Born as one type but morphed into another due to childhood stressors?

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Hi All,

This has been discussed so often in typology on this Board: the possibility of being born one type and changing types along the way, making for odd cognitive functions and enneagram combinations. I have an old theory on a thread here Typology Thoughts, stating that under stress, the dom or aux function will morph and change attitudes, becoming introverted (usually) or extraverted when it was in fact supposed to be the other attitude.

For example, If you were supposed to be an ENFP, your dominant function would be Ne and your aux function would be Fi. If, however, under the influence of neglect or abuse, our intuition was not allowed extraverted room to grow, it might become instead introverted, or Ni. Therefore, your personality might manifest in the world more as Ni/Fi (like Mole on here, as a classic example), giving you and odd flavor of type.

Confounding this would be enneagram and instinct nature. So an intended natural ENFP could manifest as INFJ (because the dom function is more closely aligned with INFJ, Ni), but perhaps have an enneagram supportive of the more intrinsic nature, 7w8 SX/SO.

I had originally theorized that the dom function would be the last to change, and that the aux function might be the first to give way to external stressors, but now I am not so sure about that. Since the dominant function is relied on mostly that first 7 years of life, or so, if the major traumas occurred in that time period, it serves to reason that the dominant function would be the most affected. In summation, the function most affected might be the function being predominantly developed at the time of the trauma, or stress.

Interestingly, perhaps the enneagram instinct is more deep-seated and more difficult to change than our cognitive functions. So if we are in a conundrum about figuring out our type, if we can really get a handle on our enneagram fix, then we can be pointed in the right direction of our original cognitive processes given to us at birth.

 

[grey_beard]

Hi All,

This has been discussed so often in typology on this Board: the possibility of being born one type and changing types along the way, making for odd cognitive functions and enneagram combinations. I have an old theory on a thread here Typology Thoughts, stating that under stress, the dom or aux function will morph and change attitudes, becoming introverted (usually) or extraverted when it was in fact supposed to be the other attitude.

For example, If you were supposed to be an ENFP, your dominant function would be Ne and your aux function would be Fi. If, however, under the influence of neglect or abuse, our intuition was not allowed extraverted room to grow, it might become instead introverted, or Ni. Therefore, your personality might manifest in the world more as Ni/Fi (like Mole on here, as a classic example), giving you and odd flavor of type.

Confounding this would be enneagram and instinct nature. So an intended natural ENFP could manifest as INFJ (because the dom function is more closely aligned with INFJ, Ni), but perhaps have an enneagram supportive of the more intrinsic nature, 7w8 SX/SO.

I had originally theorized that the dom function would be the last to change, and that the aux function might be the first to give way to external stressors, but now I am not so sure about that. Since the dominant function is relied on mostly that first 7 years of life, or so, if the major traumas occurred in that time period, it serves to reason that the dominant function would be the most affected. In summation, the function most affected might be the function being predominantly developed at the time of the trauma, or stress.

Interestingly, perhaps the enneagram instinct is more deep-seated and more difficult to change than our cognitive functions. So if we are in a conundrum about figuring out our type, if we can really get a handle on our enneagram fix, then we can be pointed in the right direction of our original cognitive processes given to us at birth.

I think this is very true. For example, I started out as an ESFP.

Full disclosure: what Enneagram *is* the ESFP?

 

[Cygnus]

Full disclosure: what Enneagram *is* the ESFP?

6, 7, and 8 are most common.

 

[highlander]

Hi All,

This has been discussed so often in typology on this Board: the possibility of being born one type and changing types along the way, making for odd cognitive functions and enneagram combinations. I have an old theory on a thread here Typology Thoughts, stating that under stress, the dom or aux function will morph and change attitudes, becoming introverted (usually) or extraverted when it was in fact supposed to be the other attitude.

For example, If you were supposed to be an ENFP, your dominant function would be Ne and your aux function would be Fi. If, however, under the influence of neglect or abuse, our intuition was not allowed extraverted room to grow, it might become instead introverted, or Ni. Therefore, your personality might manifest in the world more as Ni/Fi (like Mole on here, as a classic example), giving you and odd flavor of type.

Confounding this would be enneagram and instinct nature. So an intended natural ENFP could manifest as INFJ (because the dom function is more closely aligned with INFJ, Ni), but perhaps have an enneagram supportive of the more intrinsic nature, 7w8 SX/SO.

