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Been learning about myself for a long time, I'd really appreciate any help!

shougodouji

New member
Joined
Dec 3, 2020
Messages
1
Hi guys, I've wanted to know about myself for pretty long, and I don't know why I didn't know and go to this forum. I'm pretty excited now that I found this forum, so here goes:


1) Context:
a) What is your age range and general location (Country so that cultural values can be taken into account)? Do you have any impairments that may affect the way that you answer this questionnaire? Any religious or political beliefs (or anything else along those lines) that also might have an effect?

- I'm in my very late 20s and from Asia, also my English is not good so I may not explain clearly enough or is confusing, ask me if you are unsure. I was psychological abused by my family (pretty long time) and get belittled by them and friends when young, I'm the type who tries to get up and bounce back, but the effects are too much too strong I got stress and depression (more than 5 years), now I'm pretty normal except for one thing. I'm was very carefree back then and is not aware of many things, I'm also not an easy prey so the main method my family use is to scare, threat or manipulate me by telling me scary thoughts to makes me worry and listen. So when I got depressed, I was haunted by scary thoughts, involving a lot of things (with spiritual - the one I'm afraid most), they just appear inside my mind without me actually thinking, I was very afraid of them and was unable to live - to do anything, I try hard to counter them by thinking in a good way or to calm myself but it results in a migraine; only when I'm doing things and a lot of them that they will go away. Now, I'm not so afraid of them anymore, but if not careful, one will pop up and might affect me negatively, but I believe as I'm able to live and do a lot I'll be normal again. Also the reason why I can't reach and understand myself, was too busy dealing with those things.

- I'm not religious but I'm spiritual, I respect Buddhism since the thoughts and values speak to me so I self-following them, means I practice what I consider good and true, I'm not follow like a procedure, not because of magical blessings and not just obey like a clueless sheep etc..

b) Which types are you currently considering? Why are you considering them and why haven’t you decided on one?

- As a kid, when playing games, I often ask myself: which character am I? which Pokemon type am I? etc.. I've been curious and happy to know. But it wasn't something major, but during the time I'm stressed, it becomes my only purpose: who am I? So I try to know myself using a lot of methods, but since I'm not good with thinking and can't see myself clearly, I got confused a lot and get messed up and headaches. Now when normal, I still want to know myself but it is not as strong, but I also want to finish it for good.

- So I learn about MBTI and functions and Enneagrams also. I'm one of the FP types, I personally confuse between SFP as I resonate and has strong preferences for Se, it invigorates me and I'm able to sleep afterwards, but I still have a lot of feelings and wants to be unique as an ISFP; some of my friends said I'm NFP. Because of my circumstances, only my thoughts from stress (which I don't want) and my feelings are visible to me, plus I haven't able to do much in real life and my relationships got hit hard when I'm depressed, so only thing I can realize is my Fi, I also believe I have Se as just going out doing things makes me feel alive and healthy. Still, since I'm not good with thinking - despite reading a lot about functions (still just can't have a good grasp).. I'm maybe a Ne without knowing so. Personally, I don't want to be a Ne, due to many experiences I've been through :mad:


2) What do you deem as your purpose in life?

- Know the summer noon, when the sunlight is bright and strong, and everything is still working but like in quiet mode? Everything is so vibrant under it. I always know I relate to it - the noon, whether my personality or preference is similar to the noon. As a kid I often sneak from sleep to go out at noontime, then I'd just go explore everything, the random house/apartment, or talk to someone, or find friends to play (most are sleeping) etc.. noontime is my wonderland. So my purpose is to not miss any noontime; literally: I often want to go to high places during noon and watch things/people, seek activities/work during it, I also think of buying a house somewhere with nature and quiet so that I can enjoy noontime the most. Figuratively: I always be like the noon: passionate, bright, vibrant etc.. and try to find friends/ lovers who has one of the traits and live bright and strong.


3) Of the seven deadly sins, which one(s) do you relate to the most and the least and why?

- I don't know about them and I don't want to read too, so I'll answer base on just the word as I perceived it. Not envy, not sloth, not greed.

