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[ISTP] ISTPs and Affairs/Cheating

grendiecat

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I have an ISTP friend I've known for a couple years now. We started dating, but then he got back together with a girlfriend. We've never slept together, in fact, have only kissed each other once. We've maintained very casual contact for a couple years now (have gotten together 4 or 5 times, just for dinner. He's always tried to get me to have an affair with him (I haven't) but we also have a very intellectual relationship which I think is the reason I've maintained any contact with him. His girlfriend tried to leave him once by getting involved with another man (this is when we met) but it didn't work out as she wished. Now he's actually engaged to her but won't set a date for the wedding. He's still trying to pursue me to have an affair with him.

Is an ISTP more likely to do this than other "types"? Why get engaged to someone and still wish to have an affair with someone else? He has said that he doesn't believe relationships last forever. And now that he's engaged, he won't set the date? Seems like he's being dragged into everything. Can an ISTP be serious about someone, be engaged, and still pursue an affair with someone else? As an ENFP, this is really puzzling to me.
 

miss fortune

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I was once involved with an ENFP until I found out about his wife... there's no type that's immune to cheating :)
 

KDude

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He has said that he doesn't believe relationships last forever. And now that he's engaged, he won't set the date? Seems like he's being dragged into everything. Can an ISTP be serious about someone, be engaged, and still pursue an affair with someone else? As an ENFP, this is really puzzling to me.

A relationship lasts "forever", as long as the present seems good. If he's talking like that, then he's obviously not enjoying his current situation. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, like that's his final view or something.

If he's being "dragged" into something though, I don't know what to say. He's not a 9 year old girl in Saudi Arabia.

I've never cheated on anyone. I've been accused of it and lost relationships.. but not once has it been true. :coffee:
 

Bamboo

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Been the other guy, but I've never cheated.

If you make a commitment, I think you should keep it. If you don't like the commitment - don't make it. Renegotiate something else. If you can't convince the other party to go along with what you want without lying, in the case of something like a romantic relationship, why? Why do this?

As someone who believes strongly in the above and also values my freedom highly, I will not enter into a commitment with someone unless I intend to keep it. If I didn't have a background of seeing why being honest about commitments is best for both my and their happiness, then I may be more persuaded to cheat. But for as long as I can remember, even when I was the "other guy", I felt like I wouldn't want to cheat on my girl. I justified other people cheating with me because I didn't have any sort of agreement with either party. What they did was on them. However, I reject that now, because 1) it's not worth being with cheating girls and 2) i'm enabling their behavior.

But I've watched people cheat and break commitments over and over again so I see how it turns out.

---

Maybe this is an MBTI thing, but I'd look beyond that. Sometimes people are so eager to please they make commitments they can't keep just to make people happy, other times they are so eager to look good to someone else they lie. Sometimes people have trouble seeing they can negotiate. Why is he getting engaged? I somehow doubt this was his decision.
 

RaptorWizard

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I'm not sure this cheating problem is type related; it sounds like something any sleezy bastard of any type could do.

If you want to know what types are more likely to do this sort of thing though, the ISTP and their lack of loyalty would make them an option.

But like I said before, this sounds like universal problem in our society - perhaps it could be fixed by learning to better appreciate one another and our conflicting points of view.
 

miss fortune

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I'm not sure this cheating problem is type related; it sounds like something any sleezy bastard of any type could do.

If you want to know what types are more likely to do this sort of thing though, the ISTP and their lack of loyalty would make them an option.

But like I said before, this sounds like universal problem in our society - perhaps it could be fixed by learning to better appreciate one another and our conflicting points of view.

what the fuck, dude? :doh:
 

KDude

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what the fuck, dude? :doh:

lmao.. I was going to say something, but then had a second thought. I'm not sure how loyal I am actually. This goes beyond "relationships". I mean in general. I judge things on principal, rather than people.
 

miss fortune

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lmao.. I was going to say something, but then had a second thought. I'm not sure how loyal I am actually. This goes beyond "relationships". I mean in general. I judge things on principal, rather than people.

plus, cheating takes some effort :tongue:

despite site stereotypes, I'm pretty hideously loyal to whoever I'm with to the point of wearing blinders... this is a flaw :(
 

RaptorWizard

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You used to call yourself ISTP.

