My Life's Changed a lot, Maybe My Type Has Too

[hjgbujhghg]

I used to be an active member of this forum some time ago, now I don't post much, because I'm more busy, but I'm still interested in MBTI. Since a lot of things in my life have changed, I feel like I changed as well and perhaps, my type wasn't the right fit before, because the level of my health was lower and I was still pretty young. I just wonder if you think it might have developed into something else (maybe not). I wonder about MBTI, enneagram, stackings and socionics as well.

1. Establish a "baseline mood"--when you're at home with nothing to do, where are you at mentally and emotionally? What do you notice in yourself? (Note, this is not a mood you inhabit "frequently", but your psychological baseline).
I don't really like having nothing to do 'cause I get bored easily. There are two scenarios that might happen and they depend on my mood. If I was in a good mood, I'd probably try to find something to do and occupy myself with my hobbies or some choruses. If I was in a bad mood, I'd probably start to dwell on my feelings, begin to analyse them and make my self more and more depressed. It would most likely lead to natural laziness and kind of apathy.

2. Describe yourself--
a. What's it like to be you?
Conflicting, sometimes chaotic. I try to find a balance, between that part of me that wants to be successful, occupied and busy and the part of me that needs to be alone, think, analyze and feel things to the absolute depth. Sometimes, when I let the ambitious part out too much, the emotional part starts to feel empty and unfulfilled, on the other hand, when I let the emotional side out, I feel lazy, useless and guilty.

b. What have others said about you?
I've been told that I'm creative, think differently, that I'm original and artistic, that I appear self confident and charismatic. I've also been told that I'm very kind, conflict avoidant and honest. On the other hand I've been accused of messiness, disorganization, bossiness, quick temper and selfishness

c. What do you think of yourself?
I think that I'm creative, artistic and aesthetic. I'm ambitious, intelligent and individualistic. Yet, I'm also lazy, careless, forgetful and suffer from low self confidence. I'm too selfish and sometimes lack empathy for others, even when I feel my own emotions deeply.

3. What are the issues you've dealt with in life? List some recurrent themes, and tell us a little about each one.
Time management - There so many things I wanna do and I wanna try, I actually have no time for any of them.
Organization - I'm really a chaotic person.
Laziness - I often put my own comfort in front of more important things.
Putting things off - When I feel like something's too difficult or unpleasant, I put it off until it's usually too late.

4. You're not good at everything--
a. What personality traits and/or ways of being are impossible for you to adopt?
I don't get people who actually clean up their homes, I mean I do it when I really have to, but I see no meaning in it. I also struggle with thinking about other people naturally, I'm too focused on myself. I can't stand perfectionists and detail oriented people, I don't get them, when the big picture makes sense, it just does, the hell with details. I'm passive aggressive, I'm too worried and anxious to speak out my mind when I dislike something, but I'm also too stubborn and self righteous to just adopt or submit to something I dislike.

b. What are qualities you'd like to have, but can't seem to develop?
I'd love to be more assertive and self assured. I worry too much about what others think and I doubt basically everything, so it holds me back from doing many things.

5. Why have you left friends and other relationships in the past and/or why have they left you?
I don't tend to door slam people, I value friendship and close relationships very much, I'd never just cut someone out of my life. Usually these relationships naturally ended, because of someone moving to another city, or having too much work, or not being able to synchronize our schedules.

6. They claim enneagram type is a hidden love need. What are your attitudes toward finding love?
I don't think I'm a relationship person, I've always measured my worth as a person based on my achievements, rather than relationships. If anything, I think I've been looking for someone to "save me". I like to talk about my darker side with people I find attractive, about some of issues or problems and see how they can help me. I've been looking for someone to save me from some of my troubles and negative emotions and help me become more healthy and realize my full potential. But then, I'd have to be more submissive and willing to follow someone's lead, which I can't really do, since I'm really self righteous and self protective against anyone who tries to change something in my life. I've always idealized complicated and unhealthy relationships, I've always imagined that I wanna be free to be myself, without anyone telling me what to do, while having someone who loves me, but having them on sort of a string. When I want them, they're there, when I don't, they just let me live my life.

