Life story (LONG READ)

[nasalalley]

I’ve decided to write open prompt because there are few questionnaires, and many of the questions are easy to manipulate. The last thing I want to do is let my biases for Ti and Ni force me to mislead you all as I’ve done before.

So where do I began? Do I dig into my clouded memories and attempt to drag out a flimsy snippet? (See, right there I tried to play down Si, but in truth I am not a databank of detailed sensations, mostly because my mind wanders and I have trouble concentrating — is this Ne or an attention problem?) I suppose the best thing would be to reference home movies. My whole life I’ve played things up for other people (not trying to be obvious Fe, but I do sincerely feel as if I’ve played a role or done things just to get a reaction) and it shows in the home movies. There are only three I recall, simply because they are so embarrassing to watch that it’s hard to forget. I’ve never thought I would tell anyone about these situations, but here it goes.

Real quick, let me say that I loved the camera. (How do I know that? No idea, but even to this day I pretend to hate attention when at times it validates me.) When the camera was on me, I’d act foolish. The first video is my younger brother’s birthday (not sure how old he was, but he was young enough not to talk much). Was I jealous that he was receiving all the attention? Not sure, but in the video I spoke to him in a put on high-pitched voice. When he opened a present I’d say “ [brother’s name] that’s soooooo coooool. Oh wooooow.” I think I picked up the baby talk from a relative, but it’s hard to imagine this was me being myself. It seemed like I just couldn’t shut up in that video; I was very annoying.

The second video is me running around a pool, patting my ass while pretending to ride a horse, while shouting “ride em’ bullseye!” For emphasis: THE. WHOLE. VIDEO. I suppose Toy Story 2 was the influence.

The third video is me in a kiddy pool. The adults were in the big pool (was it a circular, above ground kind?), but I was too little. When the camera came in my direction, I dipped my hand in the water, licked my hand, and said something along the lines of “yucky yucky nipple sucky.” I have no idea what that was about, but I do remember that for as long as I can recall, I’ve always hated being treated as a child; saying those types of things may have been a rebellion. I knew when adults talked down to me, and I hated the hierarchy (and I’ve not trying to sway you guys to say that I have inferior Te).

Another strange thing is that I wasn’t potty trained until the day before kindergarten. I’m not sure if I had actual trouble going, or if it was an attention thing I played up.

As for school, my mother told me “be friends with everyone” (terrible advice; I think she meant “get along with everyone”). She instilled this idea in my head, that I’d need to get along with everyone. I’m not sure how she did it, but throughout my school career I always tried to be friendly with everyone. However, I would often say strange, inappropriate things and make esoteric references/jokes. Sometimes I did these things on purpose, but other times I just didn’t know what was right. Every friend I had either put me down because of my weight, or I let them take advantage of me because I was resolute to be kind. Now, as a student I didn’t try very hard to study near the end (starting around High School), but I always turned my work in on time, did what the teachers asked, and unfortunately became the pet to many.

In fourth grade, I had decided to be an extremely kind person. We had to play a game that started by taking as many skittles as we wanted. I took 5. So, when it turned out we had to answer a question for each, you get the idea. One of the questions was to answer the teacher’s age, and I guessed 25. Did I really think 25 or was I kissing ass? No idea, but when she read the answer she called me honey and gave me a handful of skittles. I was one of her favorite students, the favorites of two in sixth grade, admired by one in eight grade, the favorite of one in High School, and one or two in community college. (By CC I was tired of it. I mean, why do teachers have to act like my best friend simply because I do my work on time like all students are suppose to?)

Now, going backwards, there is something I want to touch on. There was a girl in HS I was interested in. You see, I live in a small hick town where self-respect is hard to come by. There was an average looking girl that could be considered pretty (kind of looked like Lauren Cohen in Season 1 of TWD). I remember just deciding to like her, just because she was snoody, hard-working and had an air of self-respect. The problem was I was a fat (still am), insecure (still am), effeminate (still am), moron who acted like Chris Farley on Cocaine in that class. I also had no idea how to be my own person and act appropriately. One day I had a friend who read some PUA books (I know…a total scam) help me message her on FB. She seemed to take kindly to the message, but later on I took initiative and my insecurity shone through. I sent her the music video of Wonderwall and all she could say was that the guy had weird eyebrows. Eventually, she told me she liked someone else and I told her I hope he breaks her heart. I haven’t like Wonderwall since, and me and her avoided each other for the rest of the year. I saw her in CC and we avoided each other once again. I actually had a dream the other night that we were together and I was happy. I’ve always been on the fence about a God, but in the dream I thought “this is evidence that God exists. This is fate.” Then I woke up. I’m a bit teary-eyed writing about this.

