[MBTI General] ISTP/INFP Relationship

[brainheart]

Supposedly my husband is an ISTP and I'm an INFP. He seems to like me just fine, although we have had problems. We sometimes talk at each other, because he wants to talk about skateboarding and I want to talk about some cool idea I've discovered and we both have a hard time understanding or paying attention to what the other is saying. There are few movies we can watch together. But we both like concerts. We both like to drink and to eat good food. We both enjoy travel. We both love our kids. I think the key is to have others with whom you can totally INFP-out or totally ISTP-out. Don't expect your significant other to fulfill all your needs- good advice for anyone of any type, point in fact.

 

[frecklegirl]

This thread has been really helpful and interesting to me, so I just wanted to put in my two cents!

I'm an INFP and my boyfriend is an ISTP. We've been dating for almost two years and things have been going strong that entire time; there's been no decrease in passion or anything. I credit this to our excellent communication skills; we are good at talking through problems.

But, I can also recognize that many of the problems we do have arise from our somewhat different temperaments. He just can't understand my emotional approach, and I wish he wouldn't keep so many things bottled up. I will try and approach an issue from a "Here is how I feel, you may not have meant to when you did this but it hurt me, these are my feelings" standpoint, and he will argue with me that I "should" not feel that way because what he did shouldn't have upset me. That doesn't matter!! raaagh. Then the fight lasts forever because I'm trying to convince him that my opinion and feelings are valid, and he gets annoyed that things keep dragging on, when it's only because he doesn't appear to be listening to me!

Only in the past few days while delving back into MBTI research have I realized these issues probably stem from an INFP/ISTP natural conflict, haha.

But I really don't think INFPs and ISTPs are incompatible. In fact we tell each other all the time how compatible we think we are with each other. (But I also think he's more in touch with his emotions than most ISTPs; he's always written me amazing things about how he feels about me. And I'm also 50/50 on thinking/feeling, just I lean heavily towards feeling.) I think good, regular communication can overcome any inherent personality difference. Really, the fact that we can be pretty divergent in how we approach things just makes us more interesting to the other, I think. We alternately ground and inspire the other--idealistic me, realistic/cynical him. He is also able to read me really well--if I'm feeling upset in any way, without even saying anything, he knows.

I've also come to realize I may tend towards overreacting/being dramatic over what usually amounts to nothing, which is probably an INFP thing, and that doesn't really go over too well with him--especially when that's directed at him in a what he perceives to be unfair way, haha. He's really good at being a rock for me and assuring me I have his support when I'm freaking out about stuff, though.

And we are similar in that we both like to have our space. We have had some really peaceful moments where we're totally doing our own thing, just together. We also have common beliefs (politically, etc) and similar world views.

I also have to say to Unique, the guy who yearns after an INFP girl but she won't accept him... okay, seriously, you need to give this up. You're doing the obnoxious "Nice Guy" thing, where you hang around after a girl you like, waiting and hoping while she dates guys you consider beneath her and not as good as YOUUU would be, and thinking you know what's best for her dating-wise. And being so arrogant as to assume YOU are her perfect guy, based solely on your own judgment. How unbelievably self-serving! You do not know what's best for her--SHE does. And if she's rejected you when sober, regardless of if she hooked up with you when drunk and inhibitions lowered, then she doesn't like you that way. That's it, end of story, quit hanging around thinking you know best. Thank you.

 

[Pillows]

So I'm reviving an almost dead thread...but this seems so much more relevant to anything else I've found! I'm an SP for sure, (I go back and forth between I-E/F-P) and one would think I'd know my own type well enough to understand this ISTP guy I'm after.

I'm a pretty confident girl in social scenarios and generally I'd say I'm used to being pursued. But with this guy I feel my standard "gameplan" is totally thrown off! I met him haphazardly at a sports game and he gave me HIS number. Physically speaking I don't think hes particularly debonair, and for whatever reason that makes me believe he's genuine. But I have to say I am SO embarrassed how uncomfortable I am making the first move! We've been talking over the last few days via text message, (by my initiation) and when we do, he's really responsive and conversational.

