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“Sexts” from an ENFP

LillyRoar

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I’ve been talking/flirting with an ENFP guy for a couple of months. Everything done via texts because of the pandemic. I’ve noticed he REALLY likes to do sexting. He likes to “explain” or in detail describe for me what he wants to do with me. It seems like he really enjoys to paint the picture for me with words. It’s not gross. But it’s just... too much. For me. Especially when he expects me to return the favor.

I’m not interested in that and when I let him know I don’t enjoy it as much as he does he seems to take great offense. Like I’ve just insulted him or criticized a novel he’s been working on for a long time.

Do ENFPs love to share this stuff with their “love interest”? Is it a way of bonding for you guys?
 

GoggleGirl17

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You are free to respond to his approach however you want, since you are both equal participants in the overall exchange. You have just as much power to influence how the conversation goes, and you don't have to reciprocate by mimicking his particular style. That's who he is, not you. Instead of rejecting everything he is putting out there, though, maybe take just a piece of it, and then give him something else to work with. This way, he will then have to readjust to your communication style as well, as he learns how you prefer to respond without getting insulted.
 

Siúil a Rúin

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He probably has ego investment in his sexting. Probably has worked to develop the skill and treats it a little like a performance. While you do have a right to respond however, it will likely feel a bit invalidating if you don't like it and say that. People often try to have some specific way they feel they can establish being 'sexy'. It's always a little vulnerable to put yourself out there, so people tend to be a little defensive. If you want to continue a connection, but don't like the sexting, I'd probably focus on saying it's hard to keep up or something so he isn't embarrassed.
 

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Do ENFPs love to share this stuff with their “love interest”? Is it a way of bonding for you guys?

Pretend you're asking all these questions about in-person sex and perhaps it'll be more clear for you. Because he's likely approaching this exactly the way he'd approach that and of course he's hurt by your rejection because you're rejecting a part of him, along with something he wants to share with you which is likely a reflection of how he feels about you.
 

Anantashesha

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A guy is getting angry and offended his sexual advances aren't reciprocated the way he wants... That's rather childish and dangerous. "How dare you not like me to use you as a prop in my fantasies," - at least it reeks that way to me. And expecting you to return the favour??? You've already told him you don't like it. That should be enough.

He has to learn to play nice. If you do let him down easy, there's no telling he wouldn't do it again or learn that this behaviour is unacceptable. If he can't handle rejection he's not ready to play the game. It is unfair for you to bear the brunt of his emotional reactions without him caring for yours (and it seems that he obviously doesn't care that you're not into this).


And on your question- I don't think it's type centric, but various types will like it for various reasons. That doesn't mean he'll get to force his way of showing affection if it comes at your cost, or god forbid, discomforts or harms you. People like saying "But it means s/he loves you!" and my response is that if they really do, they will care that it actually makes you happy, not force it on you.
 

Coriolis

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Good grief. Not every approach to relationships will work with every potential partner, and that's OK. If [MENTION=41917]LillyRoar[/MENTION] doesn't like the kind of sexting this ENFP is doing, nothing obliges her to accommodate it. Of course, nothing obliges the ENFP to cease and desist or switch gears, either, until the relationship is ended. This may just be a case of incompatibility. If so, the sooner both parties realize it, the better. By telling him plainly but courteously that she doesn't care for it and doesn't want it to be a feature of their interaction, LillyRoar is doing them both a favor. She is not responsible for his emotions or his ego. If he is invested in this over-sexting approach to the point that he takes personal offense when someone else does not share his enthusiasm for it, that is something he needs to address about himself.
 

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I’ve been talking/flirting with an ENFP guy for a couple of months. Everything done via texts because of the pandemic. I’ve noticed he REALLY likes to do sexting. He likes to “explain” or in detail describe for me what he wants to do with me. It seems like he really enjoys to paint the picture for me with words. It’s not gross. But it’s just... too much. For me. Especially when he expects me to return the favor.

I’m not interested in that and when I let him know I don’t enjoy it as much as he does he seems to take great offense. Like I’ve just insulted him or criticized a novel he’s been working on for a long time.

Do ENFPs love to share this stuff with their “love interest”? Is it a way of bonding for you guys?