I had originally theorized that the dom function would be the last to change, and that the aux function might be the first to give way to external stressors, but now I am not so sure about that. Since the dominant function is relied on mostly that first 7 years of life, or so, if the major traumas occurred in that time period, it serves to reason that the dominant function would be the most affected. In summation, the function most affected might be the function being predominantly developed at the time of the trauma, or stress.

Interestingly, perhaps the enneagram instinct is more deep-seated and more difficult to change than our cognitive functions. So if we are in a conundrum about figuring out our type, if we can really get a handle on our enneagram fix, then we can be pointed in the right direction of our original cognitive processes given to us at birth.

This is an interesting theory. I have a different view. I think you'd have to separate enneagram from MBTI or cognitive function order systems first.

For Enneagram, there is some interesting stuff posted here that implies parenting does influence type:

Personality Types: Chilhood Scenarios for Enneatypes: Law of Three - Enneagram and Myers Briggs

I'm not sure if it's true but it is plausible.

On cognitive functions, I think the development of certain functions can become retarded because environmental influences. Generally, I think that if a particular cognitive function is valued and appreciated by others that it would contribute towards its development. You'd be encouraged to use it. It would be discouraged if others don't appreciate it. Introverted Intuition is not particularly appreciated in our culture, so it would not be surprising that it's development may not be encouraged. Extraverted intuition is a lot more common however and any child who is a dominant intuitive would likely run into others that use that function as well.

On MBTI, this chart shows that S types (SJ and SP) are a out 73.5% of the overall population

For women only, Ne doms are 11 % of the overall population (8% + 3%) as compared to 2% Ni doms (1.5% + .5%).

Frequency of Personality Types by Population & Gender

It doesn't make sense to me that one would develop a less common function than a more common function due to environmental influences unless that person had a very influential person in their life who used that relatively rare dominant function and valued it in others. Is that what you are getting at?

 

[cm81]

Would overt trauma in childhood really cause an entire shift in personality, or would it merely exaggerate the extreme complexities within that type?

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

This is an interesting theory. I have a different view. I think you'd have to separate enneagram from MBTI or cognitive function order systems first.

For Enneagram, there is some interesting stuff posted here that implies parenting does influence type:

Personality Types: Chilhood Scenarios for Enneatypes: Law of Three - Enneagram and Myers Briggs

I'm not sure if it's true but it is plausible.

On cognitive functions, I think the development of certain functions can become retarded because environmental influences. Generally, I think that if a particular cognitive function is valued and appreciated by others that it would contribute towards its development. You'd be encouraged to use it. It would be discouraged if others don't appreciate it. Introverted Intuition is not particularly appreciated in our culture, so it would not be surprising that it's development may not be encouraged. Extraverted intuition is a lot more common however and any child who is a dominant intuitive would likely run into others that use that function as well.

On MBTI, this chart shows that S types (SJ and SP) are a out 73.5% of the overall population

For women only, Ne doms are 11 % of the overall population (8% + 3%) as compared to 2% Ni doms (1.5% + .5%).

Frequency of Personality Types by Population & Gender

It doesn't make sense to me that one would develop a less common function than a more common function due to environmental influences unless that person had a very influential person in their life who used that relatively rare dominant function and valued it in others. Is that what you are getting at?

You must not understand neglect. Neglect is traumatizing because it is being completely ignored and denied even when you are literally crying for help. Since children's brains cannot comprehend life yet, or reason well, they must compensate by switching their brains into other patterns and ways of being. Those with intelligence do best with this because they must have more access to more of their brain, and can hide within and amongst it.

It is my developing theory that those who are neglected are more likely to go inward, especially at the young ages when they can do nothing else! This would bring about the nurturing of introverted functions, and what is the function most likely to introvert? The dominant function at play in the person/child. In my case, that was likely N. For others it could be S, T, or F.

OTOH, those who suffer from abuse or over attachment, might be more likely to extravert their functions in some way. Creating an outlet for that exrta attention or energy coming their way which they cannot process. Again, I'm talking about this as a HEALTHY coping mechanism for unhealthy activities against a helpless human being. Those who do not have the brain capacity to develop alternative pathways for chronic or severe traumatic events, would somehow build it up and plot a way to get it out in the future. Therein lies your citizens who develop APD, etc. (but that is the topic on another thread).

