[ISTP] Advice needed! ISTP ex boyfriend

[rach88]

Hey everyone, I'm new and hoping this is the right place to post. I need advice or insight into something thats driving me crazy. We were together almost 4 years, I have a child with him. Everything was great in the beginning of our relationship.

Long story short, he lied to me about silly things which really annoyed me, he got into a lot of debts and made financial mistakes leading us to finally, get evicted. I moved states to be with him, and I have issues with his family, so I moved back to live with my parents. Naturally for me after having so much stress and confusion from him, I slowed my contact right down. He has our child in his care. So contact with him literally cannot be cut off. He picked fights with me over the phone/text and I fired back as I am disappointed in him.

As soon as I'd left, he was constantly wanting contact with me/harassing me, it was very annoying as I needed time to firstly breathe, and think about things.

Anyway, now we are quite amicable. I have had a nervous breakdown (from the lies, stress and mother instinct - missing my child). I noticed on Facebook he was tagging this other girl and she was "liking" everything he posted. It took me days and days to drag it out of him.

I obviously want to fight for our family and relationship.. But, he has told this other girl he "likes" her, and he told me she said "me too". He is asking for space to decide what he wants. He said he isn't sure he wants to take a gamble with me again for me to take off and leave again.

I feel like he is just trying to let me down gently, seen as now I think I understand his lies about money - to avoid hurting me.

What do you ISTP's think? Thanks in advance!!

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

I don't know what advice you seek. I don't think this is type related from what you describe. Would you want him back if he was not moving on to someone else? A question to ask yourself is how much of this is your pride hurting vs your desire to have him back in your life.

 

[Poki]

Doesn't sounderstand like me or type related. How far do you live? you got yourself in a bind for leaving. If you left for things that were not love relater I don't blame him. Unless he can fix himself he probably will not trust you won't leave again. It sounds like the other "woman" is now causing you issue. While he screwed up the house and finance stuff, you screwed up the relationship stuff. Best advice I can give is to go back there to talk things through and see how things go.

 

[ZNP-TBA]

We were together almost 4 years, I have a child with him. Everything was great in the beginning of our relationship.

Planned pregnancy?

Long story short, he lied to me about silly things which really annoyed me, he got into a lot of debts and made financial mistakes leading us to finally, get evicted.

Debt, money, and not being able to pay your rent are silly things?

I moved states to be with him, and I have issues with his family, so I moved back to live with my parents.

Did you live with his parents?

Naturally for me after having so much stress and confusion from him, I slowed my contact right down. He has our child in his care. So contact with him literally cannot be cut off. He picked fights with me over the phone/text and I fired back as I am disappointed in him.

Why is your child in his care?

As soon as I'd left, he was constantly wanting contact with me/harassing me, it was very annoying as I needed time to firstly breathe, and think about things.

This is actually understandable since you're the mother of his child. Just saying.

Anyway, now we are quite amicable. I have had a nervous breakdown (from the lies, stress and mother instinct - missing my child). I noticed on Facebook he was tagging this other girl and she was "liking" everything he posted. It took me days and days to drag it out of him.

So after massive distrust, lying, eviction, child-drama you're just suddenly friends again?
He couldn't even be straightforward about flirting with another woman.

I obviously want to fight for our family and relationship.. But, he has told this other girl he "likes" her, and he told me she said "me too". He is asking for space to decide what he wants. He said he isn't sure he wants to take a gamble with me again for me to take off and leave again.

As shady as this guy sounds his argument makes sense from a logical perspective. You may think you want to fight for family and relationship but packing up and leaving when things got uncomfortable doesn't really make the case for you. Also, you left a child behind to "think about things" which is even more crazy.

I feel like he is just trying to let me down gently, seen as now I think I understand his lies about money - to avoid hurting me.

I think this is making up excuses for his lies. I'm really curious about what your father was like.
I think this sounds like a really unhealthy relationship and I feel bad for your child. I would recommend professional therapy for yourself first especially since you are responsible for a kid. Sorry if I sound judgmental , I really don't mean to be. Just being honest based on the info you supplied.

 

[ZNP-TBA]

I don't know what advice you seek. I don't think this is type related from what you describe. Would you want him back if he was not moving on to someone else? A question to ask yourself is how much of this is your pride hurting vs your desire to have him back in your life.

True but I think a more important question to ask herself is "what the fuck am I doing with myself? I have a kid I'm responsible for that I left behind so I can think about things."

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

True but I think a more important question to ask herself is "what the fuck am I doing with myself? I have a kid I'm responsible for that I left behind so I can think about things."

