The eternal T/F struggle, please help me out

[Surr]

I'm kind of unsure about my type, I've done the test a million times and keep getting different results. I'm pretty sure I'm INxP, but the T/F is very blurred. Also, if you've got other ideas besides those two, I'm always happy to listen.

Personal concepts

1. What is beauty? What is love?
- Beauty is a subjective concept of what people find desirable and valuable. In my opinion loving someone is putting their needs before your own

2. What are your most important values?
- Knowledge/learning and harmony/peace

3. Do you have any sort of spiritual/religious beliefs, and why do you hold (or don't) those beliefs in the first place?
- I don't, though I consider myself agnostic. I'm not saying there can't be any higher power but I have yet to be convinced of the existence of any of the gods I know of

4. Opinion on war and militaries? What is power to you?
- Raw power such as an army, to me, is unappealing and I dislike the strict hierarchy between soldiers. On the other hand I like the security of having an army and being able to defend yourself

Interests

5. What have you had long conversations about? What are your interests? Why?
- I've had long convos about ethical things such as gay rights, women's rights, child abuse etc. but also about things that make me curious such as unexplained disappearances, creepypastas, urban legeds, deadly accidents, conspiracy theories and so forth. The more dark and disturbing the better. And then also about myself and about others, feelings and thoughts and all that stuff

6. Interested in health/medicine as a conversation topic? Are you focused on your body?
- Nope and nope, I just recently went through the effort to quit smoking and I'm prone to bing eating, drinking too much and spending long amounts of time sulking under my blanket staring at laptop screen

7. What do you think of daily chores?
- Sometimes get pumped and put everything in place and always feel proud of myself, usually I ignore chores though, just do the minimal possible amount. I've got my sink full of dirty dishes and dust in the corners at this very moment

8. Books or films you liked? Recently read/watched or otherwise. Examples welcome.
- My favourites include Requiem for a Dream, V for Vendetta, Eraserhead and Napoleon Dynamite. I'm also a Disney and Pixar maniac and watch the films while immensely missing my childhood. With books, I like surrealism mixed with reality, my favourite writers are John Irving and Haruki Murakami

9. What has made you cry? What has made you smile? Why?
- I always have very strong emotions and I usually have things build up inside me for a longer time. The trigger to get me crying, however, always comes from outside. It's usually a sad movie or song and once I start crying, I can cry and mope for half a day about everything I can come up with to feel upset about. Things that make me smile are just being cozy and warm and finding whatever I do that moment interesting

10. Where do you feel: at one with the environment/a sense of belonging?
- I live a lot inside my head and a lot of the time just ignore my environments, unless there's a reason not to. So I don't really feel at one with my environment anywhere, besides a few very rare moments when I've been with a close group of friends and we're having a good time

Evaluation & Behaviour

11. What have people seen as your weaknesses? What do you dislike about yourself?
- With people, their main issue with me is me being too reserved and sort of expecting people to see inside my head and then getting annoyed when I have to explain myself. They also see me as messy, procrastinating and complain that I get too absorbed and distracted when I find something of interest. I agree with those observations but also would add that I bash myself a lot and make myself feel guilty and that makes me afraid of taking on new challenges. I procrastinate with the excuse that I suck anyway and always will. Also, I'm very impulsive which is both good and bad. Bad mainly because I can't make plans and stick to them, I always end up doing things my own way, at my own pace, with lots of distractions.

12. What have people seen as your strengths? What do you like about yourself?
-I have been complimented of being smart (sometimes intelligent or clever but usually smart), creative, loyal and trustworthy. From the people who don't know me I usually get that I'm very nice and listen to what they have to say, from people who know me some but not on a very intimate level I hear that I'm fun to be around and very trustworthy. My closest people are the ones who call me smart, creative and fascinating. I would say that my biggest strengths are curiosity (which gives me knowledge) and the ability to understand other people, their emotions and opinions. I always try to find a way to understand. Also, I don't believe in bad people and will give every person a shot if they decide to approach me

13. In what areas of your life would you like help?
- Keeping it together overall, being more organized and focused, taking care of my body and surroundings, finding interest in things I find immensely boring (would truly help me with my studies..)

