[ISTP] Do ISTPs move super slow in relationships?

[jdot]

Questions about how slow an ISTP moves or if this is just a platonic situation.

An ISTP casually asked me to have dinner with him - - we had a great time, he paid and made a comment that he "liked where this was going". He also cemented future plans with me before I left. Since then, we have talked almost every day and seen each other 2-3 times a week (which with our busy schedules, equates to every single time that we have both had any free time). He pays, walks me to my door, etc. but that could all just be a part of how he treats women in general - romantic or platonic.

He has yet to make any sort of move physically beyond giving me a hug upon arrival or departure. He also hasn't brought up anything related to dating verbally - just some of his banter could be considered flirtatious.

From what I've read about ISTPs, they seem to take quite a bit of time to feel out situation and aren't very open emotionally. The lack of affection is the confusing part for me.

I'm just not sure how to tell whether this is strictly platonic or if he is just slowly getting to know me with the intention of being open to it becoming romantic? I feel like a common response might be to just ask him directly - - it has only been a month, so I don't want to appear pushy by doing so? - - I just am curious for any insight from other ISTPs.

 

[Betty Blue]

From what I gather about ISTP's this ISTP would be happy being in a sexual relationship as well as platonic. I don't think they do move super slow particularly rather that they are as comfortable waiting as not. ISTP's do seem to have an ability to be fluid or have freeness in relationships. If you want definition you may be best asking -or suggesting. I highly doubt they would not want it to go further./tuppence

 

[Poki]

Depends on the person actually in regard to crossing certain lines. I will usually make consistant forward progress and unless I get push back I will just keep going forward. To much push back and I stop. If the person makes it obvious then it progresses faster. If I reach out to hold a hand and she grabs my arm and hugs me walking side by side things move faster. That kind of stuff.

Relationships don't bother me one bit. But I will treat any woman like that. Platonic, stranger, girlfriend, etc.

 

[jdot]

Thanks HelenOfTroy - - I think that is a good reminder that ISTPs have the ability to be fluid. That he likely would be just as happy with either scenario. Somewhat frustrating for my overthinking and emotional INFJ self who would prefer more clarity, but a good opportunity for growth.

 

[jdot]

Thanks Poki - I will try to remember that. That's also kind of what I thought the case might be for him too re: treating any woman like that.

 

[Poki]

Thanks Poki - I will try to remember that. That's also kind of what I thought the case might be for him too re: treating any woman like that.

I take time to feel out a person. Then situations usually fall in place

 

[Ribonuke]

He might just be polite; the one ISTP I've grown to know well is physically guarded enough that he would rather handshake than hug if he wanted to keep things from getting to personal-- He won't refuse a hug if someone else initiates, but I've only ever seen him initiate hugs with family and me, his s.o.

Yes. He was very slow and waited for me to initiate on everything, (but part of that is he's nottttttttt into being aggressive/dominant or doing anything that could be construed as that).

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

someone must have fallen for an istp.

judging by the inordinate amount of istp threads of late.



I remember the day when all the threads were about infjs.......

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

What is self-evident to us isn't always explained to others. Because to us, well, it's obvious.

We aren't good at explaining those things, especially right at the beginning. We aren't even thinking like that. It is more, "I like this. I want more of it." and that goes on until we get to know you enough to ultimately build trust or at the very beginning, a knowledge about who you are.

But that doesn't mean we don't get those same butterflies in our stomachs about seeing someone we like or want to spend time with. It's harder to articulate. Easier to show.

 

[SearchingforPeace]

Not an ISTP but the OP might need to initiate the action more, or just stop being subtle. Your ISTP is devoting all your mutually available time to you and paying for you. It says he likes you.

Actions speak louder than words here. He isn't going to pressure you, but you need to give him a solid opening. He showing you interest and respect.

Grab his hand, touch his arm or back, gaze into his eyes. Shout your interest with your nonverbal communication if you don't want to just invite him for a nightcap or coffee.....

 

[jdot]

He might just be polite; the one ISTP I've grown to know well is physically guarded enough that he would rather handshake than hug if he wanted to keep things from getting to personal-- He won't refuse a hug if someone else initiates, but I've only ever seen him initiate hugs with family and me, his s.o.

Yes. He was very slow and waited for me to initiate on everything, (but part of that is he's nottttttttt into being aggressive/dominant or doing anything that could be construed as that).