For the following, rank the issues in the order they apply.
a. Determine your ego ideal--the way you strive to be and want others to perceive you.
I wanna be seen as artistic, different, unique, original, yet successful, inspirational and driven. I'd rank this as my highest concern.

b. Determine your "felt sense" of life.
I think we should try to make this world a better place for future generations and fight for what is socially and politically right.

c. Core fears.
- To be one of the crowd
- To be left unnoticed
- To be like other people
- To be stupid
- To be laughed at
- To be humiliated
- To be ordinary, average
- To be seen as unworthy
- To be seen as someone less than others

 

[Jaguar]

How can one fear something they are in complete control of? I don't get it.

 

[Firebird 8118]

Hmm... can a person be the same type while overcoming one’s weaknesses (even transcending them)?

 

[Peter Deadpan]

Although you are 4-ish, I do not think you are a 4. You use a lot of e4 buzzwords but I'm still really not seeing deeply rooted core 4 fears in you. What I see here mostly in reading between the lines is 3, 9, and 6. Physically speaking, you look very much like a 9 and your energy/aura/whatever you wanna call it is flowy, soft, and open, which is very much opposite type 4 who appears more trapped or self-contained. I think you have strong connection to 3 and are ENFP (or INFP). You also seem self-preservation blind.

I always thought you were So/Sx, but now I'm wondering if you aren't Sx/So, which would explain some of your struggles - being contra-flow - and your focus on relationship and fulfillment issues.

I don't see much 8 in you whatsoever, so 9w1.

Interestingly, I started watching the show Easy on Netflix and immediately thought of you when I saw Chase (Kiersey Clemons). You two have a very similar look and presentation in my mind, and she's even a sexual 9 in the show.

 

[hjgbujhghg]

Although you are 4-ish, I do not think you are a 4. You use a lot of e4 buzzwords but I'm still really not seeing deeply rooted core 4 fears in you. What I see here mostly in reading between the lines is 3, 9, and 6. Physically speaking, you look very much like a 9 and your energy/aura/whatever you wanna call it is flowy, soft, and open, which is very much opposite type 4 who appears more trapped or self-contained. I think you have strong connection to 3 and are ENFP (or INFP). You also seem self-preservation blind.

I always thought you were So/Sx, but now I'm wondering if you aren't Sx/So, which would explain some of your struggles - being contra-flow - and your focus on relationship and fulfillment issues.

I don't see much 8 in you whatsoever, so 9w1.

Interestingly, I started watching the show Easy on Netflix and immediately thought of you when I saw Chase (Kiersey Clemons). You two have a very similar look and presentation in my mind, and she's even a sexual 9 in the show.

Thank you for your opinion and sorry that the reply took me some time, I did some traveling and had to work, but now I'm here. I've got... well many points to say here.

What are the core 4 fears in your opinion? What is it that you do not see in this?

I'm not really sure how a 9 looks like, if anything, I think my style of clothing and sense of fashion are very opposite of what a 9 would wear, since I tend to wear things that stand out and I like to mix fashion trends with gothic, punk and grunge features. I like to express myself and personality through my clothing and fashion sense. I also wear many dark colours and more than anything I like black, more so than a 9 would, I imagine. The truth is that I appear soft, I used to fight against this pretty harshly with my style wearing stuff like leather jackets or getting tattooed to make me look more tough, but I don't have it in me, so as I grow older, I actually start to embrace my softness. But that's only happening for the past year or so, it took me a really long time to make peace with it.

My focus on relationships? Where did you get that? In the questionnaire, I directly said, I don't care much about relationships, but I do have certain romantic fantasies. I mostly feel trapped and unfree in relationships and I seek for a way out. I hate to feel like I miss on stuff. When you dedicate your life to someone, that someone puts limits and expectations on you. You're no longer free to be yourself, no longer free to live your life the way you want, no longer free to do whatever you want. It often feels like too much to bear. I also easily explode and say really mean and rude stuff to people I love. I know I tend to get angry for small things, but the stereotype often makes me too restless. I've said many times to my current partner that I want to break up or that I never wanna see him again, but he always just calms me down and tells me that I'd change my mind tomorrow, and he's usually right. I'm lucky that he's patient and don't put too much weight on some of my emotional outbursts.

