Okay, bud! You're in the ring! Go! Go! Go!
Ehem.
Hi there. Feel free not to read everything and only what you require. I'll answer any questions you need.
Well, this time I'm going to make sure I make this information presented well. The beliefs and motivations I had before were true — but my style of writing then was that friendly excitable persona I had around school. There's the gentle responsible persona. The blunt stoic. The professional and wise person. And many many many other ones.
It's better I go with the personality in my head this time— I've made the mistake of not realizing that this site's whole purpose requires the person to expose their unfiltered self.. What's that? — Why shouldn't I be my "real self" more? I could give less of a damn how I come across than the accuracy of what I say.
Good luck typing me kind passerby.
Main Questions
1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
A challenging problem to solve. Not just small time problems — but the type of problem that takes months and even years to solve. Problems like this usually include lifelong needed skills and goals for society's sake. The second I do mostly because it sounds like the most intellectually complex yet open ended thing I can do and second, I really do care about people.
It wasn't like that for most of my life — picking long term goals seemed too much of a commitment. I just wanted to learn stuff because I was curious. Recently along the way — and I mean just a couple months ago — it seemed meaningless to learn only for myself.
2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
Just in the start of this year — I'd tell you I'd want to learn the greatest variety of things that I can. Explore every perspective and every worldview. I'd tell you I want admiration and fame and praise.
But now the thing I want to accomplish most aren't those — but to solve things for something bigger than myself. Less because I gave a damn about people than did I understand how advantageous it is for my mental health back then to have a purpose like that — the need for admiration just won't last in the long term and this acts as a better alternative purpose. So I researched to develop genuine feelings for this purpose and so I did.
3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
What I want to avoid most is intellectual arrogance — I seek a worldview without rigid beliefs. A constant questioning of assumptions and paradigms. I want to think beyond the perspective of our time by thinking even beyond those who already think beyond our time. To not only ask if something is true but to ask also what makes something true. And to do whatever I can . . . to share this truth.
4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
To be left out. When I was depressed, I isolated myself to an incredible loneliness to ponder on how to solve it all. I'm still somewhat traumatized by the loneliness I felt and at times, it feels like I could lose the the sense of belonging I gained at any time.
To not know enough. Not know enough to solve whatever life's obstacles are. Not know enough to contribute. Not know enough so I can feel proud of myself. Not know enough to know how to be happy.
5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
How do I want others to see me? Depends on what persona I can take they require or wish of me really. I adapt — a lot. Unless it has to do with protecting my solitary research time — no one messes with my solitary research time. Especially when I take on louder personas that use up my energy.
How do I see myself? Nothing specific really. It's well — a very flexible kind of image. It's highly convenient to do so — I won't get attached to seeing myself a certain way in a way that hurts my ego and pride. Like how others can get too attached to being beautiful, smart, athethic and the like that they hate themselves at the slightest sign they're not. Priding on an identity seems rather useless to me and I try not to. Not that I'm not aware of who I am and what I want — only that I don't get stuck into rigid ideas even when its proved wrong.
But often it's somewhere both knowledgeable yet someone who knows so little. Having an intense drive towards goals yet done in an incredibly patient and relaxed manner.
6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
I feel my best in peaceful quiet places — more energized somehow. When I'm deep in thought and reflection. Or maybe I'm not thinking of much and relaxing in the simplicity of silence. On a lesser extent, quirky jokes. Dem quirky jokes.
I feel my worst when I get too busy with action and don't have time to reflect. So much precious time for knowledge being wasted. What happened and changed these past days or even month? Any mistakes, problems and opportunities? What are the options of what to do next?
7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
a) Mostly I just hold it in when I'm angry at someone. I've somehow mastered the art of not caring to get angry in the first place though — easier that way. I've managed it well but at times, I get angry at myself thanks to some really high standards.
b) Not that I'd admit it — but occasionally I have this illogical need to be admired. Intelligence. Hard work. Compassion. Wisdom. I have a certain sensitivity to being called arrogant and feel the most shame around it— mostly because I find lack of intellectual humility the most illogical thing to do in analysis.
c) Oh I have different anxiety tools for different fears and situations — mostly because many times when getting anxious, I obsessively research how to deal with anxiety. I had a really anxious time in my life once — so I mostly isolated myself, reverse engineered mental health science and made my own theories on it.
