1) Context:
a) What is your age range and general location (Country so that cultural values can be taken into account)? Do you have any impairments that may affect the way that you answer this questionnaire? Any religious or political beliefs (or anything else along those lines) that also might have an effect?
I’m turning 18 in december. Poland. I have severe social anxiety and I display some characteristics of an avoidant personality disorder so I’m not really sure what about me is really my personality and what is a defense mechanism anymore. I have pretty ambiguous views on religion and politics so there isn’t anything that could affect my answers.
2) What do you deem as your purpose in life?
To find that purpose because I don’t have any. I just want to be satisfied with my life and be sure it has some meaning. Right now, I’m just vibin and going with the flow but I wish I could actually do something with my life.
3) Of the seven deadly sins, which one(s) do you relate to the most and the least and why?
The most: sloth, I’m lazy af
The least: lust? idk, I’m ace
4) Analyzing your relationships with others, briefly describe:
a) The type of people you are drawn to
I have social anxiety so it’s hard for me to be drawn to any people. It’s hard for me to trust anybody. But I think I’m more drawn to shy and introverted people because they don’t intimidate me as much as loud people and they’re easier to approach. They’re more interesting and ironically, they have much more to say than very loud and talkative people (speaking from my experience, I’m not trying to generalize). And shy people are so freaking cute, they make my heart melt lol. I also like eccentric and artistic people.
b) The type of people who are drawn to you
I attract weird people. Like Jehovah witnesses lol. I remember once a random guy on the street told me he was observing me and asked if I wanted to observe other people with him. I was creeped out because he straight up admitted to be watching me.
I think I might have this “warm†energy or something. Strangers tend to approach me a lot for some reason and usually when there are many people around, I am always the one that is being asked for something. I remember once, a woman suddenly approached me and asked me if I think she looked good and I was so confused. Why the hell would you ask a stranger something like that? I hate it to be completely honest. I don’t like when people distract me from my thoughts and I prefer to approach them myself when I need something from them. I feel annoyed when someone approaches me.
I used to attract very loud people and trouble makers when I was younger. I think it was because I’ve always been easy to bully, but I also used to be quite mysterious and hard to get to know and maybe they found that fascinating or something. I hated that because I can’t stand these types of people.
c) The type of people you are repulsed by
Very loud and talkative people, show offs; people who think they know everything and will defend their opinions no matter how illogical they are; people who think they’re smarter or better than everyone because of some stupid reason, like for example they have good grades; control freaks; overly organised and serious people; boring, basic people; clingy and affectionate people; overly emotional people who will text you about their s#icidal thoughts at 4 am and are expecting you to counsel them or something (I’m sorry honey, I’m not a therapist, I still care about you but I’m not a therapist).
5)What are the traits in others that you admire but you cannot emulate yourself? Elaborate.
I wish I was more easy going and sociable instead of awkward. I have trouble understanding social cues and I have no idea how to act around others. I wish I was more tactful because I tend to unintentionally hurt others.
I wish I was more confident in myself and I wouldn’t doubt my existence all the time.
I wish I had better time management skills but at the same time, time pressure excites and inspires me so I can’t really develop time management skills. Honestly, f#ck my life. I’d have to fail miserably someday in order to get my sh#t together.
I wish I wouldn’t be so easily irritated and I wasn’t angry 24/7. I wish my emotions could be more stable, like “I’m upset because my pet diedâ€, not just “I’m upset because I’m upset†as it is now. I feel strong emotions for no valid reason and I might seem irrational. I can sometimes have some weird angry energy outbursts and I can start yelling and sh#t and then forget about it and become apathetic in seconds. My emotions are so random and I have no awareness of them.
I wish I could worry less. I worry about everything. I’m anxious 24/7.
I wish I could actually finish stuff that I started, I wish I was more determined and hardworking.
I wish I wasn’t this sensitive and easy to break.