14. Ever feel stuck in a rut? If yes, describe the causes and your reaction to it.
- Hmm, I actually prefer that so I have enough time to get absorbed in my own little world of wonder. My idea of a perfect and interesting life is impossible to fulfil so I've gone for having my everyday life boring and secure in order to make things exciting inside my head

People & Interactions

15. What qualities do you most like and dislike in other people? What types do you get along with?
I get along with almost everyone, I just handpick the ones I let in close. My partner is an INFJ and we get along great, we understand each other and whereas he's fascinated by my spontaneous behavior, I'm loving the fact that he's able to keep things organized. My closest friends are INTP, ENFP, ISFP and ISTJ. In general, I'm most drawn and attracted to INTxs, I used to dream about having an INTJ boyfriend before I met my current one, and to be fair he's borderline F as well

16. How do you feel about romance/sex? What qualities do you want in a partner?
- I like my partners rational, organized and at the beginning of a new relationship I just love it when that kind of people don't know how to react to me. But they can't be too organized because I want to be able to talk them into my silly and impulsive ideas every now and then. With sex, I'm very shy at first but when I deem the other person safe to be sexually open with... Well, I have ideas, lots of ideas

17. If you were to raise a child, what would be your main concerns, what measures would you take, and why?
- My main concern, besides providing necessities, is their personal growth, how they see themselves and the world. I would probably be an observant parent and try to have as much one on one time with him/her as possible and support whatever interests they may have

18. A friend makes a claim that clashes with your current beliefs. What is your inward and outward reaction?
- Inwardly, I catch fire but outward I usually either shut up if it's a person I don't feel comfortable getting in a conflict with or ask them why they think that way, trying to see their point of view and trying to voice out my two cents as rationally and convincingly as possible

19. Describe your relationship to society. How do you see people as a whole? What do you consider a prevalent social problem? Name one.
- My views of the world and people fluctuates a lot and depends on my current mood. If I'm depressed, I usually see people and society as a lost cause, idiots who'll drown in their own shit and eventually destroy the planet. If I'm excited, however, I can view people as sympathetic and lovely creatures. In general, I view people as ethically lazy and prone to be influenced by their surroundings, but not evil. IMO the social problems we have are people not being treated equally.

20. How do you choose your friends and how do you behave around them?
- I tend to get along with people who are introverted as well or at least hang around introverts. Also, people who have a wide range of knowledge and interests so I can have flowy and spontaneous conversations with them about everything. With very close friends, I'm very open. I crack jokes and express my opinions and thoughts. With friends I don't know as well I'm far more withdrawn and have a hard time expressing opinions. My emotions are very private in either case, I struggle with expressing emotions even with my closest friends

21. How do you behave around strangers?
- Withdrawn and reserved but always polite

If someone made it this far, helping me out would be much appreciated. I'm happy to answer further questions as well if you've got any. I'm very curious to hear thoughts on this. Thanks in advance

 

[small.wonder]

[MENTION=23336]Surr[/MENTION] All 4+5 types have this struggle (especially if there is a heavy wing) because we are both head and heart. I myself finally determined that truly, when I'm relaxed and at ease (the posture in which MBTI is to be answered) I err slightly on the feeling side-- and really, if I didn't, I wouldn't be a core 4. I think that is the rub, to consider if 4 or 5 is stronger in you is very similar to considering if F or T is stronger in you. The conclusions are aligned in my opinion.

Just my two cents.

 

[Surr]

Thank you for your insight! Yes, I feel like this has to do with the enneagram as well but the thing is that my responses don't really depend on my mood but on things I can't put my hands on, I just have no idea

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

Reading the OP, my initial gut reaction was that you are probably INTP. There is a strong idealistic "edge" to much of what you wrote which could explain your confusion with F/T, and it's not unusual for INTPs to be idealistic in their worldview--think Albert Einstein. We can thank Keirsey (sarcasm) for causing the current popular misconception that all idealistic people must be NFs.

Then again, there were one or two red flags in the post that could point to dominant Fi--one that stood out was where you mentioned that you "catch fire" inwardly when you disagree with a friend. That just struck me as very Fi, but I'm a noob myself when it comes to this stuff.
[MENTION=17697]small.wonder[/MENTION] made the point that 4w5s and 5w4s often struggle with the distinction between T and F. If everything else you wrote didn't already strongly suggest a Perceiver then I would suggest INxJ.

How familiar are you with the Jungian functions behind the 4 letter dichotomy code?

