lost boy in need of help

[baroquerock]

Ok, I've been trying to understand what my MBTI type is and I have absolutely no idea because I'm not good with this self-analysis stuff. But then again no one is.
Well anyway! I hope someone will help me. I'll pay you back! Promise.

Also, if there's something that suggests what my enneagram might be, feel free to tell me about that too, thanks. I considered 4w3, 4w5 and even 5w4. Or 6? No idea.

Well, this is the part where I realise I have no idea what to write. I think it's okay to start by saying that I like psychology in general because... I'm not sure why. I remember that since when I was a kid (like 11 or 12) I'd spend hours on Wikipedia, reading all about mental illnesses (yes, weird and morbid, I know), and it was just so interesting, you know?

I'm not sure if it's because maybe on some unconscious level I think that understanding how the human mind works will help me in social interactions? I'm not implying that I'm a socially awkward odd-ball, it's just that sometimes I feel a little off, compared to others. In groups, I'm usually the quiet one, but when I'm around people who are a lot more extroverted than I am (especially ESFPs and ENFJs), I find myself more at ease and I participate a lot more to the conversations. The majority of my friends are introverts though, so it's a rare event.

Moving on, as I've mentioned, I don't do a lot of self-analysis because I'm really lazy and whenever I attempt to do that, I fall down a spiral of self-loathing ("Oh no, all this thinking about my personality made me realise that it sucks!"). This means that I completed a lot of tests. I know they're not that reliable, but since the results were more or less consistent, there must be a little bit of truth in the results.

I scored a lot as XNFP, majorly ENFP. I don't know why, but the online descriptions don't resonate all that much and it just feels off. Same goes for INFP, it's just not me (I think, but maybe I'm just reluctant to admit I might be an introvert, because we've all been taught that being introverts is "wrong". I might have been brainwashed into thinking I'm an extrovert when I'm probably now, but who knows honestly...).
Then I also scored a lot as ENTP, and even INTP sometimes, but I don't know how much truth this holds because I remember those results are from a time where I was trying to convince myself that I'm a Thinker (probably because of the stereotypes "thinker=smart, feeler=dumb").
Lastly, I also scored as INFJ, maybe once.

Since I don't know what to say next, I'm going to answer to some questions and I'm gonna try to keep it short 'cause I'm sure none of you wants to read three paragraphs depicting a random guy's idea of a perfect Saturday night.

Here we go!

Section A: The Basics

If you had an entire day to do whatever you wanted, how would you spend it?
Now, if I could do anything without having to worry about anything, I'd probably call my closest friends and say "hey, why don't we go somewhere new?" We'd up and leave this town and just go. More realistically, I'd probably visit my best friend and we'd spend the whole day listening to music, playing the drums together, and maybe drawing/painting. Then I'd go back home and I'd work on my comic.

Describe your ideal day/night in.
I'd draw all day, maybe write a little, with some music in the background, maybe. Something chill, like dream-pop or DSBM.

Describe your ideal day/night out.
Once my friends and I spent almost an entire night roaming around a golf-camp with go-karts, then we blasted some music and listened to it while lying on the grass, looking at the stars. And I think I have never had as much fun as I did that night, it really is my ideal night out.

List five things you like about yourself.
I don't avoid conflict, especially in relationships, I'm always the one who puts it all out there. I think I'm more introspective and original than most. I'm a good listener and I actually keep secrets.

List five things you dislike about yourself.
I'M EXTREMELY LAZY, I'm too naive, I know I've said I'm "more original than most" but I'm not nearly as creative as I wish I were. I also wish I were colder and less easy to hurt. I don't think I'm very good at teamwork because I'm often scared to say dumb stuff that no one will agree with. Also, I don't pay attention to details, most of the time. Unless it's something I really care about, like my drawings (I get super meticulous when it comes to my drawings, even if I'm drawing cartoony stuff). Otherwise, I'm not really attentive (as a result, I hardly ever guess who's guilty in those mystery/horror/thriller stories)

