c-jade
daisies and thunderstorms
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2015
- Messages
- 89
- MBTI Type
- ENFP
- Instinctual Variant
- sx/sp
I'm trying this again with a questionnaire 
I posted another thread about my inner turmoil around my type, but didn't get any responses. I'm hoping the questionnaire might be more helpful.
1) Context:
a) What is your age range and general location (Country so that cultural values can be taken into account)? Do you have any impairments that may affect the way that you answer this questionnaire? Any religious or political beliefs (or anything else along those lines) that also might have an effect?
I’m 27 and live in the U.S. I have PTSD and I’m bipolar II; my bipolar is really well-managed so I don’t imagine it has much affect, but I think my PTSD affects my ability to type myself a lot. I am also a Christian so my values and morals are really strong and my spirituality is the biggest component of my life.
b) Which types are you currently considering? Why are you considering them and why haven’t you decided on one?
Enneatype 3w4, 4w3, 6w7.
3w4: I am overwhelmingly focused on receiving admiration from others; I thrive on knowing people think I’m important, that I have something valuable to offer, that I’m doing a good job. I’m competitive, driven (but not professionally as much), enjoy being in the spotlight (if I know I’ll be good at the thing), and struggle with feeling worthless/unlovable.
4w3: I test 4 a LOT and thought I was a 4 for a long time. I’m very emotionally driven, though I have a hard time sitting with my emotions and feeling them—I tend to get an anxious energy and need to move on quickly—but my emotions have a lot of power over my focus and motivation. I have dissociated and used fantasy as a way to cope with life for as long as I can remember. I’m definitely someone who likes to feel special/the most important in the room, but I don’t actually believe myself to be unless other people tell me I am. I am desperate for a rescuer, but I also don’t want to be rescued…
6w7: I have a lot of back and forth in my personality. I have a very big, very strong personality with a lot of opinions, but underneath that I really desire someone to make me feel safe and to give me the security that I give to others. I feel responsible for everything and thought I was a 1 for a long time because of how much I’m afraid of doing things “wrong.†But I often wonder if my 6-like behaviors and core fears are because of the abuse that caused my PTSD, because they’re not as prevalent in my childhood/growing up. I don’t relate to being afraid all the time or anxious—I’ve always been really strong, pretty outwardly confident, and the kind of person who feels like they don’t need anyone.
I haven’t figured out which one I am yet because I think there’s a ton of overlap, and I have a hard time figuring out what is really me and what is my PTSD.
2) What do you deem as your purpose in life?
To be of service to others; to use my inherent gifts to better the world around me. (This is strongly influenced by my Christian beliefs.) I feel like I have a BIG purpose… I don’t know what it is, but I’ve always felt like I need to do something grand with my life, something that makes a huge impact. This weighs on me a lot; I feel extremely guilty that I’m not doing enough every day to work hard to get there.
3) Of the seven deadly sins, which one(s) do you relate to the most and the least and why?
I relate most to pride and greed. I struggle with thinking first of myself, my own needs, my own desires; so, pride. Thinking I matter more than others. And greed because I want so much out of life; I want to be the best; I want to have exciting and important experiences and roles. The whole “suck the marrow†thing.
I relate least to gluttony. I hate eating, it's such a nuisance. I have a lot of self-control when it comes to consumption of anything, really: food, alcohol, entertainment, etc.
4) Analyzing your relationships with others, briefly describe:
a) The type of people you are drawn to
Intelligent people; people who have an aura of looking at life deeply; introspective; people who are mentally stimulating to me. I tend to like introverts more than extroverts.
b) The type of people who are drawn to you
Not to sound arrogant, but most people? I am easily liked for whatever reason. I think I do draw people who need someone more confident/strong/sturdy than they are, or who want me for the ways I make them feel seen/the insight I offer.
c) The type of people you are repulsed by
People who take up a lot of space with their personality and don’t think of how they’re making the people around them feel.
People who lack a back-bone, who don’t know what they want and seem like they won’t “try†to stand up taller and find their voice.