 

[Surr]

Thank you for your insight, Starcrash! Yes, I've seen a lot of Fi in myself and I sometimes recognize patterns of a FiTe-loop where I handpick "rational" (often not) evidence to support feelings I have created in my head (feelings that may not have any connection to what's going on around me whatsoever) and use that to support my Fi, often ending up with an angry, verbal attack of subjective feelings masquerading in poorly backed up "rational" evidence from the outside world. And my feelings are often fueled by things going on in my head and are almost never a result of, nor directed at, the outside world. So in that regard, INFP could be very likely as well.

I have done some research about the cognitive functions behind types but sadly I am very uneducated about the matter so if I have grasped the concept dead wrong, feel free to point it out

 

[Ghost]

I'd say INFP.

 

[Surr]

Thank you for giving your thoughts on the matter, Ghost

 

[cm81]

Thank you for your insight! Yes, I feel like this has to do with the enneagram as well but the thing is that my responses don't really depend on my mood but on things I can't put my hands on, I just have no idea

I get you! My T/F is really close too. I'm 27% more F; I feel *deeply* (there isn't a word for it, or I would have found it by now), and I'm usually able to distance myself if I need too, but the first time I remember feeling genuinely angry--or that level of hatred... (I had been trying to pull myself together after walking away, trying rationalize everything. But the anxiety was there. Typically, I get myself out of that frame as efficiently and as quickly as possible. I DO something. I leave. I'll go anywhere; dancing, rock climbing-- anything. But this time, I couldn't) A close friend pointed out a minor detail in probably the most devastating time of my life...and then did the worst thing....she left me alone with it.....(perhaps, someday, I'll reveal what that was... and the life saving thing that came out of it), forcing me to face my emotions. As the anger welled up.... it scared the hell out of me. I don't ever want to feel that way again.

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I have almost equally strong-willed personalities all at once... and my instincts are almost always right-and it effing hurts. If my life feels out of balance, I can become restless, but if my heart's on the line my first instinct is to bolt. Then again, my heart is fiercely loyal (once you have it)... it took me five and a half years to to let that go, 2 years after making peace with what had happened; but I left immediately, and I never looked back.

 

[Surr]

Thanks, cm81, for sharing your thoughts, I could relate to that situation a bit, though it must've been much rougher on you than I could imagine

 

[Faketrollaccount]

INFP, without a doubt. INTPs generally don't care. They really don't care. I mean, words cannot express how much a lot of INTPs don't care. You care. So INFP.

 

[Surr]

Lolling hard at that claim but since it comes from someone banned by the name "Faketrollaccount", I guess I shouldn't really take it seriously

 

[Surr]

Well, I dropped the N from my type as well because I'm just not sure anymore. I'm extremely bored so I'll answer another questionnaire. Again, I'd truly appreciate it if anyone would give their thoughts on anything (enneagram, socionics, mbti, everything goes), but if not, of course that's fine as well

0. What's making you unsure of your type? What research have you already done to determine type?
- I've been scoring so differently. I'm quite sure I'm I and P but S/N and T/F are what I'm unsure of

1. Establish a "baseline mood"--when you're at home with nothing to do, where are you at mentally and emotionally? What do you notice in yourself? (Note, this is not a mood you inhabit "frequently", but your psychological baseline).
- Deep in thought, living inside my head, prone to getting absorbed in things. I'm usually quite emotionless and always seeking new targets of curiosity or exploring the ones already discovered

2. Describe yourself--
a. What's it like to be you?
- Sucks, really. I feel different a lot of time, lonely as well but still keep withdrawn voluntarily
b. What have others said about you?
- That I seem aloof and distant but upon approached I'm kind. Words that have been used to describe me by my closest people among others are: independent, smart, curious, spontaneous, unpredictable, complex, deep, creative, responsible, understanding
c. What do you think of yourself?
- I've had my moments but in general I'm very unsatisfied with myself and I'm loaded with guilt the vast majority of time

3. What are the issues you've dealt with in life? List some recurrent themes, and tell us a little about each one.
- My biggest crises have been people I've considered most important to me turning their backs on me. This has always been in response to a verbal outburst by my side where I have momentarily been rude and bashed them. I've apologized afterwards but it has been in vain and I've had a hard time recovering from losing these people. Other issues I've had are overall loneliness and inability to commit to social interaction, the tendency to binge eat, nicotine addiction, insomnia and my unhealthy curiosity leading me to seek out and see things that test my mental health