A guy is getting angry and offended his sexual advances aren't reciprocated the way he wants... That's rather childish and dangerous. "How dare you not like me to use you as a prop in my fantasies," - at least it reeks that way to me. And expecting you to return the favour??? You've already told him you don't like it. That should be enough.

He has to learn to play nice. If you do let him down easy, there's no telling he wouldn't do it again or learn that this behaviour is unacceptable. If he can't handle rejection he's not ready to play the game. It is unfair for you to bear the brunt of his emotional reactions without him caring for yours (and it seems that he obviously doesn't care that you're not into this).

And on your question- I don't think it's type centric, but various types will like it for various reasons. That doesn't mean he'll get to force his way of showing affection if it comes at your cost, or god forbid, discomforts or harms you. People like saying "But it means s/he loves you!" and my response is that if they really do, they will care that it actually makes you happy, not force it on you.

I think you're reading a lot into this post that isn't there. Is he angry or is he hurt? There's a hell of a difference.

The idea that letting him down easy, if the case is that he is hurt because she is his love interest and they have established that sort of relationship and now she is rejecting this form of love in what seems to be an insulting way, is going to make him into some degenerate is way off. There's nothing here that says his behavior IS unacceptable. It looks like it just isn't her taste. There's a massive difference between having differences in taste and purposely disrespecting someone else's boundaries. It may not be obvious to him that her tastes are so different when they are communicating through text and aren't seeing each other, or hearing tone of voice, etc.

Good grief. Not every approach to relationships will work with every potential partner, and that's OK. If [MENTION=41917]LillyRoar[/MENTION] doesn't like the kind of sexting this ENFP is doing, nothing obliges her to accommodate it. Of course, nothing obliges the ENFP to cease and desist or switch gears, either, until the relationship is ended. This may just be a case of incompatibility. If so, the sooner both parties realize it, the better. By telling him plainly but courteously that she doesn't care for it and doesn't want it to be a feature of their interaction, LillyRoar is doing them both a favor. She is not responsible for his emotions or his ego. If he is invested in this over-sexting approach to the point that he takes personal offense when someone else does not share his enthusiasm for it, that is something he needs to address about himself.

You and Earl seem far too quick to be vilifying this person. Was he told clearly that she isn't interested in sex? Or does it seem like a normal thing, with them flirting and being each others love interests? It's not like this is a coworker or some stranger. She isn't responsible for his feelings, no, but she IS responsible for how she treats this man who is supposed to be her love interest, and in that scenario, you'd think that maybe she'd care about not hurting his feelings.

Just because you don't understand people wanting, enjoying, and bonding through sex doesn't mean this man is "over-sexting" and it could be completely normal for him to be hurt and offended by being led on and then coldly rejected, if that is the case. Clearly, we don't know all details here. But as someone who shares a similar type to ENFP, I would be hurt if my love interest flirted and led me to think they were interested in that sort of interaction only to then insult me and act as if they don't understand how/why it's important to me.
 

Siúil a Rúin

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The question of how to respond comes down to whether or not you want a relationship with this person. If you want a relationship and they are offering their intimacy through sexting, then being rude and rejecting of it will damage the connection. There are gentler ways to discuss the issue and find common ground, but it has to be respectful and willing to budge a smidge. Of course the individual in the OP has a right to choose or reject the relationship, but if you want reciprocity, it does not work to require everything on your own terms and leave the potential partner humiliated and rejected for not living up to your desires and doing everything as you wish. Connection requires accommodation, it requires some empathy to consider how the other person is feeling and to actually care about those feelings. If a person doesn't care about connection and wants to established everything to meet their requirements, then a good ol' text smack-down is the way to go if you don't want the person to risk vulnerability and connection ever again. If you want a relationship then sometimes you go outside your comfort zone to do stuff to please the other person and sometimes they go outside their comfort zone to do stuff to please you. If those comfort zones are too far apart, then the relationship lacks compatibility, but no meaningful relationship has absolute compatibility. You actually have to accommodate sometimes if you want connection. If you want control, then smack-downs are the way to go whenever someone's behavior is not serving your needs and living up to your requirements.
 

Coriolis

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I think you're reading a lot into this post that isn't there. Is he angry or is he hurt? There's a hell of a difference.