8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
a) I'm mostly familiar with the stress of working too hard. So I just get myself to relax — mostly read something light, binge watch some shows mindlessly or have some mentally lighter talk with someone. Mostly it's because it's my brain that's the one that's most tired. If I'm physically tired from all the work — I just take naps.
b) I deal with the emotions first so I can think clearly — using the tools I had in my research for events like this. Next I research it, analyze the problem itself and think of multiple ideas for solutions. Then I act on it with my gut instinct. As I go, I feedback myself to tweak incorrect details and find more ways to speed things up.
c) If it's unimportant — I'll just agree with them and act laidback. If it's important — I point it out. Though — the second one I had to practice doing before. Lots . . . and lots of practice. I prefer dealing with conflict in the most mature and polite manner possible or in an easygoing and friendly teasing way — if that's what they prefer. Not that I'm always so perfectly calm — but I try my best to. I tend to sound more serious and firm once I keep talking to them calmly yet they're still crossing the line though.
9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?
a) I guess I'll just follow what they say. I can offer doubts, ideas, reflections and analysis but I make others do the decision making in groups. Eh — not much interest in influencing unless I'm online discussing some debate or issue. That's because I prefer hiding certain sides of me depending on the group.
b) Usually, I ask guide questions when I'm the leader. Giving them possible options on what they can do and suggestions. I take time to remind them to follow through gently. Even as a leader — I don't seem to do much of the decision making. Besides, I prefer much of my contributions to a group done working alone.
10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
Life is a complex problem to understand and solve. It has elements, interrelationships and different purposes. Each event in it has factors that allowed it to happen that I want to understand. There are different feedback cycles and different categories of things to understand. A life without the unknown of something new and complex to learn would be such a boring life.
I view humanity similarly. Though thanks to the efforts of my research, I do like a lot of them. But I prefer to show how I like them at a distance — mostly problem solving and explaining things. Plan B for that purpose involves quirky jokes and adapting.
Optional Questions
11. Discuss an event that has impacted your life significantly; more importantly, how you responded to it.
Once in my life as a preteen: I asked myself why I lived my life. And I realized it wasn't for the school, college, marriage and retirement type of life. I wanted to learn for the sake of learning. And I realized that was part of why I was depressed — I didn't live according to that. I dreamed of a life where I didn't just learn because I wanted to be praised for my smarts.
12. Comment on your relationship with trust.
Some sides of me I find easier to show than others — the friendlier and quirkier side. The more gentle, laidback and easily amazed side. In my head, I can be more cautious and logically ruthless. The more calculated, ambitious and incredibly determined bastard. When people get close to me — they see a mix of that — often as a deeply disciplined intellectual person often speaking with a firm — almost blunt (and sometimes is) — gentleness and quiet silly humor.
I rarely really lie about myself then I do hide, emphasize, or underrepresent already existing sides of me. For example, I can't really use more aggressive words in an aggressive environment — like a bunch of people bluntly criticizing a terrible movie — mostly because I can't find much aggression in myself.
13. List some of the traits you: a) like; b) dislike most about yourself.
a) I put 100% effort in projects. You know, as long as I can do about 2-4 life projects at a time while having a collection of 3-5 different books on different topics with some time surfing the Internet randomly. But hey! I follow through with them — the life projects part at least. I like that I spontaneously just do them — no schedules and only a list of options — I act on and follow through because I intristically enjoy doing them.
b) I dislike my need to be neurotically accepted by a community at times. If I'm planning all these ambitious goals, then somewhere along the way, that'd be a disadvantage. The strategy of all this has to do with a strength I had as a kid — questioning the truth of things — and if I happened to go against something in the status quo in the future yet still desired to have fuzzy feelings of acceptance by even my critics then. . . that just might end up as my fatal flaw.
14. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
I notice similarities between people. For someone with a pretty random set of interests, I get exposed to all types of different people on the internet. There are self decaprication humor casual watchers, those science atheist types, dramatic musical threatre lovers, formal and respectful political debaters and so on. Really awkward to discuss information with them without adapting to this to some extent first though I prefer mostly to be an outside observer.
I think of society as the flow of information and ideas between people — observing what type of attitude ideas are shared with, what unwritten common ideas and beliefs people share, what information other people know that I don't and what I know that they don't. You can say that my deepest purpose in life — is to learn from and share what I can to this flow.
15. If a stranger insults you, how do you respond/feel? What if they compliment you?
Insult on arrogance or pride : Fuck. What if I'm making irrational assumptions here? Double check. Double check. Double check. Double check. Double check. x15 times. Fuck that bastard. Fuck him/her. Then I use the research I have in dealing with anger, of course. You see, I'm sensitive to this not only because arrogance means my information is likely inaccurate but because it also suggests that how lacking in credibility the knowledge I share to others is — what a fucking embarrassment. Any other insult : Meh.
Compliment : What I say : Wow, thanks! What I think : Hehehehehheheheheheheheheh. Superego : You can enjoy that compliment — just don't let it get to your head that you're more than you think. Too much pride is a disadvantage.
16. What's something you are: a) thankful you have; b) wish you could have? Why?
a) When I was depressed, I came across the idea of a gratitude journal. Every time I took time to be grateful for life — the first thing I remembered was the miracle of being able to learn and the vast wonder of the unknown. Even if I felt like crap the whole day — this was I thought. . . why I kept living on.
b) I wish I knew how to influence damn well. Socially — I often just adapt, not direct. Before I've always lacked confidence to lead because I always thought I didn't know enough — but now I believe I do. I didn't care for the concept my entire life and I'm not sure if it's possible — but I want power. A more quiet and reflective yet firm type of power.
For some reason, I get the sense that persuasion with only logic is limited — emotionally, there's something more. It's not a final choice yet but I'm beginning to think . . . it would be an absolutely fascinating problem to solve.
Ehem.
Hi there. Feel free not to read everything and only what you require. I'll answer any questions you need.
Well, this time I'm going to make sure I make this information presented well. The beliefs and motivations I had before were true — but my style of writing then was that friendly excitable persona I had around school. There's the gentle responsible persona. The blunt stoic. The professional and wise person. And many many many other ones.
It's better I go with the personality in my head this time— I've made the mistake of not realizing that this site's whole purpose requires the person to expose their unfiltered self.. What's that? — Why shouldn't I be my "real self" more? I could give less of a damn how I come across than the accuracy of what I say.
Good luck typing me kind passerby.
Main Questions
1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
A challenging problem to solve. Not just small time problems — but the type of problem that takes months and even years to solve. Problems like this usually include lifelong needed skills and goals for society's sake. The second I do mostly because it sounds like the most intellectually complex yet open ended thing I can do and second, I really do care about people.
It wasn't like that for most of my life — picking long term goals seemed too much of a commitment. I just wanted to learn stuff because I was curious. Recently along the way — and I mean just a couple months ago — it seemed meaningless to learn only for myself.
2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
Just in the start of this year — I'd tell you I'd want to learn the greatest variety of things that I can. Explore every perspective and every worldview. I'd tell you I want admiration and fame and praise.
But now the thing I want to accomplish most aren't those — but to solve things for something bigger than myself. Less because I gave a damn about people than did I understand how advantageous it is for my mental health back then to have a purpose like that — the need for admiration just won't last in the long term and this acts as a better alternative purpose. So I researched to develop genuine feelings for this purpose and so I did.
3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
What I want to avoid most is intellectual arrogance — I seek a worldview without rigid beliefs. A constant questioning of assumptions and paradigms. I want to think beyond the perspective of our time by thinking even beyond those who already think beyond our time. To not only ask if something is true but to ask also what makes something true. And to do whatever I can . . . to share this truth.
