This will be a long post
Before I begin, here's general info about myself:
- I'm 25, and frail/underweight.
- I care a whole lot about my external appearance, which is why I spend a lot of time and money on clothes. But I often forget to eat food or take medication because I'm too busy thinking.
- I'm drawn more towards humanitarian subjects like philosophy, history, arts, creative writing, rather than to natural sciences.
- My dream job would be to work as a field officer (spy) in an intelligence agency, or as some envoy/messenger in an international security/political organization like the UN.
So often people describe what they tend to do or how they tend to behave in select scenarios/situations. But I figured that possibly looking at likes/dislikes, and the motivations behind those likes/dislikes, could provide a much more specific and clearer picture.
Instead of providing just a general selection of random likes/dislikes, I'll sort them into categories based on environments.
I would like people assessing this post to focus more on functions rather than on dichotomy.
> What I like:
1. Spending a lot of time making long and well-styled posts. I can often return to the same post I made multiple times per day, and edit it, re-edit it, re-re-edit it, fixing grammar mistakes, spelling mistakes, reshaping the structure and placement of sentences and paragraphs, improving the styling of the text or words, to ensure that my message is conveyed as accurately as possible, and is as pleasant to read as possible. I'll probably end up editing this post at least 5 times throughout the day as well.
2. I love trolling and flirting. Although, I'm more of a troll than a flirt, somehow my trolling efforts directed at people of the opposite sex are always perceived by them as flirting, and generally very well accepted. As result I tend to attract a lot of praise and attention online, although I don't do this consciously. My reputation tends to be "negatively positive", that of: "he's an asshole, but a very lovable asshole." or "a shit-poster whom we can't live without".
3. I like to test grounds, and see how far can I push a person. I'll test whether I can discuss politics with him, and if he responds positively, I'll test how he reacts to my very unpopular views. And if he reacts negatively, I'll test how far I can push those unpopular views on him before he breaks or explodes.
4. I like advising community leaders on how to manage the community. Although I've learned already that I myself am not suited for community management. I tend to have a very mature and sophisticated understanding of human nature, and of how the community functions as a system, which should make me a good manager/diplomat/leader. But I also have an extremely strong inner-drive to act like a jerk, clown, child, asshole, troll. Which is why, I am more befitting as an advisor, who "manages" the community impersonally/indirectly, through a 3rd party, by giving good advice to those in power, but not being the one to act out that advice himself. I like creating rules, but I am also the first person to break the rules I created (not to mention, the rules others created).
5. I like role-playing my favorite characters online, which is why I often use pictures of them as avatars, rather than anything else.
> What I dislike:
1. I dislike people providing insufficient information/details in their posts. As well as bad structuring/styling of posts. Whenever I see such lack of effort in conveying your message, it generally annoys me to the point of me developing a negative first impression of the poster. If he doesn't put effort into what he's writing/saying, then he's not respecting his readers either.
2. I dislike people being too serious online. Even when I'm discussing things as serious as war (let's say the current conflict in Syria), I tend to add a bit of irony or trolling into the mix. I don't know why I do this, but I feel imposed on by people who want to make a conversation about war as tragic as war itself.
3. I dislike excessive bureaucracy in community management. When admins/mods are too stuck in their ways, unable to see that their rules or methods are causing more harm than good. I prefer managers who aren't afraid of flipping the chessboard upside-down every once in a while, and seeing the pieces fly in all directions. It provides for a necessary "refresh" of a structure/hierarchy/rulebook which every community needs.
> What I like:
1. I like getting out early in the morning, let's say around 5 or 6 AM, and visit parks. The reason for this is because I dislike crowds and seeing people in general. I prefer to be tête-à -tête with nature. (aka, be one-on-one with nature) Observe the the wind, rain, fog, trees, birds, without any sounds of humans or cars in the scenery. I consider humans as well as human-made machinery to be a visual and audible hindrance, that ruins everything.
2. Regardless of time-frame, whenever I visit cities or villages, I likewise prefer to see as little people in them as possible. Preferably no people at all. I like old towns, or old architecture, akin to what many Italian cities have to offer. But I can't enjoy all this beauty if there's people on the street.