5)What are the traits in others that you admire but you cannot emulate yourself? Elaborate.
Being able to hold your tongue when you have a strong opinion, or to just bend/stay quiet and let other people have the moment. Being able to “go with the flow†and not feel like you have to control/lead everything all the time to make it work. Being able to see things in black and white…being comfortable with something being both good and bad, safe and unsafe, or just the truth being murky. And having a good control of your temper; being able to diffuse your anger internally without letting it out. I’m learning how to do these things but they’re really hard for me.
6) Describe your relationship with the following:
a) Anger
Anger is probably the easiest emotion for me to access, alongside positivity/joy. I am very defensive of myself and others, especially others. I have a strong “righteous anger†sort of thing, because I have such strong opinions about what is right or wrong. I am quick to get annoyed, but also pretty quick to let it go.
b) Shame
I think I probably feel shame constantly, but I don’t notice it because it’s lived in the undercurrent of my psyche forever. I always feel like I’m too much, like I’m too big of a personality, or I’m just not doing things how people want me to do them. I have a hard time remembering that I matter at all, there’s just this inherent feeling that other people matter but I don’t. I don’t feel actively “ashamed†of my past, even though there’s a lot to feel ashamed about—I’ve moved through that pretty easily. But I feel a lot of shame about not being who I “should†be, doing what I “should†be, being enough. I have a hugely high standard for myself that I never ever reach, and I feel so much shame about that.
c) Fear
I don’t feel a lot of access to fear, but I’m sure I feel it? I think I’m mostly afraid of what people think about me, that people will leave me, and that people aren’t safe. I actually have a very strong fear of abandonment, but I don’t rush out and like beg people to stay? I just try and be what they want me to be as much as possible and basically hold my breath, waiting for them to leave… for them to realize that I’m not what they want me to be (this is friends and romantic partners) and ditch, because it’s happened before. I’m just afraid of being left alone…afraid that at the end of the day it will all still be on my shoulders, that no one will stay to bear the burden with me, that I’ll spend my whole life having to find the strength to do this alone.
d) Love/passion
Okay, actually, this is DEFINITELY what I have the most access to. I love people SO quickly and SO fiercely. I throw around the words “I love you†to pretty much anyone I’ve spent a day with, because I truly DO love them, I would fiercely defend them if needed and I want them to know how much they matter with this like deep well of passion. I think the first word my friends would use to describe me would be passionate. I just don’t feel things or believe things or really do anything halfway.
e) Conflict
I’ve gotten a lot better with conflict as I’ve gotten older, but for the most part I’m not afraid of it unless the person really triggers my PTSD. If I feel safe with someone (pretty rare, but my closest friends I do feel safe with), then conflict resolution feels easy and I can generally speak my mind clearly and come to a resolution fairly quickly. But I’ve never really shrunken from speaking my mind; I mainly just HATE making things awkward, which will be the main reason I’ll avoid conflict sometimes. But overall I think I’m pretty good at seeing my faults, apologizing, talking through things; and even when I get overheated or I’m just wrong, I HATE leaving things hanging so I’ll always go back to smooth things over. A lot of my conflict stuff is about what’s “right†and “fairâ€â€”everyone should be able to speak their mind, to be heard, but also everyone should own up to their junk and be willing to change/be wrong.
7) What are some of the themes that have played a prominent role in your life (ie. a struggle you’ve been unable to conquer, ect)?
Having big dreams but being afraid to actually pursue them
Getting bored easily and not being able to stay committed/dive deep into one interest/dream (but this may relate more to me being an ENFP)
Withdrawing into my mind/fantasies/etc. when I feel threatened or unsafe, like trying to please people and be who they want me to be becomes too much
Caring mainly about others and their needs, but still feeling like I’m ridiculously selfish because I focus a lot of my thoughts on my inner world/desires/needs
8) Answer only one of the following:
a) [College aged and above] What is your area of work/study? Why did you choose this and would you change it? If so, what would be your ideal?