I'm thinking of all this process as a predominantly autonomous one. It is something that happens in the brain of the person independent of their desires or the desires of those around them. It is an untoward consequence of severe abuse or neglect. [Of course, a case could be made for the unusual and weird instances of intentional abuse or neglect causing a particular organic manifestation in the victim. But again, that is beyond the scope of this thread, and not what I am talking about.]

Would overt trauma in childhood really cause an entire shift in personality, or would it merely exaggerate the extreme complexities within that type?

Yes, of course, it could. Both. I think you would have the underlying core person and personality, but overlying that would be alternative cognitive processes and beliefs and even separate personalities (in the case of severe dissociative disorders). It would take time and introspection to uncover those hidden parts of the person, locked deep within the brain. And mostly, soul.

 

[highlander]

You must not understand neglect. Neglect is traumatizing because it is being completely ignored and denied even when you are literally crying for help. Since children's brains cannot comprehend life yet, or reason well, they must compensate by switching their brains into other patterns and ways of being. Those with intelligence do best with this because they must have more access to more of their brain, and can hide within and amongst it.

It is my developing theory that those who are neglected are more likely to go inward, especially at the young ages when they can do nothing else! This would bring about the nurturing of introverted functions, and what is the function most likely to introvert? The dominant function at play in the person/child. In my case, that was likely N. For others it could be S, T, or F.

I'm not sure if it's right, with respect to cognitive functions per se but but this is an interesting theory. Extraverts (like ENFPs) have higher interaction needs as children and when they have two introverted parents for example will tend to feel neglected.

Maybe it would be helpful to look at a very extreme example. - say the horrible things that happened in Romanian orphanages. There were definite impacts on how the "circuits" developed in the children that were neglected.

Romanian orphans subjected to deprivation must now deal with dysfunction - The Washington Post

The children in these institutions had:
- incidences of lower IQ
- higher incidence of ADHD
- higher levels of anxiety
- attachment disorders
- problems in interpersonal relationships

This is a moving documentary about someone who went back. The Journey Home: A Romanian Adoption | Watch Documentaries Online | Promote Documentary Film.

 

[Galena]

I don't have any comment on the theory, but as for the thread title, I know that feel. It's not as easy for me to type in MBTI, but the question isn't "who am I?". It's "which one?".

The system is more static than enneagram in its descriptions, without much information on how types can change over time.

 

[senza tema]

This is an interesting theory. I have a different view. I think you'd have to separate enneagram from MBTI or cognitive function order systems first.

For Enneagram, there is some interesting stuff posted here that implies parenting does influence type:

Personality Types: Chilhood Scenarios for Enneatypes: Law of Three - Enneagram and Myers Briggs

I'm not sure if it's true but it is plausible.

Kinda off topic, it's plausible but I don't think it's true.

Like, just look at the write up on the 7 from your link:

Active child vs. Responsive parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 7

The demands and concerns of the Active child are usually received with benevolence and a supportive, encouraging attitude. This creates a tolerant environment in which the child can express himself openly and receive attention without much effort from his part. The Active child becomes self-confident, carefree and expects his interactions to be positive and favorable to his needs. The Responsive parent is sympathetic and loving, thus stimulating the child's playful, self-expressive side and giving him a good deal of personal freedom.

This childhood scenario promotes a cheerful, optimistic type who knows how to charm and manipulate others into easily getting his way. Entertaining and expressive, such a child may later expect instant gratification for all his needs and desires and avoid investing time and effort into long-term goals.

That doesn't explain the development of a neurosis at all. It sounds like a normal, happy childhood and doesn't come close to explaining why 7s constantly feel that their needs will never be met or that they'll never be taken care of.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

The Night I Became an INTP?

