Vergissmeinnicht
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- Jan 12, 2018
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I have filled out this questionnaire I found here and I would really appreciate it if somebody took the time to read it and to tell me what you think my enneagram type (plus wing and subtype) is. You can also tell me my MBTI type if you want to, although I am more into the enneagram.
1) How would an author describe you in a book? Write the paragraph that would introduce you in a novel.
She was a dreamy, emotional, yearning girl on the cusp of womanhood. Every day she had spent in this beautiful universe she had been in love, whether with boys, men, girls, flowers, birds, the moon, the night or persons she had imagined. From time to time she lived more in her dreams than in the real world and had a sense for beauty and art and loads of it inside her. Characterised through depth, creativeness and passion she kind of enjoyed the inner conflicts that she was dealing with and identified a lot about love and the great meaning it had for her life. Full of female energy she was affectionate and comprehensive but could also be pretty sensitive and easily worried. She loved literature, poetry, philosophy and theatre and was full of hope and dreams for the future.
2) Think over the past day or week and make a mental list (you can also write it here) of ways other people have annoyed, angered, or otherwise bothered you - any situation where people have done one thing, while you wished they would have done another. Look at each of these instances and answer (you can make a list or make note of general patterns - an example is good):
My mother and my sister went to hang out the laundry without me although we originally wanted to do it together.
a) How would I characterize the trait that bothered me?
I guess it is not really a trait that bothered me, it was just the whole situation.
b) Why did it bother me?
Lately, they do a lot of stuff without me and my sister talks more to my mother than I do (sometimes I get the feeling that my sister gets along better with her because she has forgiven her things I can’t forgive that easily). I felt like my sister was the “favourite childâ€, besides I got scared that, when I will leave the country for a year in some months, my mother and sister will get even closer and I will feel left out when I come back. I was emotional and stressed in this moment because the next day I had a very important exam on which I did not feel prepared, so I wouldn’t consider this emotional outburst to be too meaningful. I just wanted to be dramatic.
c) How did I react?
I ran out into the garden, cried, shouted that my sister was my mother’s favourite child and threw clothes pegs at my sister. We argued about whom of us was more selfish.
d) How do I wish I would have reacted?
In retrospective (when I write it down here) I feel kind of ashamed because my behaviour was very childish and selfish but my sister and mother did not make much of a big deal about it and like ten minutes later I had calmed down and everything was like nothing had happened, so I do not regret it that much. It would have been better if I had just gone out in the garden and helped them.
e) If there was a discrepancy between c. and d., why did it come up?
I just did not behave very blameless, I gave in to my want to be dramatic. I felt like reacting like that, and my current moral compass and self-control were not strong enough to keep me from doing it.
3) What holds you back in life? This can be an internal or external force. If that thing were gone, what would be different? What would you do?
My shyness and the problems I have when it comes to going towards others. If those things were gone, it would be more easy for me to do some stuff I really want to do (going to parties and social events, travelling, or even fulfil life dreams of mine like going to an acting school). I feel the need of being perceived as an interesting, desirable and beautiful person and I could achieve this goal more easily if I would not be so shy and introverted.
4) Your deepest secret has just been revealed to the person or people from whom you most wished to keep it. How do you feel? How do you react? What are the results on your life?
There is a thing that happened in my family that nobody I have contact to today knows about except my family and I do not even talk about it to them. If this “secret†would have been revealed to some people who are judgemental, insensitive and like to tattle that would be pretty hard for me. I would feel ashamed and it would hurt me that such a difficult thing came to so many people’s ears but on the other hand I would know that most people would react sympathetic and careful. I would just let it happen. The results on my daily life would not be big. Maybe I would finally start to face the topic up and learn how to deal with it.
5) You are offered one of three gifts: a bottle filled with water from the Fountain of Life, a crown which will give you peaceful dominion over the world's people for your entire (full) lifetime, and a ring which will unite you with your true love and ensure a happy, passionate marriage. Which do you choose and why? What are your hesitations and motivations?
I exclude the crown from the beginning. Although I sometimes dream of a world in which every person has the same amount of goods and in which no animal has to suffer, I do not think that it would be my place to rule over this world. It would just be way too much responsibility, and where do I know from that I would really be a peaceful ruler? Actually this crown would ruin my whole life because I would be busy all day with ruling and could not do the stuff I really want to do.
The bottle is alluring. Currently I am very young, only 18 years old, and I don’t know how I will deal with age when it has come. I enjoy my youth and my young body, I enjoy that all the world is open to me and that I can try out myself, and when I see old, bitter, lonely people who used to be someone completely different, I get sad and hope that I will never be like this, knowing that nobody can escape age.
Do I have to wear the ring immediately? I do hope to meet one of my soulmates out there one day but it would be ideal if I could make some meaningless, loose or poetic, tragic love experiences before. But I wish a lot to meet my perfect true love once with whom I can discuss literature, philosophy and society, I can be poetic in nature, I can travel and share sexuality, so I would choose the ring.
