[ISTP] Is my relationship broken?

[lucyandhercat]

Married 2 years INTP F and ISTP M

He is a mechanic. He works about 70 hours per week and has for as long as I've known him.
In his spare time he always wants to be with me doing anything.

He is terrible at communicating. He can't find the right words, and when I'm upset with him (I'm still perfectly calm and trying to be gentle, but direct) he shields himself with his arms, wont speak, just makes angry huffs at me. When I just want a conversation, he can't do that either. He can make short statements which he means to be powerful, but honestly these sound stupid, naive, extremist, obvious, or horribly over used.
When he's unhappy with his job or life he does nothing about it but complain. I end up creating and submitting his resume and begging him to take phone calls to accept an interview. Then when it works out he thinks it was all him.

After we got married I would get rejected for sex a lot, and it was always under 2 minutes when it happened. I look good. I'm very young and blonde and thin and when I actually wear makeup I get hit on (by strangers) a lot. I tried everything I could to get his attention but he wasn't having it. So after a number of months I asked him about his porn habits. He was addicted to it. I was hurt deeply and incredibly angry. Regardless of your feelings on the matter of porn, he was hiding it from me, was deeply ashamed, and after a matter of months managed to stop. These months were hard because I kept discovering more things he was hiding from me. Weed (almost never used, but also never freely disclosed to me), how much of a pervert he was in general was discovered when he told me about conversations at work and when I saw his search history including looking for (nonexistant) porn of my family members. As I said, he changed. He felt so terrible when I found out that he changed (slowly) all on his own. At this point he's been porn free for almost 5 months and is much more trustworthy than he used to be. He usually tries to make me cum now. He rarely succeeds, but I do appreciate the effort and at this point I never expect to be satisfied by him anyway.

For the first 2 years we knew each other, we lived with his (ex) best friend. At first, Jake (we'll say), was fine. He had become very close to my husband and they did everything together. As my then boyfriend wanted to spend more of his free time alone with me, Jake came to hate me. Jake stole my stuff, broke my stuff, opened doors and windows whenever I turned on the AC, automatically assumed that anything that happened to his stuff was me trying to get revenge (which would accomplish what?!), complained that he was the only one doing house chores and became anal about things in the sink (after a year of me being the ONLY one who did the dishes or any other chores), while throwing things in the dishwasher (think caked on spaghetti, bowls of macaroni, and cups full of tobacco spit) without emptying or rinsing them. When he started messing with my kittens I was out. I moved in with my then fiancee's parents. Jake spent time there as well, and always spoke badly of me, to the point that my future inlaws stepped in. In all of this, my boyfriend/fiance was useless. Jake was less cruel to me when he was around, and acted like nothing was wrong when they were alone. My ISTP knew what was going on but I learned that he had never learned how to deal with conflict before, ever, and refused to do so. We cut off ties with Jake, and the wedding planning was underway, I was living with my ISTPs nice family, and I should have thought things through at that point, but I was excited to get married and thought we would be fine.

We now have a house that honestly I didn't want, but he and the inlaws and our stupid agent pressed me into, and I was young and stupid. He also got a truck that put us farther in debt. I'm on the loan, but I should have thought that through too. If he thinks he can afford it, he should afford it on his own. I drive a car that he bought for 300 and fixed some issue it had. I went into debt paying 700 for his truck down payment because I'm an idiot. He has 3 cars that don't run but could easily be sold. He means to sell them, but shit doesn't seem to get done unless I do it. Including paying regular bills, which he was ignoring when I moved in with him. He means to but between work and spending time with me he forgets everything else. He should not have a mechanic line of credit where he can buy tools and toolboxes because I don't think he's mature enough, but he does. This is the one bill that he physically pays, not me. After a few years I noticed that this debt going up instead of down. I gravely explained to him that he will stop buying tools faster than he pays for them. Yes, he makes like 3 times as much as I do but he is the reason that we can't afford groceries.

Recently I feel like I don't like him anymore. I used to love him because of the way he treats me, but now any thoughtfulness he has comes after months of nagging. I've started to complain to friends and coworkers about him, when I normally can't shut up about how sweet he is. He's noticed my touchiness, and it keeps him up. When something keeps him up, it keeps him up until I happen to wake up, see that he's awake, and help him go to sleep. So, it's been keeping me from sleeping too. I hate it when he touches me, but I let him so we can both sleep. I don't want to divorce him after I married him so young. Please keep this in mind if you reply. I'm really young and no one in my family has been divorced and I'm in his childhood town, thousands of miles from my own. I wish I had thought things through. At this moment I wish I had at least put off marrying him a few more years. I'm hoping someone has advice or helpful input, but ultimately desperate to get out of this situation.