3. Whenever I leave the house, no matter whether I'm going to the shop across the street, or on a date. I always dress as though I'm going on a date, or on a business meeting. I like to dress well, but the reason for this is a bit strange: I treat my clothes as "social armor". I know I am partially judged by what I wear, and for this reason, I want to wear the best things, which portray my best qualities. I want to be seen as someone who is elegant, confident, conservative. - hence even though I wear a lot of black, I wear the best black possible, in the best way I can muster. I don't buy a lot of clothes, but every single piece of clothes I do buy I tend to spend quite a fortune on. My jackets/coats especially are the most expensive parts of my attire. If I'd have slightly better financial capabilities, 100% of my clothes would be tailored. Needless to say, whenever I need to buy new clothes, I will spend months searching for the one-correct-best-option, which often annoys people who go shopping with me.
4. I like walking a lot, and exploring the environment. Even if I get physically tired, I will still likely push myself to check that one interesting corner of the street, or that interesting weird house. Walking around any city feels necessary, as the process helps render a mental map of the city. And I need to have mental maps of my surroundings in order to feel secure and confident. If someone however offers me a printed map instead, I might consider it, but I will likely end up ignoring it in the end, and still going off creating my own map by walking through the city myself.
> What I dislike:
1. I dislike excessively complicated streets, which are common in old towns or big cities. I felt extremely paranoid when visiting Moscow and Bordeaux, because both have a weird variety of wide and narrow streets, with random tram tracks on roads. I feel overwhelmed by this lack of structure, and getting around requires my brain extra mental resources. If I passed through a narrow street, I expect every other street to be narrow as well. And if these expectations aren't met, my inner voice goes: "Oh well, shit. So projections for the city were incorrect, back to the drawing board..."
2. As already mentioned. I dislike crowds or excessive commotion on streets. This isn't because I necessarily get overwhelmed by it. I think I'm fairly good at transforming "a mass of humans" into a "single element" in my brain, the movement of which I can easily predict and maneuver through. But I just dislike seeing these masses/elements on streets, as they draw attention away from the structural beauty of the city itself.
3. I dislike being looked at by strangers. Which is a weird paradox, considering I spend a lot of effort into dressing nice and looking nice. If you spend effort on your looks, you want to be looked at, correct? Well, this doesn't work for me. I want to look nice, but I don't want to be looked at. I haven't solved the riddle as to why this is happening. But whenever I notice that people are observing me, I lose my cool and become slightly more clumsy.
4. I dislike "messy" outdoors activities, like fishing, sports, camping. Even though I can actually be quite good at these activities once I put effort and focus into them, generally I prefer environments or activities where you can avoid dirt or getting hurt. The reason for this is because I like being and feeling "in control" of things, including of my environment. When there's too many unpredictable things that can happen in said environment, I prefer to avoid it.
1. The thing I dislike the most about school/work, is when other people observe me working/studying. I can't focus on my tasks if someone else is looking over my shoulder, eyeing everything I'm doing. I need privacy in all things that require my focus and effort. Which is why I'm super bad at working in groups or pairs. I tend to automatically focus on the person next to me rather than on the task at hand, and turning my attention back to the task becomes extremely difficult. To describe how exactly I focus on the person: my head gets cluttered with the following questions: "Why is he/she observing my work? Is he/she approving or disapproving of my results? Am I being judged now? How should I behave now to avoid being judged negatively? Damn it, I wasted so much time on these irrelevant questions, that my actual performance dropped and now I am definitely being judged negatively!"
1. I am a big introvert in real life, quite aloof and distant and cold, to the average observer. But, similarly to how I act online, when I feel comfortable or confident enough, I become extremely smug, provocative and troll-ish. I like playing word games, making jokes (some of which appear offensive to those around me), provoking people and testing their limits. I can't say I tend to talk much, but the little things I say every once and then tend to be either very sharp-tongued and smug, or ridiculously stupid.
2. I like physical contact with people I "accept" (more on this is described in my dislikes below this list), which is why I always offer to shake hands with people whenever meeting them. But my physical contact is rarely subtle. I tend to overexert myself. And especially if I'm shaking hands with a male of same or older age, I will put all the strength I can muster into the handshake, squeezing his hand to the point of inflicting pain. Likewise, when I decide to hug someone (which happens super rarely, again explained in my dislikes below), I will hug the person to the point of breaking him/her.
3. I like helping people, and I also like to avoid helping people. I feel like I am primed by nature to do other people favors, or to even spend my own money to help them out. Which is why I am often found to be taken advantage of. But just as often I tend to stop myself, and consciously sideline the person's needs. I feel shitty about doing so though, but I feel like saying "no" is an important act of asserting myself, and I generally tend to choose paths of self-assertion, as that makes me feel more fulfilled, than blind acts of generosity ever would. Blind generosity makes me feel good short-term, and shitty long-term. Acts of self-assertion and denying help, make me feel bad short-term, and good long-term.
