I need your help deciding my type

[safsom2]

I'll just say that it's been about two months and I CANNOT get the MBTI (or Socionics, for that matter) off of my mind. It's like every living second is researching about it, and it's slowly taking over my life / other interests. Normally, I'd be intensely interested in one subject for around a month and then jump to another one (usually pretty abstract topics, I've had philosophy, physics, history and programming "phases"), but this is lasting waaay longer than the others. So let me begin the history of an obsession that is to make HISTORY in my adolescence (okay, I apologise for that).

I tested initially as INTP, and it seemed to click initially, but after reading about the cognitive functions, I don't think I'm on the Ti-Fe axis at all. This discounted ENTP, ESFJ and ISFJ (which were all types that I thought I was at one point), and after taking a cognitive functions test, I got INFP as my result, with a striking 95% lead for Fi. After that came Ne with around 80, Si with 70 and I can't be bothered to remember the rest right now (I do remember that Ti was higher than Te).
Now, I'd LOVE to be an INFP. Really would. Idealistic? Compassionate? Describes me perfectly! The thing is, just as a ray of light from a distant star can take millions of years to reach our miserable little rock, it seems that the INFP paints a picture of me that's also about a million years old. Until I turned about 13 (I'm 16 now), I was the sweetest, smartest (considered gifted), kindest and most creative child around. Seriously. Everyone I knew loved me. After the hormones kicked in, things changed. I turned from an artsy kid to a "logical" kid (read: Sheldon fucking Cooper). A grumpy, moody one. The fantasy novels that lived in my shelves slowly became science books. The hours on the laptop went up from 2 to about 6. And social contact also went down the drain.

I have a theory that this was when about Te and Si kicked in to my stack. I'm now pretty pessimistic and I spend most of my time on my own, indulging in whichever subject area seems to pique my interest at the time. It's like time passes twice as fast with my hands on the keyboard and headphones in my ears. I became so obsessed with "facts" and "logic", that now, at 16, I've forgotten how to empathize. I can't read intentions accurately for shit (because I'm in my own head a lot of the time, and unobservant). I'm self-centred and self-absorbed. Sure, I love my family. I really do. But I'm a huge grump around them and everyone else. I want to care, but it's so much conscious effort and it drains me very, very quickly. Any expression of emotions that I might have had seem to totally evade me, regardless of how deeply I feel things. This is what makes me doubt being an Fi dom. Oh wait, I still take things personally, shit.
I became a people pleaser for a while at school (stopped now though). Couldn't stop running my mouth with more and more "facts and logic". Truth is, it made me really, really sad. I bullied some people at my old school. Badly. And even after moving to a new school (where I don't think I'm close to anyone yet), I can't stop thinking of WHY I'd bullied them. No moral boundaries? I cried and cried and even wrote them apologies but I think this made my recent circumstances worse.
Recently, I've been stuck in a rut and can't leave my house due to circumstances outside (I live in Beijing) and I'm more miserable and introspective than ever. Oh, in case I forgot to tell you, I've also been relatively much more closed-minded since becoming a teenager. Sounds nothing like a rosy INFP. In fact, if I remember correctly, this seems to fit the ISTJ stereotype. (of course, I love all you ISTJs, I have many ISTJ friends but I'm referencing the stereotype).

I don't mind a bit of a mess in my room, or messes in general. Most of the time, I don't even notice it. I can go on doing whatever "fun" thing I was doing before I made a mess. This is the polar opposite of my parents and brother, who are conscientious in every sense of the word. My thoughts are (relatively) much more organized and I've been told that I can hold my own in a debate (I myself disagree, I know some FAR better than myself at debate). Of course, I don't want to live in a pigsty either, so I try to keep it clean enough to prevent any unpleasant odors from leaping headfirst into my innocent nose. I do shower every day and brush my teeth (though I have to be reminded sometimes, you wouldn't believe). I also tend to procrastinate on schoolwork. I kind of know what the unifying concept behind most of my assignments are, so I can have a look at them, put them off and do them later. Doesn't always work.

Ah, but there's moreeee to itttt! You see, my (supposed) Ne loves to show itself when I'm writing (I'm 100% sure of the Ne-Si axis) but when speaking to people, the beast doesn't rise from the water! It's fucking silent! I'm ALL Te still (can't seem to control it anymore). I have an incessant urge to "correct" even when I know it's not the right thing to do. I can't control it very well! However, my Te is still shit when it comes to actual implementation of plans and my behavior seems to fit the pattern of inferior Te (anger bursts, yelling) more than inferior Ne (worst case scenarios). If anything, I tend to underprepare and improvise rather than overprepare like the other xSTJs I know. Why am I like this? Why???? Can you please help me type myself??
It angers me especially that I'm so concerned over a glorified pseudoscientific horoscope. The universe is so vast and expansive and yet I'm here fixated on one microscopic insignificant corner of it. I want to be curious about something ELSE now, dammit (I'm curious about many subject areas if I see myself CARING about being curious about it, nothing to with practicality). I despise that I've let it become an obsession (I refuse to call it a hobby). So tell me, which little box can I best be squished into?

