Allyrianne
New member
- Joined
- Sep 16, 2018
- Messages
- 17
I could be utterly mistyped, or could be precisely, accurately typed..
I usually write to express what's in my inner world. Inside, it's quite turbulent and random, but there's that certainty in the existence of all that's within. I have no talents in the visual arts or craftsmanship, but I do appreciate aesthetics and how they strike me, what meanings they evoke in my mind and how I feel overall. Here are a few of my writings; my thoughts and questions, that could help you describe my true type:
I usually write to express what's in my inner world. Inside, it's quite turbulent and random, but there's that certainty in the existence of all that's within. I have no talents in the visual arts or craftsmanship, but I do appreciate aesthetics and how they strike me, what meanings they evoke in my mind and how I feel overall. Here are a few of my writings; my thoughts and questions, that could help you describe my true type:
I may be a really complex kind of person. You may not understand the details of my being. But know that the world of emotions never lie. They inevitably manifest in all that is me. You will see the beauty amidst the chaos, the reason behind the idiosyncrasy. So, fear not. Be kind and don't judge me easily.. then you can take a glance at the vast world that's within me.
For the past few weeks, I've been talking to my best friend about how I'm falling for a guy. It started when I heard him talk during one conference call in Skype. I was caught completely off guard by my own sense of idealization. Just because of this guy's voice, a surge of warm and light-hued feelings came blooming from my mind. I was head over heels into him already. But last night, I knew from one of my best friend's friends that the guy has a wife and 3 kids already! I felt an intense dissonance.. I've always hated family-wreckers and third parties. But I've found myself developing feelings for someone who has his life built already, something that I would never ever thought of disrupting. My mind is in chaos, I feel this intense guilt and self-loathing for falling for someone who already belongs to someone! The self hatred for being so impulsive, for not testing the waters before jumping in, for the lack of sight of the situation. I wish I could forgive myself. I've learned that the guy was working hard for his 3 kids and his loving wife. Such sight I would never want to taint. Good thing only my friend knows about it. I can't just turn off these feelings, but I'm extremely thankful for hearing such story. How I wish I'd forgive myself soon.
Imagine that ball of crystal containing and sealing all your innocence and ineptness, as well as your weaknesses and your immature self. As you grow by experience, as your knowledge expands, the volume of all that is stored increases, continuously expanding and gradually — through years of highs and lows — you feel like the glass is breaking. At the border lies all the paradox and idiosyncrasies; visions flash indefinitely, some are quite distorted but slowly manifesting with such soundness, beauty and clarity. A steady gush of realizations flood the insides, the glass keeps shattering and you're no longer the same. Day by day, you realize the broken pieces aren't gone at all, but they start to aggregate and form an even larger crystal ball, shimmering with all the newfound wisdom, ever shining in all its divine grandeur.
Sometimes, it's not about you. They probably have something else going on, too. Don't sulk in silence. Just think they have their own battles too, just like you have yours. You don't have to think everything is against you. They probably don't even know you're thinking so.
Bittersweet.
The moment you let go of all your feelings for someone. Feeling sad for the death of a love, while being happy for the newfound freedom. It's like a breath of fresh air, a calming heave that you so longed for.
How do you accept the world's harsh reality? People would ultimately act based on personal interests. You choose who to talk to, to pay attention to. You choose to ignore the ones you don't find interesting. Things would never be all fine and dandy. Some people would treat you as someone insignificant while the same other human being would get treated nicely. You come to like someone and hold them in high regard, but they would take you for granted, worse, would ignore you while they hold someone else in high regard. You don't qualify as someone's friend but some others are overqualified. You're being nice yet some not-so-nice person seems more worthy of such friendship.
I don't wanna go somewhere
I don't wanna leave your side
I'd be so lost away from you
Moving forward, but feeling empty
I don't wanna go somewhere
It's in your heart, I found home
Your arms make me feel safe
So lost and drunk in your love
Let me hold on to your hands
Trembling, shaking, don't go
Feel your warmth and mine
Meld in the sweetness of time
Sorry for the stupid question but, is it wrong for me to "heart" react on a guy's photo post even if we're not that close? Just wanna know how my behavior looks like from the outside.