It occurred to me today as I was walking my dog that I am living a parallel life to my childhood, after my parent's divorce. As I walked through the park with my black dog (the dog of my childhood looked remarkably like my dog now, I just realized) in near solitude, the parallel could not be avoided. I think it came in light of the fact that I blogged about my childhood on my "Is AGA and INTP" thread yesterday. The other catalyst for this line of thinking is that I changed my signature before I took my dog for a walk. You can see I feel like I am (and cognitive function tests I have taken in the past have corroborated it), Ni/Ti/Fe/Ne. If you look at it and consider it, it's like I am an infj (Ni/Fe) morphed with an intp (Ti/Ne)... I did not start resuming the development of my Fe until college days, around the time I met my ex. But I don't even think he was married to the one who has my Christian name. I have never liked, or identified with, my Christian name.

I had stated in that post that I did not remember my parents' fighting, but only remembered the night my mother left. If was a horrendous night that I do not like to think much about. But it occurred to me today as I was walking my black dog that maybe I was born that night...

I know it sounds crazy and I am going to pray and plead with this forum to have kindness and love toward me here. I have been enamored with the idea that some of my attractions may have DID or DDNOS, even to the point of obsession, but I never really seriously considered I did. I know, and have accepted this past year that I have 'other sides' to me, even having other names and acknowledge that they exert control over me at various times in my life, but for some reason, actually considering that the one in control now was born, or brought into being, the night my mother left, is pretty profound and intense for me to consider.

Of course, I am filled with doubt and denial. Dissociative identity disorder happens to people who have REALLY been abused, like physically or sexually. I have not (that I know of). I wonder if I have not just taken on other people's issues so much out of empathy or sympathy, that I think I have mulitple personalities too. I was neglected and my mother was harsh, that is all I know. Yet, in considering myself in this new light, I wonder if I just don't have access to those memories.? I did test INTP via the offical mbti test, and I did have an interview about it which made it all feel very legitimate and accurate. I do not have memories of childhood, only pictures. I hate the Christian name I was given. I have to go by it, but I have always disliked it. And when my intimates use it, I feel a mixture of annoyance and discomfort because they know that isn't me (or should?).

My sister says I was always analyzing everything, which points to Ti, but this of course would be the 'me' that was in existence as an older child, after the night in question. She remembers stuff that I have no inkling of, and is 5 years older than me. I really draw a serious blank on my childhood before middle school. I can summon some memories of mom being in our house, but it is probably they are all memories of her visiting after she had actually moved out. Furthermore, I have always been attracted to guys much younger than me, like around 10 years, give or take. I cannot remember the exact date my mother left. It was either 2nd grade or 3rd grade. I would have been 7 to 9 years old, which is purportedly the age kids stop being able to dissociate into a new personality. I tried to research it but can't find it right now, but that might be only if they had not already dissociated.... Of course, if this is true, I could have even already formed other personalities before this. Sfp says being Fe is very difficult for children in traumatic environments.

Again, I don't feel like my childhood was bad enough to warrant dissociation to the degree necessary to create new personalities in myself. Yet I can not ignore all the signs that point to that very possibility anymore. God is not telling me much about it all yet, except He did confirm when I had these insights before (described in my song of mary blog), and today when I asked Him about it, He said that it (that time period) was more than I could handle. This gives me further insight into dissociative disorders and other disorders: they are God's way of protecting us in our minds.


Is this likely? Or not?

Does anyone have any personal experience with this, or have it? I don't think it is shameful or should be kept a secret myself. I grew up in an environment where we had to keep secrets for my mom (who is seeing a married man), and I am loathe to ever live like that again. Also, up to 3% of the population have this, so it isn't that rare. It is more rare for me to be an infj than to have a real dissociative disorder.

 

[SearchingforPeace]

I believe long term abuse or neglect can scar people. I have been told so by a neurologist, which is why abuse is bad and bullying (including verbal abuse, relationship abuse, and cyberbullying) leaves life long wounds.

I tested as a ISTP at 18, 22, and 25 on the official MBTI. I am not and have never been one really... I just was scarred from emotional neglect by my parents, especially my mother, my father's avoidance, and my brother's emotional and verbal and relationship abuse. I was ready to be codependent.

I can see now how and why I closed myself off to pain. Consciously, I was a concrete thinker, an introverted problem solver. Unconsciously, I still acted as a ENFJ. Everything I did screamed ENFJ. My superego just hid it from me.

I don't believe I had an alternative personality, just imperfect thinking. I was able to do all the tasks of life pretty well, except I had a repressed sense of something being very wrong, and experienced a lot of depression and anxiety.