6) You are offered one of three houses. The first is located in a big city and has historic and artistic value: it was designed by a great architect and was owned by interesting people in the past. Owning this house is very prestigious and guarantees you social status and a circle of friends, but it also comes with responsibility - you must keep the house up to code, manage the household, and give parties and events. The second house you may design using your imagination - literally your dream house - it is located in a very secluded location and no one is allowed to visit this house except you and your immediate family. The third house is very nice, but has no particular aesthetic appeal - a McMansion in short. It is in an extremely convenient location and is very secure. It is impossible for thieves to break in and it has no danger of natural disasters. You are guaranteed to be able to sell the house for double the price in twenty years. Which do you choose and why? What are your hesitations and motivations?
I would clearly choose the second house that is secluded and that I can design after my dreams. I would make it a place full of beauty and poetry and the isolation would only help. That only my immediate family is allowed to visit it would not bother me very much – if I want to party, I do not have to do that at my own house.
7) You are offered one of three doors. The first opens to a world that is dangerous and demands mental or physical skill to navigate through, but also has great rewards to be gained: think of the worlds portrayed on the shows Game of Thrones or Supernatural. The second opens to a world that is full of wonders, magic, and knowledge, which can be learned or experienced, but there is little solid resting ground - think of the worlds portrayed in the shows Doctor Who or in the multi-media phenomenon A Hitchkiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The third opens to a world where you may experience a life of peaceful, uneventful poverty - think of the hobbits in the series Lord of the Rings or most of the animals living in Narnia. Which do you choose and why? What are your hesitations and motivations?
I would choose the second door to the world full of wonders, magic and knowledge – those sound more appealing to me than the great rewards you can gain in the first universe and I would not care about the little solid resting ground, it probably would make this world more interesting. The third universe full of peaceful poverty sounds interesting too and I would like to experience it once but it seems to be a little boring and only nice but not desirable like the second universe.
8) What do you wish people understood about you? Talk about a time you were misunderstood.
Sometimes I have problems with being taken too seriously if it comes to my ideas and thoughts. The enneagram is a good example: I do not think it’s science or psychology, I just find it interesting; it helps me discover myself and it is fun to me to type other people or book characters but I do not take it very seriously. Some people who are very much into science and rationality cannot understand that; neither can they understand that although I am a somewhat rational and philosophical person, I also have a spiritual side. But my point here is: when I talk about god, souls, fate, the universe I do not always mean it seriously, it’s just ideas which I like to express. It sometimes happened to me that people judged me for expressing thoughts which just floated through my head in a certain moment, and then did not get that I don't stand to hundred percent after everything I say.
9) What do you hope people won't notice about you? What are you uncomfortable being teased about?
I know that this doesn’t sound likeable but to be honest I couldn’t stand to be teased about anything that I don't consider as a positive trait. First of all, it would really bother me if anyone would tease me about anything connected to my outer appearance (my friends sometimes tease me about my little ears, but little ears are rather seen as sweet than as an unattractive by society, so I like that). There is a thing my friends used to tease me about and which I started to hate: they called me the mother of our group because sometimes I was very patronising towards my sister which I stopped to be by now. Over a certain time I identified with the role of the mother but then I started to feel being perceived as a boring kill-joy, and in the following time I tried very hard to get away from this role and succeeded.
My friends sometimes make fun of me for being dreamy and oblivious but I find that funny; I don’t feel uncomfortable about it at all because nobody is exaggerating it or making me to a caricature of myself.
So it is probably my motherliness that I don’t want people to notice because I think they would consider it as boring and see me as less of a young and attractive woman. I don’t want to be put in the role of a mother because I am so much more than that.
A trait I possess and really do not like about myself (so I try to hide it from people in the beginning) is that I can be a little uptight and controlling. I really try to work on that but sometimes it is difficult for me to just let things go and have fun. I also am easily worried but if people notice that it is okay to me, even though I don’t like it about myself but I actively hide my uptightness and try to be and come across as the contrary.
10) What's worse - to be seen as caring more than you do or less than you do? Why? Do you think you come across one way or the other? Do you typically pretend to care more or to care less?
I guess I pretend to care less than I really do. As a child I was unpopular and the picture of the worthless girl which nobody really wants to be seen with still haunts me. All romantic stuff going on in my life was intended by me – of course there were people who came on me but I never answered it, and I cared a lot more about the one boy I kissed and had a relationship with than he did care about me, and if I wouldn’t have gone towards him, nothing would have ever happened between us. That is why I am sometimes afraid of showing too much affection and to appear less attractive because of that, so I often try to come across more careless than I really am.
11) Think about a time that someone else tried to control your actions - to tell you what to do, to manipulate you, or influence you. How did you feel and how did you react? What went through your mind?
Maybe I just don’t notice it but actually I don’t get manipulated very often. If people try to control my actions by telling me what to do, I get unapproachable, sometimes feel offended (when my sister tries to tell me how to attract boys) or find pleasure in doing the exact contrary (when my father tells me what to do with my life). But if people that I respect criticise me or give me real advice, I always try to listen to them.
12) When you first meet someone, what are your first thoughts? What judgments do you make and what kinds of considerations do you have? Are you more concerned with what they think of you or what you think of them? If you are preparing to meet someone new, what do you hope about them and what do you fear about them?