How have others described you? (Please only use examples from people you have a neutral-positive relationship with, whether criticisms or compliments. Criticisms from people who dislike us and compliments from people who are infatuated with us tend not to hold much truth.)
Criticism: lazy, poor time-managing skills, absolutely 0 sport skills, bitchy, bossy, sometimes a little rude and sharp-tongued, apparently I look perpetually gloomy or pissed off(I just have a resting bitch face, it's not my fault if others have a guilty conscience and think that I'm mad at them), when I'm in an argument I manipulate the facts too much and I always make it look like I'm the victim (this was presented as criticism, but I think it's a skill if you ask me). Also, apparently I give off a sanctimonious, "holier-than-thou" attitude, which is ironic considering my problems with self-esteem. I think that they mistake my being relatively quiet, shy and reserved as a kind of "I'm better than you so I'm not going to talk to you" attitude... oh, and an ISTP told me several times that I'm "too, too emotional". I don't know how much truth that holds, because it was an ISTP talking. I did burst into tears in front of the whole class when I was in freshman year. Twice. In my defence, I can say that I was in a very bad situation in freshman year. Dark, dark times. I have to admit I used to be really emotional though. I'm better now though. (I think).
Compliments: "adorable and good-natured", apparently I give very good and rational advice, they say I seem to be the kind of person that listens because they genuinely care, apparently I'm sweet and thoughtful.

What motivates you?
I really want to move out and start a new life once I get to university. The thought of being able to have that second chance to completely change: personality, appearance, town, life... It's what keeps me going. The thought of being able to get rid of all the stuff that's going on my life now. I hate to admit this, but deep down, I'm an optimist. And an optimist of the worst kind, because all I do is believe, from the bottom of my heart, that one day everything will be alright. Just like that. On a rational level, I know I have to work hard to get happiness and stuff, but I can't help myself from daydreaming about that one day I'll wake up in a perfect world where everything works out for the best. "There is another world, there is a better world. Well, there must be"


Section B: Digging Deeper


Do you believe you have a purpose in life? If so, what is it?
Life itself has no purpose, at least to me. My own purpose is to make people feel better, by doing what I like to do: I really want to become a comic artist or a writer, and I hope that I'll be able to create stuff that people will relate to. I hope they'll read my comics and they'll feel in some way deeply understood and they'll relate to what I'm saying.

How do you typically bond with other people? (i.e. slowly or quickly, through what type of activities, etc.)
I either bond immediately with someone, or I never do. I've never experienced a slow-burn friendship or relationship. When I meet someone I like, we talk and tip-toe around each other timidly for a little while and then, when we find out just how much we have in common, it's like an explosion. I usually bond talking about my hobbies (music and art in general), and when we get closer I start to disclose my personal views about the world, "the deeper meaning" of some things, and we have these small, pseudo-philosophical conversations about life.

What do you find yourself thinking about most frequently?
I think the thing I fantasize about the most is "the moment I'll finally find the True Soulmate". I also daydream a lot about being a successful artist. Going around the world, giving interviews...

What are you most afraid of?
Being alone. Loneliness is a torture. Having a dull, monotonous life. Routine. I know routine is inevitable, and we all fall in some kind of routine, even rock stars fall in some kind of routine when you think about it, but I wish I could avoid it because repetitiveness is the one thing that kills me.

What traits do you admire in others?
I admire energetic, extroverted people. People who smile a lot and put you in a good mood even just by looking at you. Sincerity. The ability to take criticism without being crushed by it. Hard-skinned, "nothing-gets-to-me" people.

What traits annoy you in others?
Hm. You know those people that, no matter what you do, they'll never really be angry at you? I hate those. I'd pay to see them frown. I mean, I want to be like that, actually, and in some way I admire them. Still, they piss me off a little.
Oh! And those people who are just too closed off for you to get to know them. Those people that are always thinking about something but you can never guess what they're thinking about. I usually get some kind of sixth sense about people, and it makes it easier to read them, but those people are an impossible enigma. I hate when people aren't transparent and clear.

What do you want most for yourself?
I want to feel loved.
Wow, I can't believe I just said that.

What do you want most for others?
I want others to feel loved too. There's something that happened in my life, and it made me understand how important it is to feel understood by at least one or two people. Like, deeply understood. That kind of chemistry where you finish each other's sentences. I'd never wish upon anyone to feel like an outcast. Well, unless they wanted that. In that case, I would.