Similarly, my ISFP wife was scarred by childhood trauma. She tried to transform herself into a ESTJ, super competent and put together, but she fails at all the ESTJ things like planning, organizing, leading, delegating, etc. She still is trapped in that mindset, that ego construct, but she seems to be very slowly healing.

My mother in law, a ISFP, disassociated during her abusive childhood and trauma. She fights urges to kill herself to this day She acted like a bad version of a ESTJ until she had her hysterectomy and got on meds at midlife. She never did therapy and so still isn't healthy, but she is functional.

She has talked about her days as a young mother, angry, nasty, and controlling. She says she felt so out of control and lost that she needed to grab hold of control in order to function.

Trauma, abuse, and neglect hurt people until then heal. Healing, from my experience is very hard..... I hope to be done one day.....

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

I believe long term abuse or neglect can scar people. I have been told so by a neurologist, which is why abuse is bad and bullying (including verbal abuse, relationship abuse, and cyberbullying) leaves life long wounds.

I tested as a ISTP at 18, 22, and 25 on the official MBTI. I am not and have never been one really... I just was scarred from emotional neglect by my parents, especially my mother, my father's avoidance, and my brother's emotional and verbal and relationship abuse. I was ready to be codependent.

I can see now how and why I closed myself off to pain. Consciously, I was a concrete thinker, an introverted problem solver. Unconsciously, I still acted as a ENFJ. Everything I did screamed ENFJ. My superego just hid it from me.

I don't believe I had an alternative personality, just imperfect thinking. I was able to do all the tasks of life pretty well, except I had a repressed sense of something being very wrong, and experienced a lot of depression and anxiety.

Similarly, my ISFP wife was scarred by childhood trauma. She tried to transform herself into a ESTJ, super competent and put together, but she fails at all the ESTJ things like planning, organizing, leading, delegating, etc. She still is trapped in that mindset, that ego construct, but she seems to be very slowly healing.

My mother in law, a ISFP, disassociated during her abusive childhood and trauma. She fights urges to kill herself to this day She acted like a bad version of a ESTJ until she had her hysterectomy and got on meds at midlife. She never did therapy and so still isn't healthy, but she is functional.

She has talked about her days as a young mother, angry, nasty, and controlling. She says she felt so out of control and lost that she needed to grab hold of control in order to function.

Trauma, abuse, and neglect hurt people until then heal. Healing, from my experience is very hard..... I hope to be done one day.....

Okay, thank you. It is pretty common in some families, huh.


For me, I am functional. I have memories of most of my adult life and I've never had memory losses, at least nothing that has been glaring. If I do indeed have multiple personalities, they come and go easily and without me even noticing.

However, I am having increasing awareness that my core child is sleeping. The one who would have had my Christian name. Interestingly, I find myself wanting to rest a LOT lately, like I am constantly in my bed in this 'deep space' place, like I am waiting for something. I am not depressed. I am at peace. It is just this waiting sort of peace and calm, sometimes with an air of resignation. I wonder if this side of me isn't being slightly awakened in that I am at least aware of this sleeping side of me now.

It all sounds very crazy.

Also, it doesn't make sense that I wouldn't live in that place anymore at all. I would think coming and going would be most likely. Not leaving for good. A personality, I mean.

 

[1487610420]

 

[SearchingforPeace]

Okay, thank you. It is pretty common in some families, huh.


For me, I am functional. I have memories of most of my adult life and I've never had memory losses, at least nothing that has been glaring. If I do indeed have multiple personalities, they come and go easily and without me even noticing.

However, I am having increasing awareness that my core child is sleeping. The one who would have had my Christian name. Interestingly, I find myself wanting to rest a LOT lately, like I am constantly in my bed in this 'deep space' place, like I am waiting for something. I am not depressed. I am at peace. It is just this waiting sort of peace and calm, sometimes with an air of resignation. I wonder if this side of me isn't being slightly awakened in that I am at least aware of this sleeping side of me now.

It all sounds very crazy.

Also, it doesn't make sense that I wouldn't live in that place anymore at all. I would think coming and going would be most likely. Not leaving for good. A personality, I mean.

