[ISFP] flighty ISFP girl

[Qlip]

Well, she's actually a woman.. Just wanted to get some points of view on this...

There's an ISFP I really just adore who has a long distance boyfriend, and their relationship is on the rocks. You could say that I have a crush on her, and she knows it and also I know she enjoys my company. The crush itself is amazing, very dreamy, magical, almost platonic feeling.. almost. I find myself just wanting to be around her, just to be around her.

Getting to know her has been a very slow process. The only reason I was able to get in her good graces in the first place was because I met her when she was drunk, a rare incident, and we had some deep conversation. And I subletted a room at her place for a couple of weeks, and was able to show her I'm a sensitive, reliable dude (Yes, an ENFP who's reliable), which she values, and I was there to help out when she got sick. If that hadn't happened, I wouldn't have ever caught up with her.. she never stays still enough to really get to know.

So, lately it's been pretty touch and go. She'll invite my places and then the plans will be canceled, I show up randomly, she looks put out, but warms up at the end and says she hopes to see me again, only to be put out again when I show up. The last time I hung out with her, I kinda just showed up at my good friend's house where the ISFP was crashing, because I legitimately needed a getaway for the day, and I didn't mind having an excuse to hang out with her. She bolted for most of that day, I'm sure she thought it was very rude of me (and said so in coded language), but by the end of the night we were watching TV on the couch with her leg up on me.

So, I know ISFPs are supposed to be a little flighty, but I'm going to assume that maybe she is more so because of the boyfriend. Also, I know she is just flighty with guys in general, having bad past relationship experiences. This is why she has an LD relationship, she has said so herself. I feel like I'm getting to the point where I might be end up being obnoxiously intrusive.

So, I *think* I'm going to back off, and only come hang in incidental group settings. But, do ISFPs ever get to the point where they take the initiative to show they actually want to spend time with someone they like and actually show up? Or will it always have to me trying to pounce or nonchalantly floating in at just the right moment in time?

 

[ayoitsStepho]

May I just say that I think you should be extremely careful to not allow your emotions to be entangled in her.
Here are a few problems I'm seeing:

1. Boyfriend. Despite how crappy the relationship is turning, she's still in a relationship. Be very wary! She could easily use you as a form of comfort if her boyfriend isn't up to par for the moment and then just as easily ignore you to be with him. Just be careful, please. Gosh, I know that I could easily whore it up if I'm not getting the right kind of attention I need. I'm not saying she's necessarily doing that but it's a possibility she could just use you for the feelers and leave.

2. If she really wants to be around you then she'll be more consistent. I enjoy my friends. When they ask to hang out, I hang out with them. I only get annoyed with people wanting to hang out if I'm not all that interested in them. Sure I could eventually have fun, but I'm usually very happy to see the people I care about. If she's flighty about that stuff then maybe you should find someone who will be so stinkin' excited to be around you. You deserve to have someone who wants to be around you despite you just "showing up" for no reason. When someone I enjoy pops up without me knowing, it makes me happy! I'd hope she would be the same.

As someone who thinks she's an ISFP (ahem, me :hi, when I was completely sure that I liked a friend of mine, and was somewhat sure of his affections towards me, I jumped his ass. I told him that I liked him and now we've been together for 3 months. For me, if I'm not very sure of how I feel about people, I will just kinda float by without much to really pull me in. When someone is interesting enough to me (friendships or whatnot) then I'll make an effort to be around those people. That's really it.

I hope that helps you decide where you'd like to go with this relationship.

 

[Thalassa]

Flighty?

Dude, oh my god, you just keep showing up randomly? I'd kill you. No wonder she looks "put out." I despise people who show up randomly. They're lucky they don't get pushed out of a fourth story window.

She seems like she "warms up" because she gets used to your presence and sees the value in it, being a flexy FP...I'm the same way, when certain people force themselves on me, I adjust somehow to them being there (I don't have another choice do I, other than murder?) and sometimes I do acquiesce that I enjoyed myself when a friend or acquaintance does something like this....occasionally. Sounds like you do it A LOT.

It's also possible that she'll "adjust" to your presence and just uses you for comfort, like propping her leg on you while watching tv doesn't mean animal magnetism, it could be like "oh well here's this nice guy that who will let me put my feet on him opportunistically." It's sort of like offering someone a free couch they didn't ask for, and then wondering why they sit on it once you get the couch there, but never-the-less later decide they like a different couch better.

