alienateme
New member
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2017
- Messages
- 3
- Instinctual Variant
- sp
Any disorders or conditions we should know about?
None that I'm aware of. In a rut of sorts, emotionally, I believe it should be helpful, considering how the enneagram deals with extremes. I'm like... the concept of quantum superposition and observational dependency, not really in a specific state, only constant is the liminality itself.
1. What do you think your life is about? What drives you in life? This can be something like a goal or a purpose, or anything else that comes to mind.
I don't quite know the point of my existence. The ultimate purpose, I somehow feel as if everyone was born with one except myself, it could possibly be due to a deeper issue of childhood devaluation. I've tried, years, attempting to learn as much as I could, picking up as many perspectives as possible, then dissecting them and selectively choosing the one that works for me.. The search for meaning, in my opinion is rather.. meaningless. I've grown sick of the concept of 'goals', the ultimate end, the final one. Seems as if nothing will ever end, and if it does end, it's because we want it to, there is something beautiful about the impermanence. Nothing really drives me, generally unsatisfied with life. I'm a man with little experiences.
As for personal goals, I'm interested in getting my ideas out there, and until I find a reason to or feel confident enough to, I'll just keep it to myself. I am looking into Affective Computing, there is a vision there, but considering my impracticality, I got a strong feeling that I'd be alone on this one, actually motivates me to learn more.
2. What were you like as a kid?
Quiet. Had a lonely childhood, people were around, siblings. Just wasn't connected to them all, was told at the age of 4 that my mother's depression was brought on by me, observed a few fights and decided at 5 that I would become an astronaut to be close to beauty, and stay away from people. I did not do well in school, or at least I did for the first 5 years. Had ambitions that were not practical, were subjective, holding importance to myself, alone. No one really understood, no one really wanted to, and I was alright with that. I hated intrusions, still do. I read a lot simply because I felt superior in my ability to understand as compared to the people around me, above them all, overwatching everything. At the same time, I was melancholic. I didn't want anyone with me, was independent, yet I wanted some one, a concept of ultimate... love? Grew attached to wanting something as special as that. Realized that it could only exist in my head. Even now I struggle with wanting someone, and at the same time, feeling completely disgusted by the concept of belonging and intimacy. I stay away from relationships because I think I'd neglect the one I have, while I have them, and will only want them when they leave. Had random spikes of energy, curious, and experimental. Wasn't a good student, yet was not disruptive.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents. Does anything stand out about the way you interacted?
They mean well I think. I am rather unaware of that. My father's always pushing me and forcing me to do things according to his will, his conditions. I know why he's doing that, he sees it as a form of self improvement, however his means, aren't very well thought out. He is an ETJ of sorts, I can imagine leaning a lot from him in terms of work ethics, and I did pick up quite a bit, however, he generally seems too controlling and forceful. He has rage issues but is rather secluded in general, believes strongly in his personal convictions. He complains about my incompetence in the social scene and my lack of results, cares only about academics and future survival. I listen to him, but I don't share my thoughts with him. My feelings are inexistent when I'm around him, however he always tends to ask me on how I feel.. I don't quite enjoy responding to that. He is rather condescending and I struggle quite a bit with opening up. He promotes introjection.
My mother was depressed for years, she is still improving. She tries to show me that she cares, but I've overgrown it. From a detached standpoint I feel rather sad for her. I don't wish to say much about her.
Everything stands out. They expect me to morph myself into their version of me. I just can't do that. I'm nothing like them, which only makes matters worse.
4. What values are important to you? What do you hope to avoid doing or being?
I don't know what I really value. I value beauty, from the pureness of mathematics to the aesthetics of the female form. Yes that generally.. is what I value. It includes knowledge, beautiful concepts, extreme morbidity, ugliness, beautifully constructed thoughts. It is subjective, but that's just how I see it. I ultimately wish to create something of beauty, through scientific means.
5. Aside from phobias, are there any fears that characterized your childhood? Have they continued into the present day, or not, and if not, how have you dealt with them?
