Video: INFJ Door Slam

[highlander]

INFJs have you done this? What is the purpose of it? Why be so binary/absolute?

Others have you been door slammed? How did you experience it?

It's supposedly a last resort defense mechanism where the INFJ puts up a huge wall. There are two kinds
1. Raw emotional doorslam - INFJ feels really hurt. The person violated and betrayed you in some way or you feel they don't care about you.
2. Rational thought out door closed - This works when the iNFJ uses it on a thinking type. It is more calm and reasoned out. Maybe you felt they didn't care about you and you made a lot of effort to talk to them. They feel the relationship is too one sided

The common thread is feeling like the INFJ is putting in all the work and the other person through their behaviors or actions is not perceived as reciprocating. The INFJ just moves on.

 

[Forever]

If I understand, INFJ door slam is rather absolute and final and there's no turning back. I believe I got doorslammed from non-infj types (or at least I don't think they are).

Well I could see is that INFJ's don't like to have toxic feelings and being overused. At least that's how I see it. Being too humble and submissive to others can lead you to being used so much (sorry for sounding redundant) that you can't take it. It's a strong aversion, you see nothing but only that person wishes to inflict harm on you regardless if that person is aware of it or not. It's a sad feeling knowing I had to do it. It's very rare that I do this and it's usually with people who are like former roommates, like I had one who would always make fun of how I laugh, how I talk, and I honestly did nothing to that sucker. He ruined my books I lent him, I felt so abused and he didn't care, he'd steal my stuff.

And what's worse he started making fun of me AFTER I forgave him in front of others. I doorslammed him to keep myself sane and don't want to ever see people like him again. There's no reason to. I think he was an unhealthy ISTP but I don't judge the rest of ISTP's like that based on only him, I've met others who are kind and like to do their own thing. How most IXXP types are anyway from my experience.

I may do mini-doorslams like if the person is just illogical in their reasoning and you can't argue with them without them using too many fallacies or simply just don't care and only want to make you feel bad. (but they can be re-opened again, I just don't want to do anything with you for a few days to a year usually and I'll observe how you treat others, kind of like an internal appeal process)

I definitely think that doorslams over-all is an INFJ weakness for sure. But I only do it very sparingly and they usually have to interact with me a whole ton to deserve that kind of treatment from me, it's not always warranted, but so far I haven't really regretted ever doing so.

If this counts.. I emotionally "doorslam" my past girlfriends, I don't have any feelings for them but whatever they go in life, I hope they're happy.

So all and all, it's to protect ourselves from bad people. To be straight and simple. Also because we're usually so grey, sometimes an absolute can be comforting knowing that they won't ever really be a problem again. (hopefully)

 

[Kullervo]

This has happened to me before, and I have done it to someone else myself as well. In general, it is a last resort when you feel exhausted, tied down and frustrated by the other person. They must add a lot of stress to the INFJ's life, and it follows that the only way to cut those emotions out is to be rid of them.

I don't feel inclined to elucidate beyond that both times women were involved. But yes, it always sucks.

 

[highlander]

I don't know why INFJs have a tendency to do this more than other types. It seems like irrational/harmful/unproductive behavior. Why not address the issues earlier than wait till they get to some kind of boiling point and then cut the person off.

 

[Kullervo]

I don't know why INFJs have a tendency to do this more than other types.

Feelings, a desire to be loyal to and show compassion for the other person's problems?

It seems like irrational/harmful/unproductive behavior. Why not address the issues earlier than wait till they get to some kind of boiling point and then cut the person off.

INFJs tend to bond very closely. We will internalise any stressful, negative emotions that conflict might create, and (when unhealthy) tend to have abandonment fears. So at first, it's easy to just sweep things under the carpet. This is also why I believe it's important for an INFJ to have a partner who is direct and forthright, someone who'll air any concerns directly and prove those fears wrong. This is one reason why an ENTP or ESTP is a good fit. The same or similar functions, but a different order (and hence interaction style).

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

I don't think this is type related.

 

[Ene]

First, thanks for posting.
I have used a door slam only once, on a stalker. I felt it was justified, needed. But I've used a door close several times in my life, mostly because I realized that person didn't care enough about me to even notice that I had walked away. I was a convenience, a tool or a possession in their eyes. I left the door unlocked, in case they wanted to open it and say, "hey, I miss you." There comes a time in a person's life when you realize that you are not responsible for everyone else's happiness, you are not their sidekick, not their puppet, not their trophy. You are an individual person and your life is just as important as theirs. In other words, I bent over backwards for them and acted like I was a pet or something. Once I cut a friend out because she drained me so much.

 

[Betty Blue]

I don't know why INFJs have a tendency to do this more than other types. It seems like irrational/harmful/unproductive behavior. Why not address the issues earlier than wait till they get to some kind of boiling point and then cut the person off.