 

[Luminous]

Breathe, kiddo. Breathe.

When I was a teenager, I was depressed and anxious. I grappled for control, seeking it where I could find it. I wonder if you're having a similar experience? Extreme focus on logic and attempting to correct what's wrong in your environment could be attempts at getting more control.

Infps aren't always rosy and happy and optimistic. There's no reason we can't be logical, depressed, anxious, and pessimistic. (Those last 3 are wonderful news, I know. )

Vibe - wise, you feel delightfully Ne. What makes you think Fi rather than Fe?

 

[safsom2]

Breathe, kiddo. Breathe.

When I was a teenager, I was depressed and anxious. I grappled for control, seeking it where I could find it. I wonder if you're having a similar experience? Extreme focus on logic and attempting to correct what's wrong in your environment could be attempts at getting more control.

Infps aren't always rosy and happy and optimistic. There's no reason we can't be logical, depressed, anxious, and pessimistic. (Those last 3 are wonderful news, I know. )

Vibe - wise, you feel delightfully Ne. What makes you think Fi rather than Fe?

Yeah... extreme focus on logic would be a good way to put it, I feel. Before I respond on how I personally deal with "control" issues, I feel like I should first define my thought processes and the way that I think? I think it'll make things a little clearer as we go along down the road of this thread.

I think when I'm first exposed to any new material, I'll instantly and semi unconsciously put some sort of value judgement on it. And not in the sense of "good" or "evil". It's more of an internal feeling in my stomach... I guess it's best to define it as how much said thing makes me want to vomit? A lot of the time for smaller daily things it isn't even that intense (I'll find some loophole to avoid whatever chore I've been assigned to and then feel really bad after finding out my parents or brother did it instead of me). I don't remember most things. Now, if I do find an empty apartment for whatever was said in the dense block that is my head, and if I'm curious about it (WHY I'm curious about whatever I'm curious about usually escapes me), I'll try to orient the bow to hit in the right spot. To shoot the shot that'll leave me the most game to feast on intellectually. And once I do that, I can't get said thing out of my head. Sometimes, when I'm motivated, I'll try to find a creative outlet to put my insights on the topic at hand to work. A lot of the time, they're just left unsaid and I (semi) forget about them. Everybody seems surprised when I can give an eloquent defense of some random stance on some random topic they've never seem before! I also (a LOT of the time), relate it to "facts" and my own experiences. I put "facts" in quotes because as much as I value objectivity, I firmly believe anything that we can observe is colored by our own perceptions, our own biases, and thus the best we can do to find "facts" is to see where we collectively align (TL;DR all facts are approximations, we can discuss this topic after the typing! I love philosophy!). However, I find that I have a tendency to cherry pick or to only see those facts that support my own feelings on the issue.

This all sounds very very Fi so far. But the key conundrum that makes me doubt my type the most are my motives for picking certain issues over others. Let's give the example of something like the political atmosphere of the United States of America. I know it concerns the whole world and the future of many, many countries. I know that many, many lives can be impacted if mindless or ineffective policies are put in to place. However, I don't think I could ever be that invested in that issue because it seems so far from who I am and my own identity. It sounds selfish, yes, but the idea I'm immersed has to be connectable (by my own subjective criteria) to how I view myself as a person (which sometimes can include my roots). The roots part is where it gets problematic. I sometimes wonder if I have Si as a dominant function rather than Fi. I mean, it makes sense with what I said in my post above. My tendency to be self centred? The passage of time flowing strangely? I recall vaguely these qualities being associated with unhealthy higher Si users, I don't quite know. I don't think it's my dominant, however, because although sometimes I do associate new things with things I've seen before and although I can be quite sentimental, I don't think that it's my way of life. I'm quite impulsive in that regard.

As for Fe, I mainly discounted that because I feel like I'm not a higher Ti user. As far as descriptions are concerned, Ti always seems to denote smashing a building into individual bricks and seeing how those bricks come back together to make a building. I don't think my thinking is like that at all. For example, give me a maths test, and I'll try to find the quickest, cheatiest method out of the paper and back into my head. I'm also NOT concise and direct (just look at my posts here lol), which seems to be a quality associated with types that value Ti. Just for fun, I'm also going to entertain the motion that I might be a higher Fe user. This one could be plausible. After all, I did say that I was sunny and optimistic as a child, and that I've had people pleaser tendencies. However, I do feel like my arms could only stretch out so long for some people. At some point I'd go batshit crazy and get angrier and angrier. Rapport was never one of my strong suits. In addition, I think my mum is an ESFJ (love her to death :3) but I'm NOTHING like her. Zero qualities alike (apart from shared Ne humour (you also get to see me doubt having Aux Ne later!!)), so that discounts the possibility (pretty firmly) of me being a higher Si OR Fe user (because I don't use Si+Fe, Fe+Si or the Ti-Fe axis in general).