I am clearly more concerned with what they think about me; I hope to make a good first impression and to be liked. When I meet someone for the very first time, I don’t really judge them in the beginning because I think that every single person is in some way loveable and that I just haven’t detected theirs yet but of course I have an all automatical impression – usually it is good when I can relate to the person, when they seem to be truly interested in me, caring about what I think of them and the same little bit insecure as I am. When the person I meet is too secure about him- or herself, when they seem to see me subordinate to them, I usually don’t like them that much.
13) Think about the last time you cried (if you've recently lost a loved one or gone through another similarly difficult experience, you can go back further and choose a random instance). What caused this? Who was around? Were you crying out of sadness, joy, frustration, or some other factor? How did you feel afterwards? Did it change anything? Is this typical for you?
Whilst I am having my final exams right now I go through a lot of crying. It is very typical for me to cry in stressful times and to be honest when I am having an exam the next day, I cry nearly every evening before, because I feel like I wasn't prepared enough.
I also used to cry on the evenings before social events but I overcame that in the last months, and one of the biggest steps I made when it comes to social skills is that I am not that afraid of social events anymore. When I am going through a very happy and adventurous time of my life, there can pass some weeks in which I don’t cry at all but that is very seldom; I usually cry at least one time a week, and when I go through hard times I am likely to cry every day.
It is not only because of stress or fear, sometimes I just get very emotional for no reason and start to cry because of daily stuff that seems very sad or touching to me in that moment. But I like that about myself, I wouldn’t want to change it.
14) Think about the last time you felt really happy, joyful, or satisfied. What caused this feeling? What was different? What keeps you from feeling this way all the time?
Lately, on an evening, I rode my bike through nature, no people were there, I sang and talked to myself and suddenly I saw a blossoming bush and felt like I was in a book or in holidays or in a film and got so touched and joyful.
But actually another experience came into my mind when I read this question: I was still with my boyfriend some months ago, and once, at night, we went out together and kissed, then my friends came and I had to go, he ran after me, I kissed him, he lifted me into the air and span me around. I don’t think that since then I ever felt so excited and full of love and happiness again.
I am fulfilled when I am in nature, I am fulfilled when I am writing, I am fulfilled when I am creating art, I am fulfilled when I am with my friends and family, I am fulfilled when I am alone and peaceful but I do not think that any of this comes to what I feel when I am in love. This is hard to say but it’s the truth.
15) If you were a tragic hero, what would be your fatal flaw? If you were a character in a comedy, what would be your distinguishing trait (i.e. stingy with money, fastidious, shallow, pretentious, etc.) Do you think others would agree with these?
My fatal flaw would be my greediness when it comes to emotions like romantic love. Probably I would once betray the people that are really important to me for adventures, freedom and fulfilling some dreams. Actually, I identify a lot about my fatal flaws like my need to be perceived as attractive and so on.
If I was a comedy figure my characteristic trait would probably be that I can be dreamy and oblivious or even a bit confused and messy, you could also laugh about how I sometimes overanalyse stuff and worry about things. I don’t know what my friends would say my fatal flaw is, it would be interesting to ask them. But with my comedy figure answer they would agree, I guess. When my friends once were asked to described me, a part of their description was “often the last one who gets the jokeâ€.
16) Think over the past day or week and make a mental list (you can also write it here) of ways that you have done badly - by yourself, by others, etc. - any time that you have done something, and wish you would have done better. How would you characterize these instances? What caused you to fail and what was your reaction? Are you more likely to be hard on yourself or to find excuses for yourself?
My last week is not much of a good example because I did not really live in this week or just lived for my exams. I could have worked harder for them this week but in retrospective I was okay and did almost everything I could. I’m sure I sometimes was unnecessarily mean towards my family but that is just how we are towards each other; my behaviour towards my family is never perfect.
I wish I had smiled at my ex who dumped me when our eyes met to show him that I have “forgiven†him and that I don’t want this strange and uncomfortable distance between us anymore, but I just couldn’t do it, although I really started to feel better about him in the last few weeks and had some insights. But maybe I will be strong enough to do it the next time when I see him and there’s a situation like that; I am not mad at myself.
I try to never find excuses for myself and to be completely honest with me but still I am not hard or abusive towards me. While in important emotional matters I would never lie to myself, it is possible that I sometimes find excuses for me when it comes to less important stuff.
17) a) Imagine meeting an evil version of yourself - your 'dark side' - and describe this person. That one is easy: a strict, boring, self-pitying, clingy, annoying woman.
b) Describe your ideal self. A beautiful, confident, strong woman who is not hiding but going out into the world and making her dreams come true. Looking for herself and the life she really wants to live she is comprehensive, wise and a role model to others. People want to be with her, find her charming, fascinating and attractive. She can be easy-going, adventurous and free, wears lipstick, clothes she feels good in, travels the world, goes out and is not dependent from any man.
This description is more difficult because some months ago it would have been completely different. Sometimes I just wish to be someone who can go crazy from time to time and do funny, careless things (like described in this poem: Poems and Poetry - When I Am Old. ), but at the same time I want to be wise and moral and caring.
