sadisbeauty
New member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2017
- Messages
- 7
Hi all guys, i'm a 22 years old boy and i'm new to the forum, first of all i want to say my english is not so good and i will try to explain me as better as i can, you will probably find a lot of errors.
For me is very important to understand who i really am, i will try to describe me as better as i can.
Im pretty sure i have a Ne function, i always look behind things in more ways, this is why i think i cant understand my type, when i try to figure out who i am i always come to tons of paradoxes.
So the only thing i almost sure is about my Ne, implying this i think my type is one of INTP, INFP, ENFP.
In test i score as an INTP with a very high Fi and i really fit well in the intp description. (but not for the emotional part and i'm more interested in humanity)
Sorry but is really hard for me to organize a good speech in general, so in english is almost impossible, is cause i always forget thing and then remember them randomly by speaking of other thing that can be associated (ne)
(as you will see when i try to understand who i am i do it by exclusion and possibilities, this is an intp trait, is like i automatically list any possibilities and then deep analyze them and see what can put them in doubt, the problem is i always find a doubt, ne..)
General Traits:
im rebel, i always take the chance to go againts all if what they are saying/doing is unlogic/unmoral or if someone is trying to make joke of a weak people.
i dont really like rules if i think they are useless and can be skipped with a little of good sense
is not that i dont like people, is more like i dont like random relationship and conventional behaviors that comes from them
i can be really silly with my friends, but after i do i almost always think im stupid and i dont need to act like that
im skeptical and very superficial in thing that doesnt matter for me
i love to stay alone but it depends, there are periods of month that i dont care if i dont go out of the home and periods that i'm always outside, but when it happens that i exit a lot is almost always cause i like someone
i need to stay alone cause i like to think and losing in my mind
i dont like to show emotion but I REALLY FEEL them, this is the first thing that make me hesitate of being an intp (try to understand, is not that easy to be a really emotional male so i learned to hide them)
i dont show them cause i think they can be sign of wikness (self-defense) and i can appear a little bit detached, with people i like i'm really emotional, cause with these people i'm 100% myself without omitting nothing.
I'm unconfortable showing emotion expecially if i'm not truely feeling that way.
i can be really empathetic if i want, i dont know is if real empathism or if i fake it, i feel it by putting myself in that situation, sometimes if i think that the reason why the people is feeling in a way is stupid or superficial i can't be empathetic
im sensitive as fuck, as i said when i'm with people i may hide it, but this is the truth, i can cry in front of every film if it touch me, a good music, 2 right words and im already crying, i like romantic film a lot (girl trait xd)
I will never forget when once i met an elk and slowly tried to get close to her, she was feared, but i did it so slowly and disarmed that she didnt run from me, once i was near her and almost touched her head i started crying, i was emotionated cause she trusted me even if she didnt know nothig about me. (i know is a good thing, but i will never say something like that to my friends)
Even if i'm emotional i dont like warm people if i feel like is not true warm, like people who seems to be good with everyone and then speak behind all, i really hate false people, for example if i know you and the first day you are so warm, you come up to me false, cause you don't still know me, why the fuck you need to be so attached, an exception if is more like innocent/disarmed warm, if it is more like this way i cant resist it. (idk if warm is the correct word, i mean people who are good with you).
Once i found a sentence in an infp topic that can describe this really well: "They want to be loved but they think they have to prove themselves worthy of love", in fact when people like me automatically i don't care a lot, sometimes i do the same and i like people from the start but is only why my fi somehow already know who you are. When i like somone is like i know it from the start, im a lot idealistic and maybe this is the cause, but is like they are always like i tought they were.
For this weakness about innocence i also love animals, their eyes are irresistible for me.
In some way i can be see as false too, but i think this only because my trend to change what i think, in the present moment i'm almost never false, if i'm is only in superficial things or for a really good reason.
I think to be really good at understanding people (i dont know if i really are), but i feel they are not good to understand me. For understand i dont mean what they do or say, but what they feel and why they feel that way, i almost always know if they are being true or not, people can't hide their feelings from me, i can see them in their eyes.
When i like somone is like i know it from the start, im a lot idealistic and maybe this is the cause, but is like they are always like i tought they were.
In general i like weak people and i always try to defend them.
