1. What do you think your life is about? What drives you in life? This can be something like a goal or a purpose, or anything else that comes to mind.
First of everything, to do humanness justice by depicting it naturalistically in written fiction - people look at each other simplistically with cruel consequences, and I want to force them to do otherwise. Then, place these meticulous characters in weird and decidedly unreal settings and situations, which serves me in a more personal way. The contrast generates both humor and horror, two things I struggle with and need to explore. If my ability to imagine images and stories were to leave me, it would not matter what I had left.
After that, being capable of love and self-sufficiency. When I do something wrong, the worst shame comes in the form of imagining that I could repeat the error upon a future partner. Another fear is of becoming incapacitated and unable to work to support myself, and requiring sacrificial care from others. Hypocritically, I firmly plan to support my parents when they come to the age where they need it. This is because I was an angry and distant child and sibling and, now that I am developed enough as an adult to see what was lost back then, don’t want to miss any more chances to be there for family.
2. What were you like as a kid?
Inwardly: Deep down did not care about anything but absorbing my own interests and especially creative pursuits. Quite possibly cared more about those things than I did about people, although writing fiction would quickly come to be the thing that developed my empathy through being an endless exercise in perspective taking, and on the other hand did go out of my way in some altruistic acts. Hated to be told what to do and was enraged at being pried away from the activities I loved, but was ashamed of this inner reaction and only expressed shame when called out. Was diligent and vulnerable at school, but angry at home. Obsessed with what made me “good†or “bad†as a value or in comparison to others, especially those close to me, tending to come up short. Massive inverted pride.
Outwardly: TBH, nerrrrrrrrd (not that anything has changed). Hyperfocused on different interests and artistic outlets until I found my One (writing fiction) and never shifted again; secretive about these even with family. Physically precise and did not like messing things up or making an imperfect product. Gave up my space to louder and pushier people. Always on the computer. Did not laugh at myself. Exhibitionistic with aesthetics and clothes. Had a guilty greed for sensations like food and toys. Whiny when physically taxed.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents. Does anything stand out about the way you interacted?
Many people say they believe in freedom but don’t actually perform that belief in the way they treat others; I am grateful that my parents have actually walked that talk and can be trusted absolutely not to force my hand or reject me over personal differences so long as I am not hurting myself or others. I am closer to my mother than my father because of the latter’s extremely conflict-averse personality.
4. What values are important to you? What do you hope to avoid doing or being?
My answers to questions 1 and 6 cover almost all of this (yes, I am doing this out of order). I will add that what I hope to avoid is using up all of my time in silence and fears of rejection and annihilation, creating nothing, protecting nothing, and being there for no one. Doing so would be the easiest thing in the world for me.
5. Aside from phobias, are there any fears that characterized your childhood? Have they continued into the present day, or not, and if not, how have you dealt with them?
I was afraid of death most of all, which has not changed - the fear has, though, become more philosophically entwined and my sense of the moral stakes of overcoming it have risen greatly. I also still have some fear of rejection, but my expectations of what will happen if I am rejected have become much more realistic and moderate via experience (if not as much as I could dare to have) and even just hearing other people's stories.
6. a.) How do you see yourself?
b.) How do you want others to see you?
c.) What do you dislike the most in other people?
a.) I am my actions. Anything I know within but don't act in sync with is just a pipe dream. I may have plenty of those, but they're all nothing until I summon the courage to bring them to real life. Active courage is what reality is made of.
b.) I want people to see me as I am, which makes this question actually about who I want to be. I aspire to be someone that people can trust, and trust to stand up for what's good. I want to be someone that others feel safe and protected alongside, and loved. I want to be warm and brave. I want to know and do the compassionate thing even when it's hard. I want to have integrity. How I actually do at these valued things is a hard question because in reality I keep to myself and just preserving myself a lot, but even my estimate of that could be off. Right now, at least, I feel much more capable of reaching out than I've felt before.
c.) I strongly dislike the bitter brand of nihilism. I do not trust those who believe that nothing is sacred, and my distrust is confirmed if they take the attitude that what's sacred to others is asking for exploitation like a short skirt. Another thing, I think that trying to make tightly logical sense of human motivations too often leads to cold and unrealistic conclusions - we’re rather foggy and rationally unsatisfying inside, and someone who is empathizing will factor that in when trying to understand others’ behavior. When I don't sense that in someone who is talking about someone else, like they are trying to immaculately work a human being out, it irritates me (*hypocritically does this to self on the regular*).
