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Video: INFJ Communication Style

highlander

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[MENTION=8936]highlander[/MENTION] I would LOVE to! Haha. As some of you know, I am an author. I often get invited to visit libraries, colleges, festivals, etc., to do readings and book talks. I also perform from time to time with my guitar. Afterwards, people will come up and talk to me. I'll sign books for them, take photos with their kids, etc., Sometimes, however, there will be someone in the crowd who feels "destined" to know me better. And the next thing I know somebody is stalking me, insisting that fate meant us to be together or something along those lines. I know it sounds unreal, but it has happened to me more than once. I'm just a lowly unknown writer. I can't even begin to imagine how it is for celebrities.

I've received all sorts of invitations from people who feel connected to me.

I wonder if that is an INFJ thing or a writer thing.

So it's people you don't really know then?
 

Ene

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I wonder if that is an INFJ thing or a writer thing.

So it's people you don't really know then?

It's people who don't know me well. They've seen me or spoken with me at a public function, etc.

You may be right. It could be a writer thing. I, too, wonder if it is an INFJ thing or not. It would be interesting to find out.
 

highlander

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It's people who don't know me well. They've seen me or spoken with me at a public function, etc.

You may be right. I wonder if it is an INFJ thing or not. It would be interesting to find out.

Others agreed with your list, [MENTION=7842]Z Buck McFate[/MENTION] [MENTION=15773]greenfairy[/MENTION]. I am curious as to their perspective.
 

Ene

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Others agreed with your list, [MENTION=7842]Z Buck McFate[/MENTION] [MENTION=15773]greenfairy[/MENTION]. I am curious as to their perspective.

Good idea. Me, too. I want to know what they think.
 

Z Buck McFate

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Others agreed with your list, [MENTION=7842]Z Buck McFate[/MENTION] [MENTION=15773]greenfairy[/MENTION]. I am curious as to their perspective.

The forum isn't giving me access to the previous pages/earlier posts of this thread right now, so I can't tell what this is about.
 

highlander

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The forum isn't giving me access to the previous pages/earlier posts of this thread right now, so I can't tell what this is about.

It is about number 8 in this post this post. Is this really something that is common to INFJs?
 

Z Buck McFate

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It is about number 8 in this post this post. Is this really something that is common to INFJs?

It's definitely the one I relate to the least, and I wouldn't say it's a big problem. I have had a few people claim to feel things that seemed really flaky to me because I have a hard time believe strong feelings (of almost any kind) are truly about me if someone hasn't known me a long time or had a lot of direct experience with me. It might be an INFJ thing to think that way (to be dubious of that kind of thing), but I doubt it's an INFJ thing to have more people like this than usual?
 

greenfairy

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I don't think Fi types are more focused on emotions than Fe types - just in a different way. I find Fe types use emotional expression far more for social bonding, which is not something IxFPs do much at all. To me, it just looks like goo goo ga ga noises, and I'm not really sure the point of it.

INFPs in particular are good at clarifying other people's emotions for them, as many others are crappy at that & INFPs practice it a lot; we bridge the emotion with its finer meaning. This is very much giving it a "classification" & "order" with the intellect. Introverted Feeling is rational reasoning, after all. It may seem we just get it automatically because we're good at knowing what emotions mean & probably better listeners too. Active-listening involves a lot of repeating back to someone in different phrasing and then letting them correct that, until greater & greater clarity is achieved. This is not a noted strength of Ni-doms, no, although INFJs are often erroneously called "good listeners".

The other difference is we don't give dictate application or push for closure. We're more likely to "guide" someone towards it, and it's generally because we know half the battle is understanding how you really feel/believe & what you really need/want to begin with. The idea is to create consistency with all of this, which often resolves any negative emotion. After that, options narrow considerably, and the ability to take action is restored since emotional obstacles are cleared.

Thanks for the clarification. I was going on communication with three NFP's I know well, particularly an ENFP (where the vagueness came from). That's good to know, and seems consistent with my experience. I for one suck at emotional consistency, and classification and order, and knowing what I want and all that, and though I may be worse at it than most, I suspect that many Fe users are as well- so we push for external organization so we aren't so confused. The ENFP I was recently dealing with is all about "going with the flow" with things including emotions, and we could never seem to connect on that point. It took having a huge fight for me to realize exactly how he operates, and I'm still not sure I really get him (other than intuitively and psychically).

Where INFJ's get a reputation for listening is that we do it in an analytical way; we compare and contrast how a person is with how other people are, and look for the underlying psychological principles. This along with intuition makes us able to size a person up pretty well. For better or worse though, it's in a detached way which Fi users may find impersonal.