And indeed I could be one - and that doesn't change the negative qualities ISTPs could possess; I'm not perfect.

Just because I could be one though doesn't mean I currently believe myself to be one.

Speaking of one and talking about my type, I know The Great One turns half the threads he comments in into discussions about his type, and it looks like I'm headed in the same direction!
 

KDude

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You're too weird to be ISTP. And I don't mean weird to be insulting. It is what it is.

I've been that weird before, but it took a bag of shrooms, some lsd, and a psychotic meltdown over a period of two weeks.

The only reason why anyone would type you ISTP is because they are N valuing types, who can't help but conjure up different possibilities. They're like the cool kids who have to be "different", for no reason. ISTP is a "novel" answer, in their minds.
 
W

WALMART

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ISTP's can be opportunistic, to say something.


I know I've taken advantage of some 'status change' loopholes in my day.
 

EJCC

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You're too weird to be ISTP. And I don't mean weird to be insulting. It is what it is.

I've been that weird before, but it took a bag of shrooms, some lsd, and a psychotic meltdown over a period of two weeks.
It's the Ni. :yes:
 

Jaguar

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And indeed I could be one - and that doesn't change the negative qualities ISTPs could possess; I'm not perfect.

Just because I could be one though doesn't mean I currently believe myself to be one.

Speaking of one and talking about my type, I know The Great One turns half the threads he comments in into discussions about his type, and it looks like I'm headed in the same direction!

ISTPs - you mean people who claim that as their type for a month? Ah, yes. During the month they claim to be ISTP, they cheat. Special.
 

greenfairy

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Speaking of one and talking about my type, I know The Great One turns half the threads he comments in into discussions about his type, and it looks like I'm headed in the same direction!
Oh gosh, and I'm even more guilty. So that's not the purpose of the forum?


On topic, I've read that it's common for ISTP's to have this issue- but that could be nonsense. I'd say being Ti dominant they would be somewhat detached from people but also valuing fairness be "social" in their affections, wanting to give many people a fair chance. Then Se would add a physical and sensual orientation, and Ti would rationalize behavior. Of course this doesn't mean all ISTP's are likely to be cheaters, but this could explain the ones who are.
 

Rasofy

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It's not uncommon for men to be coerced into marrying, which might explain the fact that he's not concerned about setting a date for the event.

Also, it's perfectly viable for men to ''love'' a specific woman and feel physical attraction for other women.

Whether or not they will act on that depends on way too many variables, though SPs in general seem more willing than other types to act on their impulses - which shouldn't be generalized and yada yada yada *inserts politically correct speech implying that I've transcended typology*.
 
S

Society

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It's not uncommon for men to be coerced into marrying, which might explain the fact that he's not concerned about setting a date for the event.

that's my thought as well - it sounds to me like he made a verbal commitment but isn't backing up by an emotional one, either there was an ultimatum involved and he just didn't want to loose her so he chose it as the lesser evil, or he did it to make her happy while not thinking of whether he actually feels committed to her.
 

Randomnity

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And indeed I could be one - and that doesn't change the negative qualities ISTPs could possess; I'm not perfect.

Actually, loyalty is something that comes up frequently in the ISTP descriptions as a strength. So you're kinda full of shit on this one. You'd get further if you argued that ISTPs might be more likely to seize the moment and act without thinking of the consequences, resulting in cheating. Really though, type is not really a useful factor to think about in this case. It might affect the details of the way someone is most likely to cheat, but I don't think it affects their likelihood of cheating at all.

If you want another personal anecdote to add to the collection, I'm more monogamy-oriented than most people I know and have never cheated. I don't even like casually dating more than one person at a time, personally, although I don't think there's anything wrong with the practice.

Btw, I'd be extremely, extremely surprised if you are an ISTP. You are very unlike any ISTP I've known either here or offline.
 

EJCC

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And for you it's the Ne right?
What?

I meant that the Ni was probably why you, a more likely INTx, came across as being "too weird to be an ISTP", and why every ISTP on this thread has been hesitant to add you to the fold, preferring to see you as INTJ. If our situations were comparable, that would mean I was an ENTP, which is highly unlikely.
 
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