The idea that letting him down easy, if the case is that he is hurt because she is his love interest and they have established that sort of relationship and now she is rejecting this form of love in what seems to be an insulting way, is going to make him into some degenerate is way off. There's nothing here that says his behavior IS unacceptable. It looks like it just isn't her taste. There's a massive difference between having differences in taste and purposely disrespecting someone else's boundaries. It may not be obvious to him that her tastes are so different when they are communicating through text and aren't seeing each other, or hearing tone of voice, etc.


You and Earl seem far too quick to be vilifying this person. Was he told clearly that she isn't interested in sex? Or does it seem like a normal thing, with them flirting and being each others love interests? It's not like this is a coworker or some stranger. She isn't responsible for his feelings, no, but she IS responsible for how she treats this man who is supposed to be her love interest, and in that scenario, you'd think that maybe she'd care about not hurting his feelings.

Just because you don't understand people wanting, enjoying, and bonding through sex doesn't mean this man is "over-sexting" and it could be completely normal for him to be hurt and offended by being led on and then coldly rejected, if that is the case. Clearly, we don't know all details here. But as someone who shares a similar type to ENFP, I would be hurt if my love interest flirted and led me to think they were interested in that sort of interaction only to then insult me and act as if they don't understand how/why it's important to me.
You may be assuming that this relationship is more serious than it is. "Talking/flirting" still seems like an early stage of a relationship, and therefore not that serious or committed. I called it "over-sexting" based on LillyRoar's comment, "But it’s just... too much. For me. Especially when he expects me to return the favor." My own perspective on sex is irrelevant. In any case, the point I was making is exactly the highlighted: their romantic tastes may just be incompatible. That is OK and doesn't imply there is anything wrong with either of them. In my view, the sooner they figure that out the better, so they can recalibrate their expectations and if necessary, move on. Being mindful of someone else's feelings does not require that you continue to tolerate behavior that makes you uncomfortable, or refrain from expressing that it does. I do not believe anything in my earlier post suggested it was necessary to be unkind in order to make this point.

The question of how to respond comes down to whether or not you want a relationship with this person. If you want a relationship and they are offering their intimacy through sexting, then being rude and rejecting of it will damage the connection. There are gentler ways to discuss the issue and find common ground, but it has to be respectful and willing to budge a smidge. Of course the individual in the OP has a right to choose or reject the relationship, but if you want reciprocity, it does not work to require everything on your own terms and leave the potential partner humiliated and rejected for not living up to your desires and doing everything as you wish. Connection requires accommodation, it requires some empathy to consider how the other person is feeling and to actually care about those feelings. If a person doesn't care about connection and wants to established everything to meet their requirements, then a good ol' text smack-down is the way to go if you don't want the person to risk vulnerability and connection ever again. If you want a relationship then sometimes you go outside your comfort zone to do stuff to please the other person and sometimes they go outside their comfort zone to do stuff to please you. If those comfort zones are too far apart, then the relationship lacks compatibility, but no meaningful relationship has absolute compatibility. You actually have to accommodate sometimes if you want connection. If you want control, then smack-downs are the way to go whenever someone's behavior is not serving your needs and living up to your requirements.
The question of how to respond comes down to how much accommodation one is willing to make just to have a relationship. Taken to an extreme, this manifests as enduring various forms of abuse just to remain in a relationship. Clearly this case isn't abusive, but it is up to the OP whether the constant sexting and expectations of reciprocity are more than she is willing to accommodate. It sounds like she already has tried to discuss this with him and come to some accommodation, and he "seems to take great offense". If he is unwilling even to acknowledge and be open to her perspective, that is an even bigger problem than the sexting itself.
 

Anantashesha

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EDIT: Spoilered because this is more a response that explains my POV and where I'm coming from than a response to LilyRoar's OP.

 

Siúil a Rúin

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The question of how to respond comes down to how much accommodation one is willing to make just to have a relationship. Taken to an extreme, this manifests as enduring various forms of abuse just to remain in a relationship. Clearly this case isn't abusive, but it is up to the OP whether the constant sexting and expectations of reciprocity are more than she is willing to accommodate. It sounds like she already has tried to discuss this with him and come to some accommodation, and he "seems to take great offense". If he is unwilling even to acknowledge and be open to her perspective, that is an even bigger problem than the sexting itself.
Yes, if the comfort zones are too far apart, then there is a lack of compatibility. The majority of the details of the situation are unknown to both of us, so we could debate it ad nauseam and not reach any sort of conclusion. If a person wants a relationship and finds the individual to have several qualities that are valued outside of this one issue, then that places this in a different context than if there are several problematic issues and this is representative of it.