Feel free to ask the OP any question you would like. Personally, I didn't think enough info was given to make a judgement on whether that action was wrong or right or even if it that was a mutually agreed upon parameter.

 

[ZNP-TBA]

Feel free to ask the OP any question you would like. Personally, I didn't think enough info was given to make a judgement on whether that action was wrong or right or even if it that was a mutually agreed upon parameter.

I asked several more questions. Just based on the info supplied it doesn't really look good. It seems like she's more concerned about him flirting with other girls on FB rather than what she can do to get back in her child's life. It doesn't seem like her leaving was really agreed upon since she did say that he kept calling her and annoying her when she just wanted to get away and think about things. It sounds like a very irresponsible thing for a parent to do. Of course all that could be completely wrong but regardless I think some real therapy is in order here.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

[MENTION=25403]ZombieNinjaPirate[/MENTION]

Ok. I still don't understand what your opinion has to do with my original post. Would you prefer that I agree with you? Shame the OP? Derail the OP question about the relationship with a judgement call on parenting?

I don't get it. Not my style.

 

[ZNP-TBA]

[MENTION=25403]ZombieNinjaPirate[/MENTION]

Ok. I still don't understand what your opinion has to do with my original post. Would you prefer that I agree with you? Shame the OP? Derail the OP question about the relationship with a judgement call on parenting?

I don't get it. Not my style.

It has nothing to do directly with your post. I agreed with it but didn't consider it as much of an important question compared to why she left her child behind so she can 'think about things' several states away.
It's like if you left the oven on and the house caught fire. I guess its reasonable to ask how the food turned out but that question would probably take a back seat on why the house burned down. I think the fact a child is involved changes the whole dynamic of things. If the op was just talking about a boyfriend she had a falling out with then ok, but he's the baby daddy and has her baby right now at long distance so I would think that kind of shifts the paradigm a bit.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

It has nothing to do directly with your post. I agreed with it but didn't consider it as much of an important question......

I suppose it is fair since your line of questioning is superior to mine. I can only hope your ability to sense sarcasm is just as great as your ability to condescend.

 

[ZNP-TBA]

The

I suppose it is fair since your line of questioning is superior to mine. I can only hope your ability to sense sarcasm is just as great as your ability to condescend.

I'm still trying to figure out why you feel offender or appear to feel offended.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

I'm still trying to figure out why you feel offender or appear to feel offended.

This isn't a big deal. My feelings aren't hurt. I'm just taking your shoe off my foot.

Each of our points can stand on their own as they were about different issues. Basically, you do you. Let me do me.

No need to quote me to let me know you don't think it is as valid a question as you deem it, and only for that reason alone. Or do so, fine.

But don't expect not to get called on it, that's all.

I'll still shake your hand and call it a day.

 

[rach88]

Hey I'm back, I just quickly want to explain why I'm without my child. My ex did not give me permission to take my child, and legal threats were made against me if I did. We had our own house we rented. I didn't have long once I found out about the eviction, and because his mother would make me so uncomfortable, I decided it was best to leave.

I originally moved to live with him and his parents (and fell pregnant quickly). I had to leave and return to my home town to have my baby. I was suffering a lot of anxiety and felt isolated there because of his mom. Things like one on one digs, innuendo type things, and I wouldn't say threats, but an example when I was pregnant: "if I suspect abuse of that baby, I will report you. I do work with police and they won't believe you", his family just appears to think my child is theirs only. When I brought my son back after having him in my home town, his mother was at it again. The moment I walked through her front door, she said "you know now you've brought him here, you can leave but he stays". I tried to ignore her as we had a house for ourselves to move into.

Since then things were alright, and having a place to ourselves as a family eased things for me. But as time went on, I was realising that this man, really needs to grow up. His video games were his main priority. He was always losing his job, and finding a new one. Sometimes he would go up to 6 weeks with no income, and his parents and credit card bailed us out. I always tried to save money where we could and I often went without (no breakfast or lunch), so that my son had everything.

The stress of feeling like a sideline parent, being told we are going to get groceries, then he would make up some excuse and we wouldn't get any. Being told rent was paid (only to find a letter in the bin saying otherwise). He hid things from me like I was a child. I felt so much anxiety and depression (I felt like I was underwater in pitch black) I never knew if what he was telling me was true, or if we'd even have a roof over our heads next month, what am I going to feed my family with literally next to nothing. The stress it put on me, the unknown, the dishonesty, the insecurity, and the rejection I felt from the in laws just got too much.