 

[thoughtlost]

Hi,

I have not been married or anything near it, but yeah... that doesn't look very good.
This is the perfect time to get a divorce (because it doesn't look like you have children)
But you don't want to, so yeah. You can't force him to change... it'll just drain you.

Live your own life. You are married and you'll have to define the marriage in a way that you can still be decently happy.

IDK... this is sort of the best I can say...

 

[prplchknz]

yes, yes it is.

 

[BadOctopus]

How old is he? Maybe he just needs time to mature. Right now, the way you describe him, he sounds like an overgrown child. Then again, some people never grow up. There's no guarantee that he'll ever correct his behavior.

Anyway, you need to tell him all this. Everything you told us here. He won't want to listen, and he'll probably try to stop you from telling him, but he has to know how hard he's made your life. He needs to be aware of his accountability. Only when he's realized what he's done to you will it be possible for him to change.

But if he does know how he's treated you and still doesn't change, then there's probably no point in staying with him. It seems like he doesn't respect you, and to be honest, it sounds like you don't respect him either. Unless that changes, it won't get any better. A relationship devoid of mutual respect just doesn't work.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

This sounds like a complete mess. I get there are two sides to every story. But from what you describe there is no sexual pleasure/chemistry. No communication. Differences in what stimulates each of you. Did he have a prior sexual relationship with "Jake"?

What are you getting out of this? Like, what is the good?

 

[ceecee]

You could try counseling but he sounds like a 4 year old. If nothing else, do not bring a child into this mess.

 

[Redbone]

I'm so sorry. This sounds really tough and you sound really unhappy with your situation.

What do you see here that is worth salvaging to you? You say you don't want to divorce him because you married him so young...that is worth the price of staying in this relationship when it seems like you both are no longer going in the same direction (I could be wrong about that but it seems like that from what you wrote)? And when you attempt to discuss and resolve things, all he can contribute is stonewalling? That's a death knell right there.

I think you need to remember you can't save this marriage by yourself. Good luck to you no matter what you decide.

 

[PeaceBaby]

The question:

Is my relationship broken?

What is your definition of a relationship? If it's one in which there is mutual love and support, where each partner is focussed on the other's needs, then I think your whole post should really reveal the answer you already know. You are not loving this man. My feeling is that you're pinning most of the failings on him and not really taking a glance in the mirror at your own self to see where your contributions (or lack of them) has been enabling and problematic or hasn't been helpful. Your post shows that you're willing to look at the failings of your relationship with a critical eye but not that you're able to look at yourself and make the same assessment. Yes, you can say you were young, and that certainly bears mention and has traction in discussing the issues at hand, but ultimately is unhelpful to be used as a rationalization for this present situation.

Here is my question: do you love this man? Do you seek to show him that love with your every action towards him? Love is a verb, it is ACTION, are you loving him? So in many ways, your choice is very simple. You either resolve to love him, or you don't. It is not about him, is it all about YOU. If you do not want to love him, then the best thing you could do is release him from a situation where he is strapped to you but you're not going to love him freely and fully.

You say he works 70 hours a week. That is a LOT of time. Then the times he is home he wishes to spend with you. Is that not normal? Yet I can feel your derision of him in this post, your almost despising of his weakness. Why do you feel this way? There is much we could look at, including why Jake is any sort of relevance here, but ultimately it all comes down to one single truth:

If you choose not to love him, you have no better option than to release him from your vows, and move on. Not for your sake alone, but his as well. This is independent of him being the cause of all of the problems, whether he is a "good" person or a "bad" person, a hard-working husband or a lazy dirtbag. It is about CHOICE. It is about YOU.

My advice to you is to seek marital counseling, and discover if you can still work together towards the mutual aim of supporting and loving each other. At least then all avenues will have been explored and you can move on knowing you made the best effort you could at this time in your lives.

Good luck to you - I know my post might sound harsh to you, but I really hope for the best for you and your partner.

