Do I bear the mark of the sp/sx 4w3?

[LadyVioletBaudelaire]

I am "trying on" sp/sx 4w3 and this thread is both for me to gather my thoughts and your opinions. Please feel free to suggest an alternative typing and pose any questions that may occur to you.

I am a loner — I have not had a friend for several years and this is neither here nor there to me. I do get lonely for romantic and sexual reasons, but I think I fear real intimacy. My public persona (when I am not being a hermit), is one of polite indifference — aloofly formal. I am also very introverted in the traditional sense, I have my own internal world which is just as real to me as the "actual" world. I enjoy and appreciate things that contribute to my inner world like poetry, spirituality, and music. Likewise I am very imaginative, though nowhere near as talented as I wish I was.

Though this is hard to quantify, I do hold myself to be a more emotionally centered person (that or I am weak). I tend to fantasize nigh constantly, which results in a large amount of emotional stimulation. I find myself ashamed of my emotions, so I do attempt to deal with them. However, I am frequently restless and unhappy, sometimes sad and longing, and occasionally suicidal. I also tend to feel great happiness at times — it would not be inaccurate to say that I amplify and ruminate upon any trigger, almost (at times) masochistically juicing it until I feel like I have dealt with it.

I would not consider myself particularly envious in the traditional sense of jealousy or keeping up with the Joneses. When I take a broader view of envy as the discounting of what is for what could and should be, envy then could be seen as the discounting of the now for the future/past, the real world for the fantasy life, and the actual self for an idealized image. Through this lens envy seems to be a major problem in my life. The pain of Envy is the pain of denying the true nature of the self in favor of an empty and transient ideal idol.

I would not call my self-image unstable, as I perceive there to be a core essential element at the root of my personality. However I am very contradictory — imagine two extremes, say between an overly inflated view of the self as special and a horribly deflated view of the self as defective, then transfix each position onto the opposite end of pole positioned vertically and rotate it with any speed that you desire. This experience of certain aspects of myself, as a mercurial and irrational, leads me to feeling fake along with my emotional nature.

I find understanding, realizing, and manifesting my true self in the world to be of primary importance. Every day I contemplate who I am, what I believe, how I would or do react, I rehash old conversations and events, and simulate new ones in my head, how I come across to others, etc., but I do tend to feel like there is something holding me back. I am fat, so I don't feel free to live my life, escape my crippling self-consciousness, or even be in public at times. I sequester myself in the shell and prison of my protection, effectively cutting my self off from any chance at being the person I feel that I was born to be.

I am supremely self-indulgent. I rarely make myself do anything that I do not wish to — such as going to school, seeking employment, chores, or even bathing on some days, I have tended to be willfully irresponsible. Furthermore, and all the more troubling, is my tendency to give into my every whim — I have relatively little ability and far less willingness to deny myself, even for my own good. I understand, quite well in fact, how my self-indulgence is destroying me and will inevitably result in a downward spiral. Yet, I am uncertain whether or not I will find the motivation or the fear in me to ever truly change this pattern.

I pity myself for what I do to myself! Is it a wonder that I tend to feel disdain, if not outright self-loathing? I am a rather sensitive person — to the feel of materials against my skin, to sun, to heat, to pain, to criticism, to emotional triggers, to imagination triggers, and so. I am rather effete and fear I will not be able bear the at times coarse and cruel nature of the world. I am the only person to blame for who I have become. I am my own worst enemy, but I am not without my positive points. I consider myself earnest, introspective, contemplative, imaginative, reasonably intelligent, curious, deep, passionate, understanding of others, a great appreciator of beauty and elegance, and quite whimsical.

Thanks.

 

[TheLotus]

It is said that the second subtype serves the first and actually comes easier than the first or last. Being sx primary and sp second, for me that looks like a sort of checklist to get self-preservation out of the way so I can get back to the juice. It is not so much that I indulge in them as I can even resent their intrusion into what ever I am intensely passionate about, whether that be a person, my creativity, cultivating a mystical experience, or a passionate study. Once engaged, I forget my bodily needs, time and other responsibilities that can get put off to keep the energy going and alive. Yet when I have gone too far I begin to feel the pull of my sp, Oh I guess I need groceries, Did I eat today yet?, Gee I should get those bills paid today and these all begin to feel highlighted, but like an obligation that I just want to get over with so I can have another stretch without having to be concerned with those thing. In relating I do hold back at first( I am an Introvert) but once I feel comfortable with someone I want to reveal all and I pry to get into the other person. I want to know their secrets and often get them. I carry that person with me, they define me. On the avoidance end of one on one I can spend periods of time in isolation but they are not so much self indulgent in the luxuries of the my environment and physical needs as they are in my passions at the time, I will appreciate the environment that I have created more than usual in these periods but I do not identify with them, they do not complete me and the "other" is always out there somewhere, anticipating the reunion or a new connection.

 

[Burger King]

Based on what you've described, self preservation 4 sounds right. I have similar sp/sx difficulties as well, such as strong reclusive tendencies, issues mingling in social settings, longing for connection/intimacy tempered by an imaginary shackle, over indulgence in self-comforting activities, etc. You also have the core 4 issue of a tendency to favor the fantasy ideal self over the physical one. Constant triggering and revving up of the emotion through imagination is also a 4 characteristic. Image issues that tether between glory and ugly sounds like the 3 and 4 dichotomies and their respective relationship to self-image.

Overall I feel you typed yourself correctly. How would you describe your 3 influence though? I'm actually surprised you see yourself as 4w3 as most 4s who see themselves as "contemplative" and "loner" think w5 (not that it's a big deal or anything, but still interesting to observe).

 

[WALMART]

sp/sx 4, and surprisingly one of the few people I feel may actually be INFJ. I can't say for certain your Enneagram wing.