That speaking, I might seem calm and soft on the outside, but I can get fiery angry, mean, directive and overbearing when triggered really easily and I am not sure if 9 have this in them. When I was reading some of the gut types characteristics to my bf, he actually said I sound like an 8. My mom's the same btw, she has these innocent soft looks that are nothing but a lie, you really don't want to see her angry. I really think it's just looks, that tend to lie.

I've actually also started to watch Easy recently, but I find it surprising you see me as that character. She has 0 Fi and she is exactly the kind of people I really dislike. No opinion, no values, no self respect, no critical thinking, no interest in learning, no interest in higher social causes, interested in a typical girly stuff, she was awful. How is she like me? If anything, I feel closer to her girlfriend, I have the same values and opinions as her, but I'd never go to people and put them in their face like she does, because I'm more subtle in expressing myself.

 

[Vendrah]

I used to be an active member of this forum some time ago, now I don't post much, because I'm more busy, but I'm still interested in MBTI. Since a lot of things in my life have changed, I feel like I changed as well and perhaps, my type wasn't the right fit before, because the level of my health was lower and I was still pretty young. I just wonder if you think it might have developed into something else (maybe not). I wonder about MBTI, enneagram, stackings and socionics as well.

1. Establish a "baseline mood"--when you're at home with nothing to do, where are you at mentally and emotionally? What do you notice in yourself? (Note, this is not a mood you inhabit "frequently", but your psychological baseline).
I don't really like having nothing to do 'cause I get bored easily. There are two scenarios that might happen and they depend on my mood. If I was in a good mood, I'd probably try to find something to do and occupy myself with my hobbies or some choruses. If I was in a bad mood, I'd probably start to dwell on my feelings, begin to analyse them and make my self more and more depressed. It would most likely lead to natural laziness and kind of apathy.

2. Describe yourself--
a. What's it like to be you?
Conflicting, sometimes chaotic. I try to find a balance, between that part of me that wants to be successful, occupied and busy and the part of me that needs to be alone, think, analyze and feel things to the absolute depth. Sometimes, when I let the ambitious part out too much, the emotional part starts to feel empty and unfulfilled, on the other hand, when I let the emotional side out, I feel lazy, useless and guilty.

b. What have others said about you?
I've been told that I'm creative, think differently, that I'm original and artistic, that I appear self confident and charismatic. I've also been told that I'm very kind, conflict avoidant and honest. On the other hand I've been accused of messiness, disorganization, bossiness, quick temper and selfishness

c. What do you think of yourself?
I think that I'm creative, artistic and aesthetic. I'm ambitious, intelligent and individualistic. Yet, I'm also lazy, careless, forgetful and suffer from low self confidence. I'm too selfish and sometimes lack empathy for others, even when I feel my own emotions deeply.

3. What are the issues you've dealt with in life? List some recurrent themes, and tell us a little about each one.
Time management - There so many things I wanna do and I wanna try, I actually have no time for any of them.
Organization - I'm really a chaotic person.
Laziness - I often put my own comfort in front of more important things.
Putting things off - When I feel like something's too difficult or unpleasant, I put it off until it's usually too late.

4. You're not good at everything--
a. What personality traits and/or ways of being are impossible for you to adopt?
I don't get people who actually clean up their homes, I mean I do it when I really have to, but I see no meaning in it. I also struggle with thinking about other people naturally, I'm too focused on myself. I can't stand perfectionists and detail oriented people, I don't get them, when the big picture makes sense, it just does, the hell with details. I'm passive aggressive, I'm too worried and anxious to speak out my mind when I dislike something, but I'm also too stubborn and self righteous to just adopt or submit to something I dislike.

b. What are qualities you'd like to have, but can't seem to develop?
I'd love to be more assertive and self assured. I worry too much about what others think and I doubt basically everything, so it holds me back from doing many things.

