Hi. New here. Male.

Basically the thread title. This is something I just wrote on my journal. This actually isn't something I would normally tell anyone but this is the internet and no one really knows who I am IRL.

Here goes:

So. I'm really getting fat now. Actually I didn't really notice fully that it was happening because I don't have a mirror at home. If I saw myself everyday I would have noticed how I was getting bigger.

I'm planning to start dieting soon. Actually now. I have to make my own meals and stop buying from outside. Excercise? That would be tough. I get home tired everytime. And that's because I didn't get enough sleep the previous day. I wonder if I should do it after I wake up. They say exercise helps you stay alert throughout the whole day so that should be a great thing to practice.

I want to be as skinny as I was when I was younger, four or five years ago. But how to get motivated to do it? I don't have discipline. I have actually started dieting many times and failed a week or two into it. How do I change that?

I'm about to turn 22 this month. I hate it. I'm getting older and I haven't changed a bit. I'm still as lazy, undetermined, inconsistent, and unambitious. I really find it hard to change. I don't want to get old like this. I want to be successful. I don't actually dream of great things. I just wanna be able to support myself without having to worry about anything. I guess that's a little selfish, though. I too have to think about my family.

I don't know why I don't think about them that much. I don't miss them. I don't miss anyone. I'm just happy being with myself. I was able to buy myself a decent gaming PC. I have decent internet. And I feel just happy and contented, as it was all I could really ask for in my life.

The problem is that I haven't prepared for anything bad or urgent that could happen. What if I get sick or injured? I didn't save money for that. What if my dad gets sick? What if my brothers need my financial help for their studies? I will not be able to provide anything.

The thing is I don't really care about them, to be honest. I'm only concerned about it because I'm their family, and I'm expected to care. I don't really believe in that kind of stuff. I believe I should only look out for myself, and they should look out for themselves. But I don't really have any choice. It's part of the culture to give back to your parents, and I don't want to be seen as a prick.

I should be able to lend a hand everytime they need help. Dad already borrowed more than 16k from me. But I don't expect to get it back. I'm not going to ask for it. It's actually a very trivial amount compared to all the things my parents provided me growing up. And I'm bound to reciprocate. When I was born, it was their duty to support me. I didn't really have a fun life, but it wasn't bad either. It was a normal one. At least until my mother died.

My dad was the only one to support us then. I wasn't happy, because he couldn't support us very well. I hated that I couldn't pay for my rent, I hated that I couldn't eat three times a day. Those were my feelings. I felt they were justified because I thought it was my dad's fault. When he was an employee, he had consistent income coming in. But of course no one wants to stay an employee. He had these ambitions and dreams. He wanted to get rich quick and started joining multi-level marketing companies. Of course MLMs are bullshit. But I didn't want to tell him that. It was partly my fault in a way.

He jumped from one networking company to another. And until now he still isn't successful. The last time he borrowed money from me, it was for a business and part of it was using a device that could apparently detect diseases. He was joining one bullshit after another. And he didn't know it. He keeps falling for these scams. And I never called him out. I couldn't tell him my thoughts. And I got sick of depending on him.

But the truth is, I also don't know his story. I don't know the details. So I don't have any right to judge. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong. He also had it tough, and I was also being a selfish prick. I admit that. It's reality. It's life. Not everything goes the way you want it to. If you depend on others to make your life better, you're a piece of trash. And I was a piece of trash. I kept complaining why my life wasn't better, why my dad didn't do this and do that.

I still don't really care or have any feelings for him. I just understand, on an intellectual level, that I should stop blaming him or anyone for how my life was, because I didn't know anything. My life was up to me. So even though I haven't finished college, I got a job so I could stop depending on him, so I could free him some of the burden he has, and so I could look out for myself from now on.

Whatever happens to me now is up to me. I still haven't become the achiever that I wanted myself to be. I hate that that I feel contented with what I have now. I need to save up so I could go back to school and finish my degree. I don't want to be stuck.

That's it! Let me know if you have follow-up questions I also have my thoughts about my type. I don't really read my journal and I actually just started writing them but when I did re-read, I realized I may not be the type I thought I was. Idk what are your thoughts?