4. You're not good at everything--
a. What personality traits and/or ways of being are impossible for you to adopt?
- I'll never be very social around new people, organized or open about my feelings
b. What are qualities you'd like to have, but can't seem to develop?
- I've tried to become a bit more opportunistic and take advantage of situations without my conscience getting in the way. I'm also trying to face conflicts head on by addressing my hurt feelings or issues at hand but I have experienced great difficulties doing so, I have only recently started to bring up my hurt feelings with my boyfriend instead of fuming by myself

5. Why have you left friends and other relationships in the past and/or why have they left you?
- I have never left any of my friends behind. I have, however, ended a few romantic relationships and that has usually been because of my anxiety over being committed and unwillingness to account to anyone. I have been left mainly because of my emotionally unstable behavior, I've had out of nowhere emotional outbursts that have scared other people away

6. Which types do you identify with most?
- Up until recently it's been INFP and INTP but lately I've started to consider the possibility of being a sensor instead
a. How do you relate to these types?
- INFP and ISFP's Fi is very relatable to me, INTP's thirst for the truth and tendency to analyze things as well. I haven't gotten too familiar with ISTP to say much about that
b. How do you NOT relate to them?
- INFP as being referred to as an idealist whose primary goal is to contribute good to the society. I'm not like that, my main focus is always myself. ISFP as being very in tune with their environment, I'm usually completely oblivious. INTP as thriving to have everything make sense and be logical, I often find irrational things relaxing and don't always try to rationalize things

7. Which types are least like you?
- ESFP and ESTP probably
a. Why specifically do you not relate to these types?
- Too "here and now", they seem very relaxed and easy-going to me and display general interest in getting involved with people on a personal level which I do not
b. What points (if any) DO you relate to?
- The ability to be spontaneous and act on instinct, the fact that if there's fun to be had in front of them, they'll jump at it which I can relate to because if there's a new and exciting concept or thing to explore, I'll jump at it as well and forget everything else

8. They claim enneagram type is a hidden love need. What are your attitudes toward finding love?
- I never tried to actively search for love. I used to fantasize a lot about love but was convinced I wouldn't find anyone who would find me interesting up until I met my current lover and once we started talking it was like magnets being drawn together

9. What is the message your superego tells you?
- Knowledge is power. Also, understand people.

For the following, rank the issues in the order they apply and give a brief description of why and how you relate.

10. Determine your ego ideal--the way you strive to be and want others to perceive you. (Note, you may be consciously aware of failing at this, and you will be hard on yourself if you do. If someone else tells you you're NOT this way, it may make you feel hurt, violated, or angry.)

Which of the following ideals resonate with you the most, and why? Rank them.

1. to be knowlegeable
2. to be sensitive, original, unique, and creative
3. to strive to become/behave like a good person
4. to be a loveable person
5. to be "okay", having it together
6. to be accomplished and successful
7. to be loving and benevolent
8. to be devoted and loyal to a person or cause
9. to be powerful, strong, unassailable.

11. Determine your "felt sense" of life. To do this it may help to look at how you perceive events. Another way to do this is to look back at your childhood and think of all the things your parents did to you. How did you/do you feel about these events?

In order from most to least:
1. I must do everything to maintain my world
2. I feel isolated, cut off, and ultimately separate
3. I have been abandoned and I am inherently flawed
4. I've had a sense of being rejectible
5. I feel imperfect, not (good) enough
6. I'm outside the natural unfoldment of things
7. I have felt weak and/or vulnerable to attack
8 I have a sense of being unimportant, insignificant, and underving of attention
9. People have wronged and messed with me

Core fears. You may have been aware of these fears even as a very small child, before anyone did anything to influence it. You'd be mortified to be in this position or have others perceive you this way.

Fears to greatest to least significant:

1. Something is basically wrong with me--I'm not good enough
2. Rejection, being needy, and not being loved
3. Failure
4. Being abandoned, sadness, feeling lost
5. Entanglements and losing what I have
6. Creating conflict by making myself or my needs too obvious
7. Boredom, grunt work, and being exposed as a charlatan
8. Weak and not being on top of things

If you made it this far, you might as well leave a guess. What's my mbti? Are my enneagram and socionics typed correctly? Anything at all that comes to mind?