I do tend to cut people a little slack if they feel defensive when sexually rejected. It is a more sensitive topic than leaving towels on the floor or whatever. Maybe he is unreasonable and maybe it's a normal level of defensiveness. I wasn't there, you weren't there, It will likely be more constructive for either of us to have a back and forth with her directly since we cannot provide each other any useful applied information, but only compare principles with separate sets of assumptions of how they apply here.
 

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I gave my best advice, and it is something I would have done myself as well: confronted it gently but firmly, but as blatantly and honestly as possible. With my personality and my style of doing things, I consider it a lack of respect to butter up what I say just to make someone feel better. If I were the other person, I'd want that honesty, and Lily is free to take the advice and use it in accordance to how she usually conducts herself in these matters and in her dating life and as what suits her relationship with this man in particular.
The highlighted applies across the board, in any relationship. Romantic, sexual, or otherwise intimate relationships are no exception. If anything, they should be characterized by an especially high degree of respect, honesty, and candor. If someone is not ready to receive this from another person, that argues against entering an intimate relationship with them.

Yes, if the comfort zones are too far apart, then there is a lack of compatibility. The majority of the details of the situation are unknown to both of us, so we could debate it ad nauseam and not reach any sort of conclusion. If a person wants a relationship and finds the individual to have several qualities that are valued outside of this one issue, then that places this in a different context than if there are several problematic issues and this is representative of it.

I do tend to cut people a little slack if they feel defensive when sexually rejected. It is a more sensitive topic than leaving towels on the floor or whatever. Maybe he is unreasonable and maybe it's a normal level of defensiveness. I wasn't there, you weren't there, It will likely be more constructive for either of us to have a back and forth with her directly since we cannot provide each other any useful applied information, but only compare principles with separate sets of assumptions of how they apply here.
Perhaps I should have clarifed my view of the situation, based on the details provided buy the OP. That is: two people flirting by phone in a relationship that is not yet strongly committed/serious. One person has tried to express discomfort with an ongoing behavior and expectation of the other, to which the other has taken offense. Based on this, the OP's concerns and reactions are legitimate and justified. If the ENFP continues to take offense rather than take her seriously, the relationship may have no future. If my view of this is incorrect, then other factors may need to be considered.
 

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Perhaps I should have clarifed my view of the situation, based on the details provided buy the OP. That is: two people flirting by phone in a relationship that is not yet strongly committed/serious. One person has tried to express discomfort with an ongoing behavior and expectation of the other, to which the other has taken offense. Based on this, the OP's concerns and reactions are legitimate and justified. If the ENFP continues to take offense rather than take her seriously, the relationship may have no future. If my view of this is incorrect, then other factors may need to be considered.

^ basically, but I am physically incapable of condensing my idiot brainfarts into a few sentences. But this also explains why I said what I did.
 

Luminous

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The highlighted applies across the board, in any relationship. Romantic, sexual, or otherwise intimate relationships are no exception. If anything, they should be characterized by an especially high degree of respect, honesty, and candor. If someone is not ready to receive this from another person, that argues against entering an intimate relationship with them.

If someone is not ready to realize the person they are involved with is a human with feelings and emotions and they don't care about how they come across, I guess they don't need to be concerned at all about how they go about communicating. If, however, they do care about the other person's feelings, they can communicate in a way that is both honest and kind. If someone is not ready to realize that others may require their partner actually express care in action toward their needs, that argues against entering an intimate relationship with them. The idea that it can't be communicated in a KIND manner that is respectful to BOTH people, and instead has to be cutting cruel vicious honesty is ridiculous.

Perhaps I should have clarifed my view of the situation, based on the details provided buy the OP. That is: two people flirting by phone in a relationship that is not yet strongly committed/serious. One person has tried to express discomfort with an ongoing behavior and expectation of the other, to which the other has taken offense. Based on this, the OP's concerns and reactions are legitimate and justified. If the ENFP continues to take offense rather than take her seriously, the relationship may have no future. If my view of this is incorrect, then other factors may need to be considered.