I've been so confused as to how much I should do; I researched the heck out of ISTPs because I'm just that thrown off. Literally, it was this thread that made me text him in the first place after hearing Seamaid talk about how she was encountering similar feelings of insecurity with ISTP seemingly natural unresponsiveness. Sure there's the possibility that maybe he's not actually into me, but why bother keeping contact at all right? So, for my own piece of mind, I have to ask this question to the ISTPS...am I always going to be making the effort when it comes to verbal contact?

I feel like a crazy person.

 

[Little Laura]

I've been so confused as to how much I should do; I researched the heck out of ISTPs because I'm just that thrown off. Literally, it was this thread that made me text him in the first place after hearing Seamaid talk about how she was encountering similar feelings of insecurity with ISTP seemingly natural unresponsiveness. Sure there's the possibility that maybe he's not actually into me, but why bother keeping contact at all right? So, for my own piece of mind, I have to ask this question to the ISTPS...am I always going to be making the effort when it comes to verbal contact?

I feel like a crazy person.

I felt like a crazy cling-on girl all the time with my ISTP and I have never felt that way before. Normally, I am the one that needs some space.

I almost always have to initiate conversation. Once we didn't talk for a whole month and he didn't even notice. Ridiculous. If he ever does initiate conversation it is always some VERY random message, either to bitch about some stupid person, or to tell me something very funny, or to send me a link to a weird video/website. We are no longer what we once were, so I just take alot of these things as his way of maintaining our friendship because he knows I'll listen, make him feel better about himself, and share a similar sense of humour.

I have a feeling that ISTPs sometimes get caught up in their own little world more than other people.

As to whether or not he is into you....I have no idea. LOL. I'll leave that for you to find out or someone else to clarify.

 

[mcmartinez84]

I have a feeling that ISTPs sometimes get caught up in their own little world more than other people.

Yep.

I'm easily distracted by things in front of me, and I forget to talk to people all the time. Doesn't matter how long I've known you or how close we are...it's not my natural inclination to keep in touch.

I realize that makes me seem like a terrible friend at times 'cause the other person always initiates, but I'm there for them if they need me. The more I like the person, the more I'll go out of my way to cheer them up or hang around them.

As for INFPs - I've got a really good INFP friend. She's a real sweetheart to me. I miss her being around sometimes (I moved after college and now she's moved too). She used to come over and cook a random meal or watch tv and keep me company while I did chores around my disastrous apartment in college. Every trip she's been on, she's thought of me and gotten me some kind of gift that I'll like. Big or small, doesn't matter. Somehow she just knows wtf I'll like. Idk how she tolerates me

 

[sLiPpY]

"...it's not my natural inclination to keep in touch".

That remark resembles me somehow.

My closest friend moved away two years ago. It amazes me that two ISTP's have remained in touch, it's not a natural inclination...in absense of activity.
Even if the communication fades, I suspect "attained status" would have us picking up just like yesterday. If our paths cross again.

 

[luminous beam]

"...it's not my natural inclination to keep in touch".

That remark resembles me somehow.

My closest friend moved away two years ago. It amazes me that two ISTP's have remained in touch, it's not a natural inclination...in absense of activity.
Even if the communication fades, I suspect "attained status" would have us picking up just like yesterday. If our paths cross again.

That's interesting, so if it's not common for you two to incline to keep in touch, what do you think makes these friendships be any different? Ever had ex-es that you maintain connected to somehow still similar to this scenario?

 

[sLiPpY]

That's interesting, so if it's not common for you two to incline to keep in touch, what do you think makes these friendships be any different? Ever had ex-es that you maintain connected to somehow still similar to this scenario?

Nah, don't maintain connected. ex-es is excess.

I'm not sure what's different? or if the trend will continue?

 

[luminous beam]

^haha, you lazy bum. you just don't wanna look into it and figure out what's diff! only you and mcmartinez know the answer because it pertains to your individual relationships with your close friends. but i would like to see if there is a pattern between these.

