Disclaimer: How are you doing? Are there any major life events/illnesses/other issues that might be influencing you? Did you write this in one sitting, or have you pondered these issues deeply? Give us a sense of "where you're at" right now.
Hello! This is my first post on TC. I’m 22 years old, female (gay if that matters idfk), full-time college student in engineering, living alone, unemployed. I have a chronic illness that makes me fatigued most days. I developed mental illness in my adolescence, which is still there but is being managed. One is depression, which manifests as low motivation. The other is a kind of social anxiety that took a long time for me to recognize, because it’s not characterized by conscious worrying, but by muscle tension and an overproduction of adrenaline (typical therapy for anxiety doesn’t work for me because I’m not having self-conscious thoughts to fight against in the first place).
I wrote this in one sitting because sharing feelings is difficult, and if I give myself more time to work on this I’ll probably decide not to post it. I did an enneagram questionnaire on another forum before, but it got no replies because my answers were too dry and didn’t reveal much about my emotional states. I’m trying to be more vulnerable this time.
0. What's making you unsure of your type? What research have you already done to determine type?
I just don’t know what my prevailing fear is. I know that outwardly I look withdrawn like a 9 or a 5, but it is hard for me to evaluate my pure emotional state without rationalizing it, and I think I end up confusing myself. I have a basic understanding of the core fears of each type as well as what the typical behaviors are, but I don’t have a great grasp on the nuances of all the types and how they might look different under different conditions. Also no clue about the instincts.
1. Establish a "baseline mood"--when you're at home with nothing to do, where are you at mentally and emotionally? What do you notice in yourself? (Note, this is not a mood you inhabit "frequently", but your psychological baseline).
Ennui. If this goes on for too long I get physically agitated and restless, but mentally sluggish. Eventually one will win over the other; I’ll either find something to do like clean the house, or I’ll crash on the bed and fall asleep.
2. Describe yourself--
a. What's it like to be you?
b. What have others said about you?
c. What do you think of yourself?
a. My immediate inclination is to just list out my actions. I guess on a day-to-day basis, my thoughts are focused on what I need to get done, and it’s like I’m battling my fatigue constantly. Before bed I often fall into dark thoughts about feeling lonely and feeling trapped by life in general. On occasion, those nighttime thoughts are more about how humankind is fucked.
b. Most of my social interaction right now is in class, so most comments I get are “you’re so smart†(kthx)… One recent comment I got was, “You’re, like, quiet but not shy. And it seems like everything amuses you.†Other than that, I don’t get a lot of feedback.
c. Positively, I think I’m capable of handling anything I need to, and that I’m a fast learner. Negatively, I think I’m not near my full potential when it comes to being more social and more productive, and I blame myself for it. I also think my life is kind of directionless in that I have no idea what I actually want after I get my degree (other than independence).
3. What are the issues you've dealt with in life? List some recurrent themes, and tell us a little about each one.
Denial is a big one. I continue to convince myself that I can override any kind of internal state that I think is holding me back. Before I sought help for illness and depression, I bombed two semesters of college because I believed just didn’t use enough willpower the first time, instead of acknowledging a more deeply rooted problem.
Another one: I’ll try to fix my loneliness problem and seek friendships, but then I’ll abandon ship when I feel like they want to form a 'deeper' connection before I’ve decided whether I want that from them. I guess it's a fear of commitment? I’m starting to think this is some pathological-level bullshit and I hate it. This is the first time I’ve admitted it verbally.
4. You're not good at everything--
a. What personality traits and/or ways of being are impossible for you to adopt?
b. What are qualities you'd like to have, but can't seem to develop?
I’m blanking because I just want to be more motivated and less depressed. Desirable personality traits are of little priority in my mind right now.
5. Why have you left friends and other relationships in the past and/or why have they left you?
See #3 for reasons I leave people. Right now, I have two close friends from childhood (I have never left them, and we talk online most days), I have my family (whom I depend on financially), and I have no one else. Sometimes I wish I could abandon everything and everyone and start a new life somewhere else, but this has nothing to do with the people themselves and more to do with the “trapped†feeling I talked about earlier.
6-7. How you relate to the types:
I don’t want to single out types I think fit the most and least because the chances that I’m wrong are probably high. So I’ll just write how I feel about each of them.
1 – For: I want to be a decent person. I’m a perfectionist when it comes to my work. I was raised in such a way that anything less than excellent (particularly academically) meant punishment. Against: I am not a perfectionist about life itself, and I don’t expect other people to be perfect.