- Pride: I'm pride in my qualities, beliefs, values and feelings, like pride in me being like a bright noon. I'm not pride in comparing to others, no need to, they can be hot or whatever, if it is not related to me, then I don't care, I'll still pride myself even if I'm the only person in the world.

- Wrath: when I'm not feeling good or fail doing things that I really want to, I can be angry, but I'm only angry at myself, as I'm angry why I couldn't do it, why am I so bad. When I'm really really low, I'll be angry at those who I deem the cause of my failings, but can be heavily subjective. E.g: I smash my laptop when lose a game or throw away the racquet when lose a match or blame my partner. It has to be one that really matter to me and I put everything in it, otherwise I'm not competitive and don't care about winning, I care more about why I'm bad if get triggered.

- Lust/Gluttony: don't know if applied, but when I like someone, I want that person to be with me, like only us together and don't care about the world, I'm not possessive, if that person don't want to be with me from their heart, I don't mind letting them go. But when the 2 of us have strong passion, I want us both to ignore the world. However, I can have strong feelings for many people, and I always wonder that I'd miss out all the passion and crazy stuffs we would have and I kinda want them all. I know I'm not loyal and I don't want to cheat also and I've regretted rushing into relationships a lot so I'm slowing down now to carefully examine my feelings and who I have the most passion for.



4) Analyzing your relationships with others, briefly describe:

a) The type of people you are drawn to

- Those with 'fire' - it is a word I use to describe those who are passionate, lively, vibrant, free etc... like fire. I have strong feelings for them when I met, especially those have the looks that I like and I can easily fall head over heels for them, purely passion.

- A minor group are those who are bold in actions, unrestrained.

b) The type of people who are drawn to you

- People only either like or dislike me - no in the middle, and they varies individually. Most people said they are free and be themselves and laugh hard when they are with me, some describe me as the sun, like my energy is contagious. Occasionally when I left some place, a class for example, some quit too because they feel bored.

c) The type of people you are repulsed by

- Varies individually, or those fake people that act cute, act beautiful, act elegant, act sexy and put themselves on social media; also those who think and do nothing but negativity (I can understand them if the cause is decent), or those that treat people with no respect like garbage. Well still mostly varies individually.


5)What are the traits in others that you admire but you cannot emulate yourself? Elaborate.

- Those that express their self or their personality by turning themselves into a work of art, by body, by clothes, by style, by hair etc.. so elegant, so poise, so stunning, so iconic. Their beauty silents everything around and it challenges time. For example this Asian model: k2 — ImgBB and k1 — ImgBB. Also dancers, rhythmic gymnastics, ice skaters, martial arts, I love the beauty of body and body movements.

- The reason is I'm always in motion: I always unknowingly put a lot of force in anything I do, even talking and laughing, which then shakes my body up and make me sweat a lot everywhere, even under air-con so I'm always looks like a mess. Also when I try to be still, I look funny and stupid while their stillness mesmerize me.


6) Describe your relationship with the following:
a) Anger

- The same as "Wrath" above. Also I get really angry if my close ones are mistreated or suffer from injustice, I'd get really aggressive and do everything I can to help them, even if I have to attack the culprit. If I'm the victim then the most I do is just defend myself. I don't care much for outsiders, though some serious issue I may try to help, I still don't want to get involved.

b) Shame

- Can't recall any, even with my embarrassed moments, I often find them funny and laugh, if the cause is not nice, I may get angry. When people try to humiliate me like say I'm fat, I can easily ignore them since I wonder why would saying I'm fat affect me? They shouldn't try on my close ones though.

c) Fear

- As stated in Q1, I fear those random thoughts pop up in my mind when I'm low with no defend, especially when it involves spiritual or supernatural stuffs, I'd stay awake the whole night, it makes me afraid of scary paranormal stuffs - movies, stories.. Otherwise I can't think of something I fear, when I was young, I often say to my mom: it won't kill me, don't worry.