5. Why have you left friends and other relationships in the past and/or why have they left you?
I don't tend to door slam people, I value friendship and close relationships very much, I'd never just cut someone out of my life. Usually these relationships naturally ended, because of someone moving to another city, or having too much work, or not being able to synchronize our schedules.

6. They claim enneagram type is a hidden love need. What are your attitudes toward finding love?
I don't think I'm a relationship person, I've always measured my worth as a person based on my achievements, rather than relationships. If anything, I think I've been looking for someone to "save me". I like to talk about my darker side with people I find attractive, about some of issues or problems and see how they can help me. I've been looking for someone to save me from some of my troubles and negative emotions and help me become more healthy and realize my full potential. But then, I'd have to be more submissive and willing to follow someone's lead, which I can't really do, since I'm really self righteous and self protective against anyone who tries to change something in my life. I've always idealized complicated and unhealthy relationships, I've always imagined that I wanna be free to be myself, without anyone telling me what to do, while having someone who loves me, but having them on sort of a string. When I want them, they're there, when I don't, they just let me live my life.

For the following, rank the issues in the order they apply.
a. Determine your ego ideal--the way you strive to be and want others to perceive you.
I wanna be seen as artistic, different, unique, original, yet successful, inspirational and driven. I'd rank this as my highest concern.

b. Determine your "felt sense" of life.
I think we should try to make this world a better place for future generations and fight for what is socially and politically right.

c. Core fears.
- To be one of the crowd
- To be left unnoticed
- To be like other people
- To be stupid
- To be laughed at
- To be humiliated
- To be ordinary, average
- To be seen as unworthy
- To be seen as someone less than others

First thing, I wont say why for the sake of respect, but you do seem to have gone through a lot in your life. I could be wrong but it is very likely. I partially identify myself with you, specially in some fears, and I have gone through a lot either.
Some say it is impossibly to truly switch type, the majority of MBTI in websites like this, even for those who went through a lot. But they never explain how to remove the the personality traits that appears and stay after heavy problems happenned. Good advise in this case is to take MBTI questions when you are in a good mood, or even try to close your eyes and think how would you act if all around you was just fine, and then answer the questionare as if you were on an almost perfect place (not perfect, just close to perfect).

Second thing, if your life changed for better, it is likely that your "new" character/profile, your "new" you, is the "real" you, not the old one in the bad times.

Third, I am unsure, but you do seem like an ENFP. The F in ENFP is based on Fi and not Fe. Fi is about value, it is the fight for what is right, while Fe is about social aspects, like seeking to know how people relate to each other. An ENFP is not necessarily a relationship person, since the relationship person is more a Fe thing (more for ENFJs and ESFJs). Some ENFPs are relationship person, but you dont need to be a relationship person to be an ENFP. Also, ENFPs and ENTPs are considered the most introverted of extroverted. That happens because their first extroverted function (Ne) can work fully when they are alone or when they are with people. So, some ENFPs and ENTPs are considred ambiverts (extroverts and introverts at the same time), they usually get bored/drained by either being too much at socializing or being too much alone. Some of them end up being very selective, and some of them enjoy a lot of one to one conversation but dislikes big groups because it lacks depth. For ambiverts it is common to be the most talkative guy when with introverts and being the most silent guy while being with extroverts.

Fourth, I have some other reasons to think that you are ENFP with some "interference". Getting bored easily and listing two scenarios when the question 1 just asked for one seems Ne to me. Fi was described when I said "third". ENFPs do have a strange and unstable tertiary Te, that usually dont solve the mess and chaos, but it puts some strange INTJ and ENTJ characteristics on an ENFP, such as wanting to not being average and wanting to be successfull. And finally, the detail orientation repulse with the cleaning-home-people seem the recessive Si.

Fifth, I am not sure about you being an ENFP and you could be an INTP, but I dont think so. Your repulse for detail orientation is not a fit for INTP.

And for last, please, you dont need to feel empathy for people, you just need to have the principle of not harming anyone or not having the guilt for someones else disgrace. That is enough, although empathy is something welcome.