I am currently a full-time academic advisor, so I help students figure out their degree, their classes, etc. I sort of fell into the position without meaning for it to become a long-term thing, but I had always loved advising my friends, helping people make decisions about their dreams/goals, and organizing things like their schedule etc. (me loves to organize.)
I would change it if I could… honestly I’d love to be in graduate school for Anthropology/Public Health. I LOVE learning, being stimulated mentally, being given a challenge and feeling like I have real purpose. I want to do anthropology/public health because it can have a huge impact on actual populations rather than just individuals, BUT I still get to be doing research which stimulates, challenges me, and keeps things changing enough that I don’t get bored.
9) When meeting a new person, what do you tend to focus on?
I focus on what they “want†from me. I notice the social cues, what’s their personality, what kind of energy are they putting off, how are they responding to my energy? Do they want me to be quieter, more drawn into myself and calm, or are they responding better to me having more energy and making them feel connected? Do they respond to me with as much energy as I tend to have? What do they like to talk about? I don’t at all notice the physical things, really, like what they’re wearing or even what they look like. It’s all about energy.
10) How do you feel about humanity as a whole? What do you feel are some of the biggest problems the human race faces and why?
I have such a bleeding heart for humanity…like when I think about us all as a whole, my heart wants to burst with love for us as a communal entity and as individuals. We’re all just so lost, and we’re searching for the same things but we feel alone in it, and there’s just so much connectivity between us all but we tend not to see it. It’s beautiful and painful and I love it but I want to fix it.
I think the biggest problem is that people don’t step outside of themselves and consider things from another’s perspective; we don’t consider the whole life this other person has lived, the things that have made them who they are, and so we judge them for what we see in front of us…there’s not enough empathy in the world, not enough grace to see through the things people do to the depth of who they actually are.
11) What are some of your hobbies and interests?
I honestly spend most of my time around other people. But I like to read a lot, mostly personality type books, a lot of historical fiction/thrillers, and non-fiction books about how to better myself as a person. I also like to write poetry/prose/non-fiction and I dabble in painting. I do a lot of volunteer work too, I guess; I’m on the worship team and I lead a small group and I volunteer with greeting/prayer/etc. on Sundays, but always want to be doing more.
13) How do you usually “hang out†with your friend(s)? When answering, think about what activities you tend to choose, whether you hang out with one person at once or many, whether or not you initiate the interaction.
I like to hang out with one person at a time, and the majority of the time we just talk a lot. Mostly about the deep stuff, understanding ourselves and each other better, the world around us, etc… If I’m in a group I like to be doing things, playing stimulating board games, talking about something important that will help us better ourselves, bonding through shared interests (tv shows, music, etc.) I really only like being in a group with very select people, though; I enjoy being in groups with my “not†favorite people, but it’s generally just for fun and laughs, etc, and I end up breaking off to talk to someone one on one that entertains me more.
14) What is more important, actions or words? Why?
I mean, I don’t know. Important for what? I think consistency matters most to me, and it needs to be consistent in word and in actions. But words mean a lot to me; someone can say one thing to me and if it cuts to the core of my fears about myself/my identity, then this person will no longer be safe to me and I’ll probably never let them in the way they were before. I can forgive actions a lot more quickly than words, because actions in my mind reflect the other person and maybe their struggles/difficulties, whereas words…it’s hard for me to believe a hurtful word isn’t about ME, even if logically I know it’s really about their own junk.
16) What do you hope to avoid being? If it helps, describe a person who embodies what you avoid/you as a villain, ect.
More than anything I want to avoid being selfish; I don’t want to live my life just for myself, but for others, and I desperately claw my way to trying to be a “better†person who doesn’t focus so much on themselves (to an unhealthy extent, I’m sure). I also don’t want to be someone who hurts others without meaning to… I want to be able to love people radically, not for myself and how they make me feel about myself or what they do for me, but unselfishly, just for them.
17) How do you relate to obsession? Do you tend to "merge" with others or your interests? How do you feel about the idea of doing this?