I think all of this may be way beyond why the OP made this thread. Where she asked about why ENFPs might do this. It seems like she was more trying to understand the other person's POV.
 

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If someone is not ready to realize the person they are involved with is a human with feelings and emotions and they don't care about how they come across, I guess they don't need to be concerned at all about how they go about communicating. If, however, they do care about the other person's feelings, they can communicate in a way that is both honest and kind. If someone is not ready to realize that others may require their partner actually express care in action toward their needs, that argues against entering an intimate relationship with them. The idea that it can't be communicated in a KIND manner that is respectful to BOTH people, and instead has to be cutting cruel vicious honesty is ridiculous.
I don't see anyone here disagreeing with this or advocating cruelty or viciousness.
 

LillyRoar

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You are free to respond to his approach however you want, since you are both equal participants in the overall exchange. You have just as much power to influence how the conversation goes, and you don't have to reciprocate by mimicking his particular style. That's who he is, not you. Instead of rejecting everything he is putting out there, though, maybe take just a piece of it, and then give him something else to work with. This way, he will then have to readjust to your communication style as well, as he learns how you prefer to respond without getting insulted.

Thanks! That’s sound advice.
 

LillyRoar

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He probably has ego investment in his sexting. Probably has worked to develop the skill and treats it a little like a performance. While you do have a right to respond however, it will likely feel a bit invalidating if you don't like it and say that. People often try to have some specific way they feel they can establish being 'sexy'. It's always a little vulnerable to put yourself out there, so people tend to be a little defensive. If you want to continue a connection, but don't like the sexting, I'd probably focus on saying it's hard to keep up or something so he isn't embarrassed.

That’s exactly it! I get the feeling he might feel very rejected.

I get it if I look at it that way, like a love language thing. And maybe that’s been working for him in the past. He’s pretty confident in that area. Still turns me OFF though so perhaps it’s a matter of compatibility- and respect.

I will literally say that “I can’t keep up”. Thank you!
 

LillyRoar

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A guy is getting angry and offended his sexual advances aren't reciprocated the way he wants... That's rather childish and dangerous. "How dare you not like me to use you as a prop in my fantasies," - at least it reeks that way to me. And expecting you to return the favour??? You've already told him you don't like it. That should be enough.

He has to learn to play nice. If you do let him down easy, there's no telling he wouldn't do it again or learn that this behaviour is unacceptable. If he can't handle rejection he's not ready to play the game. It is unfair for you to bear the brunt of his emotional reactions without him caring for yours (and it seems that he obviously doesn't care that you're not into this).


And on your question- I don't think it's type centric, but various types will like it for various reasons. That doesn't mean he'll get to force his way of showing affection if it comes at your cost, or god forbid, discomforts or harms you. People like saying "But it means s/he loves you!" and my response is that if they really do, they will care that it actually makes you happy, not force it on you.

I really like this. It’s basically what I think too. It makes me feel out of place and very uncomfortable. I like flirting but writing explicit sex novels isn’t for me. It boils down to respect and compatibility.
 

LillyRoar

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Good grief. Not every approach to relationships will work with every potential partner, and that's OK. If [MENTION=41917]LillyRoar[/MENTION] doesn't like the kind of sexting this ENFP is doing, nothing obliges her to accommodate it. Of course, nothing obliges the ENFP to cease and desist or switch gears, either, until the relationship is ended. This may just be a case of incompatibility. If so, the sooner both parties realize it, the better. By telling him plainly but courteously that she doesn't care for it and doesn't want it to be a feature of their interaction, LillyRoar is doing them both a favor. She is not responsible for his emotions or his ego. If he is invested in this over-sexting approach to the point that he takes personal offense when someone else does not share his enthusiasm for it, that is something he needs to address about himself.

Excellently put.
 

Luminous

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That’s exactly it! I get the feeling he might feel very rejected.

I get it if I look at it that way, like a love language thing. And maybe that’s been working for him in the past. He’s pretty confident in that area. Still turns me OFF though so perhaps it’s a matter of compatibility- and respect.

I will literally say that “I can’t keep up”. Thank you!

And if you aren't a sexual person, that's fine, but you should make that clear.
 
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