Speaking of how I write about this, none of this is pre-planned. I’m writing as I go (so don’t think the writing style is evidence for Ne. Ne does not always equal randomness), but as usual I took a break and walked around the house while listening to music that I don’t actually care for. It’s strange, but when I feel indignant I listen to stupid music (Every Girl by Young Money, Good Pussy by Papa Duck, etc. I don’t even care about rap, so this doesn’t make sense to me.) When I feel sad I listen to Shinji Ikari by Fightstar, or Bitch Don’t Kill My Vibe (the beat is very depressing to me). When I feel like acting a fool, I listen to strange music. Etc.

If I were to objectively analyze myself, I’d say that I’m a victim of learned helplessness. My mother sheltered me from the world, so I’ve pretty much avoided living life. Never had a gf, first date, first kiss, etc. My mom says I need to get laid but I really see the cons in pursuing such a relationship. See the terrible anime School Days for an extreme reference. I’m afraid that my whole life will be spent here, and yes I can find a job, save money and leave, but I just can’t. (Plus I’m stuck going for my B.A.) Also, I seem to display traits of aspergers, Schizotypal personality disorder (scored 100% on the Celebritytypes test), histrionic personality disorder (like my mother, although mine is a bit hidden as I work against it), and Borderline personality disorder. Not to say that I have any of these disorders, but I can relate to many of the traits. Sometimes I play it up. For example, I pretend to take things too literally. Or I pretend to fail to understand hidden implications. But I think it’s just to test my mother, and she is a not so observant ENFP/ESFJ. I think I do want something to be wrong with me so I can feel special or rare. For example, this is the reason for my Ni bias.

I’ve been to three therapists (different intervals of time) and the only one that knew anything said I have mild agoraphobia and that’s the only problem. But since he was recommended by a quack who thinks I have a serotonin deficiency which causes depression (despite the fact that no neuro scientists seem to agree, as they believe serotonin deficiency is linked to depression, and not a cause) then I can’t really trust him either.

I’ve known for a long time that I’ve wanted to tell stories, but it wasn’t until last year I’ve discovered the proper form to pursue: writing (I know none of this is well written, but I’m always rushing things as if I’m against the clock). I can’t seem to plan my book. I have a few ideas, and some for characters, but I just can’t find the energy to work it all out. And I can’t improvise a novel to save my life. This is because I often will re-read something, hate it, and then instead of modifying delete the whole thing. This is how I am. I need my book to contain more words than any other, and to be the best. When I play Civ 5, the game has to be perfect from the beginning or I get frustrated in restart. I’m that kind of guy. P.S. I use Rotten Tomatoes scores to dictate which movies I should watch.

I suppose the things I need to work on more than anything are: A) becoming more independent B) learning to focus and become motivated to get things done C) taking time out of my time wasting schedule to introspect D) try and read as much as I can, as I have a desire to have a mechanical mind.

Speaking of mechanical mind, I wish I was like Near from Death Note. This is another strange thing about me, I try to be fictional characters. When I had a period where I was fascinated by L Lawliet, I would try to sit like him and eat a lot of sweets. I’ve done things like this many times.

A fictional character I do relate to is that guy from Welcome to the NHK (he was typed as Fi in the show). We are both home bodies — I seriously do next to nothing, paranoid, and our mind has trouble staying in the moment (not trying to influence anyone that I have low Se, but I do hate sports and most physical activities).

When I walk around with music, I use my head to either create interpretive music videos, or sing with a group of fictional friends in the near future. When I was younger I use to listen to Your Love It Feels So Good and create Pokemon amvs within my head, before even knowing what an amv was.

As of today, I dislike most people, have trust issues, am paranoid and pessimistic.

I think I’ve covered just about everything. Thanks for reading. If you tl’dr, then I understand, but I’m still irked you feel the need to tell me.

 

[PocketFullOf]

ExxP. I've never met someone who uses parentheses more than me...until now (well I haven't really met you, have I, yet I feel like I know you. (sorry for the horrible joke)) <<< I HATE when people forget to close them out.

 

[nasalalley]

Interesting you typed me as an extrovert. It's possible that my current hermit state is the result of past scorn.