 

[Poki]

Sounds like he is broken as well as your relationship. You cant help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. I wish the best of luck, but I don't have any advice other then to find someone else. Especially if there are no kids, no love, no sex, etc. Maybe even part ways for a bit and then see how things are a couple years down the road.

 

[Pionart]

Married 2 years INTP F and ISTP M

He is a mechanic.

Haha

 

[ISTP-Rudy]

I understand what's going on. Only an ISTPs will who understand themselves. Don't listen to anyone else. They don't get it.

Give him more alone time, because when he doesn't get it, he starts getting tired of you. When he gets tired of you and feels horny, that's where porn comes in. He is not cheating on you, but porn will do they job the easy way. Don't question him when you see he doesn't feel like talking. Do it later when he's in a better mood. The short statements mean he doesn't feel like explaining, you're nagging, leave him alone. When he complains about stuff, try to see it his way or at least pretend to agree or understand. He doesn't want answers from you about it, he just wants to vent. Take his side, he'll appreciate it.

Give him lots of personal space. If you crowd him, he'll grow tired of you, if you give him lots or space, he will be glad to see you when he does. He'll like you more that way, things will return to normal. He'll be back to how you liked him. Let him have his "secrets" and don't snoop on him. It's a betrayal. They are not really secrets, just his personal things. ISTPs are very private people. When we are alone, we re-charge. The less personal space we get, the more frustrated and angry we can get because we didn't re-charge. Man caves are good for this.

Let him call the shots. When he doesn't feel like sex, wait until he feels like it. Let him initiate. You pressure him on anything, he'll do the opposite. BTW, mechanics and ISTPs are very good at things if they understand how they work. If he doesn't understand what gives you orgasm, teach him, show him physically what to do. Ask him to google how to find your g-spot (nicely). Its easy when you know how. But don't pressure him about it. And don't nagg ask him nicely when he's in a better mood.

With the bills, the best thing to do is to have a separate bank account for necessary household stuff and groceries where every month a certain amount of money goes in for that stuff. That account is not to be used for other things. Write down your budget for this and let him pick the groceries that he likes, so he knows that money is for his favorite food. Weed and alcohol is to "get away" from the noise in his head when he doesn't have lots of alone time. That noise may include your nagging if you do it too much. All he wants is understanding and for you to be on his side.

Find things for him to "fix" We always wanna fix things. Sometimes all we need to know is that we can.
That's why the cars are still not fixed. He knows he can, but he doesn't feel like actually doing it. Challenge him to fix the cars and sell them, maybe find someone who will buy the car if it's fixed. Then he'll fix it. Right now there isn't anyone interested in the car, so why fix it? But if someone wants it, then the reason is there.

 

[joymac]

I understand what's going on. Only an ISTPs will who understand themselves. Don't listen to anyone else. They don't get it.

Give him more alone time, because when he doesn't get it, he starts getting tired of you. When he gets tired of you and feels horny, that's where porn comes in. He is not cheating on you, but porn will do they job the easy way. Don't question him when you see he doesn't feel like talking. Do it later when he's in a better mood. The short statements mean he doesn't feel like explaining, you're nagging, leave him alone. When he complains about stuff, try to see it his way or at least pretend to agree or understand. He doesn't want answers from you about it, he just wants to vent. Take his side, he'll appreciate it.

Give him lots of personal space. If you crowd him, he'll grow tired of you, if you give him lots or space, he will be glad to see you when he does. He'll like you more that way, things will return to normal. He'll be back to how you liked him. Let him have his "secrets" and don't snoop on him. It's a betrayal. They are not really secrets, just his personal things. ISTPs are very private people. When we are alone, we re-charge. The less personal space we get, the more frustrated and angry we can get because we didn't re-charge. Man caves are good for this.

Let him call the shots. When he doesn't feel like sex, wait until he feels like it. Let him initiate. You pressure him on anything, he'll do the opposite. BTW, mechanics and ISTPs are very good at things if they understand how they work. If he doesn't understand what gives you orgasm, teach him, show him physically what to do. Ask him to google how to find your g-spot (nicely). Its easy when you know how. But don't pressure him about it. And don't nagg ask him nicely when he's in a better mood.

With the bills, the best thing to do is to have a separate bank account for necessary household stuff and groceries where every month a certain amount of money goes in for that stuff. That account is not to be used for other things. Write down your budget for this and let him pick the groceries that he likes, so he knows that money is for his favorite food. Weed and alcohol is to "get away" from the noise in his head when he doesn't have lots of alone time. That noise may include your nagging if you do it too much. All he wants is understanding and for you to be on his side.