Section C: Interests and Values

What do you think the world needs more of?
More selfless people who care about what's right, we need more sincerity, we need to be able to trust each other and work toward something together.

What do you think the world needs less of?
Less greed and selfishness, probably. Less dishonesty, more than anything.

What is your favourite quote? What significance does it hold for you and why?
Honestly, just read the entirety of Joy Division's and The Smiths' discography.

I mean...

"Me in my own world, and you there beside
The gaps are enormous, we stare from each side
We were strangers for way too long"

As for The Smiths, we've got:

"There's a club if you'd like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you
So you go and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home and you cry and you want to die"

Yeah, this has happened to me more than once.

And arguably the best lyric I've ever read:
"For there are brighter sides to life
And I should know because I've seen them
But not very often"

or again

"I know it's over, and it never really began, but in my heart, it was so real"

And honestly, I just relate so so so so much to the lyrics of "There's A Light That Never Goes Out". Every sentence sounds like something I could have said. Only, Morrissey says it better. I mean, the guy might be an asshole, but boy he can write good lyrics. I wish I were as good as him.



Well. Thanks for making it till here. I'm not sure if I provided you with all the information you need, and if I didn't, that's questionnaire's fault, sorry.
But seriously, feel free to ask any questions if there's something you'd like to know to give a more precise answer.
Thanks in advance!

 

[Wunjo]

It's not about that thinkers are smart and feelers are dumb, you got it the wrong way.

Intuitives are smart and sensors are dumb.

Oh and typing, right.

ENFP. Your creative outlets suggested some kind of IxFP at first, but I haven't seen any Se or a dominant introverted function from you, the second one is due to the fact that I think a dominant introverted function makes you more comfortable in loneliness. I can definitely see Ne from your interactions from your friends, and Fi from what do you think that the world needs more, and less etc. You say that you are not attentive to detail, but when it comes to your artistic stuff, you are highly attuned to detail and quite meticulous, which hints tertriary Te to me. High avoidance of routine reeks of inferior Si, tert Si in INTP's and INFP's give them a more sentimental and wholesome perspective towards the routine, until that, I could suggest INFP as an alternative for you, but with that info I can see that you are definitely an ENFP.

I think your shyness in open groups is maybe because of the possibility that you're socially anxious and being socially anxious sometimes lead people to type themselves as introverts.

Your desire for recognition and your dislike towards loneliness helped me to pin down that you're an extrovert. As a footnote, online descriptions vary greatly, I think you should get into type theory more when it comes to MBTI and then find yourself an online website which you think that has the most coherent profile descriptions in accordance with your understanding of the theoretical nitty-gritty of the topic, since online descriptions can vary greatly from my observations, I think typing via cognitive functions can create a more solid ground for you.

 

[baroquerock]

It's not about that thinkers are smart and feelers are dumb, you got it the wrong way.

Heh, I've heard it said a lot around the internet, actually. But it's just a stereotype, obviously.
Well, I read about the "N vs S" discourse too, and... I do tend to view intuitives as "better", but it's because I'm an intuitive too (I don't think I stressed enough on all my daydreaming as a form of escapism from reality). So I'm biased.

I think your shyness in open groups is maybe because of the possibility that you're socially anxious and being socially anxious sometimes lead people to type themselves as introverts.

Yeah, I agree with this one.

As a footnote, online descriptions vary greatly, [...] I think typing via cognitive functions can create a more solid ground for you.

Oh, I know about the functions, and they're actually what let me to confusion. Given my constant need for validation, I thought I was a Fe user. I thought I cared way too much about what others think to be a Fi user. Also, sometimes I lie about what I believe is right/wrong just to agree with others, and I change my opinions depending on who I am with (this makes me sound like a shitty person, but lol). I mean, I have my own beliefs that never change, of course, it's what I say out loud that changes.

I don't know, can I be a Fi user if I'm not obsessed with principles all the time? :")

Also, how would Si in an INFP manifest? Just curious.

I can see that you are definitely an ENFP.

Well then! Thanks a lot! Especially for reading through all that typo-filled rambling. And for giving such a clear and doubtless answer.