> What I dislike:
1. The paradox of my physical contact preferences, is that I'm a template example of a touch-me-not. I dislike being hugged, or kissed, or any other form of physical intimacy. My general reaction to this tends to be: https://i.imgur.com/0haem89.jpg
That's how I react to physical contact in 95% of cases. But in those super rare 5% of cases, when I do indeed decide I want to physically accept the person, my physically-expressed love will go from none to pain-inducing, on the verge of lovingly-sadistic.
2. I dislike it when people shift attention from one subject to a completely unrelated subject mid-conversation. I tend to go into deep details about any subject I discuss, and if the person suddenly decides to switch the topic, I feel like my whole carefully constructed house of cards was arrogantly destroyed by him.
3. I dislike being excessively criticized, because I already know what flaws I have or what's wrong with me. If a person criticizes me, then he thinks I'm not self-conscious, then that means he thinks I'm stupid. Hence, criticism of any flaws I have becomes perceived by me as an insult of my intellectual capacity. I tend to seek out constructive criticism, one that points at the flaws I was unaware of. And I tend to give constructive criticism to other people, although they often find it to be hostile for whatever reason. I'm just trying to help.
1. I'm quite a stubborn person by nature, and my stubbornness isn't expressed only intellectually, but also physically. If the wind blows my way, I interpret it as a challenge, and increase my walking speed, to see if the wind has the power to stop me in my tracks. If I am pushed by someone or something, I will definitely push them back. If I am challenged in whatever possible way physically, be it by people, animals, or natural phenomenons, I will feel strongly compelled to "counter-attack" all challenges that come my way, as doing so feels pleasant and fulfilling.
2. I'm not sporty, and I dislike sport in general, probably because of being skinny and frail. But I nevertheless enjoy random physical outbursts to the point of hurting myself. And most importantly, I enjoy professional dancing and martial arts. I spent 7 years in a dancing school, and reached the top of my class. We had to dance in pairs, so aside from controlling my own body, I also had to control the body of my partner, and I enjoyed doing it, excelled at doing it, and earned medals on every single competition I was a part of. I never got into professional martial arts due to health issues, but I enjoyed imitating/repeating fights I saw in movies, especially as a kid. And doing this was extremely enjoyable, not only because it felt nice, but because every single move I repeated from king-fu movies actually led to me winning every single fight I was in. (that's considering I was the skinniest guy in class, also the most introverted and shy one)
3. I like calling out people and challenging authority in public. Which again is a paradox, considering I'm extremely shy and introverted. But it's quite common to see me loudly arguing with teachers or group leaders in front of everybody else. My reserves of inner-passion drive this kind of conduct, and it tends to happen very unexpectedly. I could spend an hour quietly sitting in a corner, and then I'm suddenly in the middle of the battlefield exploding fireworks in all direction. And I actually enjoy doing it for whatever reason.
4. I like very intense, complex and melancholic music, in fact, intense music is the only music I listen to. Laid back music rarely catches my attention. A good example of tension+melancholy would be this short piece: (yes, it's anime. But that's beside the point, because the song is by my #1 favorite composer of all time.)
The reason for this preference is because I deeply believe that music represents the make-up of the world/universe itself. And I see the world/universe as an extremely intense bundle of energy. I am part of that intense bundle of energy, and so is everyone and everything else. Tension/explosions are life-asserting, but all tension must also be complex and beautiful, which is why I often lean towards tense orchestra/opera-inspired music.
5. I like to envision movie scenes in my mind, especially when I go to sleep, as it helps me fall asleep. My daily routine is to imagine scenes from a story I'm creating. Each scene plays as a movie in my mind, with all the proper lighting/coloring/placement of characters and items, proper composition and framing. I envision every single move the character makes, and every single change of tone in his voice when he speaks. I envision multiple ways a character could execute a particular move, be it a roll, or a step, or a jump. Working on these scenes in my mind actually helps me fall asleep at night, even if the scenes themselves are intense fights/pursuits/etc.
6. I like to invest money into unique and beautiful things, even if they are completely useless in practice. Surrounding myself with expensive/pretty/unique/rare items makes me feel more secure for whatever reason. If I would be a collector, I'd probably collect jewels or swords, but only those which are extremely difficult to find on the market and get a hold of.
