In need of Enneagram help please

[sardonic delight]

0. What's making you unsure of your type? What research have you already done to determine type?
I've done a few tests and usually get 4 or 6. [MENTION=28496]DigitalSoul[/MENTION] suggested 9w1 and I can see some of it. I would like to figure out my tritype. I do believe 9 is in there somewhere.

1. Establish a "baseline mood"--when you're at home with nothing to do, where are you at mentally and emotionally? What do you notice in yourself? (Note, this is not a mood you inhabit "frequently", but your psychological baseline). Mentally I'm inside my head always thinking of something be it making mental lists of things or thinking up stories or situations. Emotionally it depends on what's going on. I do deal with depression and anxiety and if it's a bad mental health day then my thoughts are more melancholic and fatalistic. Either way I'm usually in constant thought, it's just the subjects change.
I do constantly zone out. I did it today and had to explain there was nothing that had caught my attention at the window, I just was in deep thought. This happens a lot.

2. Describe yourself--
a. What's it like to be you? I'm imaginative, ditzy, moody. I'm not as idealistic as I used to be.
b. What have others said about you? That I'm thoughtful, creative, open-minded, anxious, indecisive, and that I'm sensitive in both good and bad ways.
c. What do you think of yourself? I'm very hard on myself so it's hard to think up good things other than I love being creative and make an effort to be thoughtful. I get very annoyed with myself with being flaky, forgetful, and a worry wart.

3. What are the issues you've dealt with in life? List some recurrent themes, and tell us a little about each one.
Being too trusting - it's put me in harm's way quite a lot in the past.
Lack of self esteem - Lack of self worth led to being a doormat and letting very bad people into my life.
Fearful- I was a very scared child. It was easy to distress me.


4. You're not good at everything--
a. What personality traits and/or ways of being are impossible for you to adopt? Being decisive. Finishing stories, art, basically seeing things through. Being patient.
b. What are qualities you'd like to have, but can't seem to develop? Patience. I'm not good at being assertive with people either. No matter how hard I try to work on that.

5. Why have you left friends and other relationships in the past and/or why have they left you?
Mainly it's from drifting apart or being too different.
6. Which types do you identify with most?
9,6,4,2,3
a. How do you relate to these types?
9- avoids conflict and works towards peaceful surroundings, 6- worry wart queen and the occasional rebel princess, 4 - individualism, 2 - uber need to love and help others, 3- determined as fu** and a bit image obsessed due to being raised by image obsessed people.
b. How do you NOT relate to them?
9- I'm a bit too blunt and bossy, 6- I'm a very anxious and cautious person but obsessed with security. 4- I'm not that emo XD. Kidding. I would suppress my views to keep from causing controversy. 2- I'm not the caregiving type and if someone uses me as a doormat it's not for long, 3 - I have ambitious ideas but I lack on following through with them. I feel if I have a 3 in my type then it's a wing and nothing else.
7. Which types are least like you? 1, 7
a. Why specifically do you not relate to these types? 1- I'm not someone who's driven by duty. I do feel morally obligated to do some things but it's not my passion. 7- I'm not a thrill seeker. I'm a bit too cautious for that.
b. What points (if any) DO you relate to?
I believe either 1 or 7 could possibly be wings. There's bits I relate to but not remotely enough to think they are main types.
8. They claim enneagram type is a hidden love need. What are your attitudes toward finding love?
It's what I ultimately seek in all its forms. I yearn for it and love to give it.
9. What is the message your superego tells you?

Consider a time when you felt poorly about yourself--this means your ego (i.e. YOU) is receiving negative feedback from your superego. Write a conversation between the two of them--what is your superego telling you about how to be? (Note: this obviously is very personal and may be better done privately. Report your findings).
There's a lot of expletives and negativity. I can be quite brutal with myself.

For the following, rank the issues in the order they apply and give a brief description of why and how you relate.

10. Determine your ego ideal--the way you strive to be and want others to perceive you. (Note, you may be consciously aware of failing at this, and you will be hard on yourself if you do. If someone else tells you you're NOT this way, it may make you feel hurt, violated, or angry.)

