[MBTI General] ISTP - INTP romance... can it work?

[windchill]

I have been dating a guy who is ISTP for 18 months off and on now and it seems as we get closer, more conficts arise. A lot of it is our personal circumstances - I was too busy before and didn't want to bend on some issues and we broke up for a few months. And now, a year later, he is too busy and doesn't seem willing to bend on certain issues and needs "space".

As an INTP, I thought I had it figured out from the beginning that we weren't right for each other because he was too introverted and blue collar for me. Plus, I am a church goer and he is not religious at all. But there was just something about him that I found alluring. He is so competent and capable of solving practical problems on the fly. As a woman, I find a sense of security in his mechanical capabilities in the physical world, and he rescued me so many times that I almost felt like a princess. He persued me with an interest that made me feel special and sexy and because he likes love songs and romantic movies I almost pegged him as an ISFP.

However, lately, as I have given all of myself to the relationship I have been requiring a higher level of intimacy from him and instead the intimacy has diminished. I find myself wondering what more I can do to show that I love him so that he will in turn love me more. By doing this I think I am freaking him out, because I am showing him love how I would like to be shown love. His need for space is making me more clingy which in turn is making him need more space and the cycle continues.

I feel such intense emotions and have so many insights to our relationship right now but he is not interested in discussing anything about the relationship. When I try to talk things through I get emotional and it is a one sided conversation where he is just waiting for me to stop talking. It's always the wrong time to talk. We communicate most through text. In person there is a lot of quiet, but when things are good it's a peaceful and secure quiet as two introverts, but when things are not right it is an uneasy quiet for me.

We get along mostly because I do what he is interested in like dirtbiking and tennis. He comes to church with me but really would prefer not to go.

I feel like all of a sudden he just shuts me out and turns to his other activities and pretends that I don't exist and if I'm around I'm in the way and when I say that he is being insensitive and wonder if he still loves me, he wonders where I get such an idea and that nothing is wrong. He just expects me to be ok with being ignored without a moments notice and with no notification of when I might expect him back. A simple "goodnight, I'll be doing this for a while." can go a long way.

I feel like I have compromized so much in this relationship to meet his needs but mine are not getting met and I can't seem to get him to realize that this is important, and that I'm not requiring all of his time, just some at key times.

I know that my perfect match is ENTJ and I can feel the strain of both of us being IP's because we have the same weaknesses... and we have a hard time communicating since he is an S and I am an N. He doesn't see the significance of type theory which sucks too. I'm hoping we can make this work because I do love him, and I know he loves me, even though he's going through a personal funk right now.

I've never been in this position before where I've loved somebody possibly more than they love me... and I'm in my 30's... it's scary!!!

 

[A window to the soul]

I see that you're new. Welcome.

What you're going through is painful to hear. I'm sorry things are so rough. What you described is not how loving relationships work. Why settle for that? Sometimes we have to love someone enough to let them go.

ENTJ would be a very good match, but with any type, there are people out there with emotional baggage. I pray God will give you peace and direction about this.

 

[LEGERdeMAIN]

yes, istp and intp can work out, just like any two types. it's more about sharing common values, interests, etc. Considering how malleable personalities can be, type may not play a major role in how well two people get along or how affectionate they are with each other. I've dated people who were very different from me and I had great relationships with some of them, not because they were a certain type, but because an attraction was identified, a connection made and a healthy relationship formed.

But more specifically:

Any time your intimacy increases, your conflicts will also increase. It looks like you're doing what a lot of people do in their first relationships: You've already created a model of what a perfect relationship would be and now you're trying to impose that model on your reality, which apparently is pushing him away. I really think you should consider the approach you're taking. If I were in your position I would lay off and "starve the beast", so to speak. Give him space and let him figure out what his priorities are and if they don't work with your priorities, it might be a good idea to move on.

 

[Mephistopheles]

ENTJ perfect match for INTPs? I just know that I personally can't relate at all to that. For me personally I know that I have a strong dislike for most EJs. They're lack of Ji is often disturbing.

 

[gromit]

I'm sorry to hear about this tough situation, windchill. It is really tough to have different values from your partner regarding religion. But I think it can work, if both people are considerate and are willing to take the other person's needs/values into account. However...