 

[seamaid]

Is it normal for ISTPs to act warm and affectionate ('on') on some days, and then cool and distant ('off') the next day, only to completely not know what you're talking about if you mention that you're worried ISTP is ''not feeling it anymore" just because of that one 'off' day? It's like he forgets that he was totally cold and distant the next morning and is back to his cheerful, "I want you around me" self.

As an INFP who just wants her ISTP to be happy (all the time if it's in her power), I'd like to know why this is. We have only one persistent issue, and it's that I'm not outgoing enough in public (I have a bit of social phobia). This is something he has not explicitly complained about, but I know he'd be delighted if I was more talkative. Because after we get out of a social situation, he acts like he's bummed to be around me, because I wasn't the life of the party. Then as soon as we get home, he's his happy affectionate self again.

In private, he's fine with this -- we get along really well and communicate fine. But when we go out with his friends (there is one immature - subtly competitive, manipulative, and one-upping - female friend in particular who keeps rubbing me the wrong way -- I don't trust her and she has most of the symptoms of NPD) I get a bit nervous and quiet. I'm participating with a pleasant social face on but I think he's disappointed that I'm not coming off as super interesting. Which I feel really bad about. The fact is, he knows I am an interesting and intelligent person inside (which comes out in private), but he wants to have others know it too. And I could care less about flaunting myself, showing off and being pretentious the way his NPD friend does.

Why is he like this? He's 26 btw, I am 29.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

Is it normal for ISTPs to act warm and affectionate ('on') on some days, and then cool and distant ('off') the next day..

Yup.

...only to completely not know what you're talking about if you mention that you're worried ISTP is ''not feeling it anymore" just because of that one 'off' day? It's like he forgets that he was totally cold and distant the next morning and is back to his cheerful, "I want you around me" self.

He doesn't know what you're talking about because to him he wasn't acting any different from his normal self.

ISTP's can appear very quixotic to others but it's just us responding to our thoughts and desires at that moment - it's nothing personal. We are rather temperamental this way. Think of us as a Sine wave and not a flatline and you'll be fine.

Oh. When he acts "cold and distant" take that time to do your own thing. He may need some time to himself to recharge.

As an INFP who just wants her ISTP to be happy (all the time if it's in her power), I'd like to know why this is. We have only one persistent issue, and it's that I'm not outgoing enough in public (I have a bit of social phobia). This is something he has not explicitly complained about, but I know he'd be delighted if I was more talkative. Because after we get out of a social situation, he acts like he's bummed to be around me, because I wasn't the life of the party. Then as soon as we get home, he's his happy affectionate self again.

You're awfully hard on yourself. I would talk to him about your perception of this issue. Also, maybe he is "bummed out" because socializing took a toll on him and it isn't you at all? Just throwing things out there.

In private, he's fine with this -- we get along really well and communicate fine. But when we go out with his friends (there is one immature - subtly competitive, manipulative, and one-upping - female friend in particular who keeps rubbing me the wrong way -- I don't trust her and she has most of the symptoms of NPD) I get a bit nervous and quiet. I'm participating with a pleasant social face on but I think he's disappointed that I'm not coming off as super interesting. Which I feel really bad about. The fact is, he knows I am an interesting and intelligent person inside (which comes out in private), but he wants to have others know it too. And I could care less about flaunting myself, showing off and being pretentious the way his NPD friend does.

Why is he like this? He's 26 btw, I am 29.

I don't know about this. I can't speak for your SO but when I like someone I don't care if anyone else likes that person or not. I will hear my friend's opinion out and I've had instances where my friends approved and disapproved of various people's I've brought around and I'll listen to what they say but it's really none of their business. They don't have to deal with them - I do.

I notice you're hanging around his friends. Maybe bring a friend of yours along next time? This might help both of you out.

 

[Rainne]

As an INFP who just wants her ISTP to be happy (all the time if it's in her power)

Don't worry, ISTPs are naturally optimistic.