Which of the following ideals resonate with you the most, and why? Rank them.
- to strive to become/behave like a good person
- to be "okay", having it together
- to be devoted and loyal to a person or cause
- to be sensitive, original, unique, and creative
- to be accomplished and successful
- to be a loveable person
- to be loving and benevolent
- to be knowlegeable
- to be powerful, strong, unassailable.

11. Determine your "felt sense" of life. To do this it may help to look at how you perceive events. Another way to do this is to look back at your childhood and think of all the things your parents did to you. How did you/do you feel about these events?

- I have felt weak and/or vulnerable to attack
- I feel imperfect, not (good) enough
- I have been abandoned and I am inherently flawed
12. Core fears. You may have been aware of these fears even as a very small child, before anyone did anything to influence it. You'd be mortified to be in this position or have others perceive you this way.

Discuss which fears have played the greatest role in your life:
- Rejection, being needy, and not being loved
- Weak and not being on top of things
- Failure
- Being abandoned, sadness, feeling lost

 

[Rouskyrie]

Have you determined your "problem emotion"? (Fear, shame, or anger.)

You may already be aware of this; In which case, I sincerely apologize. However, if not, the problem emotion is the emotion of the three that is most prominent in your behavior. Seeing as how that's so, discovering it could make typing yourself much easier. Also, there's the whole description on how each type handles the aforementioned problem emotion. That being:

Problem Emotion, Anger:
8 - Externalizes anger.
9 - Represses anger.
1 - Internalizes anger.

Problem Emotion, Shame:
2 - Externalizes shame.
3 - Represses shame.
4 - Internalizes shame.

Problem Emotion, Fear:
5 - Externalizes fear.
6 - Represses fear.
7 - Internalizes fear.

Anyway, that's how I began looking to my Enneagram type. I've figured out my entire trifix, which is 9w1, 2w1, 5w6, but that's another note.

 

[Mal12345]

0. What's making you unsure of your type? What research have you already done to determine type?
I've done a few tests and usually get 4 or 6. [MENTION=28496]DigitalSoul[/MENTION] suggested 9w1 and I can see some of it. I would like to figure out my tritype. I do believe 9 is in there somewhere.

1. Establish a "baseline mood"--when you're at home with nothing to do, where are you at mentally and emotionally? What do you notice in yourself? (Note, this is not a mood you inhabit "frequently", but your psychological baseline). Mentally I'm inside my head always thinking of something be it making mental lists of things or thinking up stories or situations. Emotionally it depends on what's going on. I do deal with depression and anxiety and if it's a bad mental health day then my thoughts are more melancholic and fatalistic. Either way I'm usually in constant thought, it's just the subjects change.
I do constantly zone out. I did it today and had to explain there was nothing that had caught my attention at the window, I just was in deep thought. This happens a lot.

2. Describe yourself--
a. What's it like to be you? I'm imaginative, ditzy, moody. I'm not as idealistic as I used to be.
b. What have others said about you? That I'm thoughtful, creative, open-minded, anxious, indecisive, and that I'm sensitive in both good and bad ways.
c. What do you think of yourself? I'm very hard on myself so it's hard to think up good things other than I love being creative and make an effort to be thoughtful. I get very annoyed with myself with being flaky, forgetful, and a worry wart.

3. What are the issues you've dealt with in life? List some recurrent themes, and tell us a little about each one.
Being too trusting - it's put me in harm's way quite a lot in the past.
Lack of self esteem - Lack of self worth led to being a doormat and letting very bad people into my life.
Fearful- I was a very scared child. It was easy to distress me.


4. You're not good at everything--
a. What personality traits and/or ways of being are impossible for you to adopt? Being decisive. Finishing stories, art, basically seeing things through. Being patient.
b. What are qualities you'd like to have, but can't seem to develop? Patience. I'm not good at being assertive with people either. No matter how hard I try to work on that.