I used to call myself an “enthusiast†growing up, because I would find one thing or one person and get OBSESSED with it for a while, then get bored and move on to the next obsession. It happens a little less frequently now in adulthood; my obsessions last a little longer. And when it comes to people, I choose one person at a time and “merge†with them; when that ends I usually find another person pretty quickly. A lot of times this has been in friendships, but my romantic relationships have all been really long-term and I have a very hard time letting go of them.
I guess I kind of hate that I do this. I want to be someone who can stick to one thing and dive in for the long-term, and I also want to be soooo much more independent from people than I am (even though the people around me would call me VERY independent; I don’t let myself lean on people except for that ONE person, usually). I just feel like a bad person for needing anyone.
18) Organized or messy? Plans and blueprints or impulse and surprises? What are you preferences and tendencies?
Organized!!! Plans!!! Except when it’s an adventure. I go radically one way or the other—I plan everything to a T, or I throw out ALL the plans and radically do whatever feels right in the moment. But plans make me feel much more in control and safe. This is something I think I developed more in adulthood? But eh, even as a teenager I was really regimented, controlled, had a strict “you do your homework first young lady!!†thing since my parents never did that for me.
19) How do you subjectively view comfort and how do you create comfort in your life and surroundings?
I think comfort can be taken way too far—I think I tend to overindulge in comfort and it makes me lazy, keeps me from doing the important things that matter and would help me be the person I actually want to be. I am super afraid of letting go of this comfort, though, because what if I can’t get it back? What if out in the unknown I never find a sense of comfort again? I think in my life I create comfort by staying consistent in my routines, having certain things I always keep with me (a journal, my favorite backpack), and sticking to the things I KNOW I can do well. I’m afraid to leave my “comfort zone†and fail by trying harder things. So I stick to what I know. I tend not to find comfort in other people, I resist that urge a lot and even when I do go to someone to find comfort, it feels really uncomfortable and I’m scared the whole time because being vulnerable about who I really am, how I really think, what I really need and feel is TERRIFYING—I can’t reveal the truth because what if they leave—so I give them a little and then run away again. There are only a VERY small number of people who actually make me feel comforted if I go to them for that, because I feel safe enough to take a breath and let go of my pretenses.
I posted another thread about my inner turmoil around my type, but didn't get any responses. I'm hoping the questionnaire might be more helpful.1) Context:
a) What is your age range and general location (Country so that cultural values can be taken into account)? Do you have any impairments that may affect the way that you answer this questionnaire? Any religious or political beliefs (or anything else along those lines) that also might have an effect?
I’m 27 and live in the U.S. I have PTSD and I’m bipolar II; my bipolar is really well-managed so I don’t imagine it has much affect, but I think my PTSD affects my ability to type myself a lot. I am also a Christian so my values and morals are really strong and my spirituality is the biggest component of my life.
b) Which types are you currently considering? Why are you considering them and why haven’t you decided on one?
Enneatype 3w4, 4w3, 6w7.
3w4: I am overwhelmingly focused on receiving admiration from others; I thrive on knowing people think I’m important, that I have something valuable to offer, that I’m doing a good job. I’m competitive, driven (but not professionally as much), enjoy being in the spotlight (if I know I’ll be good at the thing), and struggle with feeling worthless/unlovable.
4w3: I test 4 a LOT and thought I was a 4 for a long time. I’m very emotionally driven, though I have a hard time sitting with my emotions and feeling them—I tend to get an anxious energy and need to move on quickly—but my emotions have a lot of power over my focus and motivation. I have dissociated and used fantasy as a way to cope with life for as long as I can remember. I’m definitely someone who likes to feel special/the most important in the room, but I don’t actually believe myself to be unless other people tell me I am. I am desperate for a rescuer, but I also don’t want to be rescued…
6w7: I have a lot of back and forth in my personality. I have a very big, very strong personality with a lot of opinions, but underneath that I really desire someone to make me feel safe and to give me the security that I give to others. I feel responsible for everything and thought I was a 1 for a long time because of how much I’m afraid of doing things “wrong.†But I often wonder if my 6-like behaviors and core fears are because of the abuse that caused my PTSD, because they’re not as prevalent in my childhood/growing up. I don’t relate to being afraid all the time or anxious—I’ve always been really strong, pretty outwardly confident, and the kind of person who feels like they don’t need anyone.