Find things for him to "fix" We always wanna fix things. Sometimes all we need to know is that we can.
That's why the cars are still not fixed. He knows he can, but he doesn't feel like actually doing it. Challenge him to fix the cars and sell them, maybe find someone who will buy the car if it's fixed. Then he'll fix it. Right now there isn't anyone interested in the car, so why fix it? But if someone wants it, then the reason is there.

Aaaaand apparently I will never date an ISTP? I don't have time for this childishness.

 

[Earworms]

I'm an ISTP and I think I may understand where he is coming from.
I wonder what his side of the story might be. It kind of sounds like he doesn't like you either.
If he is still smoking pot, it may have altered his brain chemistry. Pornography definitely will alter his brain, his reward center is reacting differently, either that or you are a real beach.
Quit nagging and get some family counseling, either that or cut your losses and call it quits.

 

[Earworms]

Aaaaand apparently I will never date an ISTP? I don't have time for this childishness.

ISTPs are no more childish than anyone else. There may be other issues at work here, other than MBTI.

 

[Dyslexxie]

I'm assuming he's also quite young and maybe he doesn't know how to treat you now that you're married. No doubt he also knows things aren't working, so he's taking it out in very weird ways, only making it worse. What he needs to do is listen to you and actually try to talk about the issues, and I would suggest instead of trying to fix one thing at a time, lay it all down and let him know. I find tiptoeing around major issues and solving small chunks doesn't really help try fix anything, it's just patches on something ugly. Make sure you yourself know what you want (regardless of financials, family, etc.) and let him know. If there is anything there to salvage he needs to start changing.
The biggest concern I have is you saying you're not sure you even like him. If you don't, don't force yourself to. It'll only lead to your ultimate unhappiness. Just be honest with yourself and know when to cut your losses.
I hope you figure it out sweetie, there's no reason to feel like that.

I understand what's going on. Only an ISTPs will who understand themselves. Don't listen to anyone else. They don't get it.

Give him more alone time, because when he doesn't get it, he starts getting tired of you. When he gets tired of you and feels horny, that's where porn comes in. He is not cheating on you, but porn will do they job the easy way. Don't question him when you see he doesn't feel like talking. Do it later when he's in a better mood. The short statements mean he doesn't feel like explaining, you're nagging, leave him alone. When he complains about stuff, try to see it his way or at least pretend to agree or understand. He doesn't want answers from you about it, he just wants to vent. Take his side, he'll appreciate it.

Give him lots of personal space. If you crowd him, he'll grow tired of you, if you give him lots or space, he will be glad to see you when he does. He'll like you more that way, things will return to normal. He'll be back to how you liked him. Let him have his "secrets" and don't snoop on him. It's a betrayal. They are not really secrets, just his personal things. ISTPs are very private people. When we are alone, we re-charge. The less personal space we get, the more frustrated and angry we can get because we didn't re-charge. Man caves are good for this.

Let him call the shots. When he doesn't feel like sex, wait until he feels like it. Let him initiate. You pressure him on anything, he'll do the opposite. BTW, mechanics and ISTPs are very good at things if they understand how they work. If he doesn't understand what gives you orgasm, teach him, show him physically what to do. Ask him to google how to find your g-spot (nicely). Its easy when you know how. But don't pressure him about it. And don't nagg ask him nicely when he's in a better mood.

With the bills, the best thing to do is to have a separate bank account for necessary household stuff and groceries where every month a certain amount of money goes in for that stuff. That account is not to be used for other things. Write down your budget for this and let him pick the groceries that he likes, so he knows that money is for his favorite food. Weed and alcohol is to "get away" from the noise in his head when he doesn't have lots of alone time. That noise may include your nagging if you do it too much. All he wants is understanding and for you to be on his side.

Find things for him to "fix" We always wanna fix things. Sometimes all we need to know is that we can.
That's why the cars are still not fixed. He knows he can, but he doesn't feel like actually doing it. Challenge him to fix the cars and sell them, maybe find someone who will buy the car if it's fixed. Then he'll fix it. Right now there isn't anyone interested in the car, so why fix it? But if someone wants it, then the reason is there.