 

[Thalassa]

May I just say that I think you should be extremely careful to not allow your emotions to be entangled in her.
Here are a few problems I'm seeing:

1. Boyfriend. Despite how crappy the relationship is turning, she's still in a relationship. Be very wary! She could easily use you as a form of comfort if her boyfriend isn't up to par for the moment and then just as easily ignore you to be with him. Just be careful, please. Gosh, I know that I could easily whore it up if I'm not getting the right kind of attention I need. I'm not saying she's necessarily doing that but it's a possibility she could just use you for the feelers and leave.

Yeah that's basically what I said, in different words...great minds think alike.

2. If she really wants to be around you then she'll be more consistent. I enjoy my friends. When they ask to hang out, I hang out with them. I only get annoyed with people wanting to hang out if I'm not all that interested in them. Sure I could eventually have fun, but I'm usually very happy to see the people I care about. If she's flighty about that stuff then maybe you should find someone who will be so stinkin' excited to be around you. You deserve to have someone who wants to be around you despite you just "showing up" for no reason. When someone I enjoy pops up without me knowing, it makes me happy! I'd hope she would be the same.

Yep.

As someone who thinks she's an ISFP (ahem, me :hi, when I was completely sure that I liked a friend of mine, and was somewhat sure of his affections towards me, I jumped his ass. I told him that I liked him and now we've been together for 3 months. For me, if I'm not very sure of how I feel about people, I will just kinda float by without much to really pull me in. When someone is interesting enough to me (friendships or whatnot) then I'll make an effort to be around those people. That's really it.

I hope that helps you decide where you'd like to go with this relationship.

I've been like that myself since puberty.

 

[Giggly]

It doesn't sound like she's ready or wanting a boyfriend, period.

 

[Qlip]

[MENTION=8046]ayoitsStepho[/MENTION] and [MENTION=4398]Giggly[/MENTION] Thanks, that was pretty helpful. More below..

Flighty?

Dude, oh my god, you just keep showing up randomly? I'd kill you. No wonder she looks "put out." I despise people who show up randomly. They're lucky they don't get pushed out of a fourth story window.

She seems like she "warms up" because she gets used to your presence and sees the value in it, being a flexy FP...I'm the same way, when certain people force themselves on me, I adjust somehow to them being there (I don't have another choice do I, other than murder?) and sometimes I do acquiesce that I enjoyed myself when a friend or acquaintance does something like this....occasionally. Sounds like you do it A LOT.

It's also possible that she'll "adjust" to your presence and just uses you for comfort, like propping her leg on you while watching tv doesn't mean animal magnetism, it could be like "oh well here's this nice guy that who will let me put my feet on him opportunistically." It's sort of like offering someone a free couch they didn't ask for, and then wondering why they sit on it once you get the couch there, but never-the-less later decide they like a different couch better.

Haha. Thanks also, Marm.

No, the truth is, I actually don't show up randomly.. I'm just kind of empathetic and in retrospect it feels like it to me. Besides when we're all out, dancing or something, I've really only hung with her specifically 3 times outside of when I was living with her. The first time I was invited, I was in the area and she canceled, then she said she probably had time, then she went awol. So I just showed up to return the DVD with a neighbor at least, but she was there and she looked cranky and it was clear she thought my DVD story was made up but eventually we had a really deep talk.

The second time she invited me over the day she got out of the hospital from her bicycle accident, that ended very lovely. Then we had a falling out, probably because I was coming on too strong, but ran into each other again, semi-randomly, not sure if she thought it was random or if I was intruding, probably the latter, but that ended nicely. The third is when I did 'just show up', but I texted ahead of time, and it was at my good friends house which I stayed at for 6 months myself and it feels like a second home, and I figured I could help with her dogs, they tend to be a handful.

All these events seemed to be filled with coded 'messages', basically telling me she wasn't available, but always ended in a stated promise to hang in a near timeframe. SP communication is always a little strange for me, there was an ISTP who broke me in on it. The thing with Ns, is that, if you haven't noticed, we talk about a lot shit, but it never necessarily means anything. I've found, so far, that when an SP says something it's always directly attached to a very present thought or it's an attempt to communicate.

But, anyway, I get your point, both your points. Good answers, it reinforces what I was going to do anyway.

 

[ayoitsStepho]

Yeah that's basically what I said, in different words...great minds think alike.

I've been like that myself since puberty.