PS: I always recommend doing the in-house typology central test and posting it here.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

Thank you for your opinion and sorry that the reply took me some time, I did some traveling and had to work, but now I'm here. I've got... well many points to say here.

What are the core 4 fears in your opinion? What is it that you do not see in this?

I'm not really sure how a 9 looks like, if anything, I think my style of clothing and sense of fashion are very opposite of what a 9 would wear, since I tend to wear things that stand out and I like to mix fashion trends with gothic, punk and grunge features. I like to express myself and personality through my clothing and fashion sense. I also wear many dark colours and more than anything I like black, more so than a 9 would, I imagine. The truth is that I appear soft, I used to fight against this pretty harshly with my style wearing stuff like leather jackets or getting tattooed to make me look more tough, but I don't have it in me, so as I grow older, I actually start to embrace my softness. But that's only happening for the past year or so, it took me a really long time to make peace with it.

Well, I would never recommend typing oneself or others based on things like style of dress or creative expression. It's really a shame that 4s get the spotlight when it comes to creativity, because it simply isn't true that they are superior. 4s mostly want to make their actual suffering their art. It's more that they themselves are the canvas, and not a pristine one, but a frayed one with scratches in the paint and tears at the focal point. Many of the most creative and beloved musicians are in fact 9s, who as a whole possess a natural sensuality which allows them to merge with their art in a truly beautiful way. A 4 might struggle to do such and would be susceptible to posturing when expressing oneself, essentially trying to emulate what it is they want to be moreso than truly being openly expressive and present in the moment. Even if they display their pain in what feels like an authentic manner, it's still basically going to be them adjusting the spotlight to focus on the edge of a cliff, and then they will run full speed so that they can position themself barely clinging to the edge. Their life is theater.

My focus on relationships? Where did you get that? In the questionnaire, I directly said, I don't care much about relationships, but I do have certain romantic fantasies. I mostly feel trapped and unfree in relationships and I seek for a way out. I hate to feel like I miss on stuff. When you dedicate your life to someone, that someone puts limits and expectations on you. You're no longer free to be yourself, no longer free to live your life the way you want, no longer free to do whatever you want. It often feels like too much to bear. I also easily explode and say really mean and rude stuff to people I love. I know I tend to get angry for small things, but the stereotype often makes me too restless. I've said many times to my current partner that I want to break up or that I never wanna see him again, but he always just calms me down and tells me that I'd change my mind tomorrow, and he's usually right. I'm lucky that he's patient and don't put too much weight on some of my emotional outbursts.

I got this from your blog.

That speaking, I might seem calm and soft on the outside, but I can get fiery angry, mean, directive and overbearing when triggered really easily and I am not sure if 9 have this in them. When I was reading some of the gut types characteristics to my bf, he actually said I sound like an 8. My mom's the same btw, she has these innocent soft looks that are nothing but a lie, you really don't want to see her angry. I really think it's just looks, that tend to lie.

Fair enough, but many 9s are in fact quite fiery.

I've actually also started to watch Easy recently, but I find it surprising you see me as that character. She has 0 Fi and she is exactly the kind of people I really dislike. No opinion, no values, no self respect, no critical thinking, no interest in learning, no interest in higher social causes, interested in a typical girly stuff, she was awful. How is she like me? If anything, I feel closer to her girlfriend, I have the same values and opinions as her, but I'd never go to people and put them in their face like she does, because I'm more subtle in expressing myself.

You may as well just forget I said that, because I said it more to mention some patterns/similarities I picked up on, and not so much anything rooted in science (which very little of personality theory is anyhow).

What I was saying is that you physically resemble the actress who plays that character. I do not know the actress's type, but I do know the character's type, and I thought it was interesting because the actress has the enneatype 9 look, as in being physically soft. Even very thin 9s will often have a notable softness/fleshiness to them, and they tend to be visibly blended into their environment. 4s are very awkward, or shy and self-conscious (think Winona Ryder). Oftentimes, 4s have a forward slump to their shoulders, a visible representation of their lack of confidence in existing. 9s are not like that at all, and you have never once looked like that in a photo, and I've seen an awful lot of photos of you.