Can't stant to have someone above me and when someone say me what to do, im really individualistic and don't like teamwork, for example in team games i'm always the really good but solo players. (in serious things, in random things ofc i like teamwork)
At the same time of being individualistic sometimes when people say "you are strange" it can offense me,depends on the situation, cause more then everything i want to be understand and i want to understand people, how they feel, what make them feel that way, in fact i really like having deep conversation, and while having one with a person who understand me, i get lost and nothing matters anymore (can speak for hours). I think this is the thing i like more in life (and this is the proove that i can't be an intp). This is why i like mbti too, cause it helps me understand.
I love challenge but only in thing that matters for me, if they dindn't i don't really care.
I procastinate everything, i'm lazy as fuck but once again it's not absolute, if a thing REALLY matter for me i can do everything and people always show up surpised, cause they think "omg is really him, where he did took that energy and determination"
I always analyze everything almost in a compulsive way, for example in a lot of videogames is almost more the time i spent analyzing stats,equip, creating the best build that playing the game itself.
Im very kind in material things and sometimes i say no only to hide it and to not let people use me.
Never ask for help.
Sarcastic to the point i don't even know if i'm kidding or not
I'm stubborn, if i take a decision is really hard to make me change my idea, you need to be really important for me to be able to do that.
I'm egoistic but if i care about the person and that person is able to touch my emotion for me is really really hard to say no.
When touched emotionally all my walls and defense falls and i become an innocent puppy
Very calm, but at the same time i can be really impulsive if someone goes againts me without respect and this can happen too if someone touch a people i care, for example if someone blame someone i like, i take it directly, like he is blaming me. When i become that way you can just apologize or run away, is like an hidden power comes to me xd.
I'm really nostalgic, that's why i still play pokemon
I never miss people, if someone disappear from my life i'll miss him only superficially, i will not try to contact him ecc. the only exception is for girls i liked or for someone really important for me (no one for now).
I'm more timid with people i know, is like i'm more inhibited (not timid at all) with people who i care, in fact this show up with girls, in general i'm pretty good except for the girls i like. I think this is because with people i care i analyze everything, asking me if i did something wrong and i this comes by not being spontaneous, instead with people i dont know i just don't care, i'm more superficial, i do and say whatever i want, if they don't like me is easy, i make a laugh.
For girls i like infj/infp (cause i think are the type that better can understand me). I have a weakness for malinchonic introverted girl that looks cold but they aren't, wounded in hearth, that need to be saved. (but i think is only attraction, once in a relationship i don't know if will be good)
As you can see is like i'm an infp with very high logic (4w5) , i have read that some intp (5w4) can be like infp, but here comes the logic, is impossible for me to have 5 functions instead of 4 (if 4 i should say ti/fi/ne/si, not in order, that is impossible), i know that all people can use all 8 function, but come on my fi is ubnormally developed, so i tought maybe i miss my fe as a fi? but fe is more like a conventional way, not only about my feelings, but about others, (i can be seen as egoistic by a lot of people, but at the same time i have that innocent kindness with the people i care) or maybe i miss te as ti?
So why i said ENFP too?
I was really extroverted, and i still am, i am cold with new people (exception from who i know i like) , but only cause i want to be cold (i think is a way to not be false). I think if you see me you will never type me as an introvert, im funny and if i want to be liked by people i can. This is going to end getting older, i dont know if is an infp/intp te/fe inferior grip, but it has no sense cause it doesnt explain why when i was child i was really hyperactive with others (no add), but i could stay hours alone too, playing lego, tv. Everywhere i went i was the most lively person, but people used me.I was so extroverted and somehow timid at the same time, then i become less timid in relationship at 12-13 years magically, i was the funniest one , the people who is able to make everyone laugh and the one who break social walls, i'm still able of make confortable even the more timid person by not judging them and showing interest for them, i canmake fun of them too, and they know i'm jocking, if other people did, they could be offended, but not with me, i dont know why, is like my enthusiasm could affect people and people could see how much i was true.Timid Girls used to like me. For the most weak people i was an example, for the others, the bulls ecc i was just a moron. (typical enfp)
Breaking rules was my bread, i didnt hear no one and i always defied people just cause i liked it, expecially with professors, always contradict them as soon i could,i was not good at school, cause i never applied i was really superficial and didnt care of nothing, even without applying i was one of the best student in physics, probably the best if applied, this make me again think in ti/ne, cause i really never studied, i knew how to do thing just by some logic (ti),random memories (ne), looking how people solved exercises, without any explanations just looking at them, even if they semplificated jumping steps i was able to understand what they did and do it by myself (ne).