Thanks for replying Ribonuke - now that you mention it, I don't recall him ever hugging anyone else that we have been in front of (friends, his sister, etc). So it is entirely possible that for him, hugging me is very physical. I would just be reluctant to initiate anything myself until I have some clarity that it is actually what he is waiting on - which very well may be the position he is in too.

 

[jdot]

Thanks for replying MDP2525 - "Harder to Articulate. Easier to Show." seems like something I should keep in mind when it comes to him. He has definitely shown me that at bare minimum he enjoys my company a lot. That's something.

 

[jdot]

Thanks for replying SearchingforPeace - nonverbal interest is a great idea. I am just not used to having been on 10 "dates" with someone and them not have at least held my hand, gone in for the kiss or verbally expressed romantic intent. It's a very different experience - although not unpleasant or unwelcome - and thought other ISTPs or their SO could shed light on it for me

 

[SearchingforPeace]

Thanks for replying SearchingforPeace - nonverbal interest is a great idea. I am just not used to having been on 10 "dates" with someone and them not have at least held my hand, gone in for the kiss or verbally expressed romantic intent. It's a very different experience - although not unpleasant or unwelcome - and thought other ISTPs or their SO could shed light on it for me

I went on about 6 or 8 dates before I even held my wife's hand.... I had never been so slow either, as I usually didn't wait past two dates. Sometimes guys take it slower when they feel more. And when we first kissed later the same night we first held hands, it was the most powerful kiss I had ever experienced, even as it was very simple. Lol, after dropping her off, I had a 4 hour erection...... no Cialas needed.... it was if my body recognized the her well before I heart or mind did......

 

[Poki]

Thanks for replying SearchingforPeace - nonverbal interest is a great idea. I am just not used to having been on 10 "dates" with someone and them not have at least held my hand, gone in for the kiss or verbally expressed romantic intent. It's a very different experience - although not unpleasant or unwelcome - and thought other ISTPs or their SO could shed light on it for me

That seems weird to me. Maybe he is just not a physical person. I tend to know someone before I really date them, so it may go faster as I usually have a good idea of the person and have got past the awkward first intro stuff.

Slept with my current GF before we went on the first date. We were hanging out watching a movie together as fiends. Just got closer and closer. Eventually she was on my lap topless facing each other. Then she kicked me out like what the hell just happened after we had some fun...lol

 

[SearchingforPeace]

That seems weird to me. Maybe he is just not a physical person. I tend to know someone before I really date them, so it may go faster as I usually have a good idea of the person and have got past the awkward first intro stuff.

Slept with my current GF before we went on the first date. We were hanging out watching a movie together as fiends. Just got closer and closer. Eventually she was on my lap topless facing each other. Then she kicked me out like what the hell just happened after we had some fun...lol

My ENFP friend says her two year relationship with her ISTP was like a two year one night stand. She could never figure him out, but she struggled leaving him because the sex was amazing......

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

That seems weird to me. Maybe he is just not a physical person. I tend to know someone before I really date them, so it may go faster as I usually have a good idea of the person and have got past the awkward first intro stuff.

Slept with my current GF before we went on the first date. We were hanging out watching a movie together as fiends. Just got closer and closer. Eventually she was on my lap topless facing each other. Then she kicked me out like what the hell just happened after we had some fun...lol

10 is a lot but not unheard of. Not my style tho, I dragged my ENFP into the car to makeout like teenagers after he walked me to my car after work. Still, we knew each other platonically for about a month or two before but attraction was always there.

My ISTP friend would do that. Not make a move for too long...It had more to do with his idea of being respectful and not disrespecting someone. Very old school. But he was former military and I think that fit his lifestyle. This may be a non-type issue but more his personal preference.

If you want things to progress, OP may have to hold his hand or something like seachingforpeace said.

 

[jdot]

SearchingforPeace - Yes, I definitely think that taking it slower (with the exception of the possibility that this is platonic) is a really great sign that he does "feel more" or views this very seriously. Thanks for sharing about the 6-8 dates til you held your wife's hand. Gives me hope!

 

[jdot]

Poki - We are still just getting to know each other - I can see how if you already were past the awkward intro stuff how it could move faster. In addition to being ISTP, he is also former military and fairly conservative overall. All of which are possibly contributing to the more "old fashioned" slow approach.

 

[jdot]

MDP2525 - Maybe this is a similar situation with the current period being the month or two of knowing each other "platonically". There is definitely attraction on my part and unless I am reading things completely wrong, I think it is there on his part too. He is also pretty old school, former military and conservative in addition to being ISTP - so it likely could be both his type and his personal preference influencing this slow pace. Thanks for replying!