If we look "unhappy", it's because we're bored and this you can't really control.

 

[ubiquitous1]

As an INFP who just wants her ISTP to be happy (all the time if it's in her power), I'd like to know why this is. We have only one persistent issue, and it's that I'm not outgoing enough in public (I have a bit of social phobia). This is something he has not explicitly complained about, but I know he'd be delighted if I was more talkative. Because after we get out of a social situation, he acts like he's bummed to be around me, because I wasn't the life of the party. Then as soon as we get home, he's his happy affectionate self again.

In private, he's fine with this -- we get along really well and communicate fine. But when we go out with his friends (there is one immature - subtly competitive, manipulative, and one-upping - female friend in particular who keeps rubbing me the wrong way -- I don't trust her and she has most of the symptoms of NPD) I get a bit nervous and quiet. I'm participating with a pleasant social face on but I think he's disappointed that I'm not coming off as super interesting. Which I feel really bad about. The fact is, he knows I am an interesting and intelligent person inside (which comes out in private), but he wants to have others know it too. And I could care less about flaunting myself, showing off and being pretentious the way his NPD friend does.

Why is he like this? He's 26 btw, I am 29.

If he has not explicitly complained about it, you should probably check with him to see if your assumption is correct. I have noticed that how I perceive reality and how my husband perceives reality are two very different realities. He may perceive your tendency to introvert as you not being happy or having fun. My husband usually is distressed if I am not having fun or seem unhappy.

The only advice I have is, try not to take it personally or place your values on him. For example, I use to be like well if I acted like that it would mean... bad idea. The same goes for him, too.

Is it normal for ISTPs to act warm and affectionate ('on') on some days, and then cool and distant ('off') the next day, only to completely not know what you're talking about if you mention that you're worried ISTP is ''not feeling it anymore" just because of that one 'off' day? It's like he forgets that he was totally cold and distant the next morning and is back to his cheerful, "I want you around me" self.

My husband has appeared, to me, to be 'on' and 'off' over the years. Constant emotional bonding is not his forte :steam:. The same advice applies from the previous paragraph.

Good luck!
BTW, what is NPD?

 

[ISTP-Rudy]

I don't call people either, everyone calls me..eventually I feel like I'm bothering them or sucking up to them if I call...makes me feel like a needy guy if I do it...but most of the time I don't think about calling friends. I think about them and IM or email more often. I actually had to force learn myself to call another buddy who doesn't call anyone much either. I'm too busy to get bored and can only concentrate on one thing at a time and hate when people call me when I'm busy. Text or email is fine because I can check it on my own time and don't have to drop everything because someone wants to know "what's up?" Don't get me wrong, I love hearing from my friends/GFs when I'm not busy.

BTW Seamaid, we don't know when we're being cold, to us it seems like we are being logical and realistic when we say something that seems cold to you. Maybe you said something slightly irritating, something that he doesn't agree with, so change the subject. We love to be shown affection when we are not preoccupied with something at the moment. I loved when one of my GFs kept giving me little kisses when we were walking through the amusement park (when I'm not on a 'mission' doing something) or when she had her hand on top of mine for the whole 2 hour drive to the lake.
On the other hand if I'm dong something affection can piss me off.

If you're spending too much time together, or won't give him his down time, he'll get irritated about everything you do eventually. He'll slowly 'OD on Seamaid'. If you don't fit in with his friends, don't come along. It's not necessary. How do you fit in with an immature guy and a chick that you don't like anyway. Do your own thing when he's out with his friends and don't act jealous if you can't watch him with 'her' and don't know what happened that day. Nothing will happen anyway, so don't stress.

Also, don't talk/ask about his feelings. Remember one thing. It's one day at a time.
No long term commitments or complicated plans. I've always said that I would not want to get married but I could live with a woman for the rest of my life as long as it's one day at a time. No pressure. And no sneaky stuff. When I lose trust in them I drop them.

Rudy

 

[seamaid]

MDP2525, Rainne, ubiquitous1, ISTP-Rudy, Thanks for your replies!