18) What is your experience with and how do you deal with the following:
a) loneliness I have not known much loneliness the last years. Never have I been separated longer than some weeks from my sister who is my closest confidant, when she is near I can’t really feel lonely. Still I know the feeling of loneliness from my childhood, from situations in which I technically wasn’t lonely but felt like I was. There was always inner happiness and hope that kept me from despairing over it.
b) doubt When I have doubts about other people, my life, decisions I made, I am always honest to myself and never deny them. My struggles with self-doubt/insecurity about my whole personality are pretty much gone now although I had to deal with it during my early teenage years.
c) boredom Boredom is another thing I have overcome when growing up. Today I have too many dreams, plans and goals to be bored.
d) laziness Since I still go to school, I know the feeling of being lazy when it comes to subjects I don’t like but I hope that, when I soon will have finished school and can do the things I really want to do and am interested in, it won’t be that much of a big deal.
e) temper My mood changes can be strong and (as I mentioned before) I am temperamental towards my family and a very passionate person, although people who barely know me might think that I am very peaceful and calm. But most of the time, I react very stronly and emotional, whether it's about sadness, happiness or love.
19) Which of the 'seven deadly sins' - pride, wrath, sloth, envy, lust, gluttony, avarice - do you relate to most and why? Which do you relate to least and why? Feel free to go into depth about these.
The one I relate to most is clearly envy. I get envious if someone is having more friends than I do, is considered to be smarter and more literate, is invited to more parties, is more beautiful. Once, I read a newspaper article about a girl who was with the boy I was in love with, and I started to shout out of pure envy, that happened to me various times when I was in an unstable emotional state and saw people I know having fun on social media, this can be very hard for me. I hate the envy when my friends experience great things and I can’t be happy for them but it’s also something that pushes me a lot and I’m not sure whether I wanted to miss it.
Gluttony is the one I can relate to the least. When it comes to food or alcohol, I’ve never really gone beyond my limits.
20) Link a song you relate to and explain why.
This question is hard, there are many songs I can relate to but a best one doesn’t come to my head right now. One of them is “Paradise†by Coldplay. YouTube
“So she ran away in her sleep and dreamed of paradise†“In the night, the stormy night, she’ll close her eyes In the night, the stormy night, away she’d flyâ€
This is so me as a child. I always flew into my own worlds and dreamed of living in my books, being an actress, a mother, a rose princess, an angel etc. because my real life wasn’t easy.
There is a German song which I could also mention; it’s called “Wie ich†(“Like meâ€) by Kraftklub, ( YouTube ) and it doesn’t remember me to my current situation as well but to the one I used to be in some months ago. I can try to translate the lyrics into English.
“And the people say: ‘Stay the way you are’ But no, I’m sorry, maybe that isn’t enough to me Maybe I don’t find it very good how I am Maybe I’d like to be a little more like you Approaching somebody without sweat on my palms Being part of a discussion without rubbing somebody up the wrong way Speaking in whole sentences Not saying the wrong things for once Taking a position Having a posture ‘That’s going to pass by’ But what if not? What if everything stays like it is? If nothing changes except the sheets on my calendar? I’d like to be less like me A little more like you Saying something and not just talking – like me ‘Cause for it is basically always against it – like me Being more normal, less weird – like me ‘You’re good the way you are Stay true to yourself’ Or I’ll just tear everything apart and build the shit anew I wanna be someone I wanna go somewhere Unfortunately it has nothing to do with the person I am If not everybody’s laughing about my joke, that’s okay But it was nice if anybody except me would understand it But no, I’m sitting alone where the light’s not shining I’m just not up for being me anymore Maybe you wanna be like me too I guess that’s pretty easy Just always do the things I do And I can barely move Everything stands still Whereas you live exactly the life I want to live Your wife, your life, your job I’d like to be more like youâ€
While I never was that full of hate on myself like it is described in the song, I know the whole feeling perfectly well. Around one year ago I was afraid that I would stay a kind of socially excluded person forever, I was scared because I was almost 18 years old and had never been drinking, never been smoking, never been kissing, never been in a romantic relationship, never been invited to a real party and never been to a club.
I was envious at everyone who had done that, and at the same time I believed that it would just not be for me, that you had to be more attractive and desirable than I was to have fun at parties. Until then I had always been saying about myself that I wasn’t into parties and that I would never in my life drink alcohol. (Another complicated topic: I guess I developed a somewhat civil view of the world because my childhood was difficult and sometimes even only a little bit “scruffyâ€, so I wanted some normality in my life; that’s what I later abandoned completely as my boring, motherly and uptight side). In the last months I have done all the things I just enumerated (except smoking), and the last winter was the most adventurous and beautiful winter of my life.
My attitude towards partying still is not completely developed like I noticed writing about it here. Since my boyfriend has dumped me the amount of parties I went to sank and then I was very busy with my exams but yet something in my life and personality has changed, I go to parties now, I am much more open and I also have more friends now but I still haven’t really integrated all that partying stuff into my personality.
