• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

0

Liriope

New member
Joined
Aug 12, 2015
Messages
23
Where is it!

giphy.gif
 

I Tonya

Rythym of the night
Joined
Jun 24, 2018
Messages
567
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
539
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Isn't 11 yrs enough time to call it quits...
 

Luminous

༻✧✧༺
Joined
Oct 25, 2017
Messages
10,235
MBTI Type
Iᑎᖴᑭ
Enneagram
952
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
You'll probably get more help if you just post the story here in this thread.
 

Sacrophagus

Mastermind Fieldmarshal
Joined
Jul 11, 2017
Messages
1,702
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
854
Hello friends !

I'd like to know if some people around here were willing to hear my story.
It's a long story. One which began more than 10 years ago.

In essence, it's the story about a fellow ENTP that felt in love with some ISTP female a long time ago.

A story where, in 11 years, I still haven't figure out how to break the shell of that person.

She basically runs far away any time she realises our relation is deeper than any other one she has in her life


I'll assume you're very smart and know what you're doing. Now, what was this uncanny feat she did to you that warrants all this long waiting?

And please don't say something like "She blesses me with her presence". I will make you disappear mysteriously.
 

LucieCat

New member
Joined
Aug 2, 2017
Messages
665
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
ISTPs are an enigma. The only one I've ever known well is my Dad, who's also a very well developed ISTP.

It's good that you care about this girl. But sometimes it's best to give people some space.

You also aren't responsible for "fixing her." Even if we want to, we can't single handily solve another's problems. Especially if the problems deal with emotional turmoil, which I suspect this girl has a considerable deal of.

I would express to her that you're always there to help her if she should need it. She might not necessarily act on that, but when you care about someone it's good to let them know that you're there for them. Sometimes people don't realize when others care.
 

Ratem06

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2017
Messages
37
MBTI Type
ENTP
Oh yeah I'm aware of that, and she knows it too. I'd prefer for her to show up being fixed and able to admit what she feels without being afraid of it but.

Currently I'm thinking "Since I'm strong enough to endure it without any suffering, I might as well try to "sneak in" step by step and gain her "trust" to see if "we" could be a thing
 

I Tonya

Rythym of the night
Joined
Jun 24, 2018
Messages
567
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
539
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Hm, if she needed you, then you're her weakness as well.
You took a lot of beatings from her to be fair.

Spending time with her without receiving anything in return is really a strong love language as an ISTP. Since she's being antisocial, instead of going out, stay at her house maybe a movie/cook/paint/video game/college work/ music, hopefully something that make her comfortable.... Since she is in distress/stress her xSxP maybe conflict planning and so try keeping plans to do stuff at last second/few days before or that same day.
Tbh I kinda relate to the um "beaten dog" syndrome, but one the best ways to help is to he extremely patient, and seeing that she has been hurt from her parent's divorce; try to not back-bite as she is expecting you to her like her parents or something. Ik it can be unreasonable cuz she is provoking you, but it does work wonders.

I see she is acting out her parents' relationship with you by saying stuff like, "We have never been friends, nor lover./ Too bad it has to end like this." Maybe try to contradict her with logic as to why you guys are friends and possible lovers. Reiterate that you're nothing like your parents (after time she might believe it), and she might need you to confirm that ur not going anywhere/ that you're 100% sure you wanna be with her or something just like a stable force in her doubtful fleeing mind I guess. Spending time with her and eventually she will just open up cuz you happen to be there.

Last but no least, remind her just because she's upset doesn't mean she should punish her feelings, or does it justify punishing yours. Best regards, hope it works out.

Could you explain this more, pls?
That's why, when I'm hitting on her "" like a man"" (meaning as if I didn't care about her) , she clearly displays sign of interest and as soon as I'm kind (or doing the psychologist) she goes full defense mode.
And I don't see how to break that shell.

An example of you being a psychologist?
 

Obfuscate

Permabanned
Joined
Aug 20, 2016
Messages
1,907
MBTI Type
iNtP
Enneagram
954
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
you mention having tried this and that with variable results... quit backtracking to what gives negative results... stay with what gives you the best outcome, and she may stick around long enough to open up on her own... don't project an end result, just enjoy what comes and brush off what doesn't...there is no magical formula that can be applied...btw, ditch the attitude of fixing her... i highly doubt she wants that... if she wants assistance with something she'll communicate that... besides, people fix themselves or don't fix themselves... it's not something that can be done by someone else...
 

Luminous

༻✧✧༺
Joined
Oct 25, 2017
Messages
10,235
MBTI Type
Iᑎᖴᑭ
Enneagram
952
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Alot of answers, nice !
Well I'll do a quick resume of the story then ask the main question.