Just out of curiosity, do you feel like this post is an example of you doing this (bolded) with greenfairy's post? It seems more like a reactive response to her post- to reciprocate some kind of perceived slight- instead of trying to clarify whether or not you understood it correctly. It seems to me like what I'm hearing is a reactive/defensive "here's why INFPs are actually the ones who are superior" reaction, as if it's in response to someone else trying to lay claim to being superior first- and what I don't see is you checking to see if that's what greenfairy meant in the first place. Am I mistaken?

I didn't take her post this way, only as speaking from her experience with NFJ's. Though there might be something there I missed. Anyway, I'm sorry INFP's if my post came across as offensive. It was just my sense of humor and frustration with a few experiences. As I said, I get equally frustrated with myself. Funny INFJ's spend so much time with so-called introspection, yet they never really seem to know themselves. I for one like these sorts of threads, even if people get offended, because it helps me understand how Fi users feel and not expect them to conform so much to my Fe expectations.


As for #8 on Ene's list, I haven't had that experience, so I expect it's a writer thing. It's more of an INFJ thing to attract people who want to be emotionally and psychically intimate with you, to tell you all their problems, because they feel like you can understand or something. So maybe it's a little of both? I have people do this with me, and I don't really mind since I find people interesting, but I have to avoid emotional vampires. Anyway, I actually have to be careful not to be too much this way with other INFJ's. I just feel like they have a lot of wisdom and will understand anything I tell them and provide some great piece of insight, or at least have a really interesting and unique perspective on things.
 

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Another thing, and I hope this isn't too off topic, but I was thinking about being personal vs. impersonal and how it differs with INFP's and INFJ's. I am interpreting Orangeappled's post as saying that INFJ's can be bad listeners because they aren't personal enough- so I wondered how I think of being personal. I don't really consider my emotions to be personal per se. I speculate that Fi users do, which is why they spend so much time being internally emotionally consistent. For me what feels more personal is what lies under that, why I am the way I am (Ni=why), so I project that onto other people. I think that to really get at the heart of someone is to figure out why they are the way they are, and to feel listened to in a personal way I want someone to pay attention to why I am the way I am- if I'm upset why, and if I'm happy why, and sometimes to help me figure it out if I don't already know. This may be important to do with INFJ's. But perhaps we need to realize that Fi users may value the "what" more than the "why" because it feels more personal to them, however they happen to be and feel. Does that sound accurate, [MENTION=6561]OrangeAppled[/MENTION]?
 

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Well [MENTION=8936]highlander[/MENTION] based [MENTION=7842]Z Buck McFate[/MENTION] and [MENTION=15773]greenfairy[/MENTION]'s answer, I would say it's a combination. I do want to clarify that in some instances it is also the emotional vampire thing. However, I think perhaps, due to the writer aspect, that number 8 should no longer be considered a by-product of being INFJ, but rather the result of being a writer.
 

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However, it feels a little like INFP is better than INFJ talk, which doesn't really seem to be a way to encourage productive dialogue.

Well, no - in many measurable ways, INFJ's are far more effective in the world. I don't see INFP's as superior (we are all simply different) but Fi is lensed in a way that seems continually misunderstood to me so my desire for clarity is triggered. The way I point out issues is mostly where differences and problems lie, rather than building alliance on what commonalities we share. It's the contrast that is useful to me.

wrt my previous post, I think it is very hard for any P-type to appreciate the depth of J-type strategy, since P-types don't readily construct reality in that "if I do X, Y will happen" way. Likewise, to me it seems even harder for a J-type to be aware that P-types are not very strategic. That does not mean P-types aren't manipulative, but it does mean that P-type "strategy" typically doesn't go much farther than an in-the-moment manipulation. And since it's not well-thought-out, often causes trouble when those in the moment attempts to alter reality pile up.

So, to communicate with an INFJ you must especially be aware of the strategy behind every interaction because of Ni, that future-oriented function. Every word carries nuance and a desired affect, sometimes building to a very long-term outcome. And, if you want to build good rapport in environments where interaction is necessary (rather than friendship where people just "click") an ignorance of this is counter-productive.

eta: I should add what to do in these situations to foster a win-win. Sometimes a strategic vision is in your favor, but other times not and unfairly so. Maybe I'll put together a post on that.

The comment about Ni and active listening is interesting. I am like [MENTION=16382]Ene[/MENTION]. I am inconsistent with my listening skills on a moment by moment basis but when I really decide to listen, I am REALLY listening. Even when I am doing that, people would likely say that I'm not a great active listener because I don't do all those head nods and paraphrasing type of things to the extent that a really good active listener does. Nevertheless, I am paying extraordinary attention to what is being said. I do think Fi doms are supposed to be the best listeners.