I tend to read into things like his expression and body language because there isn't much else to go off of when we're not engaging in light conversation. Unfortunately, I blow tiny things up into huge proportions in my head and think OH NOES! He wants to break up! when he's not 'on' around me. And obviously that's not the case since he's back to his cheerful self the next morning.

I think you guys are right about him not being bummed out by ME personally but bored/drained/in-a-hurry-to-pee-when-he-gets-home. I probably don't help matters by being all worried, drained, and quiet myself after a long exhausting night of social interaction. I guess as an NF I feel almost obligated to be 'connecting' constantly. If it isn't happening I feel like I'm not being 'useful'.

Thank you for all the advice and reassurance. I think I was just freaking out inside. If I look at it one day at a time, my ISTP and I have a pretty awesome relationship. I may not really trust all of his friends, but we had a talk about that one female friend in particular before bed and I got to air out my gut feelings and he was cool with the fact that I am definitely going to take my time about trusting her. (Oh, and NPD is Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I was clear to him about not interfering with their friendship and trusting him to do what he thinks is right, even if I may not trust her. In the end, I think he believes I am acting carefully and logically about this and respects how maturely I'm handling things (ie. not out of jealousy entirely but mainly cautiousness given the facts and my own intuition).

I agree about the 'do your own thing'. Thankfully, I'm planning on going back for a Master's degree to eventually become a marital therapist/couples counselor, so I have plenty of things to keep me busy! Everything's going to be okay. =) Fingers crossed!!!

 

[mcmartinez84]

+1 to MDP2525, she hit the nail on the head.

Keep in mind that after social interaction it's nice to have that down, quiet time and he's comfortable being quiet around you. We're not necessarily comfortable being quiet around certain people. Or rather, I can tell when some people aren't comfortable being quiet around me.... Idc, personally. I can be quiet for a long time and not mind. I often play a game in my head where I call who is going to break the silence first. I usually guess right.

I also think you're being hard on yourself, seamaid.

FWIW, I don't really notice when I'm 'on' or 'off', or when I fluctuate between the two states until someone points it out to me. It's just 'cause I live right now. Right now I feel like giving you attention. And now I feel like being a solitary nerd. And now I feel like going to the park. It doesn't change the fact that I still like you.

Oh, and quiet time at home is definitely time for you to do your own thing. Yay independence!! The ENTJ I'm with now somehow knows when I need me-time and goes off for a jog or something and tells me to go be a nerd.

 

[sLiPpY]

^haha, you lazy bum. you just don't wanna look into it and figure out what's diff! only you and mcmartinez know the answer because it pertains to your individual relationships with your close friends. but i would like to see if there is a pattern between these.

Nah, for me at least it took a few days to figure out what the answer was. And it may yet still appear to be a non-answer.

That's interesting, so if it's not common for you two to incline to keep in touch, what do you think makes these friendships be any different? Ever had ex-es that you maintain connected to somehow still similar to this scenario?

I occassionally have unanticipated emotional "burst." Most of which never make it to the surface in mixed or private company.

Tonight I went to hit a bucket of golf balls for the first time in two years. Last time I'd played was the week before my friend moved away. It was the last activity we did together.

Hadn't talked with that friend in about a month. Ironically, my cell rang right after I'd parked. So I get through the first sentence to tell him where I'm at and omfg..."burst" *stomp* *stomp* keep it down.

I didn't care if that dude heard me cry like a bitch over the phone. But I didn't want for anyone else pulling into the driving range parking lot to see that. My friend knew exactly what was happening, I could hear it in his tone. It made him happy.

Thing is I know he knew exactly where that "burst" was rooted...as only another ISTP could understand. Didn't come up as a topic of discussion at all, and after a few minutes I settled out.

If it'd been some other friend or person on the phone, the "burst" might not have gotten triggered, and most certainly wouldn't have impacted my own tonal quality. It'd been transparent, if at all.