I haven’t figured out which one I am yet because I think there’s a ton of overlap, and I have a hard time figuring out what is really me and what is my PTSD.
2) What do you deem as your purpose in life?
To be of service to others; to use my inherent gifts to better the world around me. (This is strongly influenced by my Christian beliefs.) I feel like I have a BIG purpose… I don’t know what it is, but I’ve always felt like I need to do something grand with my life, something that makes a huge impact. This weighs on me a lot; I feel extremely guilty that I’m not doing enough every day to work hard to get there.
3) Of the seven deadly sins, which one(s) do you relate to the most and the least and why?
I relate most to pride and greed. I struggle with thinking first of myself, my own needs, my own desires; so, pride. Thinking I matter more than others. And greed because I want so much out of life; I want to be the best; I want to have exciting and important experiences and roles. The whole “suck the marrow†thing.
I relate least to gluttony. I hate eating, it's such a nuisance. I have a lot of self-control when it comes to consumption of anything, really: food, alcohol, entertainment, etc.
4) Analyzing your relationships with others, briefly describe:
a) The type of people you are drawn to
Intelligent people; people who have an aura of looking at life deeply; introspective; people who are mentally stimulating to me. I tend to like introverts more than extroverts.
b) The type of people who are drawn to you
Not to sound arrogant, but most people? I am easily liked for whatever reason. I think I do draw people who need someone more confident/strong/sturdy than they are, or who want me for the ways I make them feel seen/the insight I offer.
c) The type of people you are repulsed by
People who take up a lot of space with their personality and don’t think of how they’re making the people around them feel.
People who lack a back-bone, who don’t know what they want and seem like they won’t “try†to stand up taller and find their voice.
5)What are the traits in others that you admire but you cannot emulate yourself? Elaborate.
Being able to hold your tongue when you have a strong opinion, or to just bend/stay quiet and let other people have the moment. Being able to “go with the flow†and not feel like you have to control/lead everything all the time to make it work. Being able to see things in black and white…being comfortable with something being both good and bad, safe and unsafe, or just the truth being murky. And having a good control of your temper; being able to diffuse your anger internally without letting it out. I’m learning how to do these things but they’re really hard for me.
6) Describe your relationship with the following:
a) Anger
Anger is probably the easiest emotion for me to access, alongside positivity/joy. I am very defensive of myself and others, especially others. I have a strong “righteous anger†sort of thing, because I have such strong opinions about what is right or wrong. I am quick to get annoyed, but also pretty quick to let it go.
b) Shame
I think I probably feel shame constantly, but I don’t notice it because it’s lived in the undercurrent of my psyche forever. I always feel like I’m too much, like I’m too big of a personality, or I’m just not doing things how people want me to do them. I have a hard time remembering that I matter at all, there’s just this inherent feeling that other people matter but I don’t. I don’t feel actively “ashamed†of my past, even though there’s a lot to feel ashamed about—I’ve moved through that pretty easily. But I feel a lot of shame about not being who I “should†be, doing what I “should†be, being enough. I have a hugely high standard for myself that I never ever reach, and I feel so much shame about that.
c) Fear
I don’t feel a lot of access to fear, but I’m sure I feel it? I think I’m mostly afraid of what people think about me, that people will leave me, and that people aren’t safe. I actually have a very strong fear of abandonment, but I don’t rush out and like beg people to stay? I just try and be what they want me to be as much as possible and basically hold my breath, waiting for them to leave… for them to realize that I’m not what they want me to be (this is friends and romantic partners) and ditch, because it’s happened before. I’m just afraid of being left alone…afraid that at the end of the day it will all still be on my shoulders, that no one will stay to bear the burden with me, that I’ll spend my whole life having to find the strength to do this alone.