I feel like I have compromized so much in this relationship to meet his needs but mine are not getting met and I can't seem to get him to realize that this is important, and that I'm not requiring all of his time, just some at key times.

...this is a red flag to me. That is not how a relationship should feel.

 

[A window to the soul]

yes, istp and intp can work out, just like any two types. it's more about sharing common values, interests, etc. Considering how malleable personalities can be, type may not play a major role in how well two people get along or how affectionate they are with each other. I've dated people who were very different from me and I had great relationships with some of them, not because they were a certain type, but because an attraction was identified, a connection made and a healthy relationship formed.

But more specifically:

Any time your intimacy increases, your conflicts will also increase. It looks like you're doing what a lot of people do in their first relationships: You've already created a model of what a perfect relationship would be and now you're trying to impose that model on your reality, which apparently is pushing him away. I really think you should consider the approach you're taking. If I were in your position I would lay off and "starve the beast", so to speak. Give him space and let him figure out what his priorities are and if they don't work with your priorities, it might be a good idea to move on.

I sincerely mean it when I say that you're one of the most awesome ISTP's I've had the pleasure of making an acquaintance with online. Not only are you crazy fun (not easily offended), but this post shows a lot of maturity and insight into sensitive relationship matters.

Good post!!

 

[windchill]

lol... it looks like this one INTP likes this ISTP I agree though, it was a very good response thank you for your insight - I agree with that too

 

[A window to the soul]

I'm crazy about him.

 

[windchill]

Wow... Through all of my reading in the past few days I am discovering that I am actually a J and therefore INTJ instead of INTP... I was always so sure that I was a P with obsessive qualities lol, and that the J in me was as a result of craving my opposite.

This is so enlightening - also to read about my perfect match being ENFP, wow! I have always clicked with this type because of how fun and creative they are and so committed to helping people in a highly engaged way. I have an ENTJ friend (previously believed perfect match) and we got on great but she would get annoyed by my intensity at times whereas ENFP's totally get me and bring me out of my shell and humorously poke fun at my idiosyncroties.

I wish I would have joined this forum a long time ago!

 

[Randomnity]

I know that my perfect match is ENTJ and I can feel the strain of both of us being IP's because we have the same weaknesses... and we have a hard time communicating since he is an S and I am an N.

Are you sure the "hard time communicating" is because of S/N or because one or (more likely) both of you just plain suck at communicating?

All this "perfect match" stuff is bull****. All the "impossible match" stuff is also bull****. There may be a type you tend to gravitate towards but it's not going to be defined by the type you are, that's a stupid theory. I guarantee you won't like every ENTJ that you meet let alone have them be suitable for a relationship. I also guarantee that there are non-ENTJ types (for example) will be just as compatible with you. Even among the people who believe that there's a perfect match, nobody agrees on what exactly this "perfect match" is! I've seen my suggested "perfect matches" for istp be ENFP, ENFJ, ESFJ, ISTJ, ISFJ, maybe others too, depending on the theory. Do you really want to put faith in something like that? For a personality theory (mbti or socionics) that is fundamentally nonscientific to start off with?

I see a very unhealthy-looking relationship here, from what you describe. The thing that jumps out to me the most is that it seems like he has no idea what's going on. You aren't communicating your unhappiness until you're mad, and then it's you telling him "you're insensitive and you don't love me!!!!!111" while emotional which is not exactly a good way to communicate with any IxTP, particularly a male one. To put it very mildly.

Try things like "I like it when you tell me where you're going so I don't worry" and very importantly, keep it as unemotional as humanely possible. Send it by email if you have to (but be careful of being too rude/long, it's easy to do by email). Mention one thing at a time when it comes up, not a huge list of "things you do wrong".

I can elaborate more, if you like. My own relationship (w/ isfp who behaves kinda like istp) has some similar trends to what you describe, although not quite as extreme as it sounds here.

edit: and for the love of god, try to be less clingy if you actually want to keep this relationship. It won't last long with that kind of thing.

 

[rhinosaur]

I married an INTP.