Have you ever felt that paralyzing fear of the unknown? When you realize you're just a grain of sand blown adrift through an ocean of the universe's mysteries. When you can conceive something that breaks and distorts the laws of nature yet your subconscious whispers, visions of a paradox manifesting one way or another — ephemeral.
When all that we see and we know are none but a fraction of what constitutes an infinite amount of dimensions woven intricately; ever elastic and dynamic, intertwined for all and beyond eternity. A single drop of change; the superconscious goes rippling, reality shifts — divine.
How confident are you that the logic and order that we have seen and lived by in our reality is a fundamental principle to which the entire cosmos adheres to?
What if the natural balance that we have come to settle down to is all but an acute representation of how both the material and immaterial world meld at a focal point where chaos and order go on about in an infinite spiral of distortion and reconstitution?
What if our concept of order is none but an immature form of how we ought to establish civilizations greater than we have seen ours? And that we are still subject to further waves of evolution to reach a certain degree of actualization?
What if our so-called logic is a limiting factor in itself and that there probably lie a billion more fundamentally sound principles being followed by some other sentient beings?
Does your mind handle so many thoughts at once that while you're typing, you type another word that rhymes with it and then people would make fun of you for it? Like when I intended to type "weight" and then somewhere in my subconscious I could be thinking of something else and then I typed "wait" instead?
Sometimes I just wanna rest my mind in slumber
And dream of that piece who's just out there in the world.
My heart wants to ask him, "How are you doing at this very moment?";
"Do you feel a sting each time I bleed?"; "I am holding on for you."
"I can't wait, I need to spread my wings and fly to where you are."
Anyone else find it EXTREMELY hard processing anger+frustration? When I truly get mad, all my speech gets distorted; I would tremble and tears would just keep flowing. I find it extremely uncomfortable especially when it's hard to breathe.
We grow in silence.
Sometimes we may question our ways when we silently compare our reality with others'. Sometimes we feel isolated when we experience something that others fail to see or comprehend, or relate to. But we have to keep growing anyway. I believe the experience of human emotions can never be irrational, except in cases of physiological anomalies. We may think some of our experience to be "irrational" on a logical standpoint, but human emotions are as nuanced as the universe contains realities we couldn't have possibly conceived yet. It may be "irrational" for one to imagine a future where humans willfully control and produce fire by the hands, but what do we really know about the universe's truth? Thousands of years from now, humanity may evolve to a point where such "irrational" thought become a possibility, a norm, a common notion; and the rippling forethought of the following millennia begins, knowledge expands and we'd be as ever cognizant of the things that befall upon us. So, it's hard to dismiss real lived experience as "irrational" when we aren't even fully aware of what possibilities exist out there, of the soundness of our concepts with regards to logic and rationalism, not even the thought of what could be lacking on its end.
Perhaps it's fair to call it "irrational" as of our time whilst working towards giving meaning to truth unraveling, the march of time lives on.
How do you effectively kill feelings?
You see this wonder boy and he just feels so right and clean, but every cell in your body that still believes in rationalism are already screaming "NO". He's out of my league? Sure! But I don't think it's all that. Everything between me and the fine man that he is, is just scientifically improbable. I keep Googling ways on how to deal with this but there were no clear answers. So, I'll try and hear out sort of "real time" answers. How would you guys manage this? (All other things aren't an option except to watch him from afar. Something so close in your reach but is ultimately untouchable.)
I feel like I'm gradually being corrupted.
Each day I find new reasons to despise humanity, including my own. I used to radiate light to the people around me, but now I find myself in an abyss I once thought was just a nightmare. I used to dream of things from afar, hopeful of what tomorrow brings. Now, I just wanna see the world burn. I'm afraid of moving on forward with these kind of thoughts. I wanna give in to the urge of vengeance and passive-aggressiveness. The more I expose myself to a lot of people, the more I learn of all the greater evils out there. Vanity, apathy, greed, self-interest, the list goes on...