Ni-types seem to listen when something pings their Ni. From my singular perspective, it seems that Ni takes something from in-the-moment and prepares to build a conclusion on it, that Ni-doms can feel pieces of a puzzle sliding together and focus in laser-sharp at those times for a certain length of time. To me, it feels uncomfortable because I do not know what conclusion is potentially being built. All of a sudden, I will sense a Je-judgment coming on, and this can feel limiting and uncomfortable.

Here's a quick example. Our new minister is almost certainly INTJ. His first awareness of me at church was fixing an IT problem, to which I was referred to as the IT Queen (and this phrase amused him). Now, I feel like all of our interactions revolve around IT issues, since that is measurably / objectively something I am now concluded to be "good" at. It does not seem to take into awareness of anything more, of who I am, or of other work I do. That's the kind of constriction I refer to.

I never thought about INFJs as being strategic but it makes sense. They are like INTJs in this way. They are just strategic about different kinds of things.

Yes. Every word, every choice is intentional to affect the realm of people. INTJ's seem particularly unaware of that, no offense.
 

PeaceBaby

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I won't attempt to answer for all INFJ kind, but as for me, its true, [MENTION=5999]PeaceBaby[/MENTION]everything is strategic. I always jokingly say that I am part Vulcan and part Betazeid. Like Mr. Spock when his mother asked him, "How do you feel?" I am sometimes stumped. I usually reply, "I don't know because I haven't had time to think about it yet." And like Deanna Troy, I usually can pick up on the feelings of others, whether they are sincere, telling the truth, etc. and in real life, I have the ability to put people at ease, to reaasure, encourage and inspire. So, an INFJ is a cognitive cross between those. So, yes, INFJ emotions are often kept under wraps. Perhaps, that can be viewed as shallow, but it is nesecary for us to function.

Thanks for your reply, I like it and it was helpful. I feel like the word shallow has been latched onto as a negative personal quality, but I mean it literally, not pejoratively. INFJ's seem to sense a lot about others, but little about themselves at times, especially in that emotional realm.
 

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And here we go!

You should stick around, don't delete your account. You get to see things here you have no awareness of irl, there's a lot the forum can offer. I sincerely hope you stay.
 

Ene

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Thanks for your reply, I like it and it was helpful. I feel like the word shallow has been latched onto as a negative personal quality, but I mean it literally, not pejoratively. INFJ's seem to sense a lot about others, but little about themselves at times, especially in that emotional realm.


Thank you for clarifying. I see what you're saying. True, very true. It's hard for me, at times, to know how I feel, and it takes a while to sort through it. Often, I have to weigh all of the variables to understand how I feel. My INFP friend always knows how she feels about something or someone but I have to sit and think about it for a while before I know; that ability is a quality I admire in her.
 

greenfairy

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Ni-types seem to me to listen when something pings their Ni. From my singular perspective, it seems that Ni takes something from in-the-moment and prepares to build a conclusion on it, that Ni-doms can feel pieces of a puzzle sliding together and focus in laser-sharp at those times for a certain length of time. To me, it feels uncomfortable because I do not know what conclusion is potentially being built. All of a sudden, I will sense a Je-judgment coming on, and this can feel limiting and uncomfortable.

Here's a quick example. Our new minister is almost certainly INTJ. His first awareness of me at church was fixing an IT problem, to which I was referred to as the IT Queen (and this phrase amused him). Now, I feel like all of our interactions revolve around IT issues, since that is measurably / objectively something I am now concluded to be "good" at. It does not seem to take into awareness of anything more, of who I am, or of other work I do. That's the kind of constriction I refer to.



Yes. Everything word, every choice is intentional to affect the realm of people. INTJ's seem particularly unaware of that, no offense.
That's a very good description of Ni in my opinion and describes how I pay attention to things. Either if it seems like another piece in my continually evolving puzzle or something unusual that needs to be connected somehow. Se is involved, of course. Se gives fun and interesting things to our consciousness, and then Ni abstracts it into something meaningful. We pay conscious attention to it if it fits into a puzzle or really doesn't fit.

I hadn't realized how that could feel restrictive, like you are an electron and we're trying to collapse your wave function. I don't know what can be done about it, since we don't always know what conclusion we're coming to either, but we could try to be less judgmental and more free-flowing.