No real phobias, just paranoia about intrusions, lack of trust for the outside world. I only trust myself, and that is one of the reasons why I stand out. I don't really face any doubts. Sometimes my imagination seeps into reality, leaving me in a state of numbness. That fear of intrusion have existed since young. Alongside identity issues, however they seem rather tied together.
6. a.) How do you see yourself?
I only know how to be myself, so I lack the means to compare myself with others.. other than how unlike them I am. I don't really know how I see myself. My self-awareness doesn't produce a big picture. Its all jigsaw pieces and some of the pieces are missing. I think I can only answer this question when time ends.
b.) How do you want others to see you?
I don't really care how others see me, we are all slaves to our perception, whatever is right to you could be wrong to me. It doesn't matter in the big picture. I wish to be seen as someone who changes the way people perceive meaning and.. I wish to be seen as a complete/perfect human.. Which is impossible. I wish to be seen as someone with the answers, or at least on the path towards it.
c.) What do you dislike the most in other people?
Superficialities, their complains, their unnatural trust in data and everything external; religion included. I don't trust the data more than my perception of it. There is no such thing as clean data.. I don't look beyond myself for stability, for something to believe in, I don't react much, I don't need the things they need, I own less, I travel light, I am not like them. They are confused. I have seen the problem and am seeking the answers. The answer will remain subjective,lying in the human condition, until I have found a way to bring it into reality, or at least express that concept in a rather detached manner, considering how I can't relate to their experiences.
7. Which habit do you most automatically act on? Rank the following habits from most to least automatic, on a scale of 1 (most) to 3 (least).
a.) Work for personal gain with more concern for self than for others.
b.) Strive for a sense of tranquility in yourself and the world around you
c.) Decide what is right for the betterment of something or someone else.
a) 1, I wouldn't say personal gain, but I value myself more than others.
b) 2
c) 2
8. Where does the wandering mind take you? What provokes this?
Somewhere.. inexistent in reality. It is rather abstract, and emotional. I experience my emotions on a mental level. When they seep into me, I tend to not know how to deal with them, which is why I have an interest in affective computing. I am trying to blend them with my thoughts, which are ultimately fueled by them. It is rather personal and I will only go into detail if necessary.
9.What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
I forgot what I meant to feel my... best. For now, I just am. I guess individualism and resources would allow me to reach my best.
I seek answers but the answers at times, the nature of them, really send me to the depths of my self. The environment affects me at times, I tend to live off in my head due to that, however when I do get overstimulated, I tend to start feeling more than I can, and isolate myself. Not knowing, both my self, and the subject really affects me.
10. Let's talk about emotions. Explain what might make you feel the following, how they feel to you or how you react to the emotion:
a.) anger
b.) shame
c.) anxiety
So, It finally happens.. I have a tendency to intellectualize my emotions. I do feel them, but when they get too intense and overwhelming, I isolate myself.
a) I feel angry, when things don't go the way I want them to, sometimes even raging when my privacy is disrupted. It's purely mental. I regain clarity to move past the situation but when I am alone, the anger turns to helplessness and brings about a sadness of sorts.
b) I don't quite feel shame, considering how I don't see myself as capable of being compared to others. I do sometimes, get confused and rather frustrated about why I fail to experience the world the way they do, how meaningless their happiness is, superficiality, and seem to be somebody, whereas I just, am.
c) Anxiety.. I experience it, but its not the normal kind of social anxiety of sorts. I really don't care how others perceive me. The anxiety comes about when I am unaware of what to do. When I can't answer something. I don't have anxiety for the future. I don't react due to my anxiety. I face it by figuring out what it is I'm anxious about, and proceed to learn more about it, as disgusting as it may seem.