I HATE when people forget to close them out.

Yeah me too. Although I've probably forgotten once or twice.

 

[PocketFullOf]

Interesting you typed me as an extrovert. It's possible that my current hermit state is the result of past scorn.



Yeah me too. Although I've probably forgotten once or twice.

Could be. Admittedly I am more sure of the P. You just give me an extrovert vibe fore some reason. Your younger interactions with others I think.

 

[nasalalley]

Well, what about the functions? Isn't that the correct way to type?

 

[BlackDog]

You are not an SP. You are not SJ. You just aren't.

You sound most like an INTJ, to me. You don't have inferior Te, you have auxiliary Te. You are demonstrating tertiary Fi in telling us your life story. Also, in typing yourself you are playing tic-tac-toe against yourself; always you cannot trust yourself because you might be unconsciously biased and so on; this kind of awareness of your lack of ability to adequately explain yourself and the subsequent effort to use your head to deconstruct emotions is a very INTJ characteristic.

All through this story is an effort to impose logical explanations on your motivations for acting; at the same time it gets away from you; you realize that you actually don't know, so you provide 'it could be this or this or this' as the best substitute for an actual cause-and-effect explanation. Because you want cause-and-effect; you want to explain and deconstruct yourself rather than to experience the emotion and thus to directly know that way.

In your description of yourself you are always striving to get to the outside factual objective description; hence you use language that many would consider very harsh about yourself because you see it as the truth; you probably are more negative than you actually believe because you have probably observed that your opinion about these things fluctuates; you've tried to compensate for this by taking a more negative view over a more positive view because you've probably decided that the probabilities are on the side of the more negative view, although of course you can't actually know for sure . . .

You need to get out of your head; quit playing tic-tac-toe. Just in terms of advice, you didn't ask for it but I'll give it. You are seeking to impose order and rules upon Fi and your broader life. You seem to be trying to use Te to drag Fi out into the light so it can be deconstructed. That's pointless and depressing. The better strategy is to use Te to impose some order to your external world; Fi will naturally fall into line behind it. Just don't think of Fi, of the meaning of your experience. Instead, get out there and organize something meant to be organized!

" I’m afraid that my whole life will be spent here, and yes I can find a job, save money and leave, but I just can’t. (Plus I’m stuck going for my B.A.)"

You can. You are just not doing it. You are paralyzed with indecision, and are eating yourself up. Go work at Wal-Mart if nothing else. Seriously, you are a capable person who needs a good push into something productive.

The INTJ's weaknesses are Fi and Se. Read the Socionics description of INTJ (ILI in their conversion system) and see if it isn't you. Socionics is basically the negative version of MBTI; you might not identify with MBTI INTJ because it is way too positive for what the average INTJ is doing in life.

Socionics Types: ILI-INTp

Sorry for the long response; I'm actually only 60% sure of this typing, but it could be right. Give it a look.

 

[nasalalley]

Introverted intuition in ILIs is predominantly characterized by well developed imaginative abilities and mental wanderings. ILI often spend a great deal of time simply thinking and may spend excessive amounts of time in their mind. Most ILIs somehow manage to spend most of their time in their minds regardless of the responsibilities with which they are burdened. This mental focus can be manifest by reflecting on scenarios, on pondering bodies of information, and assorted concepts of interest. They may be prone to excessive day dreaming, in creation of intricate inner worlds or universes, or in mentally replaying elements of their own personal experience. ILIs may even have novelistic tendencies where they create intricate plots, characters, and places, though many ILIs may be generally unmotivated to display such creativity. However, ILIs are not always inclined to share their imaginative tendencies or thoughts with others.

ILIs place great importance on factual accuracy and a basic understanding of how things work. Their views and perceptions naturally take into account any new factual information. For this reason, ILI's are often characterized by a nagging and constant sense of doubt, contradiction, and misinformation. They tend to be rather skeptical of other people's positions, and even frequently tend to question their own position. In groups the ILI will often question the validity of information being exchanged. Likewise, ILIs sometimes use a mocking and aggressive tone if they believe that the information being presented is wrong or absurd. ILIs can also be scrupulous in removing errors in facts and statistical data, especially in undertakings that they consider as high priorities.