What is happening now:
So growing up i become really calm and i'm really introverted about TRUE STRONG emotions.
You need to consider that i'm passing a period of anxiety and depression, not literally ,nothing diagnosticated.
I think it comes from smoking, cause i dont know why i become paranoic when i smoke a lot, and this brought me to have some panic attack (but only when i smoke a lot and only in public) and to know mbti, maybe all of this is my strong Ne under reality alteration.
I saw a psychologist, i was really scared and tought i was becoming mad, cause i experienced depersonalization from cannabis. I really never ask for help, NEVER, this is the sign of how much i was scared, so after different months of trying to resolve the problem alone by logic
i decided to see one. After only 3 times the psychologist said me that i was only stressed from the panic attack and was normal to be scared and of course the fact that i didn't stop smoking make me even more paranoic, so he said i need just to stop smoking and there were no point on keep going from him,so i stopped going . (Never said something to my friends, and to my parents i only said i had some problem, not which problem)
Of course i still didnt stop smoking, i do it everyday like always, i dont know, first of all i don't want to stop smoking, second is like a challenge for me, stop means lose, i can come out from this even if i dont stop, i know i can, and i'll do, in fact now im better with some meditation, i'm speaking about panic attack.
About my approach to life is different, through years i become worse. Like i said i procastinate everything, i don't have a lot of interest and i see a lot of things as meaningless, i'm really bored and when i find something i like i always do it with all myself but then after some times i will be bored again. Lately i'm not doing a lot of thing, even things that i like to do, cause doing something means stop overthinking for this reason for me is often hard to sleep if i'm not totally exausted. I dont speak a lot in general cause i have no interest (when i was younger i never stop speaking) i'm having difficult hearing others too,cause almost always i just don't care about what they are talking about. I have a big group of friends and i see them almost everyday, i dont really know what they think of me at this point, someone will think i'm depressed,other thhat im strange, they always ask me if i'm ok, but i really hate it. They saw me under some panic attacks too and i really feel ashamed for this.
I can speak, faking interest , but i dont want to, as you understand for me is really important to be myself according to how i feel and i'm okay being that way. I think i become that way cause i can't really speak with my group, we have same hobbies, but i really need someone who can have deep conversation with me (as i said i like to analyze and feel emotion, so deep conversation is what i search most in people), my friends are too superficial in this way.
Is like im stacked in melancholy but i see no point of getting out by it, im not sad, is more like truely indifferent.
THIS IS MY BIGGEST STRUGGLE, there is a war inside me, a part that want to be that lively child and a part that want to be the cold but warm inside, is not easy as u can say "just be yourself", if i act like that child i feel stupid, i dont recognize myself being that light-hearted, if i act cold i feel i'm like an asshole. As u can see i'm idealistic even speaking of myself (maybe i'm just wounded from this stressfull time, cause in some way i know that happy child is still there)
As you can see i'm VERY VERY strange and i'm a paradox in almost everything. The only thing that no one can be contrary is my ne.
I dont know if all of what i wrote can be usefull, but i tought was necessary to make you understand me better and not to be misstyped only cause under a period of stress. I really want to find my type to help me understand once for all who i truely are and what i should develope, not being blind by my life's experiences. INTP is the most logic answer, but too emotional and has no sense about my younger behavior, and i can not have changed my type through years, so i will a logical INFP fit me better (maybe cause te grip)
I can be too totally different people and i think this is a fi/ne work that change as i feel in the moment, i can be the most optimistic and enthusiastic people when i feel happy and the most pessimistic and cynical when i feel sad (fi)
Finally arrived at the end, my biggest goal is to find the goal itself, once i understand what's my goal nothing can stop me from reaching it and if something stops me it just mean that wasn't my true goal (AHAHA easy thinking in this way no? how to troll yourself, classic infp trait), if i have a purpose i really work well. (please dont missunderstand, for a purpose i mean something that matter REALLY, for all other things i'm lazy as fuck and i will always procastinate them, is years that i'm saying i need to go to gym xd, my determination shows up only for special things).