7. I like visiting churches, shrines, or other places of worship, as they are permeated by an air of mysticism and spiritual energy/power, which I love to absorb as though I am a sponge for these things. Unlike many rebellious people of this era, I have no problem with organized religion, as I am 100% convinced that nobody can push me down nor keep me down. I will "take" and enjoy the things I like in religion, and I will discard and trample all the things that will be force upon me in the process. I'm the type of person who never rejects any particular idea or system, just because it has some flaws in it. I am a person who will walk into that system, take what I like, and ignore everything I dislike. And I don't care if it may appear hypocritical at times, all I care about is enjoying what can and should be enjoyed, regardless of the limitations/rules/obstacles/morals set in place.
Hence, for example, I may be a follower of a religion, but I will reject some aspects of that religion which I deem wrong/pointless, yet still remain a follower. Or I can be a strong defender of monogamy, but will be perfectly fine with experiencing polygamy once or twice in my life "for science", whilst still remaining a strong proponent of monogamy.
8. I like to ask questions aimed at the source/origin of any fact or belief. And this often appears provocative to other people. For example, if a person says that "this is morally correct" and "that is morally incorrect", I will counter that with a question such as "But what is morality? When did it appear? Why did it appear? What function did it have when it appeared? Does it still have that function today? Are you conscious of the origins of morality when making moral statements?" etc.
I am genuinely interested and seriously care about these questions. People should not follow rules, if they don't understand them. And if they think they understand them, they should prove their understanding, before I accept their commitment to said rules. I am quite extreme with these questions, to the point of questioning "Is it really wrong to kill?" or "Is it really wrong to steal?", "How can we prove that it's wrong?" And "How will our proof hold out against human history?"
When I ask these questions, I instantly get accused of being immoral. But does being moral/immoral really matter when your ultimate goal is to find the truth?
9. Whenever I do any physical task whatsoever, I love to overdo it. This leads to injuries or other problems. If I'm asked to hug my mom, I won't only hug her but lift her up (despite her weighing more than me). Whenever I'm asked to carry a box, I will carry two. Whenever I'm asked to climb a ladder carefully, I will climb it like a jackass. All this happens despite the fact that I'm frail as fuck, and will in 99% cases hurt myself. But I still enjoy it.
10. I enjoy making sure that everything I do, including every step I make, or every gesture I make, is as elegant as possible. Hence why I often take "advice" from james bond movies, or movies which have "physically-confident" aristocrats.
11. I love to copy things. Since childhood I copied many of my mother's paintings, to the point of her confusing her paintings with my copies. I used to copy websites. I even copy the movement/gestures/styles of people I like or admire. My art/creativity/behavior/identity thus becomes a mosaic of things I copied from the things I admired/liked in life.
> What I dislike:
1. I dislike being pushed by others towards some action or decision. As I need time to properly process everything I am being offered or presented with, before making a choice or committing to an action.
2. I dislike being told to choose some single thing from many options. Because I always care deeply about the options I choose, and so every choice must be "the best" choice for me. But finding the best choice takes a lot of time and contemplation. Hence I have a tendency to spend a lot of time thinking, envisioning how could each choice benefit me, and deciding which benefits are better than and which are worse. In case of choices/decisions, I'm as slow as a snail, and others have often commented on this.
3. I dislike other people expressing what expectations they have of me, because I always feel strongly compelled to meet their expectations, no matter how ridiculous they are. So, hearing their expectations in regard to myself, I always feel slightly depressed, as I can't just throw their "needs" away, but I also am not sure whether I can successfully meet their needs.
4. I deeply dislike it when people attention-whore without having anything interesting to say. I might be quite an attention-whore myself sometimes (despite being usually introverted and shy), but if I do indeed attention-whore, I make sure that whatever I am saying is unique and interesting. That it's something people could actually benefit from hearing, even if they don't want to hear it. So whenever I see a person attention-whoring in a very cheap-way, I will very likely start a competition with him, start provoking him and attacking his intelligence/knowledge, make an enemy out of him. My tendency to challenge attention-whores or wannabe leaders, is what often makes other people either (a) hate me, or (b) admire me.
And this is when I start considering all haters as my enemies as well (hence my enemy list expands), and all admirers as my comrades or as brothers-in-arms.
But generally, whenever I decide to take up arms against someone, I follow a "either you're with me or against me" attitude. I don't need followers to win a battle, I'll just give it my all, and either win or die fighting.