ILIs may differ significantly from Te dominant types in that they may not see it as critical to channel their energy on direct actions to achieve practical and societal gain, and indeed often do not even pursue the accumulation of new information very actively. ILIs may not directly associate their knowledge with any given purpose rather than to further their own understanding. They are also not very proactive at getting things done in the real world. While ILIs do recognize the necessity of gathering knowledge required for their day to day functioning -- forms, maps, directions -- they may develop a chronic habit of disinterestedly and lazily spurning such menial errands (especially if they need to physically talk to someone else to do something; it may be somewhat easier for them to simply do their errands if the relevant information merely requires looking up on the internet, or is otherwise easily accessible without bothering anyone).

ILIs are often uncertain about the messages that their own body sends them. An ILI might feel some irregularity in their own body and be unsure as to its significance in the overall functioning of the body. An ILI will seek to determine the consequence of such stimuli through their own understanding of the functioning of the human body -- often with minimal success at determining the true cause, and often blowing things significantly out of proportion. An ILI's sense of self doubt may lead to such assumptions as the presence of a brain tumor as the result of a mere headache. In contrast to Si types, ILIs are significantly less adept at making active adjustments to their lifestyle to correct these minor ailments.

ILIs are often characterized by their inertia. If left to their own devices, ILIs may choose to do relatively little to interact with the outside world. When they do interact with the outside world, ILIs often find their activities to be empty and unfulfilling. To ILIs, life is often characterized by periods of stimulation. For the ILI, however, true stimulation is often spontaneous, and interludes between periods of stimulation are often characterized by tedium, inertia, and apathy. ILIs are often not very adept at finding new areas of interest, and may seek to continue to reproduce past experiences instead of moving on to new things.

Though ILIs often have deep intellectual interests, they are likely to be relatively limited in the range of ideas that they consider. Whereas Ne leading types may jump from idea to idea in quick succession, ILIs are likely to focus more closely on a more limited batch of mental themes in their ruminations. ILIs are also often critical of new ideas which do not correspond to their overall understanding of a subject.

Wow, yeah. I relate a lot to this. It's strange to consider myself an INTJ since there are so many stereotypes surrounding the type. I've always thought of Te as a practical, no nonsense machine.

 

[BlackDog]

Wow, yeah. I relate a lot to this. It's strange to consider myself an INTJ since there are so many stereotypes surrounding the type. I've always thought of Te as a practical, no nonsense machine.

Just stereotypes. Lots of INTJs flock to MBTI because for obvious reasons it is a useful system for them. And people tend to glorify their strong points.

Te is a practical, no-nonsense machine when it is the dominant function, hence in control, or when it is serving another reality-based function like Si. Hence the ENTJ, ESTJ, ISTJ image. That can be the INTJ if they are 'on top of the world'. But if not, Te is serving Ni, and when Ni is not serving power fantasies (managerial stuff) or informational insights (science, programming?) it is just off in la la land. If you have no useful vision for your Ni, then a Ni dom will tend to just drift. Or so I think.

 

[PocketFullOf]

You are not an SP. You are not SJ. You just aren't.

You sound most like an INTJ, to me. You don't have inferior Te, you have auxiliary Te. You are demonstrating tertiary Fi in telling us your life story. Also, in typing yourself you are playing tic-tac-toe against yourself; always you cannot trust yourself because you might be unconsciously biased and so on; this kind of awareness of your lack of ability to adequately explain yourself and the subsequent effort to use your head to deconstruct emotions is a very INTJ characteristic.

All through this story is an effort to impose logical explanations on your motivations for acting; at the same time it gets away from you; you realize that you actually don't know, so you provide 'it could be this or this or this' as the best substitute for an actual cause-and-effect explanation. Because you want cause-and-effect; you want to explain and deconstruct yourself rather than to experience the emotion and thus to directly know that way.

In your description of yourself you are always striving to get to the outside factual objective description; hence you use language that many would consider very harsh about yourself because you see it as the truth; you probably are more negative than you actually believe because you have probably observed that your opinion about these things fluctuates; you've tried to compensate for this by taking a more negative view over a more positive view because you've probably decided that the probabilities are on the side of the more negative view, although of course you can't actually know for sure . . .

You need to get out of your head; quit playing tic-tac-toe. Just in terms of advice, you didn't ask for it but I'll give it. You are seeking to impose order and rules upon Fi and your broader life. You seem to be trying to use Te to drag Fi out into the light so it can be deconstructed. That's pointless and depressing. The better strategy is to use Te to impose some order to your external world; Fi will naturally fall into line behind it. Just don't think of Fi, of the meaning of your experience. Instead, get out there and organize something meant to be organized!

