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[ISFJ] Dealing with a "non-ready" ISFJ ?

Fornatsu

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Jun 24, 2017
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37
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ENTP
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Hello everyone,

ENTP here. I'm desperately trying to make sense and "understand" a situation that occured to me those last two months.
I'm going to summarise it first then if anyone wants more precision I'll gladly give them.

Let's say that, you a 22F ISFJ, had to stop a promising relationship because you weren't ready due to an old relation (more than 7 years) finishing 5 months earlier.

That even if, from what you told the other person, and what seemed to be in your attitude, you both clicked very hard but you still had a "blockage" due to that past relation.

Let's say that after two months of probing, you asked for time to try and break the "blockage" but after a week the other person noticed that it wasn't that easy and decided to "give you an opening" to end things and you took it.

How would the other person need to act in order to try if you've overcomed your situation ? Would you initiate it by yourself ? Would he need to try after X period of time ?

I of course know that every being is different but I introduced her to mbti and it seems it was effective in helping her figuring things out.

I'm kinda "sad" because I really liked her soul and that's not common for me.
 

Siúil a Rúin

To the waters of the wild
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I think the pronouns in the OP were confusing because I couldn't tell who was feeling what. I think the ISFJ pulled away from you needing more time?

The basic principle I would say is that pressuring people emotionally never works long-term, so if someone says they need time, it is important to just respect that.

People can also start feeling distanced over time. Sometimes they can develop notions that it would be uncomfortable to communicate if they wonder if they hurt the person or if there was a misunderstanding. Continuing some form of communication could be helpful?

If there is a way to maintain communication without any pressure, that would be ideal. Sometimes that's too hard, though. I'm not really sure what else to say, but I know the feeling when you need to talk to someone, feel you can't, so you talk to the computer and sometimes it responds. It's a sort of substitute and once in a blue moon can be helpful in a practical way.
 

tinker683

Whackus Bonkus
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ISFJ here,

Not entirely certain what you are asking here, but it sounds like you're seeking some sort of formula or tactic/strategy to helping someone get over their past SO and consider a relationship with you, and I feel that premise is fundamentally flawed. You can't make someone move past something like this.

It sounds to me like she's not ready and unfortunately there isn't anything you can do. When she's ready, she's ready but she can't be where she's not.

The only thing you can do is make your feelings known, and see what she wants. If she's not ready, then don't push it, just move on. The balls in her court, not yours
 

Fornatsu

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Jun 24, 2017
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Hi guys,

First of all thanks for your answers. I'll try to rephrase my post because it seems I can't use pronouns in that way, my french got in the way lmao.

Basically there is that ISFJ 22F who went out of a 8 y relationship 5 months ago.
We knew each other from high school, we had a brief little story when she was 17 or so.

She added me in july and we had an instant "click". Both of us weren't sure about what was going to happen, she wanted to be sexfriend at first. Or at least attempt to.
After the first date she changed her mind and wanted something more serious.

Long story short, we saw each other for two months. We talked quite alot about her feelings, I wanted to understand her (I think I did)
Here is a list of things she said or acted like that I think is useful to the situation :

1) She talked about me to her mum on a daily basis, introduced her close friend and cousin by facetime
2) As I was into "trying to help her" we talked quite alot about her feelings, she said she trusted me, she knew how many positive things I could bring to her but she was worried because, even if 8 hours together looked like 10 mn, every time she went home she started to hesitate, she felt as if she wasn't ready yet, that it was too early.
3) More than once she stated that it was annoying her that we saw each other that early, because if we started something serious it could fall apart because of her current unreadiness. She joked about it quite a few times and I realized only afterwards that maybe she was being serious.

In the end, things were still going smooth but I think she realised that even tho things were good, she wasn't ready and didn't want to hurt me. So she asked for some time to try and get over "the blockage". After a week of no-contact, I realised she really wasn't ready therefore I engaged the conversation to "lessen her burden" and purposefully "left an opening" for her to "end things" if that's what she thought at the moment.

She told me she didn't feel like going further with me or anyone, that she needed to stay alone. I, of course, told her I understood. And somehow tried to give an opening "for the future" by stating "Our second meeting was a beautiful encounter to me, blablabla, maybe we'll get to meet each other in our future lives".

Her last message was "I really do not regret crossing your path again because you kinda helped me understanding myself. I wish you all the best and maybeee see you next time".

Basically, we've already crossed path in life, I'm not stupid and therefore I totally understand the situation. 8 years for someone that is 22 is big. Of course I'm tempted to think that it was an excuse but I really feel like I understood her.

I'm going to live my life but deep down I know she touched a spot that isn't "often touched". Therefore now that the memories are still vivid I'm trying to get opinions and some "trail" about wether I/her should initiate things in the future.

(Because being ENTP I get very clumsy when dealing with someone I really like)

So here is the story
 
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I think type has very little bearing on this compared to life circumstances. She’s not ready. So it’s up to chance or fate or whatever you prefer to think is steering the universe. It can definitely suck when you can see potential but the timing is bad. There’s really nothing to be done but live your life and see what happens. The good news is you’re young. There’s plenty of time and opportunities for you ahead.
 

Fornatsu

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I think type has very little bearing on this compared to life circumstances. She’s not ready. So it’s up to chance or fate or whatever you prefer to think is steering the universe. It can definitely suck when you can see potential but the timing is bad. There’s really nothing to be done but live your life and see what happens. The good news is you’re young. There’s plenty of time and opportunities for you ahead.

Hello, yes of course you're right.