d) Love/passion
Okay, actually, this is DEFINITELY what I have the most access to. I love people SO quickly and SO fiercely. I throw around the words “I love you†to pretty much anyone I’ve spent a day with, because I truly DO love them, I would fiercely defend them if needed and I want them to know how much they matter with this like deep well of passion. I think the first word my friends would use to describe me would be passionate. I just don’t feel things or believe things or really do anything halfway.
e) Conflict
I’ve gotten a lot better with conflict as I’ve gotten older, but for the most part I’m not afraid of it unless the person really triggers my PTSD. If I feel safe with someone (pretty rare, but my closest friends I do feel safe with), then conflict resolution feels easy and I can generally speak my mind clearly and come to a resolution fairly quickly. But I’ve never really shrunken from speaking my mind; I mainly just HATE making things awkward, which will be the main reason I’ll avoid conflict sometimes. But overall I think I’m pretty good at seeing my faults, apologizing, talking through things; and even when I get overheated or I’m just wrong, I HATE leaving things hanging so I’ll always go back to smooth things over. A lot of my conflict stuff is about what’s “right†and “fairâ€â€”everyone should be able to speak their mind, to be heard, but also everyone should own up to their junk and be willing to change/be wrong.
7) What are some of the themes that have played a prominent role in your life (ie. a struggle you’ve been unable to conquer, ect)?
Having big dreams but being afraid to actually pursue them
Getting bored easily and not being able to stay committed/dive deep into one interest/dream (but this may relate more to me being an ENFP)
Withdrawing into my mind/fantasies/etc. when I feel threatened or unsafe, like trying to please people and be who they want me to be becomes too much
Caring mainly about others and their needs, but still feeling like I’m ridiculously selfish because I focus a lot of my thoughts on my inner world/desires/needs
8) Answer only one of the following:
a) [College aged and above] What is your area of work/study? Why did you choose this and would you change it? If so, what would be your ideal?
I am currently a full-time academic advisor, so I help students figure out their degree, their classes, etc. I sort of fell into the position without meaning for it to become a long-term thing, but I had always loved advising my friends, helping people make decisions about their dreams/goals, and organizing things like their schedule etc. (me loves to organize.)
I would change it if I could… honestly I’d love to be in graduate school for Anthropology/Public Health. I LOVE learning, being stimulated mentally, being given a challenge and feeling like I have real purpose. I want to do anthropology/public health because it can have a huge impact on actual populations rather than just individuals, BUT I still get to be doing research which stimulates, challenges me, and keeps things changing enough that I don’t get bored.
9) When meeting a new person, what do you tend to focus on?
I focus on what they “want†from me. I notice the social cues, what’s their personality, what kind of energy are they putting off, how are they responding to my energy? Do they want me to be quieter, more drawn into myself and calm, or are they responding better to me having more energy and making them feel connected? Do they respond to me with as much energy as I tend to have? What do they like to talk about? I don’t at all notice the physical things, really, like what they’re wearing or even what they look like. It’s all about energy.
10) How do you feel about humanity as a whole? What do you feel are some of the biggest problems the human race faces and why?
I have such a bleeding heart for humanity…like when I think about us all as a whole, my heart wants to burst with love for us as a communal entity and as individuals. We’re all just so lost, and we’re searching for the same things but we feel alone in it, and there’s just so much connectivity between us all but we tend not to see it. It’s beautiful and painful and I love it but I want to fix it.
I think the biggest problem is that people don’t step outside of themselves and consider things from another’s perspective; we don’t consider the whole life this other person has lived, the things that have made them who they are, and so we judge them for what we see in front of us…there’s not enough empathy in the world, not enough grace to see through the things people do to the depth of who they actually are.
11) What are some of your hobbies and interests?
I honestly spend most of my time around other people. But I like to read a lot, mostly personality type books, a lot of historical fiction/thrillers, and non-fiction books about how to better myself as a person. I also like to write poetry/prose/non-fiction and I dabble in painting. I do a lot of volunteer work too, I guess; I’m on the worship team and I lead a small group and I volunteer with greeting/prayer/etc. on Sundays, but always want to be doing more.