4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
To be left out. When I was depressed, I isolated myself to an incredible loneliness to ponder on how to solve it all. I'm still somewhat traumatized by the loneliness I felt and at times, it feels like I could lose the the sense of belonging I gained at any time.
To not know enough. Not know enough to solve whatever life's obstacles are. Not know enough to contribute. Not know enough so I can feel proud of myself. Not know enough to know how to be happy.
5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
How do I want others to see me? Depends on what persona I can take they require or wish of me really. I adapt — a lot. Unless it has to do with protecting my solitary research time — no one messes with my solitary research time. Especially when I take on louder personas that use up my energy.
How do I see myself? Nothing specific really. It's well — a very flexible kind of image. It's highly convenient to do so — I won't get attached to seeing myself a certain way in a way that hurts my ego and pride. Like how others can get too attached to being beautiful, smart, athethic and the like that they hate themselves at the slightest sign they're not. Priding on an identity seems rather useless to me and I try not to. Not that I'm not aware of who I am and what I want — only that I don't get stuck into rigid ideas even when its proved wrong.
But often it's somewhere both knowledgeable yet someone who knows so little. Having an intense drive towards goals yet done in an incredibly patient and relaxed manner.
6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
I feel my best in peaceful quiet places — more energized somehow. When I'm deep in thought and reflection. Or maybe I'm not thinking of much and relaxing in the simplicity of silence. On a lesser extent, quirky jokes. Dem quirky jokes.
I feel my worst when I get too busy with action and don't have time to reflect. So much precious time for knowledge being wasted. What happened and changed these past days or even month? Any mistakes, problems and opportunities? What are the options of what to do next?
7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
a) Mostly I just hold it in when I'm angry at someone. I've somehow mastered the art of not caring to get angry in the first place though — easier that way. I've managed it well but at times, I get angry at myself thanks to some really high standards.
b) Not that I'd admit it — but occasionally I have this illogical need to be admired. Intelligence. Hard work. Compassion. Wisdom. I have a certain sensitivity to being called arrogant and feel the most shame around it— mostly because I find lack of intellectual humility the most illogical thing to do in analysis.
c) Oh I have different anxiety tools for different fears and situations — mostly because many times when getting anxious, I obsessively research how to deal with anxiety. I had a really anxious time in my life once — so I mostly isolated myself, reverse engineered mental health science and made my own theories on it.
8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
a) I'm mostly familiar with the stress of working too hard. So I just get myself to relax — mostly read something light, binge watch some shows mindlessly or have some mentally lighter talk with someone. Mostly it's because it's my brain that's the one that's most tired. If I'm physically tired from all the work — I just take naps.
b) I deal with the emotions first so I can think clearly — using the tools I had in my research for events like this. Next I research it, analyze the problem itself and think of multiple ideas for solutions. Then I act on it with my gut instinct. As I go, I feedback myself to tweak incorrect details and find more ways to speed things up.
c) If it's unimportant — I'll just agree with them and act laidback. If it's important — I point it out. Though — the second one I had to practice doing before. Lots . . . and lots of practice. I prefer dealing with conflict in the most mature and polite manner possible or in an easygoing and friendly teasing way — if that's what they prefer. Not that I'm always so perfectly calm — but I try my best to. I tend to sound more serious and firm once I keep talking to them calmly yet they're still crossing the line though.
9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?
a) I guess I'll just follow what they say. I can offer doubts, ideas, reflections and analysis but I make others do the decision making in groups. Eh — not much interest in influencing unless I'm online discussing some debate or issue. That's because I prefer hiding certain sides of me depending on the group.
b) Usually, I ask guide questions when I'm the leader. Giving them possible options on what they can do and suggestions. I take time to remind them to follow through gently. Even as a leader — I don't seem to do much of the decision making. Besides, I prefer much of my contributions to a group done working alone.
10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
Life is a complex problem to understand and solve. It has elements, interrelationships and different purposes. Each event in it has factors that allowed it to happen that I want to understand. There are different feedback cycles and different categories of things to understand. A life without the unknown of something new and complex to learn would be such a boring life.