I have definately doorslammed a fair few people, for very similar reasons. Abusing friendships, using me, betraying trust etc. I got to a stage where I had to turn things around and that meant cutting off unhealthy and toxic relationships... after that ... ummm... 'realisation' point I have been much more careful about who I let close, I'm much more guarded and have much higher self preservation. It took a long time though because I really wanted to believe those people were good at their core.... I came to realise that I was not to blame and to keep myself safe I had to end those relationships.


The only thing that is different is that I would forgive them if i believed they truly had changed.

 

[highlander]

Feelings, a desire to be loyal to and show compassion for the other person's problems?

INFJs tend to bond very closely. We will internalise any stressful, negative emotions that conflict might create, and (when unhealthy) tend to have abandonment fears. So at first, it's easy to just sweep things under the carpet. This is also why I believe it's important for an INFJ to have a partner who is direct and forthright, someone who'll air any concerns directly and prove those fears wrong. This is one reason why an ENTP or ESTP is a good fit. The same or similar functions, but a different order (and hence interaction style).

First, thanks for posting.
I have used a door slam only once, on a stalker. I felt it was justified, needed. But I've used a door close several times in my life, mostly because I realized that person didn't care enough about me to even notice that I had walked away. I was a convenience, a tool or a possession in their eyes. I left the door unlocked, in case they wanted to open it and say, "hey, I miss you." There comes a time in a person's life when you realize that you are not responsible for everyone else's happiness, you are not their sidekick, not their puppet, not their trophy. You are an individual person and your life is just as important as theirs. In other words, I bent over backwards for them and acted like I was a pet or something. Once I cut a friend out because she drained me so much.

That's helpful.

One of the things that is bothering me in all these descriptions though is that there is an implicit blaming of all the relationship problems on the other person. It's as if the INFJ is saying I've done everything I could and am just not being treated the way that I should (whatever way that supposedly is which presumably is unique to them as an individual). Relationships are always a two way street and it's rare for stuff to be all one person's fault. To blame it all on the other person is wrong.

As to "loyalty" - the behavior seems to be the antithesis of that. I have had an INTJ friend since college. Sometimes we don't talk to each other for years at a time. He stays with me thick and thin. I do the same with him. That's loyalty. Bringing someone in really close and then suddenly dumping them on the side of the road because the relationship dynamic is hurting you isn't loyalty. It seems like dis-functional relational behavior due to a failure to set normal or appropriate boundaries and an inability to to deal with conflict in a constructive manner.

 

[Ivy]

I don't think it is always (or even usually) a matter of blame. It's a matter of knowing how much energy you have to invest, and deciding where to direct it- and where not to direct it.

 

[Lexicon]

I don't know why INFJs have a tendency to do this more than other types. It seems like irrational/harmful/unproductive behavior. Why not address the issues earlier than wait till they get to some kind of boiling point and then cut the person off.

Cutting contact with someone entirely is an extreme rarity for me. It's markedly difficult for anyone to really hurt or offend me in any significant way - Few people are allowed to get close enough to deeply grasp any of my vulnerabilities in the first place. When that trust is violated - sometimes repeatedly - it can be pretty heartbreaking, to say the least.


I make it a hard & fast rule to address issues as they arise (or as close to the event as possible), because waiting/leaving things unresolved just eats away at me. I can't function carrying around turmoil & tension that can easily be addressed through talking.. even if talking is sometimes a bit daunting.

Only after repeated - very direct - attempts to reach mutual understanding/amicably resolve the issue to whatever extent it can be, will I resort to a 'no contact' route. This has happened in my life perhaps 4-5 times, if that. Every time, it was incredibly painful to do so, but necessary for my own psychological welfare.

I try to give the benefit of the doubt that whoever I've allowed myself to get close with would not intentionally try to cause me emotional harm. But everyone's got their baggage (myself included) - and sometimes they don't mean to, or don't fully realize what they're doing. I'd still address it, & talk it out, as it would nonetheless leave an emotional impact that required communication. Often, in the past, this understanding/compassion has allowed me to excuse certain unhealthy actions, which in turn allowed them to continue. Eventually, realizing there is no healthy resolution for the relationship other than to walk away, I accept it, and do just that.

Again, I have only ever done this about 4-5 times in my life. One involved a mentally ill person suffering delusions, who stalked me. I'd say any type would have cut contact in that situation, for their own safety. Another involved a physically & psychologically abusive ex boyfriend. The others were unhealthy relationships of some kind or another that led to more pain/distress than anything positive for either one of us. I don't wish anything bad on any of them, & hope they find peace/fulfillment in their lives. I just can't be part of it. I only have so much energy/trust to give.

