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[ISTP] Insights needed.. ISTP guy.

Heartbeat

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I am an Infp 4w5 who has just ended a relationship with a ISTP E5 guy.

There are some stuffs that I can't get my head around, hopefully I can get some insights here.

I just found out that the guy I was dating wasn't whom I thought he is. I got to know him via a gal pal of mine who is his housemate. I love him but cut him off due to various reasons.

To cut a long story short, after I cut him off, I went to find solace with my gal pal. She told me stuffs (with proof) that I can't imagine in my wildest dreams. Basically he was playing with me and was seeing many other gals at the same time. I felt very hurt then as I was lead to believe that he was true to me. (He cried when I wanted to leave the first time round and asked me if I want him to marry me, as a result I stayed) She didn't tell me earlier as I wasn't ready to hear the truth, I was defensive and making excuses for him all the time.

He is extremely commitment phobic and doesn't want marriage nor kids. He has an EXTREME fear of getting any gal pregnant to the extent that he hasn't had sex before. He is 33 years old with healthy body and sexual functioning and he stayed with his ex-girlfriend for a year. From what I understand, he had a difficult childhood. His dad left when he was young. His mom was a drug addict who suffers from depression as well as need to amputate her leg due to diabetes. He later need to tear himself away from his mom to look for his dad in another country to get his education. He never felt that he was included in his step-family and had resentments about it. A few years later he got a call to inform him that his mom has passed on which is a huge blow to him.

What I couldn't get round my head is a healthy 33 year old guy abstinence and fear of sex and at the same time, motivation to put in so much energy for skirt chasing, date many girls at the same time, lie excessively and not bed them. It just doesn't seem normal. What's his motivation? The more I try to understand the more I don't. Hoping to get some insights here so that I can achieve my closure and peace from within.
 

ChocolateMoose123

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He has got some major issues to work out. The kind that take years and dedication to overcome. Don't try to understand them. It will not be healthy for you. You did the right thing getting away.

He makes sense to me but it isn't good.

He has a ton of grief and fear he is living with. He wants to connect but cannot connect. He is selfish. He wants to be desired, to feel loved but cannot do this in any real fashion. So, he plays where he feels safe. Where that is - is no man's land. It's not sustainable so the cycle repeats.
 

ChocolateMoose123

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Wow you make so much sense..

His story has relatable experience with my life. So, that extreme fear of attachment he has is rooted in a fear of abandonment. I say fear, but it is probably much more than that.

His psyche is so delicate and his emotions so fragile, any crack or hit - any pain he feels he has a hand in letting happen, will shatter him to his core. So he keeps the safest distance he can. But human beings are human and they want love. So, it's a perverse dance.

So you can see what I mean that you're right to get out. It doesn't mean he is a bad person but like a hurt animal if you get too close it will bite. So, best to let him lick his wounds alone until he has healed enough to reach out. If that ever happens.
 

Heartbeat

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He ever told me "good will hunting" sums up his life. I didn't understand what he meant previously but now it makes sense. Will apparently is an ISTP 6w5 who was abused by his caregivers when he's a child and has serious trust and abandonment issues. I am probably wrong in his initial enneagram type, he does show strong properties of type 5 and 7. Plus judging from what is happening now. He is very likely a counterphobic 6.

I cut him off around a week back and I did not see him after as he went travellig the next day, pre-planned trip. He has been texting me about how much he misses me. I didn't reply him. I can't trust anything he says anymore, not even a word. His texts evokes strong emotional response from me. On one hand I felt anger and disgust for what he has done, on the other I feel sad and compassion for him and what he has must have gone through. He seems to miss me and is hurt by me cutting him off (it could be an illusion but I am inclined to believe we have something special, we hit it off extremely well and are 'inseparable' in real life, but I don't know what is real and false anymore).

On one hand, I need to protect myself. On the other hand, I do not want to intensify anymore of his hurt and abandonment issues. Another part of me want to be there for him and show him love exists (but I do not know how to do put sufficient distance between us to protect myself and do that at the same time)

Your description of a wounded animal hits home. I should stay away. But essentially what I am doing now is abandoning him again, the world is abandoning him again (due to his actions). It is a cycle that he created that only he himself can stop it.
 