So if you don't think of cause and effect much, how do you plan and execute goals?
 

highlander

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Yes. Every word, every choice is intentional to affect the realm of people. INTJ's seem particularly unaware of that, no offense.

That's because it is completely foreign to us.

INFJs - is this true? I'm curious.
 

Fidelia

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Generally, yes, I would say that most conversations have an intent of information exchange, request for/offer of help or of understanding the why part of people's interactions. It's actually hard to remember that it doesn't work that way with a lot of other people, or not to see certain behaviours/lack of action/silence/words as being intentional and with pointed meaning, because with us, they often would be. I think there is a lot of trying to extrapolate what to expect from other people in the future, as well as process the implications of the previous interchange on the current one. Prediction and thinking if this is true here, then this is what is most likely to happen in the future, judging from a wide sample of people, this person's past behaviour, general principles I've found to be true (and whatever other things go into the mix) is a big part of what goes on when I interact with people. That's part of why larger groups of people are harder to deal with, as there are more people at a time to juggle and factor in and account for their preferences/people they like and dislike/absorb information being given/figure out an appropriate interaction or reaction to and so on.
 

Southern Kross

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For me what feels more personal is what lies under that, why I am the way I am (Ni=why), so I project that onto other people. I think that to really get at the heart of someone is to figure out why they are the way they are, and to feel listened to in a personal way I want someone to pay attention to why I am the way I am- if I'm upset why, and if I'm happy why, and sometimes to help me figure it out if I don't already know. This may be important to do with INFJ's. But perhaps we need to realize that Fi users may value the "what" more than the "why" because it feels more personal to them, however they happen to be and feel. Does that sound accurate, [MENTION=6561]OrangeAppled[/MENTION]?
That's interesting because I would consider INFPs "why" people as well. Either it's a different kind of "why" or I'm missing something. :thinking:

Can you give an example of situation where you doing this either for yourself or others? What was your basic thought process was?

I hadn't realized how that could feel restrictive, like you are an electron and we're trying to collapse your wave function. I don't know what can be done about it, since we don't always know what conclusion we're coming to either, but we could try to be less judgmental and more free-flowing.
No, I don't think being more fluid and open would help - it would be counter-intuitive. Ni gives you a leaping off point which allows a head start on processing information (compared with Pe). As long as it's done with some awareness and some testing and adjusting, this is a positive thing; it gives more momentum to the processing of information. That momentum is very foreign to me and difficult to generate.

So if you don't think of cause and effect much, how do you plan and execute goals?
Goals? :D

No seriously, we have goals, it's just harder to actuate them. "Going with the flow", as you said earlier, also means following our instincts and hoping the answers come to us as we go along.

That's because it is completely foreign to us.
Really? INTJs are less interested in interpersonal dynamics, but you guys are often focussed on affecting people. Practically every conversation I have with my good INTJ friend is him trying to persuade me of something. It's not always a pushy, negative thing, it might be just about guiding me to a solution, and he can listen (with a degree of willingness to be persuaded) too, but it is generally very much about moving me towards a certain direction.

Perhaps the difference is that INFJs try to persuade the inner workings of people; access the more unconscious elements rather than the conscious. (Would the INFJs agree with that?)
 

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That's because it is completely foreign to us.

INFJs - is this true? I'm curious.


I think [MENTION=7111]fidelia[/MENTION] really did a great job of explaining it; yes, my every word is meant to effect the realm of people.

Just a thought, but this brings to mind a notion. The trouble comes when an INFJ is unbalanced, immature or emotionally/mentally unstable, then we use words like a double edge sword, well-placed, premeditated and slicing to the core of a person's being with every swing. On the flip side, a well-balanced INFJ could speak the right word at the right moment and bring positive change into a person's life.

I think that, when you get right down to it, it's why we are referred to, along with INTJs, as system-builders, because thats exactly what is happening. We are building people-focused systems. When my Ni is sliding those pieces into place, it's really trying to see where things fit into the grand scheme of things and with people, it's me subconsciously trying to form a picture of the whole person, kind of like a mental map or a character sketch.
 

highlander

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Really? INTJs are less interested in interpersonal dynamics, but you guys are often focussed on affecting people. Practically every conversation I have with my good INTJ friend is him trying to persuade me of something. It's not always a pushy, negative thing, it might be just about guiding me to a solution, and he can listen (with a degree of willingness to be persuaded) too, but it is generally very much about moving me towards a certain direction.

I think INTJs are very focused on influencing long term direction and outcomes. People are a necessary part of that but persuading them is not necessarily a super strong gift. It's more of a brute force approach. We don't say words for specific effect really.
 
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