Ugh, I can’t be bothered trying to fine tune my typing anymore at this point. Been thinking about it off and on here and there but what’s even the point when I’m clearly not in the best emotional state to do so. I still find bits and pieces of myself recuperating from my dad’s death, a brief stint of poverty, and being questioned of my value and ability within my professional endeavors, all within a four-year period, not all that long ago.
There are plenty times I’ve looked into being an Sp dom over an So dom, an Se-flavored e7 over an Ne-flavored one, an Se dom over an Ne dom for that matter, being more cautious and calculating perhaps, over what being a “P†type might suggest. But of course all that makes sense, I’m still recovering from those past trials I’ve lived through, and why try to type something that’ll only most likely become inadequate down the road as I more fully recover, it’s all just wasted mental energy and more importantly, time, of which I never feel like I have much of these days.
The above probably should instead go in my blog but eh, it circles around my own typing considerations so I’ll leave the post in this thread for the time being and perhaps offer a rationale behind why I might come across as this type or that over what my present typing displays as.
I understand this. I research this stuff h e a v i l y, mostly out of pure intellectual interest, but I still have mental and emotional relics from a time when I wasn't healthy or even safe really. Because of that, I find myself still, occasionally, getting protective of my opinion/insight into my own type. I actually figured out today that it's because of two pretty heavy reasons:
1. Because of years of psych/emotional manipulation and abuse, including a hefty dose of gaslighting, I am sensitive to people projecting uncertainty at me (as in simply implying that I have incorrectly typed myself or that I don't know what I'm talking about). I have been rewired to defend my stance and specifically my identity because my ex-husband used to try to sculpt a twisted image of me and tell me it's actually a reflection. It took me a really long time to learn to trust my own perspective again, and honestly, I think I'm still struggling with that occasionally.
2. Around that time, I lost nearly everyone, and I didn't know why. I internalized everything and concluded that I must have been "too much without being worth anything". So, I started suppressing parts of myself that I was previously oblivious to but now ashamed of, which has only led to further confusion about who I actually am.
Anyway, my point is that typology, although a great distraction or something to dive into in general, can easily become a really unhealthy habit, which by definition is toxic. This can impede necessary healing.
I think life was a lot simpler before I discovered this stuff, but I'm in too deep to give it up now, although I do think about doing just that (I tend to have singular interests that I dedicate all my leisure time to, so I don't really have a good replacement for this stuff right now).