7. Which habit do you most automatically act on? Rank the following habits from most to least automatic, on a scale of 1 (most) to 3 (least).
a.) Work for personal gain with more concern for self than for others. 1
b.) Strive for a sense of tranquility in yourself and the world around you 3
c.) Decide what is right for the betterment of something or someone else. 2
8. Where does the wandering mind take you? What provokes this?
It takes me to whatever story I am working on, especially the people in it and how they are connected. This wandering is stimulated by being awake. I despise sleep.
9.What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
Best? When I get into the flow state with writing where I automatically intuit how characters will respond to each other and even physically sync with what is going on. Worst? It's a tie between discovering that I have wronged someone while either being genuinely unaware of it or just self-absorbedly ignoring it, and having urgent physical or resource concerns emerge and trump all else due to their basal nature.
10. Let's talk about emotions. Explain what might make you feel the following, how they feel to you or how you react to the emotion:
a.) anger
b.) shame
c.) anxiety
a.) My relationship with this is inconsistent. There have been periods where I have not been aware of any anger that wasn’t self-directed. Other times, keeping tight chains on anger at every little thing that doesn't work exactly as it should. I have also gotten feedback that I don’t appear to have “cold†anger - expressed like spiteful apathy or sarcasm; only “hot†anger - emotional rage, aggression. Anger was totally rejected as a feeling of any value by my family of origin, but I've learned more about its messages as an adult and also taught myself to effectively manage it pretty much all on my own. My perspective on it has changed immensely, and my integrity in dealing with it has come such a long way.
b.) The perception that something is inherently different or weakened about myself is obviously core. The distortion tells me that I have to work harder to live than I may need to in reality. It also carries an assumption that the difference is something bad, when difference need not be. Becoming more conscious of this brings up a strange feeling like it’s some kind of obligation to see myself this way, like the idea that something was wrong with me was pushed on me early on but deeper down I am more honestly proud of what makes me myself. There is also a grain of truth to deal with - I was originally singled out as a weird kid before I started identifying as one, and it's not surprising.
c.) I have seen pathological anxiety defined as the inability to tolerate anxiety. The desperate attempts to make it end are what either makes it worse or slip outside one’s core values in panic and are regretted later. I hate how fear pushes my focus onto the physical.
11. Describe how you respond to the following:
a.) stress
b.) negative unexpected change
c.) conflict
a.) Only in the most serious cases let stress interfere with my work, social events or deadlines. Responsibilities become more pressing; I do not become apathetic under any condition or circumstance. Stuff like cleaning and exercise are more what will suffer. Likely to double down on work to shield myself with resources, and when off work or away from social obligations, do tightly contained things that take all focus off of the physical. May visibly exude stress in public, but will only intentionally unload it one-on-one with a therapist or very few, very intimate people.
b.) Expect it, lol. I don't even enjoy neutral change - my ideal would be to create an ideal situation all the way down to the little details, and then once the ideal is reached, stop time and have it perpetuate forever. If I've worked hard to create something that's just right, I damn well want it to stagnate. But we must be realistic. I will handle change when it's in the service of a clear greater goal or urgent need, but don't pursue it for enjoyment and dislike when others initiate changes for abstract reasons when what we have is performing well.
c.) I might be shy about starting conflicts, but once something is already in the air, I want to meet it, talk about it, gut it all out in one go. I have the energy for that; I don't have the energy to go around with it hanging over my head like a cloud that also screams nonstop.