So, that’s it, the questionnaire was pretty good, although I don’t feel like I had mentioned every aspect of my personality and am a little afraid of the answers. I hope I’ll get some after all, considering how long this has gotten.
1) How would an author describe you in a book? Write the paragraph that would introduce you in a novel.
She was a dreamy, emotional, yearning girl on the cusp of womanhood. Every day she had spent in this beautiful universe she had been in love, whether with boys, men, girls, flowers, birds, the moon, the night or persons she had imagined. From time to time she lived more in her dreams than in the real world and had a sense for beauty and art and loads of it inside her. Characterised through depth, creativeness and passion she kind of enjoyed the inner conflicts that she was dealing with and identified a lot about love and the great meaning it had for her life. Full of female energy she was affectionate and comprehensive but could also be pretty sensitive and easily worried. She loved literature, poetry, philosophy and theatre and was full of hope and dreams for the future.
2) Think over the past day or week and make a mental list (you can also write it here) of ways other people have annoyed, angered, or otherwise bothered you - any situation where people have done one thing, while you wished they would have done another. Look at each of these instances and answer (you can make a list or make note of general patterns - an example is good):
My mother and my sister went to hang out the laundry without me although we originally wanted to do it together.
a) How would I characterize the trait that bothered me?
I guess it is not really a trait that bothered me, it was just the whole situation.
b) Why did it bother me?
Lately, they do a lot of stuff without me and my sister talks more to my mother than I do (sometimes I get the feeling that my sister gets along better with her because she has forgiven her things I can’t forgive that easily). I felt like my sister was the “favourite childâ€, besides I got scared that, when I will leave the country for a year in some months, my mother and sister will get even closer and I will feel left out when I come back. I was emotional and stressed in this moment because the next day I had a very important exam on which I did not feel prepared, so I wouldn’t consider this emotional outburst to be too meaningful. I just wanted to be dramatic.
c) How did I react?
I ran out into the garden, cried, shouted that my sister was my mother’s favourite child and threw clothes pegs at my sister. We argued about whom of us was more selfish.
d) How do I wish I would have reacted?
In retrospective (when I write it down here) I feel kind of ashamed because my behaviour was very childish and selfish but my sister and mother did not make much of a big deal about it and like ten minutes later I had calmed down and everything was like nothing had happened, so I do not regret it that much. It would have been better if I had just gone out in the garden and helped them.
e) If there was a discrepancy between c. and d., why did it come up?
I just did not behave very blameless, I gave in to my want to be dramatic. I felt like reacting like that, and my current moral compass and self-control were not strong enough to keep me from doing it.
3) What holds you back in life? This can be an internal or external force. If that thing were gone, what would be different? What would you do?
My shyness and the problems I have when it comes to going towards others. If those things were gone, it would be more easy for me to do some stuff I really want to do (going to parties and social events, travelling, or even fulfil life dreams of mine like going to an acting school). I feel the need of being perceived as an interesting, desirable and beautiful person and I could achieve this goal more easily if I would not be so shy and introverted.
4) Your deepest secret has just been revealed to the person or people from whom you most wished to keep it. How do you feel? How do you react? What are the results on your life?
There is a thing that happened in my family that nobody I have contact to today knows about except my family and I do not even talk about it to them. If this “secret†would have been revealed to some people who are judgemental, insensitive and like to tattle that would be pretty hard for me. I would feel ashamed and it would hurt me that such a difficult thing came to so many people’s ears but on the other hand I would know that most people would react sympathetic and careful. I would just let it happen. The results on my daily life would not be big. Maybe I would finally start to face the topic up and learn how to deal with it.
5) You are offered one of three gifts: a bottle filled with water from the Fountain of Life, a crown which will give you peaceful dominion over the world's people for your entire (full) lifetime, and a ring which will unite you with your true love and ensure a happy, passionate marriage. Which do you choose and why? What are your hesitations and motivations?
I exclude the crown from the beginning. Although I sometimes dream of a world in which every person has the same amount of goods and in which no animal has to suffer, I do not think that it would be my place to rule over this world. It would just be way too much responsibility, and where do I know from that I would really be a peaceful ruler? Actually this crown would ruin my whole life because I would be busy all day with ruling and could not do the stuff I really want to do.
The bottle is alluring. Currently I am very young, only 18 years old, and I don’t know how I will deal with age when it has come. I enjoy my youth and my young body, I enjoy that all the world is open to me and that I can try out myself, and when I see old, bitter, lonely people who used to be someone completely different, I get sad and hope that I will never be like this, knowing that nobody can escape age.
Do I have to wear the ring immediately? I do hope to meet one of my soulmates out there one day but it would be ideal if I could make some meaningless, loose or poetic, tragic love experiences before. But I wish a lot to meet my perfect true love once with whom I can discuss literature, philosophy and society, I can be poetic in nature, I can travel and share sexuality, so I would choose the ring.