I view humanity similarly. Though thanks to the efforts of my research, I do like a lot of them. But I prefer to show how I like them at a distance — mostly problem solving and explaining things. Plan B for that purpose involves quirky jokes and adapting.
Optional Questions
11. Discuss an event that has impacted your life significantly; more importantly, how you responded to it.
Once in my life as a preteen: I asked myself why I lived my life. And I realized it wasn't for the school, college, marriage and retirement type of life. I wanted to learn for the sake of learning. And I realized that was part of why I was depressed — I didn't live according to that. I dreamed of a life where I didn't just learn because I wanted to be praised for my smarts.
12. Comment on your relationship with trust.
Some sides of me I find easier to show than others — the friendlier and quirkier side. The more gentle, laidback and easily amazed side. In my head, I can be more cautious and logically ruthless. The more calculated, ambitious and incredibly determined bastard. When people get close to me — they see a mix of that — often as a deeply disciplined intellectual person often speaking with a firm — almost blunt (and sometimes is) — gentleness and quiet silly humor.
I rarely really lie about myself then I do hide, emphasize, or underrepresent already existing sides of me. For example, I can't really use more aggressive words in an aggressive environment — like a bunch of people bluntly criticizing a terrible movie — mostly because I can't find much aggression in myself.
13. List some of the traits you: a) like; b) dislike most about yourself.
a) I put 100% effort in projects. You know, as long as I can do about 2-4 life projects at a time while having a collection of 3-5 different books on different topics with some time surfing the Internet randomly. But hey! I follow through with them — the life projects part at least. I like that I spontaneously just do them — no schedules and only a list of options — I act on and follow through because I intristically enjoy doing them.
b) I dislike my need to be neurotically accepted by a community at times. If I'm planning all these ambitious goals, then somewhere along the way, that'd be a disadvantage. The strategy of all this has to do with a strength I had as a kid — questioning the truth of things — and if I happened to go against something in the status quo in the future yet still desired to have fuzzy feelings of acceptance by even my critics then. . . that just might end up as my fatal flaw.
14. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
I notice similarities between people. For someone with a pretty random set of interests, I get exposed to all types of different people on the internet. There are self decaprication humor casual watchers, those science atheist types, dramatic musical threatre lovers, formal and respectful political debaters and so on. Really awkward to discuss information with them without adapting to this to some extent first though I prefer mostly to be an outside observer.
I think of society as the flow of information and ideas between people — observing what type of attitude ideas are shared with, what unwritten common ideas and beliefs people share, what information other people know that I don't and what I know that they don't. You can say that my deepest purpose in life — is to learn from and share what I can to this flow.
15. If a stranger insults you, how do you respond/feel? What if they compliment you?
Insult on arrogance or pride : Fuck. What if I'm making irrational assumptions here? Double check. Double check. Double check. Double check. Double check. x15 times. Fuck that bastard. Fuck him/her. Then I use the research I have in dealing with anger, of course. You see, I'm sensitive to this not only because arrogance means my information is likely inaccurate but because it also suggests that how lacking in credibility the knowledge I share to others is — what a fucking embarrassment. Any other insult : Meh.
Compliment : What I say : Wow, thanks! What I think : Hehehehehheheheheheheheheh. Superego : You can enjoy that compliment — just don't let it get to your head that you're more than you think. Too much pride is a disadvantage.
16. What's something you are: a) thankful you have; b) wish you could have? Why?
a) When I was depressed, I came across the idea of a gratitude journal. Every time I took time to be grateful for life — the first thing I remembered was the miracle of being able to learn and the vast wonder of the unknown. Even if I felt like crap the whole day — this was I thought. . . why I kept living on.
b) I wish I knew how to influence damn well. Socially — I often just adapt, not direct. Before I've always lacked confidence to lead because I always thought I didn't know enough — but now I believe I do. I didn't care for the concept my entire life and I'm not sure if it's possible — but I want power. A more quiet and reflective yet firm type of power.
For some reason, I get the sense that persuasion with only logic is limited — emotionally, there's something more. It's not a final choice yet but I'm beginning to think . . . it would be an absolutely fascinating problem to solve.
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