Honestly, 4s are horribly misunderstood and glorified in the typology world, which is both painful and satisfying to them. It's not just "I'm wounded, different, and want to be special, so I am going to create something to express myself". It's more "I am incapable of being content with who I am. Others are content and possess an ease that is foreign to me. I will never have what they have. This pain is my beauty, it is who I am, and I must sit here and suffer. I will withdraw into myself and replay past hurts. If they aren't painful enough, I will dramatize them in my head and imagine what they could have been if they were more explosive or raw. When that stops making me feel the pain I desire, I will start fantasizing about the future, an idealized vision of what I must attain to be content like the others. My vision will always be miles out of reach, and so I will withdraw into myself to lament about the impossible distance between reality and the necessary ideal, but I will never move toward it enough to make it a reality, because if I do that, then I will lose this sense of deficiency and pain that is necessary for me to feel like I have significance. I am not significant in the way the others are, and so I must cling to this sense of lack and being unfit for this world. I will not talk about this with this level of rawness to others, because no one will understand me. Instead, I will withdraw and hope someone comes to me and saves me from my suffering. In fact, I will fantasize about this. It may be an ex I never got over, or it could be the cute guy who rang me up at the gas station this morning. There was something about him... he possessed something that I do not possess, and I think we could have a beautiful life together, traveling, dining, and exploring one another's souls. When none of the above works, and it never will, I will sabotage my life to ensure that this emotional turmoil never runs dry. I might instigate a fight with my boyfriend, or I might dramatically quit my job, or I may indulge in excess alcohol and willingly spiral into the abyss. I will never have what I want, so I may as well indulge in my fantasies and losses so that the intentionally amplified emotions give me a sense of identity in being a black swan with broken wings."
4 is not nearly as pretty as it wants to be.

If you think I got any of that from reading, you are sorely mistaken.

I do think you have a 4-fix secondary, which greatly flavors who you are.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

I should note that my description of 4 is heavily social-blind biased. 4s with social with have more consideration in their fantasies and theatrics for their inability to measure up to the societal ideal. They may have more fantasies of being famous or receiving awards, for example.

 

[Caribelle]

I think ESFP

 

[Agent Washington]

*looks up from my crystal ball* 4w5, NF.

 

[Pionart]

I clearly notice Fi and Te and the contest in your mind between them. I got the impression that the Fi was the non-preferred function because you highlight the negativity associated with it.

Given some N cues (e.g. creative), and Ni in particular (e.g. original), I had thought perhaps INTJ, but I believe I've typed you before as INFP with a strong Te influence/modulation.

I'll just leave it as N+Te+Fi.

 

[hjgbujhghg]

[MENTION=32874]Vendrah[/MENTION]
Thank you for your opinion. Even when the difference between my T and F is relatively low, I still believe I'm more F. I've taken TypoC test before, but can't find my results, so I took it again.
INFP - Fi>Ne>Ni>Fe=Ti>Se>Te>Si


[MENTION=38324]Caribelle[/MENTION] interesting, why do you think so?
[MENTION=31909]Ogata[/MENTION] Why do you think 5 wing over 3 and what kind of NF?

 

[Vendrah]

[MENTION=32874]Vendrah[/MENTION]
Thank you for your opinion. Even when the difference between my T and F is relatively low, I still believe I'm more F. I've taken TypoC test before, but can't find my results, so I took it again.
INFP - Fi>Ne>Ni>Fe=Ti>Se>Te>Si

View attachment 21463

[MENTION=38324]Caribelle[/MENTION] interesting, why do you think so?

[MENTION=31909]Ogata[/MENTION] Why do you think 5 wing over 3 and what kind of NF?

Your results from cognitive functions go for ENFP or INFP, can´t really tell. I understood that typology central took INFP because Fi being higher than ne, but by the third or last function cant be definided. But by seeing the text I think you are ambivert, I would take xNFP.