5. Why have you left friends and other relationships in the past and/or why have they left you?
Mainly it's from drifting apart or being too different.
6. Which types do you identify with most?
9,6,4,2,3
a. How do you relate to these types?
9- avoids conflict and works towards peaceful surroundings, 6- worry wart queen and the occasional rebel princess, 4 - individualism, 2 - uber need to love and help others, 3- determined as fu** and a bit image obsessed due to being raised by image obsessed people.
b. How do you NOT relate to them?
9- I'm a bit too blunt and bossy, 6- I'm a very anxious and cautious person but obsessed with security. 4- I'm not that emo XD. Kidding. I would suppress my views to keep from causing controversy. 2- I'm not the caregiving type and if someone uses me as a doormat it's not for long, 3 - I have ambitious ideas but I lack on following through with them. I feel if I have a 3 in my type then it's a wing and nothing else.
7. Which types are least like you? 1, 7
a. Why specifically do you not relate to these types? 1- I'm not someone who's driven by duty. I do feel morally obligated to do some things but it's not my passion. 7- I'm not a thrill seeker. I'm a bit too cautious for that.
b. What points (if any) DO you relate to?
I believe either 1 or 7 could possibly be wings. There's bits I relate to but not remotely enough to think they are main types.
8. They claim enneagram type is a hidden love need. What are your attitudes toward finding love?
It's what I ultimately seek in all its forms. I yearn for it and love to give it.
9. What is the message your superego tells you?

Consider a time when you felt poorly about yourself--this means your ego (i.e. YOU) is receiving negative feedback from your superego. Write a conversation between the two of them--what is your superego telling you about how to be? (Note: this obviously is very personal and may be better done privately. Report your findings).
There's a lot of expletives and negativity. I can be quite brutal with myself.

For the following, rank the issues in the order they apply and give a brief description of why and how you relate.

10. Determine your ego ideal--the way you strive to be and want others to perceive you. (Note, you may be consciously aware of failing at this, and you will be hard on yourself if you do. If someone else tells you you're NOT this way, it may make you feel hurt, violated, or angry.)

Which of the following ideals resonate with you the most, and why? Rank them.
- to strive to become/behave like a good person
- to be "okay", having it together
- to be devoted and loyal to a person or cause
- to be sensitive, original, unique, and creative
- to be accomplished and successful
- to be a loveable person
- to be loving and benevolent
- to be knowlegeable
- to be powerful, strong, unassailable.

11. Determine your "felt sense" of life. To do this it may help to look at how you perceive events. Another way to do this is to look back at your childhood and think of all the things your parents did to you. How did you/do you feel about these events?

- I have felt weak and/or vulnerable to attack
- I feel imperfect, not (good) enough
- I have been abandoned and I am inherently flawed
12. Core fears. You may have been aware of these fears even as a very small child, before anyone did anything to influence it. You'd be mortified to be in this position or have others perceive you this way.

Discuss which fears have played the greatest role in your life:
- Rejection, being needy, and not being loved
- Weak and not being on top of things
- Failure
- Being abandoned, sadness, feeling lost

I would say 9w8, but with a Compliant personality disposition. 9w8 6w5 4w3 tritype.

 

[Mal12345]

"Consider a time when you felt poorly about yourself--this means your ego (i.e. YOU) is receiving negative feedback from your superego. Write a conversation between the two of them--what is your superego telling you about how to be? (Note: this obviously is very personal and may be better done privately. Report your findings)."

I don't see how a person is supposed to answer this one in private and yet report the findings. The question is too Freudian anyway. Is this the 19th century? Nice job the way they defined ego as "you." I've known people who didn't seem to have an ego, does that mean they didn't exist?

 

[Mal12345]

I changed my mind a bit after reading some more of the OP. It was a long read, but not a case of tl;dr. It just takes time to sort through.

 

[Mal12345]

Have you determined your "problem emotion"? (Fear, shame, or anger.)

You may already be aware of this; In which case, I sincerely apologize. However, if not, the problem emotion is the emotion of the three that is most prominent in your behavior. Seeing as how that's so, discovering it could make typing yourself much easier. Also, there's the whole description on how each type handles the aforementioned problem emotion. That being:

Problem Emotion, Anger:
8 - Externalizes anger.
9 - Represses anger.
1 - Internalizes anger.

Problem Emotion, Shame:
2 - Externalizes shame.
3 - Represses shame.
4 - Internalizes shame.

Problem Emotion, Fear:
5 - Externalizes fear.
6 - Represses fear.
7 - Internalizes fear.

Anyway, that's how I began looking to my Enneagram type. I've figured out my entire trifix, which is 9w1, 2w1, 5w6, but that's another note.

What's the difference between internalizing and repressing?

Would the statements "There's a lot of expletives and negativity. I can be quite brutal with myself" be an example of internalizing anger?