I know the first and most important factor will be reality itself but I kinda like trying to "foresee" different outcomes in order to pinpoint which one I'd like to "reach" if the possibility exist.

Might be weird I know it's not a common thing to do
 

ceecee

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Hello, yes of course you're right.

I know the first and most important factor will be reality itself but I kinda like trying to "foresee" different outcomes in order to pinpoint which one I'd like to "reach" if the possibility exist.

Might be weird I know it's not a common thing to do

It's pretty common. It's called "fantasizing".
 

Siúil a Rúin

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[MENTION=34279]Fornatsu[/MENTION]

It is difficult to feel that uncertainty and loss when you get very emotionally invested. After living a long time, I would say that generally the deepest and most meaningful connections are not fragile. If the connection you made with her has an unusual depth, you may find your way back to each other, or maybe this experience gave you a glimpse into what a deep and meaningful connection is for you.

FWIW I would say that this experience provided a glimpse into your future, into what you value and want for yourself. As time goes by, maybe this connection with this specific person will happen again after she has enough time to figure her life out, and maybe your next connection will share this same quality and depth. I think you will have more of this feeling and connection in your future whether it is with her or what she represents for you, if that makes sense.

One thing I have found in life is that if a person can really see and value me, they will have genuine attraction to me, and if that desire to be with me is lacking, then maybe the connection was never what I imagined it to be. Maybe whatever I imagined is still possible, but it will need to be with someone who values and wants me back. I use first-person pronouns, but mean for that to apply to people in general as a consideration. I think rejection is a great filter for realizing the true nature of the connection in the first place. Perhaps time will bring this one back.
 

Fornatsu

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It's pretty common. It's called "fantasizing".

Is it really tho ?

Do you fantasize every time you try to plan the future or do you only apply that definition when it comes to social aspects ? What's the difference between a fantasma and a prediction according to you ?

Is it that the first is often correlated to an emotional output while the latter is more supposedly logical ?

As an INTJ do you make plans to effectively react to situations ? How would it be different ? Are you fantasizing based on possible outcomes or are you planning it ? :)
 

Fornatsu

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[MENTION=34279]Fornatsu[/MENTION]

It is difficult to feel that uncertainty and loss when you get very emotionally invested. After living a long time, I would say that generally the deepest and most meaningful connections are not fragile. If the connection you made with her has an unusual depth, you may find your way back to each other, or maybe this experience gave you a glimpse into what a deep and meaningful connection is for you.

FWIW I would say that this experience provided a glimpse into your future, into what you value and want for yourself. As time goes by, maybe this connection with this specific person will happen again after she has enough time to figure her life out, and maybe your next connection will share this same quality and depth. I think you will have more of this feeling and connection in your future whether it is with her or what she represents for you, if that makes sense.

One thing I have found in life is that if a person can really see and value me, they will have genuine attraction to me, and if that desire to be with me is lacking, then maybe the connection was never what I imagined it to be. Maybe whatever I imagined is still possible, but it will need to be with someone who values and wants me back. I use first-person pronouns, but mean for that to apply to people in general as a consideration. I think rejection is a great filter for realizing the true nature of the connection in the first place. Perhaps time will bring this one back.

Thanks for your time. Alot of what you said seems abit abstract to me but you do have a point when stating that if the attraction was genuine, probabilities are it'll happen again
 

ceecee

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Is it really tho ?

Do you fantasize every time you try to plan the future or do you only apply that definition when it comes to social aspects ? What's the difference between a fantasma and a prediction according to you ?

Is it that the first is often correlated to an emotional output while the latter is more supposedly logical ?

As an INTJ do you make plans to effectively react to situations ? How would it be different ? Are you fantasizing based on possible outcomes or are you planning it ? :)

We're talking about you, not me. We're talking about a woman you want to be in a romantic relationship with. The reality of that relationship appears to be no relationship. Hence everything you are thinking or saying regarding this nonexsistant romantic relationship someone told you they don't want to have with you is called fantasizing.
 

Peter Deadpan

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When I was about that age, I told a guy I dated for a few months that I wasn't over my previous ex and that I needed to end things with him. I did get back with my previous ex, but guess what? I don't think I "wasn't over him" looking back. I think that I wasn't super into my present partner and I wanted it done with, but I didn't want to be alone, so I went back to what was familiar. I was young, dumb, and self-centered.

She's either not over her ex or she just needs an excuse to end things. I don't know which is the truth, but either way, you do deserve someone who wants to be with you.

Also, as a professional fantasizer, I'll advise you to not waste too much time and emotional energy on someone who is wishy-washy about their interest in you. It's a great way to damage your self-esteem and close you off to other more fulfilling possibilities.

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. It sucks and hurts, and it's normal to spend a little time there, processing and imagining what might have been different. That reflection is necessary for growth as it teaches us what we may do in a similar future situation, but don't get stuck there.
 

Fidelia

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I think you can take it as an exercise in figuring out what it is about her that you felt especially connected to and look for that in the future.

If she just came out of an eight year relationship, five months is not a long time to get over someone that you shared your childhood with, had a lot of shared history with and a lot of firsts with. She needs some time to figure herself out as an adult and decide what she wants.

You can wait on the off chance that in two or three years, the stars will align and she is available and feels the same way about you and you still like her, or you can move on, recognizing that it was bad timing but that the friendship was great and you have more information about yourself than you did before to inform future relationships.
 

Fornatsu

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Well you guys might have been right.

I had to "talk" to one of her friend related to work. 1 hour later she talked to me for 24 hours with a "I'm not flirting with you but I'm" attitude, asking for compliments, ironically acting and so on.
 
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