[ESTP] Wanna connect with ESTP brother

[2XtremeENFP]

I'm an ENFP and I am 25 and I am trying to connect with my little brother who is an ESTP. He'll be 20 next month.

I can tell that he feels like he doesn't fit in well with our family:
ENTJ dad
ESFJ mom
INTP older brother
and ENFP me

I want to get closer with him and try and talk with him and spend time with him but I can never really get it to happen. He never texts me back anymore and when we both are home he is just playing video games. But he is rarely ever home, he says he stays out of the house because he feels like he doesnt fit in.

Is it typical for an ESTP to feel this way? he seems so sensitive and insecure around us but so confident and arrogant with his friends. I know as a family we tend to make fun of each other and bring up embarrassing things, we just like to tease all the time. Sometimes he will get too embarrassed and leave the room. He says we pick on him too much. But it's all good fun, it's how our whole family works.

I know he can't keep up with the N-type stuff me and my older INTP brother talk about. And the only things I can really talk to him about is movies because we have similar tastes. But I cant ever get 2 hours of time with him to see a movie.

The only person I see him connect with is my ESFJ mother. Perhaps it's when he's in his shadow because he starts to use Fe and he will confide in her sometimes. But when he is being his trueself all the do is argue and scream at each other. But she is the only one that he will truly talk with...

Making plans is difficult because we are both Ps and just over book ourselves so I kinda wanna just let it happen ya know, not force it.

Any suggestions?

 

[Tiger Owl]

Is he on drugs?

Find what he enjoys and meet him there. Invite him out to do something interesting so that the 'at home' dynamic doesn't complicate the dynamic.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

Is he on drugs?

Find what he enjoys and meet him there. Invite him out to do something interesting so that the 'at home' dynamic doesn't complicate the dynamic.

I mean, he probably smokes pot lol but i dont think he does more than that..

yeah, that's a good idea to kinda get out of the house to escape that atmosphere

 

[Poki]

If he is like the STPs I know, find an obstacle course, play catch, play video games, do something that requires physical activity. STPs need to play...period...no if ands or butts. Honestly, I dont believe ESTPs pay enough attention to the type of playing your family does to really be able to play back. Its the inferior Ni I believe.

Grab bikes and find some fun trails with lots of winds and turns and hills. Head to a park and climb all over the top of the equipment. At 31 I would still do this stuff for fun. They arent a "challenge" type, they are a "play" type. Big difference in execution and focus.

 

[FunnyDigestion]

My younger brother is ESTP too. He's 21. You don't connect with those guys-- you shouldn't try to. Anything personal that comes up in a conversation is on the far margins. Why would you even want to connect? A lot of those guys are connected to everything, just not personally.

 

[miss fortune]

I've never had a problem keeping up with "N stuff" in conversation and I grew up surrounded by Ns...

however, if you want to get me to open up or talk do something with me that does not involve eye contact... I'm more likely to talk if I don't have someone staring at me at the time- hiking is good, as are road trips, exploring the city or playing raquetball or cooking something that takes some skill if that gives any ideas

 

[Poki]

I've never had a problem keeping up with "N stuff" in conversation and I grew up surrounded by Ns...

however, if you want to get me to open up or talk do something with me that does not involve eye contact... I'm more likely to talk if I don't have someone staring at me at the time- hiking is good, as are road trips, exploring the city or playing raquetball or cooking something that takes some skill if that gives any ideas

massages do wonders ;-)

+50 on the whole eye contact thing

 

[iwakar]

My younger brother is ESTP too. He's 21. You don't connect with those guys-- you shouldn't try to. Anything personal that comes up in a conversation is on the far margins. Why would you even want to connect? A lot of those guys are connected to everything, just not personally.

Apparently a positive relationship with his brother is important to him.

 

[Lexus]

An ESTP suffering depression or severe stress will come across as insecure and sensitive.

My brother is ENFP. We're best together doing hands on, risk oriented things. I'll also manipulate him into hanging out, then the ball gets rolling when the ice is broken. He's only 18 though, parents don't want him smoking. I suggest him I'll buy him a smoke and we can go bowling. He's sold. I just want to hang out and stimulate the senses, and sure bowling sounds ok. He also makes me laugh, and I make him laugh.

Do hands on stuff, anything, stimulating. Get out of the house. I can't stand my ENFP sister; talk about cooking and how it makes them feel good and this new ..mixer set she got and it's orange. Apparently that is the wind in her sails but I could care less. We went to a club together; we may have no had a deeper connection, but we connected, and can exchange advise.

You will have trouble connecting with an ESTP being an ENFP, it's always seemed natural between me and my siblings, and even my friend. I sense there's this point we reach the "cut off" and there's no understanding anymore. Just how it is.

I know ESTP's generally want to be admired, recognized, validated and are also territorial. Give him his space. Whenever someone presses me for my time and they bore me, it's like a knife to the ribs twisting around. You might aggravate him.

And you could always go out of your way to make him be begging for your time; come across as fast paced, exciting, joy seeking and risk oriented in some aspects.

 

[FunnyDigestion]

Apparently a positive relationship with his brother is important to him.

I was assuming by connect he meant to share personal-feeling stuff. & I don't think many ESTPs care much about that.

 

[iwakar]

I was assuming

Bingo.

 

[Poki]

I was assuming by connect he meant to share personal-feeling stuff. & I don't think many ESTPs care much about that.

The stronger the Se, the more the need to connect in a more fun filled fashion. We are not sappy people, or over joyed, or anything like that. We can fake the expression, some of us arent very good, but I try to because I care. Not because of who I am or to get anything from the person. I know some people need and like that. My fear is screwed up, my emotional expression is screwed up, I have a lot of screwed up issues in that realm. Its not that I avoid them, I just need to be worked with in a different fashion. Thats why "minimal eye contact". When I want to look you in the eyes I will. Has noting to do with lieing or deciet.

I need distraction though, something else to take up a part of my focus. I personally dont get over stimulated by distractions, its almost calming because of the lack of focus on me.

 

[FunnyDigestion]

Bingo.

That's why i asked the question tho, so he could explain what he meant by connect in his response

but i'll post more carefully when I get back to the future