Thanks for help and for reading this really weird wall of text. (i tried to make it shorter, i know is still long :/ )
For me is very important to understand who i really am, i will try to describe me as better as i can.
Im pretty sure i have a Ne function, i always look behind things in more ways, this is why i think i cant understand my type, when i try to figure out who i am i always come to tons of paradoxes.
So the only thing i almost sure is about my Ne, implying this i think my type is one of INTP, INFP, ENFP.
In test i score as an INTP with a very high Fi and i really fit well in the intp description. (but not for the emotional part and i'm more interested in humanity)
Sorry but is really hard for me to organize a good speech in general, so in english is almost impossible, is cause i always forget thing and then remember them randomly by speaking of other thing that can be associated (ne)
(as you will see when i try to understand who i am i do it by exclusion and possibilities, this is an intp trait, is like i automatically list any possibilities and then deep analyze them and see what can put them in doubt, the problem is i always find a doubt, ne..)
General Traits:
im rebel, i always take the chance to go againts all if what they are saying/doing is unlogic/unmoral or if someone is trying to make joke of a weak people.
i dont really like rules if i think they are useless and can be skipped with a little of good sense
is not that i dont like people, is more like i dont like random relationship and conventional behaviors that comes from them
i can be really silly with my friends, but after i do i almost always think im stupid and i dont need to act like that
im skeptical and very superficial in thing that doesnt matter for me
i love to stay alone but it depends, there are periods of month that i dont care if i dont go out of the home and periods that i'm always outside, but when it happens that i exit a lot is almost always cause i like someone
i need to stay alone cause i like to think and losing in my mind
i dont like to show emotion but I REALLY FEEL them, this is the first thing that make me hesitate of being an intp (try to understand, is not that easy to be a really emotional male so i learned to hide them)
i dont show them cause i think they can be sign of wikness (self-defense) and i can appear a little bit detached, with people i like i'm really emotional, cause with these people i'm 100% myself without omitting nothing.
I'm unconfortable showing emotion expecially if i'm not truely feeling that way.
i can be really empathetic if i want, i dont know is if real empathism or if i fake it, i feel it by putting myself in that situation, sometimes if i think that the reason why the people is feeling in a way is stupid or superficial i can't be empathetic
im sensitive as fuck, as i said when i'm with people i may hide it, but this is the truth, i can cry in front of every film if it touch me, a good music, 2 right words and im already crying, i like romantic film a lot (girl trait xd)
I will never forget when once i met an elk and slowly tried to get close to her, she was feared, but i did it so slowly and disarmed that she didnt run from me, once i was near her and almost touched her head i started crying, i was emotionated cause she trusted me even if she didnt know nothig about me. (i know is a good thing, but i will never say something like that to my friends)
Even if i'm emotional i dont like warm people if i feel like is not true warm, like people who seems to be good with everyone and then speak behind all, i really hate false people, for example if i know you and the first day you are so warm, you come up to me false, cause you don't still know me, why the fuck you need to be so attached, an exception if is more like innocent/disarmed warm, if it is more like this way i cant resist it. (idk if warm is the correct word, i mean people who are good with you).
Once i found a sentence in an infp topic that can describe this really well: "They want to be loved but they think they have to prove themselves worthy of love", in fact when people like me automatically i don't care a lot, sometimes i do the same and i like people from the start but is only why my fi somehow already know who you are. When i like somone is like i know it from the start, im a lot idealistic and maybe this is the cause, but is like they are always like i tought they were.
For this weakness about innocence i also love animals, their eyes are irresistible for me.
In some way i can be see as false too, but i think this only because my trend to change what i think, in the present moment i'm almost never false, if i'm is only in superficial things or for a really good reason.
I think to be really good at understanding people (i dont know if i really are), but i feel they are not good to understand me. For understand i dont mean what they do or say, but what they feel and why they feel that way, i almost always know if they are being true or not, people can't hide their feelings from me, i can see them in their eyes.
When i like somone is like i know it from the start, im a lot idealistic and maybe this is the cause, but is like they are always like i tought they were.
In general i like weak people and i always try to defend them.