Heartbeat

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I once carried a wounded big civet cat off the road with my bare hands right after it was hit by a vehicle. Unfortunately, it still died in the end. I got a long lecture from him to not touch wounded animals, especially with bare hands and nothing to protect me. However, I wouldn't have changed a thing, as I couldn't leave it there with the incoming vehicles. Ironically, now he is the wounded animal that I may need to leave behind.
 

ChocolateMoose123

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[MENTION=26911]Heartbeat[/MENTION]

I need to protect myself. On the other hand, I do not want to intensify anymore of his hurt and abandonment issues. Another part of me want to be there for him and show him love exists (but I do not know how to do put sufficient distance between us to protect myself and do that at the same time).

Right. This is recognizing boundaries and is really important.

I know you said you feel you are abandoning him, in part due to his actions...but that is the sticking point.

You feel that way because you can put yourself in his shoes but his emotional state right now prevents anything but the amplification of his pain. Past and present is all the same, really because he hasn't separated the two. He hasn't worked through it.

That isn't your responsibility. To teach him? He has to be open to it. You cannot facilitate that timing.

He probably does feel abandoned and is in pain but that really isn't the point, right?

What an unhealthy CP6 doesn't realize is that they are often going all-in with a hand that they can never win with. Then they feel surprised or not - sometimes it feels very much like, "I knew they were like all the others!" Lots of self-pity.

Their actions of testing and mistrust erodes exactly what they desire from others. They are blind to that. You can't make him realize this.

He has to be brave enough or alternatively, get SO sick of this pattern happening to him, that he introspects enough to realize that he MIGHT BE responsible for some of it. Still, can you see just what you're up against? It is exhausting.
 

Dyslexxie

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Eeeek, he has severe abandonment issues so he tries to find as many people as possible to connect to so that in case one leaves, he has options. But his insecurities show when people get too close, because he's unable to allow them to come close.
You shouldn't waste your time trying to fix him, to show him love, or feeling bad for him. He's only going to continue his cycle of whatever this is until he finds what he's looking for. The best you can do (if that's what you want) is be a friend to support him through his shenanigans and allow him to grow without emotionally involving yourself in his progress.
 

Heartbeat

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Thank you so much for such insightful posts. It accelerated my understanding and acceptance of the situation. I kind of made my peace. How can I be angry with a person who has done things from a place of pain. He doesn't know better.

His story has relatable experience with my life.

Rainy Day Woman, I am sorry that you have to go through such experiences in life. You have shown much wisdom. Thank you for your willingness to share your experiences so that I do not need to spend months or years perhaps, pondering what hit me and trying to come to terms with it. I came to terms with it within days.

You shouldn't waste your time trying to fix him, to show him love, or feeling bad for him. He's only going to continue his cycle of whatever this is until he finds what he's looking for. The best you can do (if that's what you want) is be a friend to support him through his shenanigans and allow him to grow without emotionally involving yourself in his progress.

Dyslexxie, you are so right. And I know me, I wouldn't be able to detach myself emotionally. So it's a no-go.

I have also done some self reflection. I have a history of being attracted to broken souls. My relationship history consists of guys who come from broken family (not a single one came from a complete loving family) and was abused/traumatised during childhood. I tell myself to love them and show them that love exists. Then get "drama" when they can't love back. Their brokenness is then transferred to me, it took me 3 years to heal from the last breakup before this. Same thing. The guy wants love but fears love at the same time. I didn't have the luxury of receiving such 'advice' then and went through months of therapy trying to understand and accept the situation.

So in reality, I am the one who have the 'issue' because I am attracted to broken people.

I'm INFP Healer, what good am I if there are no broken souls to heal.. :shock: sometimes one can't help but be amazed by the power of personality.

In any case, I am thankful for the experience which gave me a peek into the depths of human nature/psychology.
 
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