While I can appreciate someone who'd be this patience and patience is a virtue, etc., what kind of relationship is it where one person has to do EVERYTHING, including babying a grown ass man who doesn't even have the motivation to save himself, much less to help another person he's in a relationship with? Personality type aside, there's a point where you gotta cut the cord and let them grow up, and if she does everything for him he's never going to grow up.

There's only so long a person can deal with another's inability to function, and eventually the other person will end up dead inside. Maybe I'm biased, but there's nothing I hate more than an adult who hides behind their excuses, never dealing with the problems because ~they don't like conflict. Life is all about conflict (said the ENTP), and sometimes it's necessary.

 

[Earworms]

Does he masturbate during or after watching porn? I'm guessing that he does.

Smoking pot and having sex are often just about feeling good, altering the way one feels and nothing else. Sounds like he just wants to feel good, because something in his life, something about his life sucks. Stuck in a rut.

If he isn't having sex with you, then there must be a reason why. Hopefully you don't play the game and withhold sex as a way to control him or as a type of punishment. Any woman that I've ever been in a relationship with who has habitually withheld sex from me, lost me for good.

Here is a suggestion, maybe watch some porn with him, and fulfill his fantasies, then maybe he'll begin to open up to you.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

Does he masturbate during or after watching porn? I'm guessing that he does.

Genius.

 

[Earworms]

Genius.

Well, I wasn't going to insist one way or another without actually knowing all the facts. It is possible to look at porn and not be terribly turned on by it. Some people have little or no libido. Have you ever been to a bachelor party where a bunch of guys watch a classic porn movie? Something like "Debbie Does Dallas" or "Deep Throat." You know, all the guys don't just all of a sudden run to the bathroom for some privacy.

I've actually known a couple of previously married women, who had been in sexless marriages. They related to me about catching or discovering their husbands watching porn and/or masturbating. Another woman related to me that her divorce was because her husband switched sides, joined the other team. Yet another woman related to me that her husband was into kiddie porn, apparently he got himself into some trouble because of it.

If a married man is masturbating to satisfy his urges, what does that say about his wife or the state of his marriage?
I really don't understand any addiction to porn, but then again, what do I know. However there are some studies that have shown changes inside the brain because of it.

A couple needs to fix their problems together, it isn't the responsibility of just one or the other.

 

[Earworms]

I'm assuming he's also quite young and maybe he doesn't know how to treat you now that you're married. No doubt he also knows things aren't working, so he's taking it out in very weird ways, only making it worse. What he needs to do is listen to you and actually try to talk about the issues, and I would suggest instead of trying to fix one thing at a time, lay it all down and let him know. I find tiptoeing around major issues and solving small chunks doesn't really help try fix anything, it's just patches on something ugly. Make sure you yourself know what you want (regardless of financials, family, etc.) and let him know. If there is anything there to salvage he needs to start changing.
The biggest concern I have is you saying you're not sure you even like him. If you don't, don't force yourself to. It'll only lead to your ultimate unhappiness. Just be honest with yourself and know when to cut your losses.
I hope you figure it out sweetie, there's no reason to feel like that.


While I can appreciate someone who'd be this patience and patience is a virtue, etc., what kind of relationship is it where one person has to do EVERYTHING, including babying a grown ass man who doesn't even have the motivation to save himself, much less to help another person he's in a relationship with? Personality type aside, there's a point where you gotta cut the cord and let them grow up, and if she does everything for him he's never going to grow up.

There's only so long a person can deal with another's inability to function, and eventually the other person will end up dead inside. Maybe I'm biased, but there's nothing I hate more than an adult who hides behind their excuses, never dealing with the problems because ~they don't like conflict. Life is all about conflict (said the ENTP), and sometimes it's necessary.

Well apparently the guy is working 70 hours a week. Don't you think it's possible that he is suffering from some kind of burn out?

 

[Dyslexxie]

Well apparently the guy is working 70 hours a week. Don't you think it's possible that he is suffering from some kind of burn out?

Why is that his wife's fault? No one has to do anything they don't want to do, but if he's feeling burned out and is realizing it's affecting not only his but her happiness too, it may be time to reassess. In relationships we become somewhat responsible for the other persons happiness too, and if he realizes what he's doing is messing with her too he needs to take a look at his life and decide what matters. Excuses can be found for anything but consciously choosing to neglect someone and then avoiding giving them any explanation for the behaviour is a dick move, regardless of the circumstances of your life.