Can't stant to have someone above me and when someone say me what to do, im really individualistic and don't like teamwork, for example in team games i'm always the really good but solo players. (in serious things, in random things ofc i like teamwork)
At the same time of being individualistic sometimes when people say "you are strange" it can offense me,depends on the situation, cause more then everything i want to be understand and i want to understand people, how they feel, what make them feel that way, in fact i really like having deep conversation, and while having one with a person who understand me, i get lost and nothing matters anymore (can speak for hours). I think this is the thing i like more in life (and this is the proove that i can't be an intp). This is why i like mbti too, cause it helps me understand.
I love challenge but only in thing that matters for me, if they dindn't i don't really care.
I procastinate everything, i'm lazy as fuck but once again it's not absolute, if a thing REALLY matter for me i can do everything and people always show up surpised, cause they think "omg is really him, where he did took that energy and determination"
I always analyze everything almost in a compulsive way, for example in a lot of videogames is almost more the time i spent analyzing stats,equip, creating the best build that playing the game itself.
Im very kind in material things and sometimes i say no only to hide it and to not let people use me.
Never ask for help.
Sarcastic to the point i don't even know if i'm kidding or not
I'm stubborn, if i take a decision is really hard to make me change my idea, you need to be really important for me to be able to do that.
I'm egoistic but if i care about the person and that person is able to touch my emotion for me is really really hard to say no.
When touched emotionally all my walls and defense falls and i become an innocent puppy
Very calm, but at the same time i can be really impulsive if someone goes againts me without respect and this can happen too if someone touch a people i care, for example if someone blame someone i like, i take it directly, like he is blaming me. When i become that way you can just apologize or run away, is like an hidden power comes to me xd.
I'm really nostalgic, that's why i still play pokemon
I never miss people, if someone disappear from my life i'll miss him only superficially, i will not try to contact him ecc. the only exception is for girls i liked or for someone really important for me (no one for now).
I'm more timid with people i know, is like i'm more inhibited (not timid at all) with people who i care, in fact this show up with girls, in general i'm pretty good except for the girls i like. I think this is because with people i care i analyze everything, asking me if i did something wrong and i this comes by not being spontaneous, instead with people i dont know i just don't care, i'm more superficial, i do and say whatever i want, if they don't like me is easy, i make a laugh.
For girls i like infj/infp (cause i think are the type that better can understand me). I have a weakness for malinchonic introverted girl that looks cold but they aren't, wounded in hearth, that need to be saved. (but i think is only attraction, once in a relationship i don't know if will be good)
As you can see is like i'm an infp with very high logic (4w5) , i have read that some intp (5w4) can be like infp, but here comes the logic, is impossible for me to have 5 functions instead of 4 (if 4 i should say ti/fi/ne/si, not in order, that is impossible), i know that all people can use all 8 function, but come on my fi is ubnormally developed, so i tought maybe i miss my fe as a fi? but fe is more like a conventional way, not only about my feelings, but about others, (i can be seen as egoistic by a lot of people, but at the same time i have that innocent kindness with the people i care) or maybe i miss te as ti?
So why i said ENFP too?
I was really extroverted, and i still am, i am cold with new people (exception from who i know i like) , but only cause i want to be cold (i think is a way to not be false). I think if you see me you will never type me as an introvert, im funny and if i want to be liked by people i can. This is going to end getting older, i dont know if is an infp/intp te/fe inferior grip, but it has no sense cause it doesnt explain why when i was child i was really hyperactive with others (no add), but i could stay hours alone too, playing lego, tv. Everywhere i went i was the most lively person, but people used me.I was so extroverted and somehow timid at the same time, then i become less timid in relationship at 12-13 years magically, i was the funniest one , the people who is able to make everyone laugh and the one who break social walls, i'm still able of make confortable even the more timid person by not judging them and showing interest for them, i canmake fun of them too, and they know i'm jocking, if other people did, they could be offended, but not with me, i dont know why, is like my enthusiasm could affect people and people could see how much i was true.Timid Girls used to like me. For the most weak people i was an example, for the others, the bulls ecc i was just a moron. (typical enfp)
Breaking rules was my bread, i didnt hear no one and i always defied people just cause i liked it, expecially with professors, always contradict them as soon i could,i was not good at school, cause i never applied i was really superficial and didnt care of nothing, even without applying i was one of the best student in physics, probably the best if applied, this make me again think in ti/ne, cause i really never studied, i knew how to do thing just by some logic (ti),random memories (ne), looking how people solved exercises, without any explanations just looking at them, even if they semplificated jumping steps i was able to understand what they did and do it by myself (ne).