6) You are offered one of three houses. The first is located in a big city and has historic and artistic value: it was designed by a great architect and was owned by interesting people in the past. Owning this house is very prestigious and guarantees you social status and a circle of friends, but it also comes with responsibility - you must keep the house up to code, manage the household, and give parties and events. The second house you may design using your imagination - literally your dream house - it is located in a very secluded location and no one is allowed to visit this house except you and your immediate family. The third house is very nice, but has no particular aesthetic appeal - a McMansion in short. It is in an extremely convenient location and is very secure. It is impossible for thieves to break in and it has no danger of natural disasters. You are guaranteed to be able to sell the house for double the price in twenty years. Which do you choose and why? What are your hesitations and motivations?
I would clearly choose the second house that is secluded and that I can design after my dreams. I would make it a place full of beauty and poetry and the isolation would only help. That only my immediate family is allowed to visit it would not bother me very much – if I want to party, I do not have to do that at my own house.
7) You are offered one of three doors. The first opens to a world that is dangerous and demands mental or physical skill to navigate through, but also has great rewards to be gained: think of the worlds portrayed on the shows Game of Thrones or Supernatural. The second opens to a world that is full of wonders, magic, and knowledge, which can be learned or experienced, but there is little solid resting ground - think of the worlds portrayed in the shows Doctor Who or in the multi-media phenomenon A Hitchkiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The third opens to a world where you may experience a life of peaceful, uneventful poverty - think of the hobbits in the series Lord of the Rings or most of the animals living in Narnia. Which do you choose and why? What are your hesitations and motivations?
I would choose the second door to the world full of wonders, magic and knowledge – those sound more appealing to me than the great rewards you can gain in the first universe and I would not care about the little solid resting ground, it probably would make this world more interesting. The third universe full of peaceful poverty sounds interesting too and I would like to experience it once but it seems to be a little boring and only nice but not desirable like the second universe.
8) What do you wish people understood about you? Talk about a time you were misunderstood.
Sometimes I have problems with being taken too seriously if it comes to my ideas and thoughts. The enneagram is a good example: I do not think it’s science or psychology, I just find it interesting; it helps me discover myself and it is fun to me to type other people or book characters but I do not take it very seriously. Some people who are very much into science and rationality cannot understand that; neither can they understand that although I am a somewhat rational and philosophical person, I also have a spiritual side. But my point here is: when I talk about god, souls, fate, the universe I do not always mean it seriously, it’s just ideas which I like to express. It sometimes happened to me that people judged me for expressing thoughts which just floated through my head in a certain moment, and then did not get that I don't stand to hundred percent after everything I say.
9) What do you hope people won't notice about you? What are you uncomfortable being teased about?
I know that this doesn’t sound likeable but to be honest I couldn’t stand to be teased about anything that I don't consider as a positive trait. First of all, it would really bother me if anyone would tease me about anything connected to my outer appearance (my friends sometimes tease me about my little ears, but little ears are rather seen as sweet than as an unattractive by society, so I like that). There is a thing my friends used to tease me about and which I started to hate: they called me the mother of our group because sometimes I was very patronising towards my sister which I stopped to be by now. Over a certain time I identified with the role of the mother but then I started to feel being perceived as a boring kill-joy, and in the following time I tried very hard to get away from this role and succeeded.
My friends sometimes make fun of me for being dreamy and oblivious but I find that funny; I don’t feel uncomfortable about it at all because nobody is exaggerating it or making me to a caricature of myself.
So it is probably my motherliness that I don’t want people to notice because I think they would consider it as boring and see me as less of a young and attractive woman. I don’t want to be put in the role of a mother because I am so much more than that.
A trait I possess and really do not like about myself (so I try to hide it from people in the beginning) is that I can be a little uptight and controlling. I really try to work on that but sometimes it is difficult for me to just let things go and have fun. I also am easily worried but if people notice that it is okay to me, even though I don’t like it about myself but I actively hide my uptightness and try to be and come across as the contrary.
10) What's worse - to be seen as caring more than you do or less than you do? Why? Do you think you come across one way or the other? Do you typically pretend to care more or to care less?
I guess I pretend to care less than I really do. As a child I was unpopular and the picture of the worthless girl which nobody really wants to be seen with still haunts me. All romantic stuff going on in my life was intended by me – of course there were people who came on me but I never answered it, and I cared a lot more about the one boy I kissed and had a relationship with than he did care about me, and if I wouldn’t have gone towards him, nothing would have ever happened between us. That is why I am sometimes afraid of showing too much affection and to appear less attractive because of that, so I often try to come across more careless than I really am.
11) Think about a time that someone else tried to control your actions - to tell you what to do, to manipulate you, or influence you. How did you feel and how did you react? What went through your mind?
Maybe I just don’t notice it but actually I don’t get manipulated very often. If people try to control my actions by telling me what to do, I get unapproachable, sometimes feel offended (when my sister tries to tell me how to attract boys) or find pleasure in doing the exact contrary (when my father tells me what to do with my life). But if people that I respect criticise me or give me real advice, I always try to listen to them.
12) When you first meet someone, what are your first thoughts? What judgments do you make and what kinds of considerations do you have? Are you more concerned with what they think of you or what you think of them? If you are preparing to meet someone new, what do you hope about them and what do you fear about them?