Sometimes I wish there's an easier and a painless exit.
I feel like I wanna scream but I couldn't. I feel a throb in my chest as if I'm about to explode.
Ever had that realization that we're just minuscule entities tiptoeing on a thread of universal balance, that what- and whoever strays far from it will inevitably get removed from the system? How nature can be both savage and beautiful!
Anyway, what did you guys have for breakfast?
I value solitude, I really do. It gives me a space to unravel my inner world; to swim through the clouds of metaphors; to fly through my own castle in the sky, feeling the gentle zephyr caress my fragile soul. As the golden rays of Sol pierce through the blissful clouds of infinite dreams, there, I stood, watching the world beneath. Such beauty in chaos, a quintessential realization of what I believe is a stream of optimism, and in happiness I wept — the sweetness of time.
I value solitude, I passionately do. But there's this thirst inside me; I long for a soul's warm touch. A soul brave enough to fight the monsters in me; someone who would fear nothing of my inner darkness; a gaping void of desolation that keeps growing within me.. until.. the light of him vanquishes it. A soul exuding the stereotypical masculine strength that grounds my volatile, yet frail person; with arms strong enough to make me feel soundly safe. But then, amidst all that strength lies a gentle and vulnerable core; the gentle vanguard that he is. I feel like I can't be alone. Had I been fated to traverse a solitary path in life, it is only through sheer forbearance that I should choose to exist lest my demons run amok.
I value solitude, I honestly do. But why do I feel this unquenchable thirst of wanting to know more about people? Why am I so interested in knowing what and how people are like? What makes them? Yet, I try to avoid the presence of many. I have this fascination with people's inner workings; to peer into something that could be all but the same with mine. Why do I want to know more about people yet I prefer for them not to be in close proximity, both literally and figuratively?
Even scarred hearts make for a beautiful art.
Heart torn, colors leak — ebb and flow.
Bloom, paint your sullen world.
Hold on, dear one.
In shadows, we sing our song; our facade remains strong.
In dreams we shed tears; a sanctuary to hide all our fears.
So I looked at him one last time; such eyes make me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. I thought, "what I'd give to have those eyes gaze upon me the way you do gaze upon her.."
1, 2, 3.. Heart starts racing.. dance, rhythm.. the clock ticks.. 4, 5, 6.. weep, smile.. the hands of time.
I whispered, "but someone has your heart already. I'm truly happy for you. Dreams don't always come true, but I'm content to be as close to it as I look at you.. spark, shimmer.. the flame still burns within."
I've been wondering about this for a while now, why do I strangely get so drawn to anything that implies sadness? Most of the music that I've come to like were all about breakups and heartaches, and I would only realize it long after I've listened to them for some time. It feels like my subconscious just went adrift into this desolate ocean. I've never had any romantic relationship in all my 29 years, so how could I possibly even know how sad it feels to have a heart shatter into such beautiful pieces? But I feel something so strongly when I listen to such music, and it feels like I couldn't get enough of the sting I feel. I also find myself strangely drawn towards people sharing stories of a recent breakup or an ended marriage (especially when the guy is the one leaving.) I feel even more strongly when I see the tears fall and when I feel that genuine, fresh pain; it feels quite addictive just listening to them (except for some lame stories with shallow reasons.) It doesn't mean that I'm happy for those breakups, and it also doesn't mean I don't feel sorry for them. It just feels like I already have this bleeding wound inside and the more I hear of those stories from people, the more the wound ruptures and it just feels painfully awesome to see colors ebb and flow. Amidst all this, I'm still quite not ready for any sort of intimacy (the 29 years of emptiness speaks for it.) I'm not someone you'll find fully committed, and I'll probably spend more time on the things I want and the things that pique my interest than conforming to a set role and responsibility. I just have this fascination of recreating experiences I haven't even gone through — bittersweet. Does anyone else experience this? What do you call this type of behavior?