What is happening now:
So growing up i become really calm and i'm really introverted about TRUE STRONG emotions.
You need to consider that i'm passing a period of anxiety and depression, not literally ,nothing diagnosticated.
I think it comes from smoking, cause i dont know why i become paranoic when i smoke a lot, and this brought me to have some panic attack (but only when i smoke a lot and only in public) and to know mbti, maybe all of this is my strong Ne under reality alteration.
I saw a psychologist, i was really scared and tought i was becoming mad, cause i experienced depersonalization from cannabis. I really never ask for help, NEVER, this is the sign of how much i was scared, so after different months of trying to resolve the problem alone by logic
i decided to see one. After only 3 times the psychologist said me that i was only stressed from the panic attack and was normal to be scared and of course the fact that i didn't stop smoking make me even more paranoic, so he said i need just to stop smoking and there were no point on keep going from him,so i stopped going . (Never said something to my friends, and to my parents i only said i had some problem, not which problem)Of course i still didnt stop smoking, i do it everyday like always, i dont know, first of all i don't want to stop smoking, second is like a challenge for me, stop means lose, i can come out from this even if i dont stop, i know i can, and i'll do, in fact now im better with some meditation, i'm speaking about panic attack.
About my approach to life is different, through years i become worse. Like i said i procastinate everything, i don't have a lot of interest and i see a lot of things as meaningless, i'm really bored and when i find something i like i always do it with all myself but then after some times i will be bored again. Lately i'm not doing a lot of thing, even things that i like to do, cause doing something means stop overthinking for this reason for me is often hard to sleep if i'm not totally exausted. I dont speak a lot in general cause i have no interest (when i was younger i never stop speaking) i'm having difficult hearing others too,cause almost always i just don't care about what they are talking about. I have a big group of friends and i see them almost everyday, i dont really know what they think of me at this point, someone will think i'm depressed,other thhat im strange, they always ask me if i'm ok, but i really hate it. They saw me under some panic attacks too and i really feel ashamed for this.
I can speak, faking interest , but i dont want to, as you understand for me is really important to be myself according to how i feel and i'm okay being that way. I think i become that way cause i can't really speak with my group, we have same hobbies, but i really need someone who can have deep conversation with me (as i said i like to analyze and feel emotion, so deep conversation is what i search most in people), my friends are too superficial in this way.
Is like im stacked in melancholy but i see no point of getting out by it, im not sad, is more like truely indifferent.
THIS IS MY BIGGEST STRUGGLE, there is a war inside me, a part that want to be that lively child and a part that want to be the cold but warm inside, is not easy as u can say "just be yourself", if i act like that child i feel stupid, i dont recognize myself being that light-hearted, if i act cold i feel i'm like an asshole. As u can see i'm idealistic even speaking of myself (maybe i'm just wounded from this stressfull time, cause in some way i know that happy child is still there)
As you can see i'm VERY VERY strange and i'm a paradox in almost everything. The only thing that no one can be contrary is my ne.
I dont know if all of what i wrote can be usefull, but i tought was necessary to make you understand me better and not to be misstyped only cause under a period of stress. I really want to find my type to help me understand once for all who i truely are and what i should develope, not being blind by my life's experiences. INTP is the most logic answer, but too emotional and has no sense about my younger behavior, and i can not have changed my type through years, so i will a logical INFP fit me better (maybe cause te grip)
I can be too totally different people and i think this is a fi/ne work that change as i feel in the moment, i can be the most optimistic and enthusiastic people when i feel happy and the most pessimistic and cynical when i feel sad (fi)
Finally arrived at the end, my biggest goal is to find the goal itself, once i understand what's my goal nothing can stop me from reaching it and if something stops me it just mean that wasn't my true goal (AHAHA easy thinking in this way no? how to troll yourself, classic infp trait), if i have a purpose i really work well. (please dont missunderstand, for a purpose i mean something that matter REALLY, for all other things i'm lazy as fuck and i will always procastinate them, is years that i'm saying i need to go to gym xd, my determination shows up only for special things).
Thanks for help and for reading this really weird wall of text. (i tried to make it shorter, i know is still long :/ )
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