I am clearly more concerned with what they think about me; I hope to make a good first impression and to be liked. When I meet someone for the very first time, I don’t really judge them in the beginning because I think that every single person is in some way loveable and that I just haven’t detected theirs yet but of course I have an all automatical impression – usually it is good when I can relate to the person, when they seem to be truly interested in me, caring about what I think of them and the same little bit insecure as I am. When the person I meet is too secure about him- or herself, when they seem to see me subordinate to them, I usually don’t like them that much.
13) Think about the last time you cried (if you've recently lost a loved one or gone through another similarly difficult experience, you can go back further and choose a random instance). What caused this? Who was around? Were you crying out of sadness, joy, frustration, or some other factor? How did you feel afterwards? Did it change anything? Is this typical for you?
Whilst I am having my final exams right now I go through a lot of crying. It is very typical for me to cry in stressful times and to be honest when I am having an exam the next day, I cry nearly every evening before, because I feel like I wasn't prepared enough.
I also used to cry on the evenings before social events but I overcame that in the last months, and one of the biggest steps I made when it comes to social skills is that I am not that afraid of social events anymore. When I am going through a very happy and adventurous time of my life, there can pass some weeks in which I don’t cry at all but that is very seldom; I usually cry at least one time a week, and when I go through hard times I am likely to cry every day.
It is not only because of stress or fear, sometimes I just get very emotional for no reason and start to cry because of daily stuff that seems very sad or touching to me in that moment. But I like that about myself, I wouldn’t want to change it.
14) Think about the last time you felt really happy, joyful, or satisfied. What caused this feeling? What was different? What keeps you from feeling this way all the time?
Lately, on an evening, I rode my bike through nature, no people were there, I sang and talked to myself and suddenly I saw a blossoming bush and felt like I was in a book or in holidays or in a film and got so touched and joyful.
But actually another experience came into my mind when I read this question: I was still with my boyfriend some months ago, and once, at night, we went out together and kissed, then my friends came and I had to go, he ran after me, I kissed him, he lifted me into the air and span me around. I don’t think that since then I ever felt so excited and full of love and happiness again.
I am fulfilled when I am in nature, I am fulfilled when I am writing, I am fulfilled when I am creating art, I am fulfilled when I am with my friends and family, I am fulfilled when I am alone and peaceful but I do not think that any of this comes to what I feel when I am in love. This is hard to say but it’s the truth.
15) If you were a tragic hero, what would be your fatal flaw? If you were a character in a comedy, what would be your distinguishing trait (i.e. stingy with money, fastidious, shallow, pretentious, etc.) Do you think others would agree with these?
My fatal flaw would be my greediness when it comes to emotions like romantic love. Probably I would once betray the people that are really important to me for adventures, freedom and fulfilling some dreams. Actually, I identify a lot about my fatal flaws like my need to be perceived as attractive and so on.
If I was a comedy figure my characteristic trait would probably be that I can be dreamy and oblivious or even a bit confused and messy, you could also laugh about how I sometimes overanalyse stuff and worry about things. I don’t know what my friends would say my fatal flaw is, it would be interesting to ask them. But with my comedy figure answer they would agree, I guess. When my friends once were asked to described me, a part of their description was “often the last one who gets the jokeâ€.
16) Think over the past day or week and make a mental list (you can also write it here) of ways that you have done badly - by yourself, by others, etc. - any time that you have done something, and wish you would have done better. How would you characterize these instances? What caused you to fail and what was your reaction? Are you more likely to be hard on yourself or to find excuses for yourself?
My last week is not much of a good example because I did not really live in this week or just lived for my exams. I could have worked harder for them this week but in retrospective I was okay and did almost everything I could. I’m sure I sometimes was unnecessarily mean towards my family but that is just how we are towards each other; my behaviour towards my family is never perfect.
I wish I had smiled at my ex who dumped me when our eyes met to show him that I have “forgiven†him and that I don’t want this strange and uncomfortable distance between us anymore, but I just couldn’t do it, although I really started to feel better about him in the last few weeks and had some insights. But maybe I will be strong enough to do it the next time when I see him and there’s a situation like that; I am not mad at myself.
I try to never find excuses for myself and to be completely honest with me but still I am not hard or abusive towards me. While in important emotional matters I would never lie to myself, it is possible that I sometimes find excuses for me when it comes to less important stuff.
17) a) Imagine meeting an evil version of yourself - your 'dark side' - and describe this person. That one is easy: a strict, boring, self-pitying, clingy, annoying woman.
b) Describe your ideal self. A beautiful, confident, strong woman who is not hiding but going out into the world and making her dreams come true. Looking for herself and the life she really wants to live she is comprehensive, wise and a role model to others. People want to be with her, find her charming, fascinating and attractive. She can be easy-going, adventurous and free, wears lipstick, clothes she feels good in, travels the world, goes out and is not dependent from any man.
This description is more difficult because some months ago it would have been completely different. Sometimes I just wish to be someone who can go crazy from time to time and do funny, careless things (like described in this poem: Poems and Poetry - When I Am Old. ), but at the same time I want to be wise and moral and caring.