11. Describe how you respond to the following:
a.) stress
b.) negative unexpected change
c.) conflict
a) I isolate myself from the world. I will have to sort through my feelings then proceed to focus on the problem at hand. Sometimes, it takes days. I let go by doing things I don't normally do.
b) Like I said there is something beautiful about change.. Something its bound by, some sort of framework. I like the change, be it positive or negative. I remain clear about my approach and don't usually react to it. Unless the change involves another person or is brought about by them.. That would be a different story.
c) Conflict is meaningless. There is no truth to it, It's simply done as a means of emotional regulation. The war between the ego and the mind, the whole destruction of it, meaningless. It includes rejecting the parts of the self they dislike and moving on by distracting themselves or projecting.
12. a.) What kind of role are you naturally inclined to take in a group? Why?
b.) If put in power, how do you behave? Why?
c.) Do you tend to struggle with others who have authority over you? Why?
a) The one overseeing the project? The one who knows the theory and the people. That way I can sort them out according to their strengths, to produce something of quality. I'm usually the guy they come to for emotional help, help with the problem at hand, and sometimes, just random theoretical conversations.
b) I tend to be rather careful. I don't wish to harm others, nor control them. It would however, allow me to act and not remain passive, and give me some time alone. Why? Well.. It does not seem necessary to test out the degree of power. Power by itself is an illusion and when it does have meaning, it is only in reference to the being who gave it that meaning.
c) I tend to struggle if they lack order and clarity, which mostly occurs. I hate being told what to do by someone who isn't clear about the process and end.
13. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
Their fear, irrationality, their emotions, their ... I notice nearly everything. I form conclusions alone, its a means of getting around. I look for both the good and the bad. Then I look beyond that.
14. Comment on your relationship with trust.
I stated before, I trust myself.. wait I'll just copy&paste it here:
lack of trust for the outside world. I only trust myself, and that is one of the reasons why I stand out.
I think people tend to seek some sort of structure, information included to feel stable, but if material by itself is meaningless and considering how everything will eventually become a residue of time, placing trust in the external, would just lead to you having the same issues when it eventually disappears. You will not have faced the core issues, rather, substitute it.
15. Briefly: What religious and/or political beliefs do you have? Do you think they influenced your responses in this questionnaire?
None.
I would appreciate responses. Thank you.
Didn't get many responses from the other site, thought here would be more reliable..
None that I'm aware of. In a rut of sorts, emotionally, I believe it should be helpful, considering how the enneagram deals with extremes. I'm like... the concept of quantum superposition and observational dependency, not really in a specific state, only constant is the liminality itself.
1. What do you think your life is about? What drives you in life? This can be something like a goal or a purpose, or anything else that comes to mind.
I don't quite know the point of my existence. The ultimate purpose, I somehow feel as if everyone was born with one except myself, it could possibly be due to a deeper issue of childhood devaluation. I've tried, years, attempting to learn as much as I could, picking up as many perspectives as possible, then dissecting them and selectively choosing the one that works for me.. The search for meaning, in my opinion is rather.. meaningless. I've grown sick of the concept of 'goals', the ultimate end, the final one. Seems as if nothing will ever end, and if it does end, it's because we want it to, there is something beautiful about the impermanence. Nothing really drives me, generally unsatisfied with life. I'm a man with little experiences.
As for personal goals, I'm interested in getting my ideas out there, and until I find a reason to or feel confident enough to, I'll just keep it to myself. I am looking into Affective Computing, there is a vision there, but considering my impracticality, I got a strong feeling that I'd be alone on this one, actually motivates me to learn more.
2. What were you like as a kid?
Quiet. Had a lonely childhood, people were around, siblings. Just wasn't connected to them all, was told at the age of 4 that my mother's depression was brought on by me, observed a few fights and decided at 5 that I would become an astronaut to be close to beauty, and stay away from people. I did not do well in school, or at least I did for the first 5 years. Had ambitions that were not practical, were subjective, holding importance to myself, alone. No one really understood, no one really wanted to, and I was alright with that. I hated intrusions, still do. I read a lot simply because I felt superior in my ability to understand as compared to the people around me, above them all, overwatching everything. At the same time, I was melancholic. I didn't want anyone with me, was independent, yet I wanted some one, a concept of ultimate... love? Grew attached to wanting something as special as that. Realized that it could only exist in my head. Even now I struggle with wanting someone, and at the same time, feeling completely disgusted by the concept of belonging and intimacy. I stay away from relationships because I think I'd neglect the one I have, while I have them, and will only want them when they leave. Had random spikes of energy, curious, and experimental. Wasn't a good student, yet was not disruptive.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents. Does anything stand out about the way you interacted?