" I’m afraid that my whole life will be spent here, and yes I can find a job, save money and leave, but I just can’t. (Plus I’m stuck going for my B.A.)"

You can. You are just not doing it. You are paralyzed with indecision, and are eating yourself up. Go work at Wal-Mart if nothing else. Seriously, you are a capable person who needs a good push into something productive.

The INTJ's weaknesses are Fi and Se. Read the Socionics description of INTJ (ILI in their conversion system) and see if it isn't you. Socionics is basically the negative version of MBTI; you might not identify with MBTI INTJ because it is way too positive for what the average INTJ is doing in life.

Socionics Types: ILI-INTp

Sorry for the long response; I'm actually only 60% sure of this typing, but it could be right. Give it a look.

This is a much better analysis, I tend to agree.

 

[nasalalley]

Instead, get out there and organize something meant to be organized!

I'm not entirely sure what that means. One of the reasons I doubted having high Te is because of how messy my room is (I know that sounds idiotic). So when you say organize do you mean put things in alphabetical order or what? I can't help but think organize = clean and alphabetize.

 

[grey_beard]

ExxP. I've never met someone who uses parentheses more than me...until now (well I haven't really met you, have I, yet I feel like I know you. (sorry for the horrible joke)) <<< I HATE when people forget to close them out.

Don't EVER read any of my posts, then.

 

[Grand Admiral Crunch]

Extrovert for attention seeking
An extroverted thinker/introverted feeler for the reasons [MENTION=19765]LION4!5[/MENTION] said
Extraverted Intuition/Introverted Sensing for randomness, experimental/unconventional style of the post, reflectiveness, and the flow of the writing style

So, it is between ESTJ and ENFP. My guess is ENFP.

 

[BlackDog]

in the sun ruled a king of legendary prowess. he failed never to attain the lordship of the moonlit province. he hailed the victory of the uberman. the taxes were always collected on time.

 

[nasalalley]

I certainly didn't mean to sound desperate. And no, I do appreciate your advice. But at the same time I'm interested in getting my BA in Literature even though I'm sure it may not come in handy. But it is important for me that I learn everything I can about my chosen career field.

I was just wondering what it means to organize something. Especially for someone as messy as me.

If I use my Te, then I may have less trouble tapping into my Fi, which will come in handy for my writing.

 

[nasalalley]

Extrovert for attention seeking

I seek attention from my family, not strangers. As a matter of fact, I appear very distant in crowded places.

An extroverted thinker/introverted feeler for the reasons @LION4!5 said

Agreed.

Extraverted Intuition/Introverted Sensing for randomness

Any type with any dominant function can be random.

experimental/unconventional style of the post

If anything, wouldn't Si be conventional?

reflectiveness

I'm less reflective than most people.

and the flow of the writing style

Stream of consciousness.

 

[BlackDog]

I certainly didn't mean to sound desperate. And no, I do appreciate your advice. But at the same time I'm interested in getting my BA in Literature even though I'm sure it may not come in handy. But it is important for me that I learn everything I can about my chosen career field.

I was just wondering what it means to organize something. Especially for someone as messy as me.

If I use my Te, then I may have less trouble tapping into my Fi, which will come in handy for my writing.

I was responding to the unfair reputation comment someone else made about me. Not you. So forget what I said before.

Organizing something is just having a way of thinking about it as an observer or also as a craftsman reshaping it vs. a participant experiencing it. At its most basic level. It doesn't have to translate into action always.

 

[nasalalley]

Considering it's a thinking function I should've figured that out a long time ago. I suppose the source of my confusion is a lack of understanding of the functions. I certainly use Te in my day to day life. Thanks for your help.

 

[Luke O]

I don't tend to go on the individual functions. Sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees.

Firstly, and dude you may know this already, I think you should go see a better doctor to talk about mental health issues. You sound like you're desperately trying to get your life on track (which I think you can do) but still see if you can get another opinion. It may not just be depression.

I read the story and the xNxP stands out quite clearly. Going deep into the functions in that much of a calculated way suggests thinking over feeling. I'm also a thinker yet sometimes dark thoughts can make me feel more than I want to. Writing at length has nothing to do with I/E but it is what you say that's important, and you come across as maybe someone who speaks their mind without refining it first? I'm going to break convention with whatever others have said and go ENTP.

 

[Nasalaley]

Could you give specific examples as to where you see Ne and/or Ti? Whether you like the functions or not, that is the correct way to type.