I'm so committed to my fights, that I honestly don't care if the fight kills me. Knowing I had fought "with dedication" is what ultimately gives me a sense of fulfillment and pride. Not the result of the fight itself.
Before I begin, here's general info about myself:
- I'm 25, and frail/underweight.
- I care a whole lot about my external appearance, which is why I spend a lot of time and money on clothes. But I often forget to eat food or take medication because I'm too busy thinking.
- I'm drawn more towards humanitarian subjects like philosophy, history, arts, creative writing, rather than to natural sciences.
- My dream job would be to work as a field officer (spy) in an intelligence agency, or as some envoy/messenger in an international security/political organization like the UN.
So often people describe what they tend to do or how they tend to behave in select scenarios/situations. But I figured that possibly looking at likes/dislikes, and the motivations behind those likes/dislikes, could provide a much more specific and clearer picture.
Instead of providing just a general selection of random likes/dislikes, I'll sort them into categories based on environments.
I would like people assessing this post to focus more on functions rather than on dichotomy.
Online/internet/chats/forums:
> What I like:
1. Spending a lot of time making long and well-styled posts. I can often return to the same post I made multiple times per day, and edit it, re-edit it, re-re-edit it, fixing grammar mistakes, spelling mistakes, reshaping the structure and placement of sentences and paragraphs, improving the styling of the text or words, to ensure that my message is conveyed as accurately as possible, and is as pleasant to read as possible. I'll probably end up editing this post at least 5 times throughout the day as well.
2. I love trolling and flirting. Although, I'm more of a troll than a flirt, somehow my trolling efforts directed at people of the opposite sex are always perceived by them as flirting, and generally very well accepted. As result I tend to attract a lot of praise and attention online, although I don't do this consciously. My reputation tends to be "negatively positive", that of: "he's an asshole, but a very lovable asshole." or "a shit-poster whom we can't live without".
3. I like to test grounds, and see how far can I push a person. I'll test whether I can discuss politics with him, and if he responds positively, I'll test how he reacts to my very unpopular views. And if he reacts negatively, I'll test how far I can push those unpopular views on him before he breaks or explodes.
4. I like advising community leaders on how to manage the community. Although I've learned already that I myself am not suited for community management. I tend to have a very mature and sophisticated understanding of human nature, and of how the community functions as a system, which should make me a good manager/diplomat/leader. But I also have an extremely strong inner-drive to act like a jerk, clown, child, asshole, troll. Which is why, I am more befitting as an advisor, who "manages" the community impersonally/indirectly, through a 3rd party, by giving good advice to those in power, but not being the one to act out that advice himself. I like creating rules, but I am also the first person to break the rules I created (not to mention, the rules others created).
5. I like role-playing my favorite characters online, which is why I often use pictures of them as avatars, rather than anything else.
> What I dislike:
1. I dislike people providing insufficient information/details in their posts. As well as bad structuring/styling of posts. Whenever I see such lack of effort in conveying your message, it generally annoys me to the point of me developing a negative first impression of the poster. If he doesn't put effort into what he's writing/saying, then he's not respecting his readers either.
2. I dislike people being too serious online. Even when I'm discussing things as serious as war (let's say the current conflict in Syria), I tend to add a bit of irony or trolling into the mix. I don't know why I do this, but I feel imposed on by people who want to make a conversation about war as tragic as war itself.
3. I dislike excessive bureaucracy in community management. When admins/mods are too stuck in their ways, unable to see that their rules or methods are causing more harm than good. I prefer managers who aren't afraid of flipping the chessboard upside-down every once in a while, and seeing the pieces fly in all directions. It provides for a necessary "refresh" of a structure/hierarchy/rulebook which every community needs.
City/outdoors:
> What I like:
1. I like getting out early in the morning, let's say around 5 or 6 AM, and visit parks. The reason for this is because I dislike crowds and seeing people in general. I prefer to be tête-à -tête with nature. (aka, be one-on-one with nature) Observe the the wind, rain, fog, trees, birds, without any sounds of humans or cars in the scenery. I consider humans as well as human-made machinery to be a visual and audible hindrance, that ruins everything.
2. Regardless of time-frame, whenever I visit cities or villages, I likewise prefer to see as little people in them as possible. Preferably no people at all. I like old towns, or old architecture, akin to what many Italian cities have to offer. But I can't enjoy all this beauty if there's people on the street.