They mean well I think. I am rather unaware of that. My father's always pushing me and forcing me to do things according to his will, his conditions. I know why he's doing that, he sees it as a form of self improvement, however his means, aren't very well thought out. He is an ETJ of sorts, I can imagine leaning a lot from him in terms of work ethics, and I did pick up quite a bit, however, he generally seems too controlling and forceful. He has rage issues but is rather secluded in general, believes strongly in his personal convictions. He complains about my incompetence in the social scene and my lack of results, cares only about academics and future survival. I listen to him, but I don't share my thoughts with him. My feelings are inexistent when I'm around him, however he always tends to ask me on how I feel.. I don't quite enjoy responding to that. He is rather condescending and I struggle quite a bit with opening up. He promotes introjection.
My mother was depressed for years, she is still improving. She tries to show me that she cares, but I've overgrown it. From a detached standpoint I feel rather sad for her. I don't wish to say much about her.
Everything stands out. They expect me to morph myself into their version of me. I just can't do that. I'm nothing like them, which only makes matters worse.
4. What values are important to you? What do you hope to avoid doing or being?
I don't know what I really value. I value beauty, from the pureness of mathematics to the aesthetics of the female form. Yes that generally.. is what I value. It includes knowledge, beautiful concepts, extreme morbidity, ugliness, beautifully constructed thoughts. It is subjective, but that's just how I see it. I ultimately wish to create something of beauty, through scientific means.
5. Aside from phobias, are there any fears that characterized your childhood? Have they continued into the present day, or not, and if not, how have you dealt with them?
No real phobias, just paranoia about intrusions, lack of trust for the outside world. I only trust myself, and that is one of the reasons why I stand out. I don't really face any doubts. Sometimes my imagination seeps into reality, leaving me in a state of numbness. That fear of intrusion have existed since young. Alongside identity issues, however they seem rather tied together.
6. a.) How do you see yourself?
I only know how to be myself, so I lack the means to compare myself with others.. other than how unlike them I am. I don't really know how I see myself. My self-awareness doesn't produce a big picture. Its all jigsaw pieces and some of the pieces are missing. I think I can only answer this question when time ends.
b.) How do you want others to see you?
I don't really care how others see me, we are all slaves to our perception, whatever is right to you could be wrong to me. It doesn't matter in the big picture. I wish to be seen as someone who changes the way people perceive meaning and.. I wish to be seen as a complete/perfect human.. Which is impossible. I wish to be seen as someone with the answers, or at least on the path towards it.
c.) What do you dislike the most in other people?
Superficialities, their complains, their unnatural trust in data and everything external; religion included. I don't trust the data more than my perception of it. There is no such thing as clean data.. I don't look beyond myself for stability, for something to believe in, I don't react much, I don't need the things they need, I own less, I travel light, I am not like them. They are confused. I have seen the problem and am seeking the answers. The answer will remain subjective,lying in the human condition, until I have found a way to bring it into reality, or at least express that concept in a rather detached manner, considering how I can't relate to their experiences.
7. Which habit do you most automatically act on? Rank the following habits from most to least automatic, on a scale of 1 (most) to 3 (least).
a.) Work for personal gain with more concern for self than for others.
b.) Strive for a sense of tranquility in yourself and the world around you
c.) Decide what is right for the betterment of something or someone else.
a) 1, I wouldn't say personal gain, but I value myself more than others.
b) 2
c) 2
8. Where does the wandering mind take you? What provokes this?
Somewhere.. inexistent in reality. It is rather abstract, and emotional. I experience my emotions on a mental level. When they seep into me, I tend to not know how to deal with them, which is why I have an interest in affective computing. I am trying to blend them with my thoughts, which are ultimately fueled by them. It is rather personal and I will only go into detail if necessary.