We met when we were both 12-13.
We were originally attracted to each other directly, especially I to her.
Basically from the age of 13 to 19, we were in a weird relation of "love-hate", I was looking for her, she would reject me, then look for me when I disappeared etc.
She was clearly having the upperhand in the relation tho, I feel like it's important to state it.
We were intimate once around 16 but we didn't end up having sex.
Around 15, her parents got divorced and she started to "change", meaning she doesn't do well with attachment and the slightest display of blunt affection makes her run far away.
From 19-23 we only had brief interactions, like talking to each other for some weeks, see each other on social events.
We started to talk to each other last november, and that's where the "wtf" part really begins.

We planned to see each other countless times but she always cancelled, once, she admitted that it was because she was feeling "under pressure" at the idea of seeing me.

We finally saw each other 10 mn a month ago, from the beginning she started being "aggressive" as if she wanted to take the upperhand. Which didn't happen as I answered to her the same way she did.
She got out of the car, sent me "Too bad it has to end like this".
My answer to that was quite a really mean message and I thought it was over.

Now, last week I was partying when I received "What are you doing I hurt my head falling I'm alone at the hospital can you please come"
Which, of course, I did.
I then learned that she was with 5 of her friends and told them to go home because she wanted to be alone and be with no one, me excepted, I looked after her after being out of the hospital for a few hours blablabla
She stated the next day that she could have called someone else or directly go home but "She wanted to see me because she knew she needed it"

Now, sadly, I'm the kind of person that naturally pushes BIG RED BUTTON. When I see them on people I pushed them.
That's why, when I'm hitting on her "" like a man"" (meaning as if I didn't care about her) , she clearly displays sign of interest and as soon as I'm kind (or doing the psychologist) she goes full defense mode.
And I don't see how to break that shell.

When I'm engaging her verbally on the subject : "we are nothing for one another and she is not hitting on me"
When I act as if I didn't care she softly tries to make me interested
When I engage her and actually ask her to do something she always agree and then ends up cancelling it.

Of course, the main answer would certainly be "Get the fuck out" "Stop wasting your time".
I've done that countless times, it's been like, 6-7 years, that I'm not really in love with her anymore.
But it seems our path always crosses, I could get the fuck out now and it would come back in 6 months, a year or so.

If I had to describe her psyche, she would be like " a beaten dog" with me, she hides her "sadness/distress, etc" behind some aggressive/not concerned behaviour but even knowing that I do see beyond that I can't find the way to ""heal"" her.
I can live without her but I also really want to help her, and well, see what she and I could do together

(It's pretty wacky and confusing but I hope I was clear enough)

I'm usually the kind of guy that really doesn't care about that kind of things, if someone doesnt act logically then fuck me but well she is my weak spot I guess

Since you say you aren't in love with her, my advice would be to try to focus your attentions elsewhere. She was making you feel "love-hate" before her parents got divorced, from the very beginning. I don't think it's likely she's going to change significantly any time soon and I don't think there's any way for you to easily break through her shell. As Obfuscate said people fix themselves (or not). She has to want to change. And I think you really deserve to be treated better than she has treated you, and will likely continue to treat you. I understand the whole she-keeps-showing-up-that-must-mean-something feeling (I had someone like that in my life). It's seductive to think it does mean something, but sometimes it doesn't. Or, at least, it doesn't mean what you want it to mean. I'm sorry this isn't what you want to hear, and it's not helpful in getting through to her.
 

Ratem06

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2017
Messages
37
MBTI Type
ENTP
Hm, if she needed you, then you're her weakness as well.
You took a lot of beatings from her to be fair.

Spending time with her without receiving anything in return is really a strong love language as an ISTP. Since she's being antisocial, instead of going out, stay at her house maybe a movie/cook/paint/video game/college work/ music, hopefully something that make her comfortable.... Since she is in distress/stress her xSxP maybe conflict planning and so try keeping plans to do stuff at last second/few days before or that same day.
Tbh I kinda relate to the um "beaten dog" syndrome, but one the best ways to help is to he extremely patient, and seeing that she has been hurt from her parent's divorce; try to not back-bite as she is expecting you to her like her parents or something. Ik it can be unreasonable cuz she is provoking you, but it does work wonders.

I see she is acting out her parents' relationship with you by saying stuff like, "We have never been friends, nor lover./ Too bad it has to end like this." Maybe try to contradict her with logic as to why you guys are friends and possible lovers. Reiterate that you're nothing like your parents (after time she might believe it), and she might need you to confirm that ur not going anywhere/ that you're 100% sure you wanna be with her or something just like a stable force in her doubtful fleeing mind I guess. Spending time with her and eventually she will just open up cuz you happen to be there.

Last but no least, remind her just because she's upset doesn't mean she should punish her feelings, or does it justify punishing yours. Best regards, hope it works out.

Could you explain this more, pls?


An example of you being a psychologist?

Well, I have a "bad habit" of analyzing people behaviour, and telling them.
Basically when she is playing the "pushing you away because you hit a point" I bluntly tell her that.

