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  1. #1
    Senior Member Tabula's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    9w1 so/sx

    Default Should-ing All Over Life: Fe?

    I've seen it mentioned more than once that having a case of the chronic shoulds is mostly an Fe-related affliction--SFJ in particular. I know I definitely suffer from it myself, but there's a part of it that makes me [again, for the 21304283rd time], question myself and my type.

    Assuming Fe is my aux, applying shoulds/operating on the basis of implicit shoulds to inter/personal situations should (hehe) be a natural and egosyntonic behavior, yes? I guess it wouldn't be 100% of the time, 'cause I'm a human and stuff. But still. I'm wondering about other SFJs and their relationship with their shoulds.

    Maybe an example is called for?

    I work in childcare. Experiencing conflict between what I think I "should"/am supposed to do and what I think is the most reasonable or right thing to do is a daily occurrence for me at my job.


    Let's say Tommy is playing "outer space." He takes a bunch of toys and starts throwing them across the room--"shooting stars!" he says. I SHOULD tell him to stop throwing the toys. I'm supposed to tell him to stop throwing toys. My ESFJ co-worker is immediately yelling from across the room, telling him to sit at the table and play with the toys. I know this. I feel this. But I want to encourage his imagination. He's not hurting anyone, he's not breaking anything, and he's enjoying himself. I feel pressure to tell him to stop, even though I personally don't believe he needs to.

    This is a constant problem for me in my life. Not just at work, but everywhere. What does it mean? Am I still SFJ because I can RECOGNIZE the "supposed to's" in line with Teh Unspoken Rulez of Life and feel pressure to enforce/behave in accordance with them even when I don't agree with them? I don't mean to insult any SFJs by indirectly saying they mindlessly agree with and follow every rule all the time, either. I guess I'm not sure how to explain what I mean here. Hopefully someone understands what I'm getting at... kinda?

  2. #2
    Honor Thy Inferior Such Irony's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    5w6 sp/so
    LII Ne


    I experience this alot too. Especially at work. I don't think what you say is limited to any one particular type. I do see it as more of a tension between different functions with different agendas. In your example, I think it's either a Te vs Fi tension or a Fe vs Fi tension. Je functions seem more concerned with external shoulds.
    5w6 or 9w1 sp/so/sx, I think
    Neutral Good

  3. #3
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    6w7 sp/sx


    Nah, Fe's just have certain kinds of shoulds.... People would be all over the place and scattered in their heads without their shoulds... Maybe P's have less than J's
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

    My Nohari
    My Johari
    by sns.

  4. #4
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Cellmold's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2012


    I probably lack shoulds. At least shoulds that I am not joking about.
    'One of (Lucas) Cranach's masterpieces, discussed by (Joseph) Koerner, is in it's self-referentiality the perfect expression of left-hemisphere emptiness and a precursor of post-modernism. There is no longer anything to point to beyond, nothing Other, so it points pointlessly to itself.' - Iain McGilChrist

    Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
    "Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
    Piglet was comforted by this.
    - A.A. Milne.

  5. #5


    I have a lot of social "shoulds" with people... I have been told that I am weird and uptight about boundaries but then I disregard the boundaries if i just don't care or I want to mess with people. eNFJ btw.

    Another ENFJ I know tries to live his life "without boundaries" because he sees society as restrictive.

    My ESFJ dad is only really concerned about "shoulds" in a group setting but one on one he really doesn't care.

    My INFP mom is the most uptight about "shoulds" on a personal level.

    My ISFP friend doesn't seem to really define her life in terms of "shoulds" in social or personal contexts.

    Saying that, it seems to be a very individual thing.

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