6) Describe your relationship with the following:
a) Anger
I can get angry for no reason. Everything irritates me and I can’t stand anything. Whatever you’d do, would make me extremely angry. I wish I was joking right now.
b) Shame
I hate the feeling of shame. Whenever I feel embarrassed, I just want to just disappear. I only feel shame in public situations tho. When I’m with people I’m close to, I literally feel no shame and it’s really hard to embarrass me.
c) Fear
Fear defines my whole life. I tend to avoid things that scare me as much as I can but it’s really hard because I’m scared of literally everything.
d) Love/passion
I don’t really understand the concept of love to be completely honest. I don’t know how to answer this question.
e) Conflict
I think I handle conflict well. I don’t care if somebody dislikes me or disagrees with me as long as they aren’t mean and they treat me with respect. I can even say I “enjoy†conflict. I like to discuss with people with different views than mine to gain some new perspective. I sometimes initiate conflicts myself on the internet. I can write some weird sh#t on my social media and wait for responses. I feel so bad when nobody replies lol.
7) What are some of the themes that have played a prominent role in your life (ie. A struggle you’ve been unable to conquer, ect)?
I don’t really want to elaborate on that because it’d take too long but I’ll try to describe it briefly.
Social anxiety, solitude, fear of rejection and judgement – as a child I’ve been rejected by other kids and whenever I tried to approach them, they told me to shut up and mind my own business. I developed a huge fear of rejection and judgement which made me unable to form relationships with other people. I’ve gotten extremely anxious in social situations and scared of crowds. I basically isolated myself.
Being unable to find my place in the world – I have no idea what the hell am I. I’ve tried to find the reason for my existence but I couldn’t.
8) Answer only one of the following:
[Under college aged] What do you plan on studying/working as in the future? How did you go about deciding this? If this is not your ideal area of pursuit, what would be?
I have no idea because there are so many things I’d like to try and at the same time I’m scared that if I’ll find a “perfect†career, I’d still get bored of it immediately after starting. I was thinking about majoring in psychology at university because I’m genuinely interested in that but I don’t know what I could do after graduation. I don’t want to counsel people, I want to study them. I thought about something to do with arts because I have a deep connection to art but I’m not particularly skilled in anything and I don’t know what I could work as after a major like art history. I was also thinking about biomedical engineering because I’ve heard it’s not that stressful and the salary is quite good and it seems like something I could enjoy but I’m still not sure yet. I decided that if I won’t be able to figure out what to do with myself till the time to send applications, I’d just go to film school. F#ck it.
9) When meeting a new person, what do you tend to focus on?
Firstly, I check their overall “vibe†and what they make me feel instead of their appearance. Then I focus on whether we connect to each other and if they make me comfortable enough to open up to them. Common interests are also important to me, I wouldn’t stand someone who I wouldn’t have anything to talk about. If I wanted to talk only about feelings, I’d attend a therapy.
10) How do you feel about humanity as a whole? What do you feel are some of the biggest problems the human race faces and why?
I feel like everyone is an individual being but at the same time we all connect to each other and we’re all equal. I don’t think humanity as a whole is either good or bad. Everything is relative I guess. The problem of humanity that is significant to me is the lack of freedom. I hate all of those labels and societal norms and sh#t.
11) What are some of your hobbies and interests?
There’s plenty of that but I’ll try to focus only on the most significant ones.
I've really been into art since childhood. But now my interests in that field expanded. I’ve always been very into drawing and painting but now I also sing, write songs, dance, make films. And I got really into art history. I enjoy expressing my mind and coming up with some new ideas. I think I prefer analyzing others’ art over creating my own. I just love to dwell on what the author meant with this particular work (excluding poetry, f poetry). I prefer abstract or modern art rather than realistic because it’s more inventive and there’s more to analyze. Reality is something everyone has already seen so I don’t see any purpose in painting realistically accurate flowers when you can paint anything you can imagine. I appreciate realistic art because it requires skill and effort, but, just why? I really see no purpose in that. Although I can’t stand fantasy and I prefer non fiction books or films. I sometimes enjoy fiction but I’d rather watch a documentary or read some personal development book.
Enough on the art, I’m a psychology freak. I’m also into stuff like languages, biology, philosophy, theology and politics. I guess I’m just trying to understand how people work lol.
13) How do you usually “hang out†with your friend(s)? When answering, think about what activities you tend to choose, whether you hang out with one person at once or many, whether or not you initiate the interaction.