9.What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
I forgot what I meant to feel my... best. For now, I just am. I guess individualism and resources would allow me to reach my best.
I seek answers but the answers at times, the nature of them, really send me to the depths of my self. The environment affects me at times, I tend to live off in my head due to that, however when I do get overstimulated, I tend to start feeling more than I can, and isolate myself. Not knowing, both my self, and the subject really affects me.
10. Let's talk about emotions. Explain what might make you feel the following, how they feel to you or how you react to the emotion:
a.) anger
b.) shame
c.) anxiety
So, It finally happens.. I have a tendency to intellectualize my emotions. I do feel them, but when they get too intense and overwhelming, I isolate myself.
a) I feel angry, when things don't go the way I want them to, sometimes even raging when my privacy is disrupted. It's purely mental. I regain clarity to move past the situation but when I am alone, the anger turns to helplessness and brings about a sadness of sorts.
b) I don't quite feel shame, considering how I don't see myself as capable of being compared to others. I do sometimes, get confused and rather frustrated about why I fail to experience the world the way they do, how meaningless their happiness is, superficiality, and seem to be somebody, whereas I just, am.
c) Anxiety.. I experience it, but its not the normal kind of social anxiety of sorts. I really don't care how others perceive me. The anxiety comes about when I am unaware of what to do. When I can't answer something. I don't have anxiety for the future. I don't react due to my anxiety. I face it by figuring out what it is I'm anxious about, and proceed to learn more about it, as disgusting as it may seem.
11. Describe how you respond to the following:
a.) stress
b.) negative unexpected change
c.) conflict
a) I isolate myself from the world. I will have to sort through my feelings then proceed to focus on the problem at hand. Sometimes, it takes days. I let go by doing things I don't normally do.
b) Like I said there is something beautiful about change.. Something its bound by, some sort of framework. I like the change, be it positive or negative. I remain clear about my approach and don't usually react to it. Unless the change involves another person or is brought about by them.. That would be a different story.
c) Conflict is meaningless. There is no truth to it, It's simply done as a means of emotional regulation. The war between the ego and the mind, the whole destruction of it, meaningless. It includes rejecting the parts of the self they dislike and moving on by distracting themselves or projecting.
12. a.) What kind of role are you naturally inclined to take in a group? Why?
b.) If put in power, how do you behave? Why?
c.) Do you tend to struggle with others who have authority over you? Why?
a) The one overseeing the project? The one who knows the theory and the people. That way I can sort them out according to their strengths, to produce something of quality. I'm usually the guy they come to for emotional help, help with the problem at hand, and sometimes, just random theoretical conversations.
b) I tend to be rather careful. I don't wish to harm others, nor control them. It would however, allow me to act and not remain passive, and give me some time alone. Why? Well.. It does not seem necessary to test out the degree of power. Power by itself is an illusion and when it does have meaning, it is only in reference to the being who gave it that meaning.
c) I tend to struggle if they lack order and clarity, which mostly occurs. I hate being told what to do by someone who isn't clear about the process and end.
13. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
Their fear, irrationality, their emotions, their ... I notice nearly everything. I form conclusions alone, its a means of getting around. I look for both the good and the bad. Then I look beyond that.
14. Comment on your relationship with trust.
I stated before, I trust myself.. wait I'll just copy&paste it here:
lack of trust for the outside world. I only trust myself, and that is one of the reasons why I stand out.
I think people tend to seek some sort of structure, information included to feel stable, but if material by itself is meaningless and considering how everything will eventually become a residue of time, placing trust in the external, would just lead to you having the same issues when it eventually disappears. You will not have faced the core issues, rather, substitute it.
15. Briefly: What religious and/or political beliefs do you have? Do you think they influenced your responses in this questionnaire?
None.
I would appreciate responses. Thank you.
Didn't get many responses from the other site, thought here would be more reliable..