18) What is your experience with and how do you deal with the following:
a) loneliness I have not known much loneliness the last years. Never have I been separated longer than some weeks from my sister who is my closest confidant, when she is near I can’t really feel lonely. Still I know the feeling of loneliness from my childhood, from situations in which I technically wasn’t lonely but felt like I was. There was always inner happiness and hope that kept me from despairing over it.
b) doubt When I have doubts about other people, my life, decisions I made, I am always honest to myself and never deny them. My struggles with self-doubt/insecurity about my whole personality are pretty much gone now although I had to deal with it during my early teenage years.
c) boredom Boredom is another thing I have overcome when growing up. Today I have too many dreams, plans and goals to be bored.
d) laziness Since I still go to school, I know the feeling of being lazy when it comes to subjects I don’t like but I hope that, when I soon will have finished school and can do the things I really want to do and am interested in, it won’t be that much of a big deal.
e) temper My mood changes can be strong and (as I mentioned before) I am temperamental towards my family and a very passionate person, although people who barely know me might think that I am very peaceful and calm. But most of the time, I react very stronly and emotional, whether it's about sadness, happiness or love.
19) Which of the 'seven deadly sins' - pride, wrath, sloth, envy, lust, gluttony, avarice - do you relate to most and why? Which do you relate to least and why? Feel free to go into depth about these.
The one I relate to most is clearly envy. I get envious if someone is having more friends than I do, is considered to be smarter and more literate, is invited to more parties, is more beautiful. Once, I read a newspaper article about a girl who was with the boy I was in love with, and I started to shout out of pure envy, that happened to me various times when I was in an unstable emotional state and saw people I know having fun on social media, this can be very hard for me. I hate the envy when my friends experience great things and I can’t be happy for them but it’s also something that pushes me a lot and I’m not sure whether I wanted to miss it.
Gluttony is the one I can relate to the least. When it comes to food or alcohol, I’ve never really gone beyond my limits.
20) Link a song you relate to and explain why.
This question is hard, there are many songs I can relate to but a best one doesn’t come to my head right now. One of them is “Paradise†by Coldplay. YouTube
“So she ran away in her sleep and dreamed of paradise†“In the night, the stormy night, she’ll close her eyes In the night, the stormy night, away she’d flyâ€
This is so me as a child. I always flew into my own worlds and dreamed of living in my books, being an actress, a mother, a rose princess, an angel etc. because my real life wasn’t easy.
There is a German song which I could also mention; it’s called “Wie ich†(“Like meâ€) by Kraftklub, ( YouTube ) and it doesn’t remember me to my current situation as well but to the one I used to be in some months ago. I can try to translate the lyrics into English.
“And the people say: ‘Stay the way you are’ But no, I’m sorry, maybe that isn’t enough to me Maybe I don’t find it very good how I am Maybe I’d like to be a little more like you Approaching somebody without sweat on my palms Being part of a discussion without rubbing somebody up the wrong way Speaking in whole sentences Not saying the wrong things for once Taking a position Having a posture ‘That’s going to pass by’ But what if not? What if everything stays like it is? If nothing changes except the sheets on my calendar? I’d like to be less like me A little more like you Saying something and not just talking – like me ‘Cause for it is basically always against it – like me Being more normal, less weird – like me ‘You’re good the way you are Stay true to yourself’ Or I’ll just tear everything apart and build the shit anew I wanna be someone I wanna go somewhere Unfortunately it has nothing to do with the person I am If not everybody’s laughing about my joke, that’s okay But it was nice if anybody except me would understand it But no, I’m sitting alone where the light’s not shining I’m just not up for being me anymore Maybe you wanna be like me too I guess that’s pretty easy Just always do the things I do And I can barely move Everything stands still Whereas you live exactly the life I want to live Your wife, your life, your job I’d like to be more like youâ€
While I never was that full of hate on myself like it is described in the song, I know the whole feeling perfectly well. Around one year ago I was afraid that I would stay a kind of socially excluded person forever, I was scared because I was almost 18 years old and had never been drinking, never been smoking, never been kissing, never been in a romantic relationship, never been invited to a real party and never been to a club.
I was envious at everyone who had done that, and at the same time I believed that it would just not be for me, that you had to be more attractive and desirable than I was to have fun at parties. Until then I had always been saying about myself that I wasn’t into parties and that I would never in my life drink alcohol. (Another complicated topic: I guess I developed a somewhat civil view of the world because my childhood was difficult and sometimes even only a little bit “scruffyâ€, so I wanted some normality in my life; that’s what I later abandoned completely as my boring, motherly and uptight side). In the last months I have done all the things I just enumerated (except smoking), and the last winter was the most adventurous and beautiful winter of my life.
My attitude towards partying still is not completely developed like I noticed writing about it here. Since my boyfriend has dumped me the amount of parties I went to sank and then I was very busy with my exams but yet something in my life and personality has changed, I go to parties now, I am much more open and I also have more friends now but I still haven’t really integrated all that partying stuff into my personality.
So, that’s it, the questionnaire was pretty good, although I don’t feel like I had mentioned every aspect of my personality and am a little afraid of the answers. I hope I’ll get some after all, considering how long this has gotten.