Of course, we're awesome!

[MENTION=10714]Qlip[/MENTION]: I'm glad I could help. Go find a woman worth your time and energy. If she's awesome, she too, will put in time and effort to be with you.
Good luck!

 

[Qlip]

Ohh, just got a general invite out of the blue to hang, and an invite to go to a concert with her on Saturday. As promised, I'm keeping this friend zoned, but I'm pleased.

 

[Fun in the Sun]

Seems like a difficult situation you're in and someone's bound to get hurt here. It sounds like you really like her. Here's the thing though, she knows you like her, but she has a boyfriend and she is probably struggling morally by hanging out with you. That may be why has been acting flighty around you. I wouldn't recommend letting her cheat on her boyfriend with you because she may come to regret it, which could further damage things between the two of you. I would just take it slow and see how things go as friends, but it's your call man, I'm just going by what I read.

 

[Qlip]

Seems like a difficult situation you're in and someone's bound to get hurt here. It sounds like you really like her. Here's the thing though, she knows you like her, but she has a boyfriend and she is probably struggling morally by hanging out with you. That may be why has been acting flighty around you. I wouldn't recommend letting her cheat on her boyfriend with you because she may come to regret it, which could further damage things between the two of you. I would just take it slow and see how things go as friends, but it's your call man, I'm just going by what I read.

Fun, I haven't seen you around, thanks for popping in! Yeah, I really do like her, but I'm not (currently) obsessed, I already got past my super-infatuation. Yeah, that's really what it comes down to, although I kind of did start off coming on strong... ENFP instinct. Last time I really attempted to set and show boundaries as far as subjects and personal space. It's kind of a thing I'm working on just in general since I've been gaining a lot of lady friends that I happen to be attracted to, but I would like to retain as friends for one reason or another.

 

[Fun in the Sun]

Fun, I haven't seen you around, thanks for popping in! Yeah, I really do like her, but I'm not (currently) obsessed, I already got past my super-infatuation. Yeah, that's really what it comes down to, although I kind of did start off coming on strong... ENFP instinct. Last time I really attempted to set and show boundaries as far as subjects and personal space. It's kind of a thing I'm working on just in general since I've been gaining a lot of lady friends that I happen to be attracted to, but I would like to retain as friends for one reason or another.

Thanks for the welcome, Qlip! Sounds like you're on the right track, good for you! I'm a kind of a newbie here and haven't posted too much so far. Later!

 

[Qlip]

This is turning into a blog. Just wanted to confirm that you ladies were right. I talked to a friend who apparently talks to her about me and other people. The friend basically said that the ISFP has felt let down since she had her accident and her BF did not come to visit her. She didn't mention what was said about me, but it was obvious I was in the same class as this one guy, an ESFP who immediately swooped in on the opportunity, and has already given her 2 ultimatums (lol) to leave her BF for him. In spite of her professed lack of interest in him, she continues to hang out with him when he wants to come by. In fact, I've hung out with them, she's uhh, very affectionate. I didn't read all that much into it, they're a couple o' SP burners, so whatevs.

 

[Chaotic Harmony]

I tend to think we're flirty by nature... and I know I'm a people person. So, while I get irritated when I'm not expecting guests, I let it go quickly and just deal with it without showing much irritation. Even if I was supposed to have plans with someone and they drop by, I'll get annoyed for a moment. And if alcohol is involved good Lord I can be touchy feely with everyone.

So totally not surprised by an ESFP swooping in on an opportunity.

I can't really add much more that Steph and Marmi haven't already touched on.

 

[Qlip]

Thanks [MENTION=7420]Chaotic Harmony[/MENTION], I'm really getting to know you guys.

Hah... was out last night and hung with her and one of her other, new, boy toys. We had just come off the roof to look at the moon above the city skyline sitting at the edge of the building. I had made a comment about lunacy, and she kept on repeating this pun she had made on the word... but I just didn't get. But she would keep repeating it, thinking it was more and more funny every time she did, especially since I had no idea what it was supposed to mean.

When we were alone, I told her that every time she repeats her little phrase I feel as if she had drugged my drink, and nothing makes sense anymore. Then her eyes got wide and innocent and she said, "Qlip. Do you always feel like you're on drugs when you're with me?" I grinned and gave her a look, and didn't answer.

You naughty, naughty ISFPs.

Then we parted ways and I went dancing with lesbians and she with gay men.