I loved swinging a golf club again this evening. Not realizing how much it meant to me, how much I'd missed it...that's where the emotional burst was rooted. The irony of having my "golf" buddy call, just as I was about to resume playing...for the first time in two years. That one didn't hit me until later, as I walked in the door.

 

[luminous beam]

so you're saying that you guys are close because he "gets you" then? but pointing out that the golf balls made you happier at first and then having talked to your buddy after a 2 yr hiatus lol

 

[toast]

It just doesn't make sense to me that a guy could like someone but not pursue them romantically.

Haha! I still don't get this and I've been with my ISTP for about 2 years. Even in a relationship, anything interpersonal usually has to be initiated by me. (With the exception of gift giving, because he uses that to connect.) He is very passive about initiating anything that involves me, like he never wants to persuade me into anything. (Sex, going somewhere together, watching something, compliments, conversation.) Of course, I can not understand this in practice, and doubt I ever will.

It used to cause fights because it bothered me so much, now I've just sort of adapted to be more comfortable with it. It was sooo bad at the beginning - he was extremely passive. The times he's tried to explain it for me (with some difficulty), he says its sort of a combination of not realizing he should act on his feelings and being really oblivious that I would want him to. He has also said, depending on the situation, that sometime he won't take action if he decides there will likely be some bad consequence like rejection. (He says he imagines worst case scenarios.)

Sometimes he will go into his 'cave' all day & then complain when I want to go out that night, because he's waiting for me to come to bed or he'll be confused when I am unsettled when I get to bed (because we haven't spoken all day). I think maybe its just the way he's introverted - holding (loving) things in is how he experiences them. Sometimes I get the sense that he thinks more about liking me, or the state of our relationship; or his happiness with me, than he expresses. I get affirmation that he likes me, but when I need more of it I have to ask him because he just feels normal holding it all in. He seems sincere when he says it just never occurs to him to do it.

As an INFP who just wants her ISTP to be happy (all the time if it's in her power), I'd like to know why this is. We have only one persistent issue, and it's that I'm not outgoing enough in public (I have a bit of social phobia). This is something he has not explicitly complained about, but I know he'd be delighted if I was more talkative. Because after we get out of a social situation, he acts like he's bummed to be around me, because I wasn't the life of the party.

This sounds kind of familiar in an odd way. My ISTP loves being around people but he always needs an escape route or a 'buffer.' I am his buffer in social situations... if I'm not feeling like being really talkative with our friends, he will get a bit moody. It seems to just be a comfort thing. He does have Fe in there somewhere, and his compulsion for it comes out in short bursts when we are socializing, but its not steady enough (and he isn't skilled enough expressing it) to maintain conversations, stories, jokes, as consistently as is needed to keep away those awkward silences. I see it as a sort of curse... haha... he craves being around new people or people he isn't entirely comfortable with (because then they are exciting), but he can't really do it very well unless its all activity. The socializing he is bad at, and if I'm not feeling up for it, he feels less enjoyment because he has to face that tension, and there can be a bit of resentment if he gets stressed.

Maybe something in that is related to your ISTP wanting you to be more open & social, because it 'lightens the load' of his social tension.

 

[Intricate Mystic]

If he has not explicitly complained about it, you should probably check with him to see if your assumption is correct. I have noticed that how I perceive reality and how my husband perceives reality are two very different realities. He may perceive your tendency to introvert as you not being happy or having fun. My husband usually is distressed if I am not having fun or seem unhappy.

The only advice I have is, try not to take it personally or place your values on him. For example, I use to be like well if I acted like that it would mean... bad idea. The same goes for him, too.





My husband has appeared, to me, to be 'on' and 'off' over the years. Constant emotional bonding is not his forte :steam:. The same advice applies from the previous paragraph.

Good luck!
BTW, what is NPD?

This is true of my ISTP husband, as well. I can't be little miss mary sunshine all of the time, though.... it just isn't me. I have a dark sense of humor (life's a bitch, and then you die), and can be deep and serious, as well as enthusiastic and looking for the best in people. Maybe my husband just needs to find an ENFP.