 

[Starry]

I have definately doorslammed a fair few people, for very similar reasons. Abusing friendships, using me, betraying trust etc. I got to a stage where I had to turn things around and that meant cutting off unhealthy and toxic relationships... after that ... ummm... 'realisation' point I have been much more careful about who I let close, I'm much more guarded and have much higher self preservation. It took a long time though because I really wanted to believe those people were good at their core.... I came to realise that I was not to blame and to keep myself safe I had to end those relationships.


The only thing that is different is that I would forgive them if i believed they truly had changed.

What you describe above does not necessarily tie into what I will say now... But I have read that 7s desire to avoid what has been deemed real or potential pain by them...coupled with their connection to 5s nihilism... gives them the ability to quickly unplug and cut-off all feelings of affection and obligation for another person. <-Which I most certainly identify with.

I think the only true difference between the ENFP and INFJ "doorslam" is once Fi has disengaged and I'm back to dealing in (only) dom Ne with a person...I could, if I saw fit, maintain communication with the cut-off person until I had manipulated my way out of the relationship - if that makes sense... which changes the look and feel of things.

^I don't know how likely/easy it would be for an INFJ to do the same.

 

[five sounds]

What you describe above does not necessarily tie into what I will say now... But I have read that 7s desire to avoid what has been deemed real or potential pain by them...coupled with their connection to 5s nihilism... gives them the ability to quickly unplug and cut-off all feelings of affection and obligation for another person. <-Which I most certainly identify with.

I think the only true difference between the ENFP and INFJ "doorslam" is once Fi has disengaged and I'm back to dealing in (only) dom Ne with a person...I could, if I saw fit, maintain communication with the cut-off person until I had manipulated my way out of the relationship if - that makes sense... which changes the look and feel of things.

^I don't know how likely/easy it would be for an INFJ to do the same.

Totally relate to this. I can emotionally disengage with a person way before I walk away. Fe types don't seem to understand the concept of interacting with someone but keeping your feelings separate and isolated from them. It's an almost too easy switch for me to make, and I've offended an Fe user or two in my day by interacting with people they deemed bad or emotionally dangerous. My argument is that I only allow people to have access to that part of me if I deem them worthy. And I'm really good at keeping it superficial but still warm.

 

[1487610420]

I don't know why INFJs have a tendency to do this more than other types. It seems like irrational/harmful/unproductive behavior. Why not address the issues earlier than wait till they get to some kind of boiling point and then cut the person off.

cuz they can't bruh.

 

[Starry]

Totally relate to this. I can emotionally disengage with a person way before I walk away. Fe types don't seem to understand the concept of interacting with someone but keeping your feelings separate and isolated from them. It's an almost too easy switch for me to make, and I've offended an Fe user or two in my day by interacting with people they deemed bad or emotionally dangerous. My argument is that I only allow people to have access to that part of me if I deem them worthy. And I'm really good at keeping it superficial but still warm.

Well, I should say that I'm really good at keeping it superficial but still warm... when I want which is rarely heh *nervous*. And I've been scolded by Fe a million times over for "keepin it a little too real" when Fe had decided diplomacy was what the occasion required.

I don't see Ne/Fi vs Ni/Fe as functionally all that different from one another. What I believe happens most often is we're inclined to do the same exact things at entirely different times (729 will take kindness more seriously than most people will.)

 

[Rambling]

That's helpful.

One of the things that is bothering me in all these descriptions though is that there is an implicit blaming of all the relationship problems on the other person. It's as if the INFJ is saying I've done everything I could and am just not being treated the way that I should (whatever way that supposedly is which presumably is unique to them as an individual). Relationships are always a two way street and it's rare for stuff to be all one person's fault. To blame it all on the other person is wrong.

As to "loyalty" - the behavior seems to be the antithesis of that. I have had an INTJ friend since college. Sometimes we don't talk to each other for years at a time. He stays with me thick and thin. I do the same with him. That's loyalty. Bringing someone in really close and then suddenly dumping them on the side of the road because the relationship dynamic is hurting you isn't loyalty. It seems like dis-functional relational behavior due to a failure to set normal or appropriate boundaries and an inability to to deal with conflict in a constructive manner.

Yes. I agree with you. Failure to discuss and resolve issues isn't fair on the other person, for a start.

 

[Betty Blue]

What you describe above does not necessarily tie into what I will say now... But I have read that 7s desire to avoid what has been deemed real or potential pain by them...coupled with their connection to 5s nihilism... gives them the ability to quickly unplug and cut-off all feelings of affection and obligation for another person. <-Which I most certainly identify with.

I think the only true difference between the ENFP and INFJ "doorslam" is once Fi has disengaged and I'm back to dealing in (only) dom Ne with a person...I could, if I saw fit, maintain communication with the cut-off person until I had manipulated my way out of the relationship - if that makes sense... which changes the look and feel of things.