2 – For: I ultimately want to be loved even if it’s just by one person. I want to contribute to the well-being of people, particularly through volunteering. Against: I don’t try to help everyone or try to get everyone to recognize and appreciate me. I expect people to take care of themselves.
3 – For: I seek to achieve something that has meaning to me. I don’t want to die having done absolutely nothing of importance. Against: I don’t care about my reputation or whether people look up to me. I don’t seek recognition for its own sake.
4 – This type is foreign to me. I don’t get it.
5 – For: I like to learn and to know how things work if it seems interesting to me. I am withdrawn and analytical. Against: I’m not trying to learn things in order to protect myself; I just think life is more interesting when you’re curious.
6 – For: I want to reach a point of financial stability so that I have more freedom to do what I want. Against: I’m not a worrier and I make my decisions confidently. The thought of losing all my security doesn’t freak me out. Instead it’s like, “Well, that would suck, but I’ll live.â€
7 – For: I want to experience as much as I can, and I want to enjoy life and be entertained by it. Against: I have a one-track mind. I’m not impulsive.
8 – For: I want freedom/independence and to have my life completely in my own control and not up to anyone else. The thought of being manipulated by someone is like, well, I might as well be dead because then it’s not my life. Against: I am mild-mannered, reserved, and I don’t start conflicts with people. I’m not out there trying to conquer the social sphere. I keep my anger repressed enough that I never have outbursts in front of people.
9 – For: I usually don’t see the point in conflict because it’s almost always some inconsequential stupid thing. I avoid saying controversial things around non-friends because I don’t want people to hate me. I try to remain calm at all times, repressing strong emotions. Against: I don’t relate to merging my identity with other people. I’m not afraid of or disturbed by conflict, just annoyed by it particularly when someone is just using argument to protect their own ego.
8. They claim enneagram type is a hidden love need. What are your attitudes toward finding love?
I feel like I have to earn it. I don’t know what else to add.
9. What is the message your superego tells you?
Don’t give up. Don’t be a dumbass. Don’t be led by your emotions, oh but also, being unemotional makes you less human, so good luck with that.
10. Determine your ego ideal--the way you strive to be and want others to perceive you. (Note, you may be consciously aware of failing at this, and you will be hard on yourself if you do. If someone else tells you you're NOT this way, it may make you feel hurt, violated, or angry.)
I don’t want to seem pathetic or stupid. I also don’t want people to think I’m cold and uncaring, but I don’t know whether they do or not. I also try to have sex appeal I guess.
11. Determine your "felt sense" of life. To do this it may help to look at how you perceive events. Another way to do this is to look back at your childhood and think of all the things your parents did to you. How did you/do you feel about these events?
I don’t remember my negative feelings before I started developing depression (around age 11). I tried to write out how I felt in my adolescence but it was kind of incoherent and I couldn’t get across what I wanted to. So I’m just copying the suggested feelings that applied to me:
- I have a sense of being unimportant, insignificant, and undeserving of attention
- People have wronged and messed with me
- I feel isolated, cut off, and ultimately separate
12. Core fears. You may have been aware of these fears even as a very small child, before anyone did anything to influence it. You'd be mortified to be in this position or have others perceive you this way.
Like I said, it’s hard for me to figure this out (and it doesn’t help that I know what the fears are for the types anyway). I wouldn’t say that my life has been characterized by conscious fear that much.
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Edit: This thread was answered by Frosty (who said it was a rough guess but maybe ISTJ 962 so/sp) but the replies were lost in a catastrophe. Further comments are still welcome though.
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Edit: 9 seems right because of my low energy and avoidance of negativity, but now I'm wondering if I might actually be a very unhealthy social 7. The part of 9 that describes avoiding excitement is not me -- I crave excitement, but I seem to not know where to get it (maybe an sx-last thing). I did not fit the 9 archetype as a young child. I wasn't particularly agreeable (or disagreeable). I do remember constantly complaining about being bored, as well as being grumpy when other kids were talking about a subject I was unfamiliar with and I couldn't join in. As an adult, I have a bad pattern of joining meetups and showing up to a few events, getting bored of the people, abandoning that group and never contacting those people again, then joining another one and repeating the same process until I run out of groups that sound interesting. I get frustrated that I can't seem to find the right crowd. Right now, I'm in a state of mind where all I want to do is get through this A.A. degree so I can transfer to a university in another city and maybe find something better. This also might explain why I once thought I might be a 1 even though I don't act like a 1. Ugh, I don't know.
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