13) How do you usually “hang out†with your friend(s)? When answering, think about what activities you tend to choose, whether you hang out with one person at once or many, whether or not you initiate the interaction.
I like to hang out with one person at a time, and the majority of the time we just talk a lot. Mostly about the deep stuff, understanding ourselves and each other better, the world around us, etc… If I’m in a group I like to be doing things, playing stimulating board games, talking about something important that will help us better ourselves, bonding through shared interests (tv shows, music, etc.) I really only like being in a group with very select people, though; I enjoy being in groups with my “not†favorite people, but it’s generally just for fun and laughs, etc, and I end up breaking off to talk to someone one on one that entertains me more.
14) What is more important, actions or words? Why?
I mean, I don’t know. Important for what? I think consistency matters most to me, and it needs to be consistent in word and in actions. But words mean a lot to me; someone can say one thing to me and if it cuts to the core of my fears about myself/my identity, then this person will no longer be safe to me and I’ll probably never let them in the way they were before. I can forgive actions a lot more quickly than words, because actions in my mind reflect the other person and maybe their struggles/difficulties, whereas words…it’s hard for me to believe a hurtful word isn’t about ME, even if logically I know it’s really about their own junk.
16) What do you hope to avoid being? If it helps, describe a person who embodies what you avoid/you as a villain, ect.
More than anything I want to avoid being selfish; I don’t want to live my life just for myself, but for others, and I desperately claw my way to trying to be a “better†person who doesn’t focus so much on themselves (to an unhealthy extent, I’m sure). I also don’t want to be someone who hurts others without meaning to… I want to be able to love people radically, not for myself and how they make me feel about myself or what they do for me, but unselfishly, just for them.
17) How do you relate to obsession? Do you tend to "merge" with others or your interests? How do you feel about the idea of doing this?
I used to call myself an “enthusiast†growing up, because I would find one thing or one person and get OBSESSED with it for a while, then get bored and move on to the next obsession. It happens a little less frequently now in adulthood; my obsessions last a little longer. And when it comes to people, I choose one person at a time and “merge†with them; when that ends I usually find another person pretty quickly. A lot of times this has been in friendships, but my romantic relationships have all been really long-term and I have a very hard time letting go of them.
I guess I kind of hate that I do this. I want to be someone who can stick to one thing and dive in for the long-term, and I also want to be soooo much more independent from people than I am (even though the people around me would call me VERY independent; I don’t let myself lean on people except for that ONE person, usually). I just feel like a bad person for needing anyone.
18) Organized or messy? Plans and blueprints or impulse and surprises? What are you preferences and tendencies?
Organized!!! Plans!!! Except when it’s an adventure. I go radically one way or the other—I plan everything to a T, or I throw out ALL the plans and radically do whatever feels right in the moment. But plans make me feel much more in control and safe. This is something I think I developed more in adulthood? But eh, even as a teenager I was really regimented, controlled, had a strict “you do your homework first young lady!!†thing since my parents never did that for me.
19) How do you subjectively view comfort and how do you create comfort in your life and surroundings?
I think comfort can be taken way too far—I think I tend to overindulge in comfort and it makes me lazy, keeps me from doing the important things that matter and would help me be the person I actually want to be. I am super afraid of letting go of this comfort, though, because what if I can’t get it back? What if out in the unknown I never find a sense of comfort again? I think in my life I create comfort by staying consistent in my routines, having certain things I always keep with me (a journal, my favorite backpack), and sticking to the things I KNOW I can do well. I’m afraid to leave my “comfort zone†and fail by trying harder things. So I stick to what I know. I tend not to find comfort in other people, I resist that urge a lot and even when I do go to someone to find comfort, it feels really uncomfortable and I’m scared the whole time because being vulnerable about who I really am, how I really think, what I really need and feel is TERRIFYING—I can’t reveal the truth because what if they leave—so I give them a little and then run away again. There are only a VERY small number of people who actually make me feel comforted if I go to them for that, because I feel safe enough to take a breath and let go of my pretenses.