 

[hjgbujhghg]

Now I wonder if [MENTION=31348]Peter Deadpan[/MENTION] might be right about me not being a 4. I mean, I've overidentified with the type for such a long time, maybe it blurred my perception of it. Does anyone feel like analyzing this? (sorry if it's too long, I don't feel like doing the questionnaire way this time).

I think that my greatest goal and desire in life is to make something out myself, to reach success and probably also certain level of fame and public recognition. There had been huge contradictions in my life regarding my self and it formed a lot of contrast in me and the way I view myself. I was bullied and constantly put down by many of peers, I have always been an outsider, I've told how ugly, undesirable and weird I am my whole childhood and teenage years. Yet I have also been told how talented, creative and original I was when it comes to art. I really felt gifted in a way and believed that I could use my talents and be a successful artist. Even though there were always people putting me down, there also were always those who gave me a lot of prace and attention for my talents. I think it created a sort of love/hate relationship with myself a part of me has always felt proud and another part has felt extreme shame.

Given these facts, I felt like I need to prove myself to people. To show my bullies and people that have put me down or made me feel shameful that I'm more than they think. I wanted them to see me as someone worthy of their positive attention. I could never really bare the fact that there are people who think of me as something less than them. I'm even now as an adult super focused on group hierarchy and people's place within groups. I always rather end up as a complete outcast than being someone average. Perhaps because I put so much emphasis on it, I struggle with fitting in and social anxiety so much.

The positive attention has never come from everyone, and I started to ask myself why. What is wrong with me? Why am I unperfect? Why am I weird? Why am not good enough to people to like me? So I started to obsess over creating a perfect person, someone who could without a single flaw. Someone who is smart, educated, talented, artistic, gifted, stylish, beautiful, skinny. I put the expectations on myself so high that it lead to many psychological issues and I bet myself up to become perfect to be flawless and worthy of everyone to admire me.

But people are not flawless, and I'm by far not a perfect person. I couldn't handle or understand my imperfections, so naturally self hatred and depression came in the way. I really started to dwell and cultivate my melancholy and sad moods. It has become a part of my ideal self, since it felt perfect to me, the sadness was as good as it was bad for me.

The biggest contrast in this is the fact that I'm extremely aware of who I am and how exactly I'm absolutely different from everyone around me. I feel like I'm nothing like people I know and most of them honestly seem to be boring and very basic. I don't want to be like them, 'cause I despise most of them, yet I really want them to like me. At the same time I'm unwilling to compromise any of my likes, ideas, opinions and beliefs in order to appeal more likeable for someone. I'm willing to fight for them, represent them, live by them and go against everyone in the society for my values and beliefs. Even if I'd be the last person standing, my opinions and values are my armor that nobody gets to touch.

Even my ideal self is not your mainstream idea of someone perfect, even though I'm more than aware of what people want. I try to find a compromise between my ideals and other's ideals, but it still feel like I'm too different for them to ever be really liked and admired by all of them.

On the other hand, I have a distant memory of me as a child, before I was bullied, and I remember I was completely different. The bullying changed me and transformed into this person obsessed with other people's opinions. I remember a carefree and hyperactive child who wanted to be free and travel the world. Before everything that fucked me up happened, I had dreams of ultimate freedom, life without obligations and limitations.

This part is still there and it actually feels like my inner child, the real and only me I had lost contact with such a long time ago. This person who wanted nothing but living freely according to her own values and principles. Spontaneous and open to do anything at any given moment, waiting for the future to bring possibilities and more freedom. Now I'm full of anxieties and black scenarios.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

I don't know if this helps, but I suspect that 4s, 5s, and many 9s probably felt like shadows as children, or even invisible.

There's actually a high school choir photo with me in it, all of us lined up in our usual spots. Everyone's name is listed... except for mine, which is replaced with a blank underscore. I don't think anyone knew who I was, and I had only 2 close friends. I spent an awful lot of time (most of it) looking at the beautiful, popular girls and making note of what they physically had that I didn't. I still check out other women obsessively and deep down feel hideous.

That's probably why I've put so much effort into being "loud" and noticeable on social media/the forum.

 

[typologyenthusiast]

An INFP, my best guess.
I wonder what is your art.