12. a.) What kind of role are you naturally inclined to take in a group? Why?
b.) If put in power, how do you behave? Why?
c.) Do you tend to struggle with others who have authority over you? Why?
a.) In a project group, I want a very specific, self-contained but important task, and I want to put all of my focus into this specific contribution and make it absolutely perfect. I’m not drawn to taking command of the group and dislike when my responsibilities are varied and/or ill-delineated. All I will ever ask is to be absolutely clear on what the group needs from me.
b.) If put in a position of authority, I struggle with communicating as much information to the group as they will need, but not at all because I don’t care - rather because I just don’t have the spread of focus to attend to a group without applying severe force. But if I discover that my power is doing wrong by others, I will apply the needed force to go above and beyond in correcting that. I don’t enjoy authority but will take it on if it is necessary to prevent an undesired outcome.
c.) While I remember as a kid having a strong hateful reaction against being told what to do, I did not act out rebellion with any real force. At worst, I would be smacked on the wrist once for tuning out authority, and once was enough at least for a while. A leader may be put off me if they sense that I am not honestly interested in what we are doing, which may be true but is also a misunderstanding - honestly, very very few things interest me in this life, but I have never allowed that to interfere with completing duties in timely manner even if motivation is a struggle (let me handle that myself; I WILL handle it). There are things we all have to do and work together on sometimes regardless of how much we like it. As soon as leadership alerts me that they need more from me, I will switch modes and generate five times what they have in mind (but still, this is just a shift in approach to getting out of it by successfully going through it).
13. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
I tend to see what’s appealing and good in others first, and if that’s not uncommon, IME it’s uncommon for people to admit to it.
14. Comment on your relationship with trust.
I honestly do not know whether I trust people too easily or too little. It sounds obvious and weird, but I don’t. It could be both - that I approach people optimistically, but when I get burned it sticks with me and I will not easily make a similar connection again for a very long time.
15. Briefly: What religious and/or political beliefs do you have? Do you think they influenced your responses in this questionnaire?
I have explored several varieties of spirituality in my life and took from each something that was at the time necessary; however, I’ve ultimately never committed to one even if I’ve considered doing so a couple times. Religion/politics have not influenced my questionnaire answers whatsoever.
Which of the following temptations do you find yourself acting upon the most? (And briefly state why)
Describing all a bit; italicizing the ones that apply most.
- To constantly push yourself to be “the best" - This is a very primal, urgent compulsion that can’t be explained that much.
- To be without needs, well-intentioned - With an adjustment: to be without needs *when they would conflict with my short or long-term goals, or with my obligations and commitments*.
- To replace direct experience with concepts - I accuse myself of doing this almost once per page of my blogs.
- To have an extreme sense of personal moral obligation - I would say that I think/feel this way too much more than I act upon it, but have received more positive feedback from others that they do see me work very hard for what I value.
- To think that fulfillment is somewhere else - “Somewhere else†for me tends to mean the future, and only if I do things right and work hard enough today.
- To cyclically become indecisive and seek others for reassurance - Indecisive never describes me, but will seek reassurance under stress because stress drains my trust in my own thoughts and perceptions.
- To overuse imagination in searching for yourself - I kind of bristle at the idea that imagination can be overused.
- To avoid conflicts and asserting yourself - As stated earlier, I will avoid starting them, but if I feel one is already there, am most comfortable finishing it right away and not avoiding it.
- To consider yourself entirely self-sufficient - Yes. It’s hard to stomach any feeling that I deserve anything that I can’t get or do for myself, but in spite of that, I know when to ask for help and will put any resistance aside at that time.
What's something you are: a.) thankful you have b.) wish you could have? Why?
I am thankful for my imagination and my impressions, and the energy that these generate. I am more than thankful for being alive and awake. I wish I had more time in my lifespan, to be awake longer. And in a more specific sense, more time to spend on the things that mean much to me.