 

[Rouskyrie]

What's the difference between internalizing and repressing? Would the statements "There's a lot of expletives and negativity. I can be quite brutal with myself" be an example of internalizing anger?

Seeing as how the internalization of anger is essentially directing it onto yourself, such as in the form of harsh self-criticism, I would say so.
Where as repression differs in that the emotion is avoided, such as not admitting to being angry, yet displaying a symbol of anger in the form of passive-aggressiveness, since sometimes what is repressed may inevitably leak out.

 

[sardonic delight]

Have you determined your "problem emotion"? (Fear, shame, or anger.)

You may already be aware of this; In which case, I sincerely apologize. However, if not, the problem emotion is the emotion of the three that is most prominent in your behavior. Seeing as how that's so, discovering it could make typing yourself much easier. Also, there's the whole description on how each type handles the aforementioned problem emotion. That being:

Problem Emotion, Anger:
8 - Externalizes anger.
9 - Represses anger.
1 - Internalizes anger.

Problem Emotion, Shame:
2 - Externalizes shame.
3 - Represses shame.
4 - Internalizes shame.

Problem Emotion, Fear:
5 - Externalizes fear.
6 - Represses fear.
7 - Internalizes fear.

Anyway, that's how I began looking to my Enneagram type. I've figured out my entire trifix, which is 9w1, 2w1, 5w6, but that's another note.

Anger with fear trailing close behind. I repress anger and externalize fear.

 

[Mal12345]

Anger with fear trailing close behind. I repress anger and externalize fear.

"There's a lot of expletives and negativity. I can be quite brutal with myself." Sorry, that's not repression.

 

[Mal12345]

Have you determined your "problem emotion"? (Fear, shame, or anger.)

You may already be aware of this; In which case, I sincerely apologize. However, if not, the problem emotion is the emotion of the three that is most prominent in your behavior. Seeing as how that's so, discovering it could make typing yourself much easier. Also, there's the whole description on how each type handles the aforementioned problem emotion. That being:

Problem Emotion, Anger:
8 - Externalizes anger.
9 - Represses anger.
1 - Internalizes anger.

Problem Emotion, Shame:
2 - Externalizes shame.
3 - Represses shame.
4 - Internalizes shame.

Problem Emotion, Fear:
5 - Externalizes fear.
6 - Represses fear.
7 - Internalizes fear.

Anyway, that's how I began looking to my Enneagram type. I've figured out my entire trifix, which is 9w1, 2w1, 5w6, but that's another note.

6 - Represses fear. Isn't that the counter-phobic 6?

 

[Mal12345]

"The two most common forms of unhealthy anger are internalized anger and externalized anger. Internalized anger is anger that is bottled up and not expressed. Externalized anger is anger that is expressed in a disrespectful, aggressive, and sometimes even dangerous manner." Stop Anger From Destroying Your Health | The Dr. Oz Show

Dr. Oz is correct.

Getting angry with oneself is a form of expressing anger, but it's expressed toward the self. Internalizing anger keeps it bottled up, under control, and just below the conscious level. Sometimes this form of anger will be displaced onto others. For example, a woman where I work described to us a time when she was upset and angry about something for weeks. She knew on some level that she was upset and angry, but while she managed to keep from exploding she had developed a tendency to snap at everybody. She kept doing this until she was informed by a supervisor that she was close to being fired for it.

Repression of anger occurs when it is completely blocked from conscious awareness. Gerri is the best example of that. She could not express anger even if she was threatened with death. But it made itself known in the form of migraines.

 

[sardonic delight]

"There's a lot of expletives and negativity. I can be quite brutal with myself." Sorry, that's not repression.

True. I wasn't thinking about the anger I hold towards myself. I was remembering past abuse (physical, verbal, psychological) and how my voice and anger was virtually silenced. Those situations formed a fear of back talk, among other things. You mentioned something about compliant personality disposition and I'm curious about that. What is exactly is that?

 

[Mal12345]

True. I wasn't thinking about the anger I hold towards myself. I was remembering past abuse (physical, verbal, psychological) and how my voice and anger was virtually silenced. Those situations formed a fear of back talk, among other things. You mentioned something about compliant personality disposition and I'm curious about that. What is exactly is that?

It means to seek merger with an ideal, as where you wrote, "to strive to become/behave like a good person."