Yo, can you give me some Enneagram help?

[NAPSTABLOOK22]

I'm having difficulty pinpointing my tritype, so if you could help me find that, it would be nice.

I'd be grateful just to hear what you think my main type is, though.

How are you doing? Are there any major life events/illnesses/other issues that might be influencing you? Did you write this in one sitting, or have you pondered these issues deeply? Give us a sense of "where you're at" right now.

It took me quite a few sittings to answer this questionnaire, I tried to think through each question carefully and give answers that apply to my behavior most of the time.

0. What's making you unsure of your type? What research have you already done to determine type?

I have read through several different articles regarding enneagram. I have also posted a couple of “type me” questionnaires on PersonalityCafe, and even on Reddit, but I have been getting varying answers. I decided to come here to Typology Central for some new opinions.

I relate to almost all of the types and many tritypes in at least a few ways, I can see myself through their behaviors and fears. I will go into more detail later in the questionnaire.

1. Establish a "baseline mood"--when you're at home with nothing to do, where are you at mentally and emotionally? What do you notice in yourself? (Note, this is not a mood you inhabit "frequently", but your psychological baseline).

I just try to entertain myself with something simple like going online, reading a book, listening to music, or just thinking about stuff. Occasionally I get in a restless mood where I want to leave the house and do something exciting, but most of the time I am fine with being at home, and I don’t even want to go out.

(I wasn’t sure how to answer this question, I hope this answer is acceptable.)

2. Describe yourself--
a. What's it like to be you?

It’s a pretty lame experience, yet I am too apathetic to try making it any more enjoyable. I am a very negative person who sees the worst in everything and everyone, especially myself, which can get annoying and draining. I don’t have many friends, and I don’t participate in many exciting activities.

b. What have others said about you?

Most people in real life do not get to know me well and use generic terms such as “nice,” “quiet,” and “smart” to describe me. Sometimes “weird.”

The few people to whom I am actually close would generally use those same words, although they have seen me acting mean, loud, and stupid and they do tell me when I am being that way. In addition, they would also consider me “funny” and “cynical,” qualities I usually hide from strangers.

c. What do you think of yourself?

I flip between periods of heavy self-deprecation, and periods of great confidence. Some days I think of myself as a useless piece of trash who is a waste of space in this world, and other days I feel highly superior to my peers.

3. What are the issues you've dealt with in life? List some recurrent themes, and tell us a little about each one.

Nothing serious, my life is dull. Mostly just my mind being a piece of crap and feeding myself bundles of negativity.

Although, anger is a big issue of mine. I’ve had my share of poor treatment in the past and I tend to hold grudges… for a very long time. I get a lot of intrusive violent thoughts in my head because of this.

Yet, being a pushover is another problem I have. I find it hard to say no to people and let them take advantage of me, do what they want to me.

4. You're not good at everything--
a. What personality traits and/or ways of being are impossible for you to adopt?

Empathy, sympathy, optimism, forgiveness, self-control.

b. What are qualities you'd like to have, but can't seem to develop?

As stated earlier, I cannot seem to develop a positive attitude. My strong negativity tells myself that it is impossible to do so.

I would also like to become more assertive and display more perseverance, although I am having a very difficult time with this.

5. Why have you left friends and other relationships in the past and/or why have they left you?

I have left “friends” in the past simply because I got bored of them. Keep in mind that I was never very close to them in the first place. We just hung out in school and maybe a few times outside of it. But we had barely any interests in common, and they would often talk about topics that bored me, so I started avoiding them.

People have left me because I was not a good friend. Our relationships were very detached. I wasn’t particularly supportive or sensitive to their feelings, so I would often say things that ended up offending them.

6. Which types do you identify with most?

3, 4, 5, 6, 9

a. How do you relate to these types?

3: My self-image is important to me and I want others to perceive me positively, I enjoy being admired by others, I love accomplishing things and I have a tendency to brag about it,
4: I am very individualistic and introspective, I am melancholic and moody, I have a tendency to withdraw from others.
5: I want to be seen as capable and competent, I have an interest in accumulating knowledge, I am private and independent, I have nihilistic views, I am analytical.
6: I usually feel insecure and doubtful, I am very skeptical and suspicious, I have a tendency to worry about things that might go wrong, I am reactive.
9: I am extremely conflict-avoidant in real life and this can lead to me being a pushover, I want to feel comfortable at all times, I can be quite sedentary and uninvolved, I build up my anger.

b. How do you NOT relate to them?

3: I don’t fear being seen as “worthless” because I’m pretty sure I already am, I am not very goal-oriented or fast-paced.
4: I am not idealistic, I am not very envious, I am not aesthetically sensitive or creative.
5: I’m not innovative or inventive, I don’t think I’m intelligent.
6: I’m not too concerned with security, loyalty is not one of my defining traits, while support is nice it’s not a big necessity for me.
9: I don’t have a need to feel “connected” to others, I find it fun to start chaos when I’m bored.

7. Which types are least like you?

1, 2, 7, 8

a. Why specifically do you not relate to these types?