3. Whenever I leave the house, no matter whether I'm going to the shop across the street, or on a date. I always dress as though I'm going on a date, or on a business meeting. I like to dress well, but the reason for this is a bit strange: I treat my clothes as "social armor". I know I am partially judged by what I wear, and for this reason, I want to wear the best things, which portray my best qualities. I want to be seen as someone who is elegant, confident, conservative. - hence even though I wear a lot of black, I wear the best black possible, in the best way I can muster. I don't buy a lot of clothes, but every single piece of clothes I do buy I tend to spend quite a fortune on. My jackets/coats especially are the most expensive parts of my attire. If I'd have slightly better financial capabilities, 100% of my clothes would be tailored. Needless to say, whenever I need to buy new clothes, I will spend months searching for the one-correct-best-option, which often annoys people who go shopping with me.
4. I like walking a lot, and exploring the environment. Even if I get physically tired, I will still likely push myself to check that one interesting corner of the street, or that interesting weird house. Walking around any city feels necessary, as the process helps render a mental map of the city. And I need to have mental maps of my surroundings in order to feel secure and confident. If someone however offers me a printed map instead, I might consider it, but I will likely end up ignoring it in the end, and still going off creating my own map by walking through the city myself.
> What I dislike:
1. I dislike excessively complicated streets, which are common in old towns or big cities. I felt extremely paranoid when visiting Moscow and Bordeaux, because both have a weird variety of wide and narrow streets, with random tram tracks on roads. I feel overwhelmed by this lack of structure, and getting around requires my brain extra mental resources. If I passed through a narrow street, I expect every other street to be narrow as well. And if these expectations aren't met, my inner voice goes: "Oh well, shit. So projections for the city were incorrect, back to the drawing board..."
2. As already mentioned. I dislike crowds or excessive commotion on streets. This isn't because I necessarily get overwhelmed by it. I think I'm fairly good at transforming "a mass of humans" into a "single element" in my brain, the movement of which I can easily predict and maneuver through. But I just dislike seeing these masses/elements on streets, as they draw attention away from the structural beauty of the city itself.
3. I dislike being looked at by strangers. Which is a weird paradox, considering I spend a lot of effort into dressing nice and looking nice. If you spend effort on your looks, you want to be looked at, correct? Well, this doesn't work for me. I want to look nice, but I don't want to be looked at. I haven't solved the riddle as to why this is happening. But whenever I notice that people are observing me, I lose my cool and become slightly more clumsy.
4. I dislike "messy" outdoors activities, like fishing, sports, camping. Even though I can actually be quite good at these activities once I put effort and focus into them, generally I prefer environments or activities where you can avoid dirt or getting hurt. The reason for this is because I like being and feeling "in control" of things, including of my environment. When there's too many unpredictable things that can happen in said environment, I prefer to avoid it.
School/office:
> What I dislike:1. The thing I dislike the most about school/work, is when other people observe me working/studying. I can't focus on my tasks if someone else is looking over my shoulder, eyeing everything I'm doing. I need privacy in all things that require my focus and effort. Which is why I'm super bad at working in groups or pairs. I tend to automatically focus on the person next to me rather than on the task at hand, and turning my attention back to the task becomes extremely difficult. To describe how exactly I focus on the person: my head gets cluttered with the following questions: "Why is he/she observing my work? Is he/she approving or disapproving of my results? Am I being judged now? How should I behave now to avoid being judged negatively? Damn it, I wasted so much time on these irrelevant questions, that my actual performance dropped and now I am definitely being judged negatively!"
General real-life interaction and conversations:
> What I like:1. I am a big introvert in real life, quite aloof and distant and cold, to the average observer. But, similarly to how I act online, when I feel comfortable or confident enough, I become extremely smug, provocative and troll-ish. I like playing word games, making jokes (some of which appear offensive to those around me), provoking people and testing their limits. I can't say I tend to talk much, but the little things I say every once and then tend to be either very sharp-tongued and smug, or ridiculously stupid.
2. I like physical contact with people I "accept" (more on this is described in my dislikes below this list), which is why I always offer to shake hands with people whenever meeting them. But my physical contact is rarely subtle. I tend to overexert myself. And especially if I'm shaking hands with a male of same or older age, I will put all the strength I can muster into the handshake, squeezing his hand to the point of inflicting pain. Likewise, when I decide to hug someone (which happens super rarely, again explained in my dislikes below), I will hug the person to the point of breaking him/her.