I don’t really hang out with anyone, I’m a loner because of my social anxiety. But I have a dance group that I can consider friends. I prefer to do some activity together instead of talking. My social skills are terrible. I think I prefer group discussions because I can just listen and I don’t have to join them. I don’t have to be anxious about awkward silence because there’ll always be somebody talking. When I’m with just one person, especially another introvert, there’s always an awkward silence and it kills me. I always think that the silence is my fault and I have to say something but I’m too anxious to say anything. I’m beating myself for being awkward and uninteresting even though it’s both of us, not just me. But I’ve always thought I should be some kind of “provider†in social situations and I feel really bad about myself whenever I fail. And I fail all the time due to my lack of social skills.
Usually I don’t initiate anything because I’m scared of people and I’m scared I’m being nosy or something. With people I’m comfortable with, like my sister (who is a huge introvert), I’m the one who initiates everything and she thinks I’m annoying because of that. Literally every our conversation starts with my “hey, I have an idea... “
14) What is more important, actions or words? Why?
Actions. You can say literally anything, it’ll still have no worth. People lie and sh#t. You can never know what they really mean. Actions also can be fake but it’s easier to lie with words than actions.
15) Oh dear, you’ve been cursed by a witch! It’s ok though, you get a choice on which curse you will receive. Will you choose….
a) To never be able to experience the sensation of taste
b) To be immortal
c) To lose your memories
d) To be poor for the rest of your life
e) Or to never experience passion
Elaborate on why!
C. I think I’d prefer to lose my memories so I could forget about my trauma and start all over again. I’d hate to lose my good memories but I could sacrifice them in order to let go of my trauma. If I didn’t remember my past, it'd be possible that I could become the “real†me – a confident person without social anxiety.
I could lose the sensation of taste because it’s completely useless in my life but there are certain things that would make me depressed if I couldn’t taste them, like seafood. I might sound funny right now, but I’d never sacrifice seafood. I’m a vegetarian but I still make an exception for seafood. It’s just too good.
I could never be immortal. Only cowards who are scared of death would like this idea. The only benefit of that, would be that I’d be able to see the future of this world, but I’d feel terrible that I wouldn’t be able to create relationships with other people because they'd all die at some point. And being immortal would be so boring. After all of those years, I could experience everything and it would be hard to find anything new to do. I’d rather k#ll myself right now than be immortal.
I wouldn’t like to be poor for the rest of my life but it wouldn’t be the worst. I don’t need expensive stuff, I just want to be stable and safe with money.
I’m not sure about passion. Does experiencing passion mean experiencing strong emotions? I could sacrifice the negative emotions but not really positive ones. Being apathetic and indifferent to everything wouldn’t make any sense. What would be the point in life if everything would be so bland and monotonous?
16) What do you hope to avoid being? If it helps, describe a person who embodies what you avoid/you as a villain, ect.
I don’t want to be that detached and isolated weeb but I think I’m gonna end up like this with my social anxiety. I’ve been attending therapy for years now and I’ve changed therapists so many times but nothing could help me. I started wondering if my anxiety was really caused by my trauma or maybe some part of my brain was affected at birth or something.
17) How do you relate to obsession? Do you tend to "merge" with others or your interests? How do you feel about the idea of doing this?
I don’t think I get “obsessed†about anything. I used to be obsessed with my hobbies but I grew out of it eventually. I can sometimes get obsessed with songs and listen to them 24/7 tho. I think obsession is just cringy and toxic. It can narrow your mind or hurt other people if you’re too obsessed with them.
18) Organized or messy? Plans and blueprints or impulse and surprises? What are your preferences and tendencies?
I’m a bit weird in that sense. I’m very chaotic, I lose stuff all the time, I prefer keeping my room in disorder, I can’t stand when my room is clean, I can be very impulsive and unpredictable. I prefer improvisation over planning. When I used to be a dancer, I did planned choreography terribly but I excelled at freestyle and I used to win many freestyle battles.
At the same time I don’t like surprises at all. I like when I am unpredictable but I don’t really like the external world to be unpredictable. I hate when something is happening without my permission, I just feel like I should control the chaos in my life.
19) How do you subjectively view comfort and how do you create comfort in your life and surroundings?
I have no idea. My life is basically anxiety 24/7 and I don’t have any comfort in my life. I can say that I feel comfort when I take my medicine for my anxiety. It’s making me a bit apathetic but at least I don’t worry as much as I used to.
Thank you. It does mean a lot.