Your inner child exists and needs love and nurturing. A year ago I would have laughed at the idea, but I can now easily look in the mirror and see my inner child expressed on my face. When I focus on it, my entire countenance changes. I look like a young child instead of a 45 year old man. I comfort and soothe myself. At some people I hope I no longer see my inner child, because the merging will be complete and integration will occur.


My wife will occasionally adopt the countenance, voice, mannerisms, cadence, and attitude of a young girl, approximately age 13. She does disassociate during episodes, and doesn't remember what she said even a few minutes later.

My BIL, who doesn't remember his childhood (neither do his two siblings), has episodes followed by memory loss. He was diagnosed bipolar, but I believe might be something else.

So, nurture your inner child however you can. Love yourself, care for yourself, and be gentle.....

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Your inner child exists and needs love and nurturing. A year ago I would have laughed at the idea, but I can now easily look in the mirror and see my inner child expressed on my face. When I focus on it, my entire countenance changes. I look like a young child instead of a 45 year old man. I comfort and soothe myself. At some people I hope I no longer see my inner child, because the merging will be complete and integration will occur.


My wife will occasionally adopt the countenance, voice, mannerisms, cadence, and attitude of a young girl, approximately age 13. She does disassociate during episodes, and doesn't remember what she said even a few minutes later.

My BIL, who doesn't remember his childhood (neither do his two siblings), has episodes followed by memory loss. He was diagnosed bipolar, but I believe might be something else.

So, nurture your inner child however you can. Love yourself, care for yourself, and be gentle.....

Thank you. I would say the same to someone.


But my inner child is going to stay asleep until someone 'else' awakens her. Otherwise, there is no point. I am fine like I am. I am happy, pretty healthy, and surviving.

And the thought keeps coming to me that I might have made a pretty good enfj, as much as I hate the thought of all that Fe...

 

[SearchingforPeace]

Thank you. I would say the same to someone.


But my inner child is going to stay asleep until someone 'else' awakens her. Otherwise, there is no point. I am fine like I am. I am happy, pretty healthy, and surviving.

And the thought keeps coming to me that I might have made a pretty good enfj, as much as I hate the thought of all that Fe...

To be happy and complete, we need to maximize our functions.

In Biblical terms, I would reference the parable of the Talents. Will you double what you were given? Or bury it, becoming an unproductive servant?

Besides, undeveloped dom and aux functions come out unconsciously if we don't develop them. People in the forum see your Fe expressed constantly.... better to develop it and be your true self with maximum usage of your talents....

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Oh, I think I am doing pretty well as I am.

But thanks for your contribution.

 

[entropie]

Maybe one has to separate: loving other types, doesnt make you the type. That can get you confused.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Meh. I talked to my lovely sister tonight and took a trip down memory lane. I do have a few memories of when my mom was still living at home.

I remember sitting at the kitchen table for dinner together once(while the tv stayed on)

I remember my mom bringing homemade cupcakes to my kindergarten class on a breadboard

i remember the time she left me at the house in the country while she rode horses in the pasture



But most of my memories are post-separation. But if I was 7-8 at that time, it makes sense I can't remember much, right? I mean, most people can't remember much before 8 I'd imagine. My childhood wasn't so bad, but maybe it was hard enough that I forced functions which wouldn't normally have developed, etc.

I would suspect any alter personalities would be due more to this and less due to dissociation and creation of new personas. Anyway, if I did, it hasn't caused me problems so it doesn't really matter anyway. I'm just glad I didn't have it worse, and am thankful for the parents I did have.

 

[entropie]

Meh. I talked to my lovely sister tonight and took a trip down memory lane. I do have a few memories of when my mom was still living at home.

I remember sitting at the kitchen table for dinner together once(while the tv stayed on)

I remember my mom bringing homemade cupcakes to my kindergarten class on a breadboard

i remember the time she left me at the house in the country while she rode horses in the pasture



But most of my memories are post-separation. But if I was 7-8 at that time, it makes sense I can't remember much, right? I mean, most people can't remember much before 8 I'd imagine. My childhood wasn't so bad, but maybe it was hard enough that I forced functions which wouldn't normally have developed, etc.

I would suspect any alter personalities would be due more to this and less due to dissociation and creation of new personas. Anyway, if I did, it hasn't caused me problems so it doesn't really matter anyway. I'm just glad I didn't have it worse, and am thankful for the parents I did have.

Are you in a relationship at the moment ?