3. I like helping people, and I also like to avoid helping people. I feel like I am primed by nature to do other people favors, or to even spend my own money to help them out. Which is why I am often found to be taken advantage of. But just as often I tend to stop myself, and consciously sideline the person's needs. I feel shitty about doing so though, but I feel like saying "no" is an important act of asserting myself, and I generally tend to choose paths of self-assertion, as that makes me feel more fulfilled, than blind acts of generosity ever would. Blind generosity makes me feel good short-term, and shitty long-term. Acts of self-assertion and denying help, make me feel bad short-term, and good long-term.
> What I dislike:
1. The paradox of my physical contact preferences, is that I'm a template example of a touch-me-not. I dislike being hugged, or kissed, or any other form of physical intimacy. My general reaction to this tends to be: https://i.imgur.com/0haem89.jpg
That's how I react to physical contact in 95% of cases. But in those super rare 5% of cases, when I do indeed decide I want to physically accept the person, my physically-expressed love will go from none to pain-inducing, on the verge of lovingly-sadistic.
2. I dislike it when people shift attention from one subject to a completely unrelated subject mid-conversation. I tend to go into deep details about any subject I discuss, and if the person suddenly decides to switch the topic, I feel like my whole carefully constructed house of cards was arrogantly destroyed by him.
3. I dislike being excessively criticized, because I already know what flaws I have or what's wrong with me. If a person criticizes me, then he thinks I'm not self-conscious, then that means he thinks I'm stupid. Hence, criticism of any flaws I have becomes perceived by me as an insult of my intellectual capacity. I tend to seek out constructive criticism, one that points at the flaws I was unaware of. And I tend to give constructive criticism to other people, although they often find it to be hostile for whatever reason. I'm just trying to help.
Miscellaneous:
> What I like:1. I'm quite a stubborn person by nature, and my stubbornness isn't expressed only intellectually, but also physically. If the wind blows my way, I interpret it as a challenge, and increase my walking speed, to see if the wind has the power to stop me in my tracks. If I am pushed by someone or something, I will definitely push them back. If I am challenged in whatever possible way physically, be it by people, animals, or natural phenomenons, I will feel strongly compelled to "counter-attack" all challenges that come my way, as doing so feels pleasant and fulfilling.
2. I'm not sporty, and I dislike sport in general, probably because of being skinny and frail. But I nevertheless enjoy random physical outbursts to the point of hurting myself. And most importantly, I enjoy professional dancing and martial arts. I spent 7 years in a dancing school, and reached the top of my class. We had to dance in pairs, so aside from controlling my own body, I also had to control the body of my partner, and I enjoyed doing it, excelled at doing it, and earned medals on every single competition I was a part of. I never got into professional martial arts due to health issues, but I enjoyed imitating/repeating fights I saw in movies, especially as a kid. And doing this was extremely enjoyable, not only because it felt nice, but because every single move I repeated from king-fu movies actually led to me winning every single fight I was in. (that's considering I was the skinniest guy in class, also the most introverted and shy one)
3. I like calling out people and challenging authority in public. Which again is a paradox, considering I'm extremely shy and introverted. But it's quite common to see me loudly arguing with teachers or group leaders in front of everybody else. My reserves of inner-passion drive this kind of conduct, and it tends to happen very unexpectedly. I could spend an hour quietly sitting in a corner, and then I'm suddenly in the middle of the battlefield exploding fireworks in all direction. And I actually enjoy doing it for whatever reason.
4. I like very intense, complex and melancholic music, in fact, intense music is the only music I listen to. Laid back music rarely catches my attention. A good example of tension+melancholy would be this short piece: (yes, it's anime. But that's beside the point, because the song is by my #1 favorite composer of all time.)
5. I like to envision movie scenes in my mind, especially when I go to sleep, as it helps me fall asleep. My daily routine is to imagine scenes from a story I'm creating. Each scene plays as a movie in my mind, with all the proper lighting/coloring/placement of characters and items, proper composition and framing. I envision every single move the character makes, and every single change of tone in his voice when he speaks. I envision multiple ways a character could execute a particular move, be it a roll, or a step, or a jump. Working on these scenes in my mind actually helps me fall asleep at night, even if the scenes themselves are intense fights/pursuits/etc.
6. I like to invest money into unique and beautiful things, even if they are completely useless in practice. Surrounding myself with expensive/pretty/unique/rare items makes me feel more secure for whatever reason. If I would be a collector, I'd probably collect jewels or swords, but only those which are extremely difficult to find on the market and get a hold of.