But, as I said, a person's perceptions are their realities. Meaning I'm going to be a biased piece of shit. Which is why I need your help to decide this because I can't seem to handle not having closure on this issue (weak Te, hello?). I've considered ENFP before, but I don't think my Ne is that strong. I'm not particularly witty or funny when around others. I'm more so in my writing . But I do doubt having Aux Ne sometimes too. When I'm watching a movie, for example, my predictive powers are quite weak (though right a lot of time). And I feel like when I have to generate ideas, I do so by piecing together things I know into a sort of rat-a-tat plan rather that something completely NEW and SHINY. Which is why I think I have Dom Fi. Oh wait, didn't I say my Fi was weak earlier? Looks like there's another case of me being indecisive, who fucking knew? Tert or Inf Ne, perhaps?

As for control, at my old school, I saw people that I thought were similar to myself when I was bullied and tried to "mold" them to become "stronger" (the most foolish and unjust shit I ever did). I now realize that that behavior is unacceptable by my own standards and that I probably did that out of self-loathing and a sick drive to inflict the same suffering (I was bullied pretty badly for my sensitivity / passivity when I was younger). But control of the envrionment? Like at home or school? I really couldn't care less tbh but I do tend to lash out when my space or time is invaded, sometimes more insensitively. But it's important to note I don't get much contemplative time these days, everything being so busy. Maybe it's unsatisfied Fi? Dominant Si? Just me being a dick in general?

This is why I feel I need the forum's help and to hear what YOU might think because there are SO many possible cases. My value system honestly doesn't seem as nuanced as most Fi-doms seem to have it and so I feel relatively dickish? Maybe needing a ton of space is an Si thing? Is the tertiary even supposed to be there in teenagers?? So, so many questions. So to answer your questions in a TL;DR (because reading this might not be an agenda right now!)
1. Yes, I tried to control my environment. But not through organization, it was more through direct and harsh feedback on incompetence or perceived flaws. Almost nitpicks, you could say.
2. Fi because I don't use Ti on my stack, I feel

P.S Thanks for calling me wise! Means a lot <3

 

[Luminous]

I didn't explain myself well enough previously. I referenced when I was a teenager and was dealing with pretty significant anxiety and depression because it seems possible that your attempts to control are in response to anxiety? Which I think doesn't really help us type you.

A different way of approaching the issue, and one that is a bit more simple, can be found here: A Quick Guide To Double-Checking Your Type

Which of those seems to fit you best?

This all sounds very very Fi so far. But the key conundrum that makes me doubt my type the most are my motives for picking certain issues over others. Let's give the example of something like the political atmosphere of the United States of America. I know it concerns the whole world and the future of many, many countries. I know that many, many lives can be impacted if mindless or ineffective policies are put in to place. However, I don't think I could ever be that invested in that issue because it seems so far from who I am and my own identity. It sounds selfish, yes, but the idea I'm immersed has to be connectable (by my own subjective criteria) to how I view myself as a person (which sometimes can include my roots). The roots part is where it gets problematic. I sometimes wonder if I have Si as a dominant function rather than Fi. I mean, it makes sense with what I said in my post above. My tendency to be self centred? The passage of time flowing strangely? I recall vaguely these qualities being associated with unhealthy higher Si users, I don't quite know. I don't think it's my dominant, however, because although sometimes I do associate new things with things I've seen before and although I can be quite sentimental, I don't think that it's my way of life. I'm quite impulsive in that regard.

The thing with Fi is that it's inherently subjective, personal. It is going to be centered on what you value. So I think this fits well with Fi.

But, as I said, a person's perceptions are their realities. Meaning I'm going to be a biased piece of shit.

Everyone is.

Which is why I need your help to decide this because I can't seem to handle not having closure on this issue (weak Te, hello?). I've considered ENFP before, but I don't think my Ne is that strong. I'm not particularly witty or funny when around others. I'm more so in my writing . But I do doubt having Aux Ne sometimes too. When I'm watching a movie, for example, my predictive powers are quite weak (though right a lot of time). And I feel like when I have to generate ideas, I do so by piecing together things I know into a sort of rat-a-tat plan rather that something completely NEW and SHINY. Which is why I think I have Dom Fi. Oh wait, didn't I say my Fi was weak earlier? Looks like there's another case of me being indecisive, who fucking knew? Tert or Inf Ne, perhaps?

ENFPs are said to be the most introverted of the extroverts.

Another thing with Fi is that it's constantly being refined. Everything is getting filtered through it, but it's also being filtered itself, being finely tuned as a response to all that is being taken in.

 

[Jaguar]

Sounds nothing like a rosy INFP

Kick stereotypes to the curb.