d) Love/passion

- Passion ALWAYS, I'd rather have a burning passion and strong feelings with someone for a short time than stay in a relationship with none of them for the whole life. I always seek a relationships that sustained by up and down passion, I need to feel alive first then I need to feel strongly for the person. I don't mind ditching any relationships that is just purely for a sake of having a partner, I don't even mind being alone till I find one that I strongly desire. Sometimes I don't even want to connect or understand. The song that best describe me is Fire Meet Gasoline - Sia.

e) Conflict

- I don't like to hurt others so I don't like conflicts, or anything negative. But to defend myself or my close ones, I don't mind fighting. When it comes to my values, my beliefs, my feelings and my passion, I'm sorry but I will burn anyone who tries to attack. Overall, in perfect conditions, I'd rather just relax and laugh, I don't like conflicts.


7) What are some of the themes that have played a prominent role in your life (ie. A struggle you’ve been unable to conquer, ect)?

- I don't really understand this question, I've been trying to find myself? Trying to get in touch with the fire within me? Trying to live/act passionately as much as possible? Don't take me serious with this question, I have a hard time answering.


8) Answer only one of the following:

a) [College aged and above] What is your area of work/study? Why did you choose this and would you change it? If so, what would be your ideal?

- I don't think much about careers, back then I chose to study Design with no reason, but my parents forced/manipulated me to study Law, I break down after a year studying and yell at them wanting to study another major, they agree only if I keep studying Law. I chose Communications since it has no math subjects and graduated with distinction - I didn't have to study much, I graduated Law also but by cheating and got help from a close friend, could never pass any subject in it. Obviously I choose to work for Comms as an Account Executive, then I find that I couldn't stand the fake people in the agency, then I sneak into the toilet to watch the sunset and cry - I don't want to lose my freedom. Then I quit immediately and doing small jobs and get support from close friends to live day by day and a little lie to my aunt when in need of money (not proud of it, always feel guilty). Later, I tried Design but realized I got no patient to study it so I quit. I'm going to help a friend with his business later.

- Come to think of it, when I was a kid I really like to be a zoologist/marine biologist or an emergency rescuer, I guess it is because I can work under daylight and I've always prefer works that require actions. But generally, I don't want to care about a career.


9) When meeting a new person, what do you tend to focus on?

- As in Q4-a, I'm looking for 'fire' first and foremost, I'm also attracted by appearance but appearance alone won't affect me. Also if I like that person or not, it still depends on the individual, varies.


10) How do you feel about humanity as a whole? What do you feel are some of the biggest problems the human race faces and why?

- Hard for me to answer as I only seek individuals, but I can try: they lack passion is the biggest problem, modernization + technological advancement made everything easier, so easy you don't even need passion to do so. I get sick with all the 'love' people claim from social media or dating apps, also people measurement are based on materials or external standards, the fire inside are seemingly no needed, less people care about it, less people cultivate it, less people actually have it. All you need is a well-liked social media account, money, big boobs/muscles, pets, luxury vacations, traveling/food photos and a happy picture with a partner smiling doing loving gestures etc.. To me, they don't seem like they are alive, they are not living, I can seriously afraid of some. Without passion/feelings, there are no meaning or purpose, there are no trying, no understanding oneself, no striving to be better, no fighting for something just, no good causes.. then all the problems appear, that's what I think.


11) What are some of your hobbies and interests?

- Currently not much, I used to like dancing and martial arts, but haven't been able to do them. Some sports that require fast reflexes like badminton. I also like boardgame now, mostly easy game that get you to compete with friends and tons of laughing, not big thinking game. MOBA games, I like to use quick assassin characters to finish other in an instant and is pretty good at it. I also want to go to somewhere with raw nature far away with close friends.


13) How do you usually “hang out” with your friend(s)? When answering, think about what activities you tend to choose, whether you hang out with one person at once or many, whether or not you initiate the interaction.