7. I like visiting churches, shrines, or other places of worship, as they are permeated by an air of mysticism and spiritual energy/power, which I love to absorb as though I am a sponge for these things. Unlike many rebellious people of this era, I have no problem with organized religion, as I am 100% convinced that nobody can push me down nor keep me down. I will "take" and enjoy the things I like in religion, and I will discard and trample all the things that will be force upon me in the process. I'm the type of person who never rejects any particular idea or system, just because it has some flaws in it. I am a person who will walk into that system, take what I like, and ignore everything I dislike. And I don't care if it may appear hypocritical at times, all I care about is enjoying what can and should be enjoyed, regardless of the limitations/rules/obstacles/morals set in place.
Hence, for example, I may be a follower of a religion, but I will reject some aspects of that religion which I deem wrong/pointless, yet still remain a follower. Or I can be a strong defender of monogamy, but will be perfectly fine with experiencing polygamy once or twice in my life "for science", whilst still remaining a strong proponent of monogamy.
8. I like to ask questions aimed at the source/origin of any fact or belief. And this often appears provocative to other people. For example, if a person says that "this is morally correct" and "that is morally incorrect", I will counter that with a question such as "But what is morality? When did it appear? Why did it appear? What function did it have when it appeared? Does it still have that function today? Are you conscious of the origins of morality when making moral statements?" etc.
I am genuinely interested and seriously care about these questions. People should not follow rules, if they don't understand them. And if they think they understand them, they should prove their understanding, before I accept their commitment to said rules. I am quite extreme with these questions, to the point of questioning "Is it really wrong to kill?" or "Is it really wrong to steal?", "How can we prove that it's wrong?" And "How will our proof hold out against human history?"
When I ask these questions, I instantly get accused of being immoral. But does being moral/immoral really matter when your ultimate goal is to find the truth?
9. Whenever I do any physical task whatsoever, I love to overdo it. This leads to injuries or other problems. If I'm asked to hug my mom, I won't only hug her but lift her up (despite her weighing more than me). Whenever I'm asked to carry a box, I will carry two. Whenever I'm asked to climb a ladder carefully, I will climb it like a jackass. All this happens despite the fact that I'm frail as fuck, and will in 99% cases hurt myself. But I still enjoy it.
10. I enjoy making sure that everything I do, including every step I make, or every gesture I make, is as elegant as possible. Hence why I often take "advice" from james bond movies, or movies which have "physically-confident" aristocrats.
11. I love to copy things. Since childhood I copied many of my mother's paintings, to the point of her confusing her paintings with my copies. I used to copy websites. I even copy the movement/gestures/styles of people I like or admire. My art/creativity/behavior/identity thus becomes a mosaic of things I copied from the things I admired/liked in life.
> What I dislike:
1. I dislike being pushed by others towards some action or decision. As I need time to properly process everything I am being offered or presented with, before making a choice or committing to an action.
2. I dislike being told to choose some single thing from many options. Because I always care deeply about the options I choose, and so every choice must be "the best" choice for me. But finding the best choice takes a lot of time and contemplation. Hence I have a tendency to spend a lot of time thinking, envisioning how could each choice benefit me, and deciding which benefits are better than and which are worse. In case of choices/decisions, I'm as slow as a snail, and others have often commented on this.
3. I dislike other people expressing what expectations they have of me, because I always feel strongly compelled to meet their expectations, no matter how ridiculous they are. So, hearing their expectations in regard to myself, I always feel slightly depressed, as I can't just throw their "needs" away, but I also am not sure whether I can successfully meet their needs.
4. I deeply dislike it when people attention-whore without having anything interesting to say. I might be quite an attention-whore myself sometimes (despite being usually introverted and shy), but if I do indeed attention-whore, I make sure that whatever I am saying is unique and interesting. That it's something people could actually benefit from hearing, even if they don't want to hear it. So whenever I see a person attention-whoring in a very cheap-way, I will very likely start a competition with him, start provoking him and attacking his intelligence/knowledge, make an enemy out of him. My tendency to challenge attention-whores or wannabe leaders, is what often makes other people either (a) hate me, or (b) admire me.
And this is when I start considering all haters as my enemies as well (hence my enemy list expands), and all admirers as my comrades or as brothers-in-arms.
But generally, whenever I decide to take up arms against someone, I follow a "either you're with me or against me" attitude. I don't need followers to win a battle, I'll just give it my all, and either win or die fighting.
I'm so committed to my fights, that I honestly don't care if the fight kills me. Knowing I had fought "with dedication" is what ultimately gives me a sense of fulfillment and pride. Not the result of the fight itself.