I did that the other day and her reaction was "ahhh always extrapolating I want to hit you so badly blablabla then.
You should have study psychology, always analyzing me, you would have fixed me by then"
Telling me I'm wrong and admitting I'm on point at the same time lmao

I also told her something like, in its essence "Our relation is not one of friendship or love, It's "nothing" if you want, and I do love your mind more than your body, in that sense I'm the opposite of the man surrounding you, but never forget that if I ever decided to make you mine I'd come and get you"

I did that to "study" her reaction, see if she would get angry or back away, what she did was different for the first time, she told me "I do not agree with you but I'm trying to understand your point" then proceeded to elude the issue by being somehow "cute" and "playful"
 

Ratem06

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2017
Messages
37
MBTI Type
ENTP
you mention having tried this and that with variable results... quit backtracking to what gives negative results... stay with what gives you the best outcome, and she may stick around long enough to open up on her own... don't project an end result, just enjoy what comes and brush off what doesn't...there is no magical formula that can be applied...btw, ditch the attitude of fixing her... i highly doubt she wants that... if she wants assistance with something she'll communicate that... besides, people fix themselves or don't fix themselves... it's not something that can be done by someone else...


I think I came to that conclusion, I need to stop pushing her buttons and simply be "chill" if that makes sense
 

Ratem06

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2017
Messages
37
MBTI Type
ENTP
Since you say you aren't in love with her, my advice would be to try to focus your attentions elsewhere. She was making you feel "love-hate" before her parents got divorced, from the very beginning. I don't think it's likely she's going to change significantly any time soon and I don't think there's any way for you to easily break through her shell. As Obfuscate said people fix themselves (or not). She has to want to change. And I think you really deserve to be treated better than she has treated you, and will likely continue to treat you. I understand the whole she-keeps-showing-up-that-must-mean-something feeling (I had someone like that in my life). It's seductive to think it does mean something, but sometimes it doesn't. Or, at least, it doesn't mean what you want it to mean. I'm sorry this isn't what you want to hear, and it's not helpful in getting through to her.


I did say that because she doesn't make me go full "retarded" as I'm not loosing sleep over her when she leaves anymore, I'm not getting "angry" when she rejects me, I'm just detached (?)
Which is my usual stance, I'm not the sweetest man on earth

Well she wasn't before they got divorced but she was like 14-15, alot has changed and there seems to have more "troubles" on her part that I don't know about.
I do understand that it could mean shit and would be a way for her to play tho, I'm not that of a feeler to not be wary of that kind of behaviour, it's more of a bet than anything else
 

Luminous

༻✧✧༺
Joined
Oct 25, 2017
Messages
10,235
MBTI Type
Iᑎᖴᑭ
Enneagram
952
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I did say that because she doesn't make me go full "retarded" as I'm not loosing sleep over her when she leaves anymore, I'm not getting "angry" when she rejects me, I'm just detached (?)
Which is my usual stance, I'm not the sweetest man on earth

Well she wasn't before they got divorced but she was like 14-15, alot has changed and there seems to have more "troubles" on her part that I don't know about.
I do understand that it could mean shit and would be a way for her to play tho, I'm not that of a feeler to not be wary of that kind of behaviour, it's more of a bet than anything else

Well, I hope it works out well for you, one way or another. You do deserve to be treated well, though, remember that. She isn't treating you well now, so I hope if you do end up together she does change in that respect and does make you feel valued.
 

Abcdenfp

Terpsichore
Joined
May 19, 2017
Messages
1,669
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7W8
Confusion over the way ISTPs operate is ultimately what brought me to TypeC .

I am really good at getting a reading and tapping into the emotional connection with a potential love interest. my ISTP was like magneto with that helmet on I couldnt get a read , but the connection was so strong.
 
Joined
May 19, 2017
Messages
5,100
11 years? If she hasn’t let you into her inner world at this point she’s never going to. That’s one wardrobe that doesn’t lead to Narnia my friend.
 

Ratem06

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2017
Messages
37
MBTI Type
ENTP
I think you both just like to set yourselves on fire.

That certainly has been true when we were young but I'm not like this anymore

It's more like when she makes one step towards me, it somehow ends up by 3 steps away.

I guess the most efficient way would be the more logical, play her game of "attraction" while teasing her, do not care when she cancels, not keeping the conversation alive when she doesn't, that kind of calculated behaviour
 

Peter Deadpan

phallus impudicus
Joined
Dec 14, 2016
Messages
8,883
That certainly has been true when we were young but I'm not like this anymore

It's more like when she makes one step towards me, it somehow ends up by 3 steps away.

I guess the most efficient way would be the more logical, play her game of "attraction" while teasing her, do not care when she cancels, not keeping the conversation alive when she doesn't, that kind of calculated behaviour

Why? Are you sure it's she that is appealing, or the challenge and game?

You like the game... it can't be hidden.
 
Top