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[ENTP] ENTP friend who borrowed money and then disappeared

masterofjedi

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Aug 9, 2021
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3
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INFP
I have an ENTP friend who we shared long history, we were friends for years.

Started from a point he started constantly borrow money from me... to a point I could not longer lend him any money.

When he needed money from me he would talked to me constantly , but when he didn't need money he would reply once a week or less.

This year he messaged me only twice ... I messaged him maybe monthly to give him space.

And the "breaking point" is, I asked for my money back, he didn't respond to any of my messages since.

Even though ENTPs don't like to reply to random chitchat I think it's only fair to respond to a friend who was there for you thick and thin when they ask for their money back... or am I wrong?

I feel like a pathetic INFP because I still care,
 

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
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I don't know the specifics of your situation (aside from what you described). I will just throw out a few things that crossed my mind.

- I've found that over the course of life, especially with relationships that are more virtual, people will remain for a season and then the tie loosens up a bit. There are people I used to talk to daily (online) ten years ago who I have not heard from in years now. There are people I am friends with now who I did not know ten years ago. I also have some friends who I met IRL who I was close to in my 20's and who I don't really talk much to right now, ,but when we do connect, we can leap back in where we left off. So the relationship is still there, just not being actively maintained. I used to take this more hard in the past, as if I was losing people. Now I have been trying to just accept it as a fact of existence. Of course it is the most optimistic view, there will always be some people you will lose touch with because of bad action on one or both people's parts, but anyway I'm just saying ebb and flow is normal in relationships in a global world.

- I am always careful with giving money to friends. I find it easier to give to people I'm only acquaintances with or not close to per se, because I think then you fall back on more explicit rules. Things get muddy with friends sometimes. I have always found it helpful to be explicit when you give money to a friend, rather than giving in an open-ended way -- basically being very clear on whether you expect the money to be returned or not, and what the expected time frame is. Then the other person can take it or leave it. Invariably if the terms are not clear, one person or both will end up with hurt feelings when their expectations are not met. For example, I once gave a friend money to pay his mortgage for a month because he was in dire straits. It didn't seem clear whether he could pay it back, and I told him up front he did not have to, if he could not afford to. That was many years ago and he never did pay me back (lol) but I had accepted that option up front so there were no hard feelings or unmet expectations. I gave to him knowing he probably could not pay me back.

- I think it is clear from your example that your friend will not often be initiating contact between the two of you, and so I guess you would have to accept that that is his new norm and decide how much you want to invest. I think sometimes we overcomplicate things because we don't want to let someone else down but also because we don't want to let go of something that is passing. It's clear his norm at the moment is twice a year. Your norm is more monthly. You can keep responding to him monthly but just should remember he might not respond and be okay with that.

- it seems clear he doesn't really plan to repay you at least in the near future -- basically a person who just "forgot" or has the money would have just repaid you, and/or apologized for not repaying you and given you a date by which he would repay you... yet your friend's response was just to go off-grid. This pretty clearly says he's either unable to pay and is embarrassed (so he can't pay you) and can't even discuss it, or he is resentful that you are asking to be repaid. In general, I would consider this a sunk cost at this point. It's good you stopped lending him money, especially if it was considered "lent" and not just spent.

I do see you suggest something about "fairness" in that he should at least respond to you due to your loyal friendship over the years. You are not incorrect. He should respond. But he isn't responding. And you have no way to make him respond, honestly. So where does this leave you? You have basically realized you have been playing under different rules than he has. So how will you accommodate this new information about your relationship?
 

Siúil a Rúin

To the waters of the wild
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[MENTION=42385]masterofjedi[/MENTION]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I agree that it is unlikely you will see the money. It could be embarrassment, but people also don't generally operate with reciprocity, but imprint with the specific dynamic set. I learned that the hard way. If you are the one who helps, then that is expected and the recipient of help is the least likely one to help in return, not the most. The person receiving the money is the least likely to pay you back.

A lot of people have parental deficits, parents that didn't do enough for them, so they subconsciously feel entitled to anyone who fills in for what their parents didn't do and/or if their parents spoilt them, they assume others will as well. Sometimes it's a combination. A lot of people feel completely justified taking plenty of time and money without a notion of giving back.

I think your friend only talks to parents and family when he wants money. He may feel as much as a similar attachment to you, but not capable of caring that deeply about someone else. I've lived with and loved such people. They don't feel evil, but they are extremely entitled and will take and leave you in dust. In my case he was really nurturing to his plants and cats and would compliment me alot. I was his cute little bunny, but he kept taking my fucking money.
 

EcK

The Memes Justify the End
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I have an ENTP friend who we shared long history, we were friends for years.

Started from a point he started constantly borrow money from me... to a point I could not longer lend him any money.

When he needed money from me he would talked to me constantly , but when he didn't need money he would reply once a week or less.

This year he messaged me only twice ... I messaged him maybe monthly to give him space.

And the "breaking point" is, I asked for my money back, he didn't respond to any of my messages since.

Even though ENTPs don't like to reply to random chitchat I think it's only fair to respond to a friend who was there for you thick and thin when they ask for their money back... or am I wrong?

I feel like a pathetic INFP because I still care,

I can understand borrowing money once and realising for whatever reason you can't pay it back. It sucks but I can understand that, I can't understand continuously borrowing money when unable or unwilling to pay back the first amount.
How much money are we talking about here?
 

masterofjedi

New member
Joined
Aug 9, 2021
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3
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INFP
Thanks guys, I try to learn about his personality and the 16 personality type to understand why he behaved the way he did. But now the only thing I feel is that he stopped talking me because I'm no longer useful for him. He has talked about how he knows who is useful to him and who isn't.

As for how much money , lets say 2 - 3 months of my salary? But I guess the only thing I can do is to move on. It's been 3 months since I have heard from him, I don't expect to hear from him for the rest of the year, but anyway, I'm going to be ok!
 

SearchingforPeace

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My ENTP brother used to always ask for money and then be bad about paying it back. I told him that I would not loan him more money until he repaid the loan.

I mostly wrote off getting repaid and it was never for than $500, but then I would randomly be given money at some later date.

He never asks anymore and now makes really good money, so it is no longer an issue. But it is a useful role for dealing with people asking for a loan.

The opposite happened to my cousin. He had a friend who had been extremely wealthy, having been in the early money (pre IPO) in several major dotcoms. His friend needed some short term financing for a project and my cousin loaned him money (about a half million) with loan documents and everything.

My poor cousin, normally a brilliant guy, didn't receive timely payment. His friend said they needed more. So, my cousin keeps giving until he hits almost $2mill, totally unsecured, and without receiving a payment. Now he is suing his friend.

Of course, he should have not loaned more money and demanded security and collateral, so really, after the first loan, he needed to not keep giving. And now my cousin is really bitter, because that was most of his net worth.....
 
Joined
Feb 4, 2021
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It sucks, but some people are just out to use other people.

The benefit of not having any friends is that nobody borrows any money from me.
 
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