^I don't know how likely/easy it would be for an INFJ to do the same.

It makes sense, I have been asked how I can be so cold and not be willing to discuss how to save a relationship. I think Fi holds these things internally until Ne has exhausted possibilities at which point there is no return. Then we are ready to communicate this. It doesn't mean we have not tried the possibilities, it means we have reached the end of the journey.

 

[Kullervo]

This is going to be a long response, sorry...

That's helpful.

One of the things that is bothering me in all these descriptions though is that there is an implicit blaming of all the relationship problems on the other person. It's as if the INFJ is saying I've done everything I could and am just not being treated the way that I should (whatever way that supposedly is which presumably is unique to them as an individual). Relationships are always a two way street and it's rare for stuff to be all one person's fault. To blame it all on the other person is wrong.

I hope that's not the impression I am giving off. I can freely acknowledge that my poor emotional regulation worsened both of the situations I've talked about. Until late last year I had clinical depression and was in a very destructive Ni-Ti loop, so lacked the emotional maturity to truly love someone else. I couldn't give much. At the back of my mind was the knowledge that while you can probably always do more, you must take care of yourself before you can another, and the girls I was dating were in the same situation. Mysterious with a tragic past (which superficially sounds very attractive). Can you imagine how exhausting it is absorbing negativity from someone you're trying to feeling attracted to and aroused by, often, when you're feeling like utter shit yourself? Sex isn't fun either because both parties only want to take - be held, comforted, transformed - but can't provide that transcendence to their partner.

This is the cruel nature of depression, it wrecks havoc in relationships, as I found out. And I would say I've had a bad track record of codependent relationships. Look up E4 at Level 7 to 8 of health, that's what I was like until very recently. I am at Level 5 now.

As to "loyalty" - the behavior seems to be the antithesis of that. I have had an INTJ friend since college. Sometimes we don't talk to each other for years at a time. He stays with me thick and thin. I do the same with him. That's loyalty. Bringing someone in really close and then suddenly dumping them on the side of the road because the relationship dynamic is hurting you isn't loyalty. It seems like dis-functional relational behavior due to a failure to set normal or appropriate boundaries and an inability to to deal with conflict in a constructive manner.

Unlike our INTJ cousins, INFJs can't "not talk" for years at a time because we have a strong need for intimacy, which, at least for me, means frequent sexual contact merged with an emotional commitment. I want love, I want to get married and have kids. If you want me to be upfront, the reason I doorslammed the girl I did was because she kept delaying "rites of passage" in our relationship yet had no qualms toying with my emotions, leading me on with sex only to disappear for a while (or at least that's how I interpreted it). I have a strong need for security in relationships (4w3, 6 fix) and have posted elsewhere on the forum about how deeply I loathe flaky, avoidant women.

I will also qualify that I have never "brought someone in really close" only to dump them. The girl I doorslammed was very much attracted to me, but we'd only been going out for a month and there were some things about her past which always made me highly uncomfortable...like that she'd just decided to move over a thousand miles from the other end of the country down here, without an explanation...that was her story I might elucidate in my blog sometime.

FTR: I strongly suspect she was also an INFJ 4w3 actually, very very similar personality to me. Too similar...which brings me back to my point about complimentary traits, growth, and what we need. Learned this the hard way - ESTP women here I come

 

[Ene]

I don't think it is always (or even usually) a matter of blame. It's a matter of knowing how much energy you have to invest, and deciding where to direct it- and where not to direct it.

Exactly. My door closings have never been on someone I really "let in" in the first place. If you get truly let in, you're in for life. As I said, they're more about people whom I realized really only wanted to drain me, use me, stalk me, threaten me, etc. There are people in this world who will do that, people who will take and take and take and suck your life's energy until you have nothing left to give, and sometimes, you have to cut them loose and let them go simply to survive, mentally, emotionally and sometimes, physically, too.

 

[Kullervo]

Exactly. My door closings have never been on someone I really "let in" in the first place. If you get truly let in, you're in for life. As I said, they're more about about people whom I realized really only wanted to drain me, use me, stalk me, threaten me, etc. There are people in this world who will do that, people who will take and take and take and suck your life's energy until you have nothing left to give, and sometimes, you have to cut them loose and let them go.

IME they are much more likely to just be struggling emotionally and the natural impulse most people feel in that situation is to look for someone who can offer them stability and warmth. However I do agree that in practice, this still creates a destructive dynamic where you start to feel more depressed and drained...until it is all too much. I used to be one of those people, and more lately, I have been the one looking after them. It sucks, but you make it sound as if someone would be miserable on purpose, for some kind of sadistic pleasure.