As eviction drew closer, I could see for myself he wasn't working many hours, and we were struggling. He was paying his debts before he paid rent and put food on the table. I tried, many times to talk to him how his dishonesty makes me feel. He either got cranky and shut down the conversation like a teenager would "yeah whatever, I know.." A good example of his dishonesty is that he took a loan from my bank (fraud) and when I discovered it, I called him (he was at work) and he acted very shocked and said I must have been "hacked". I knew it was a lie, he even advised me to go to the police. I never did, because I'm stupid, I didn't want him in trouble, and I figured we would lose the house etc. Six HOURS later, he finally admitted it was him who took the loan.

Fast forward to eviction, rent wasn't paid for something like 2 months, and I don't know what excuses they were given to allow us to stay with rent so overdue. He told me that he refuses to pay the rent owing and we are on the bad tenant listing. My idea was that I could move back to my parents as they are retired, and more than happy to watch my son while I can work, my ex could work. We could get ourselves in a better financial position (by the way, he is bankrupt now and told me he has nothing more to pay). He disagreed and wanted me to stay there, at his moms house. I told him I was uncomfortable, and he got angry and started having verbal attacks at me (3 days before eviction), he was becoming nasty towards me (verbally) and I think at that point he was very stressed, as was I. I panicked and called my family, next thing my flight is booked, and I'm on a plane out of there.

I am sorry, when I wrote this post I was adjusting to medications. This is not at all an easy situation to be in. Unless its happened to you, you really can't relate. I never wanted this to happen, I thought when I moved to be with him, I felt excited about my life. I just wanted to be happy. I never wanted this to happen.

 

[jcloudz]

He sounds like he does not know how prioritze that which is important. Like rent, family. Listen do what is smart, focus on the legal stuff an getting your kid. Nevermind what he is feeling toward you about you. You know that spiteful unpleasant women he calls his mom is looking for ways to take you child away. She is goading him to do it. Worry about the istp later. He probably want s to keep his options open or lull you in to thinking things are fine. Things are when you have that baby an are with your family. Hearing what you went through made me ill.

 

[rach88]

He sounds like he does not know how prioritze that which is important. Like rent, family. Listen do what is smart, focus on the legal stuff an getting your kid. Nevermind what he is feeling toward you about you. You know that spiteful unpleasant women he calls his mom is looking for ways to take you child away. She is goading him to do it. Worry about the istp later. He probably want s to keep his options open or lull you in to thinking things are fine. Things are when you have that baby an are with your family. Hearing what you went through made me ill.

Thank you Gasoline, I don't know how I've managed this far. I've probably mentioned it already, but I'm sedated pretty much all the time now, or my world will come crashing down. I hope one day I get past this.. As an INTJ, this whole ordeal has shook me, I can't even describe how I feel..

Well my gut feeling was right that he's kicked me to the side. He text me to say things are over for good today, he's already moved on with another woman in an intimate relationship. But he tried to tell me that he doesn't want me to move on, that if I really wanted a relationship, I'd wait for him. Disgusted, I told him we have no hope.. He's not worth my time, shame we share a child..

I had my first counselling visit today, the counsellor also couldn't believe what I've gone through. I'm slowly learning that what I've been through was an abusive, manipulative, controlling nightmare. I feel (okay.. Know 100%) he won't change. I am going to seek legal help. I feel really hurt, but my family are being as supportive as they can be (sometimes its annoying ha!).

ISTP ex appeared fine, until the debts changed him, or maybe as time passed, his real self emerged. Either way, his mom will never accept me and thats pretty sad. His mum is his #1 priority, always.. Maybe INTJs and ISTPs don't get along too well?

I also noticed your avatar, do you play LoL? I'm TrashBunny on there, but I am in Australia

 

[Poki]

Glad you cleared things up with that last post. A common consistency I have noticed is that the hardest things to notice with good people who try are that they tend to equalize everything. And then the truth comes out and it's like oh shit...the opposite happens on the abusive side. You end up missing those that try for those that bitch. My ex twists everything against me and then when someone gets to know me they are like WTF he is nothing like that. As I got out of my "let's make this work" equalizing mode and into my "this is how shit is" I got responses like...yup, you have nailed her dead on as they get to know her.

That completely shifts things from a 2 way thing to mostly his side as the problem. You did screw up, but you did the best you can and that's all anyone can ask for. Counseling is good.

I tend to get along really well with INTJs. Mostly know males, I think I could get along even better with a female. The one person i know that typed as INTJ I get along with very good. He'll she would have dated me if we were both single. She respects my opinion greatly and even asks my opinion on her current BF as she trust it more then her emotions as she can stress over stuff if it doesn't go smooth.