1: I do not believe I have high standards and ethics, I am not self-disciplined and responsible, I don’t care much about reformation, I don’t fear being “evil” or “defective.”
2: I don’t give a shit about caring for others, being loved is not one of my desires, I don’t have a need to help others, I am not very caring, warm, or sociable, I am not relationship-oriented.
7: I am not optimistic, energetic, or active, I don’t really try to avoid boredom.
8: I am not confrontational, confident, strong, decisive, assertive, or controlling.

b. What points (if any) DO you relate to?

1: I can be a perfectionist, I am pretty detail-oriented, I am judgmental at my worst.
2: I can be manipulative.
7: I am spontaneous and I love living in the moment, I have a hedonistic outlook on life, I like having fun and avoiding pain, I desire being satisfied and content.
8: Being harmed or controlled by others is definitely a big fear of mine, I desire for others to be truthful with me, if I see someone else being treated poorly I feel the need to step in, I am impulsive and easily angered.

8. They claim enneagram type is a hidden love need. What are your attitudes toward finding love?

I do not think that I am capable of loving someone unless that person has already shown deep affection towards me. I don’t see the point finding another person to love when there’s a chance that he/she will not love me back, seems like pain I could easily avoid.

When it comes to finding love in hobbies, I don’t search for that, either. I already have enough activities that I love, like listening to music, writing, posting on forums. If I somehow find another hobby that I like, then that would be great, but I have no need to look for one.

(I’m skipping question 9, I don’t know how to answer it.)

10. Determine your ego ideal--the way you strive to be and want others to perceive you. (Note, you may be consciously aware of failing at this, and you will be hard on yourself if you do. If someone else tells you you're NOT this way, it may make you feel hurt, violated, or angry.)

Which of the following ideals resonate with you the most, and why? Rank them.

Alright, reordered from most to least relatable.

1. To be powerful, strong, unassailable
I have always wanted to personify these three words, despite them not characterizing me.
2. To be knowledgeable
Information is very valuable to me.
3. To be accomplished and successful
I think this would help me appear as powerful and make my life feel more worthwhile.
4. To be "okay", to have it together
I try my best to seem like a confident, collected person even when it’s hard, I think it makes me seem cool.
5. To be sensitive, original, unique, and creative
I would rather not be seen as sensitive, but I am an individualist and I want to be seen that way.
6. To be a loveable person
I mean, I’d prefer to be liked, but it’s not a priority.
7. To strive to become/behave like a good person
Eh, I’m honestly not interested in living “morally.” I generally try not to be an asshole, but again, it’s not a priority.
8. To be loving and benevolent
Basically the same response as above.
9. To be devoted and loyal to a person or cause
To me, caring about someone or something to that extent just sounds like an emotionally draining waste of time that could end negatively.

11. Determine your "felt sense" of life. To do this it may help to look at how you perceive events. Another way to do this is to look back at your childhood and think of all the things your parents did to you. How did you/do you feel about these events?

I am going to answer this question in the same format as the previous one and rank their examples from most to least fitting.

1. People have wronged and messed with me
I went into this earlier. People I’ve met have treated me poorly and I got angry about it.
2. I have felt weak and/or vulnerable to attack
Due to being a pushover like I said earlier, and also partially because of how I look in real life. This caused paranoia.
3. I feel imperfect, not (good) enough
I constantly point out my own flaws, causing insecurity.
4. I feel isolated, cut off, and ultimately separate
I feel disconnected from the rest of humanity, but I don’t see this as much of a problem.
5. I'm outside the natural unfoldment of things
Kind of the same as above, right?
6. I've had a sense of being rejectable
If even I don’t like myself, how can anyone like me?
7. I have a sense of being unimportant, insignificant, and undeserving of attention
Really, this depends on my mood. There are times that I do feel superior to others.
8. I have been abandoned and I am inherently flawed
I’ve never been abandoned.
? I must do everything to maintain my world
I don’t understand this one, to be honest. So I guess it doesn’t apply?

12. Core fears. You may have been aware of these fears even as a very small child, before anyone did anything to influence it. You'd be mortified to be in this position or have others perceive you this way.

Ranking the examples again from most to least accurate.

1. Failure
I’ve always been hard on myself. As a kid I became extremely disappointed whenever I got less than an A in my schoolwork.
2. Rejection, being needy, and not being loved
Yep, that’s why I avoid relationships and people in general.
3. Entanglements and losing what I have
Both just sound terrifying and I cannot pinpoint why.
4. Boredom, grunt work, and being exposed as a charlatan
I highly dread physical activities. I try to avoid boredom. Being exposed as a fraud would be scary, but I have no need to worry about that.
5. A lot--everything and everyone to one degree or another. It's very generalized.
I don’t really fear everything. But I do have a lot of random fears and worries. Like teenagers, germs, et cetera.
6. Creating conflict by making myself or my needs too obvious
I guess I don’t care about this.
7, 8, 9. Being abandoned, sadness, feeling lost
Something is basically wrong with me--I'm not good enough
Weak and not being on top of things
Eh, these already all apply to me (except abandonment) so I don’t fear them.