- I don't matter the group size, what I care is if they are close to me, or at least I like them or we can get each other. I don't like someone sitting there looking at phone or smiling and do nothing and don't pay attention to others or what we are doing or just join to take pictures and sit there like a boss. I often choose activities that we all can join and have fun laughing: bowling, boardgame, billiards, eating, sports etc.. Now I often hang out with 3 to 6 close friends, but the more the better, only if we are intimate together. Back then I have a lot of friends, almost 20 close friends, I always have someone to hang out anytime, was having so much fun. I'm always the one who talk and laugh the loudest, making them have to laugh too.


14) What is more important, actions or words? Why?

- ALWAYS actions, words can easily be bend by logic, which then there are an infinity of what can be said, so it is absolutely can't be trusted in any situations. Also hurtful words when influence by emotions, which I've regretted a couple of times, but I swear that is not what I sincerely believe or want to express, so please look at my actions, it will always reflect myself and is truest to me. Most people also can't lie or lie for long through their actions or their eyes, I believe so.


15) Oh dear, you’ve been cursed by a witch! It’s ok though, you get a choice on which curse you will receive. Will you choose…. Elaborate on why!

This question is fun. I like it.

a) To never be able to experience the sensation of taste
- I would never pick this if it ends with sensation, however I don't matter much with taste, I don't want to lose it but losing it is not as terrible as others. I would pick this if it is the last possible choice.

b) To be immortal
- I would have a headache trying to understand whether this is a curse or not, I'll skip this one.

c) To lose your memories
- I choose this one, this is not a curse to me. Firstly, I can forget all the terrible things happened. Secondly, all my passion are very in the moments, I have to do it, to touch it so I'm not worry about this. And lastly, the true connections I have with friends will be the same, I will soon be friends with them again, and I can still be friends with new awesome people, though there are 3 friends I must not lose. I actually think of this case back then and it doesn't seems so bad.

d) To be poor for the rest of your life
- Though I don't prioritize careers, money or materials much, I'm not fool enough to choose this. I'd still need money for all the things I like to do and all the fun with close ones.

e) Or to never experience passion
- I cringe! HARD! EW! NO! I WOULD NEVER CHOOSE THIS! I AM passion, choosing this means I disappear immediately.


16) What do you hope to avoid being? If it helps, describe a person who embodies what you avoid/you as a villain, ect.

- I avoid being something like the psychopath killers in horror movies, with no emotions, someone who do dirty things without integrity/honors, someone who didn't do something they want and regret for the whole life.


17) How do you relate to obsession? Do you tend to "merge" with others or your interests? How do you feel about the idea of doing this?

- I'm not obsess or possessive, if someone doesn't truly have feelings or passion for me, I will stop since even then I won't be able to have something for them, gradually I'll cool down; since the fire must be sparked and kept on by 2 individuals whose passion for each others kept everything alive. I find the idea of 'merging' very abhorrent, I'm passionate so much about someone because of that individual, whose beauty petrifies me, whose fire I admired and feel lively for. Merging means there are no me and no individual, with nothing left, what can happen? I feel pretty afraid right now thinking about this, afraid of losing my self.


18) Organized or messy? Plans and blueprints or impulse and surprises? What are you preferences and tendencies?

- Messy, impulse, surprise. I do best when I didn't care about the thing I'm doing, strange but true, if I try to plan or prepare I may lose interest, and actually have to focus on what I'm doing results in I don't do anything. Just tell me what need to be done, if I can I'll do it pretty well. Don't try to control, instruct or tell me how I should be for the task, I won't do it at all.


19) How do you subjectively view comfort and how do you create comfort in your life and surroundings?

- I hardly ever think or concern about comfort, if I can be with someone I have strong feelings for, I'm more than fine. Though when I'm tired or down mood or low, I will need proper food and bed, otherwise I can sleep even on hard surface. I think I need good food for comfort, since I usually use a lot of energy, I need good and quality food to feel alright. I also don't want to live in the wilderness. And if possible, I don't want to sleep alone, though I usually wants a big space on bed.


I did this questionnaire throughout the day as I can never finish it in one turn, from Q16 I was really tired after all the activities in the day and mentally tired since I have to think a lot to answer, so the answers are not so good. That's it, thank you for reading, I really hope to receive some replies, and with explanation if possible. Feel free to ask anything. Thank you! :D
 
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