[ISTP] Married to an ISTP and need help!

[FrisbeeLad]

This is great, Frisbee, thanks. My ISTP is a fantastic frisbee player, BTW - very athletic in all areas (no surprise, huh?).

So am I...my wife loves watching me play (we play on a competitive coed team together), but alas age has been setting in over the last three years (37) and I'm not as athletic as I once was. And no, that doesn't surprise me that he's very athletic. Is he also good at most things he puts his mind to? Does he win often at most games he plays (board games and the like)?

I have purposely stopped asking him any questions related to "feeling" and only directed at "thinking". It has worked much better!

Yeah...it's tough for us to talk about that. However, the more practice we get the better off we are, so I wouldn't completely cut that type of conversation out with him. Plus...you'll NEED that from your partner (at least from time to time) being an ENFP.

I'm into a lot of metaphysical stuff but do not talk too much about it because he's not. When I do talk about something (like my new job, for example), I can blab for quite awhile but he lets me talk and participates, as well. There are just as many times that he blabs, though, about some project he's working on, for example.

Interestingly, ISTP's can be a bit unconventional in how they approach life, so I could see him enjoying metaphysical stuff, but only in broad-brush strokes. Yeah...the details are very very overrated. The big picture is more interesting generally. My mom and my aunt can, at times, talk in incessant detail and I just pretty much tune them out. My mom I can at least ask her to get on with the story and not be offended, but my aunt. Blah blah blah blah blah. I usually turn talking with her into a game of how I can "steer" her conversations around by asking her unrelated questions about stuff once she gets on a "detailed" roll. Eventually I try to bring her back full-circle to where we once started, but often I try to get someone else involved in the conversation so I can eventually walk away and not feel too bad.

As for the out-of-mind part, that's also been my experience but more as you've described. If we talk more often, things are closer. If not, distance sets in.

Sounds like you almost need to jot down some interesting/funny bullet points about your day, but not too detailed stuff and call him then (when you've got "something" to say). I don't mean that critically or with any ill-will. Just...when you've got more big picture neat, interesting or important stuff to talk about over the phone, until you get to see him again in person.

BTW...I don't know if this applies to all ISTP's, BUT I personally HATE talking on the phone for an extended period of time especially if it's day in day out with the same person...like my mom who calls very very often. It's actually really annoying to me...kinda seems needy which is not what I want to deal with. Hope that may help too.

Does your man play competitive Ultimate with a team back there? If so, men's or coed? I used to play men's here but I'm too old to keep up with the youngsters anymore so...now coed. But...no matter my age...it still feels great to "layout for the disc", especially if it's a defensive block.

Cheers,
FrisbeeLad

 

[CestMoi]

Is he also good at most things he puts his mind to? Does he win often at most games he plays (board games and the like)?

Yes, he is good at most things he puts his mind to, actually! He's also an artist and a very good one but has been working on our house teaching himself about plumbing and other things - successfully, too.

Yeah...it's tough for us to talk about that. However, the more practice we get the better off we are, so I wouldn't completely cut that type of conversation out with him. Plus...you'll NEED that from your partner (at least from time to time) being an ENFP.

It's working out rather well now. We are communicating much more and I'm taking the hints when it's too much for him. It allows him to feel comfortable and he even called me out of the blue to tell me he loved me yesterday.

Interestingly, ISTP's can be a bit unconventional in how they approach life, so I could see him enjoying metaphysical stuff, but only in broad-brush strokes. Yeah...the details are very very overrated. The big picture is more interesting generally. My mom and my aunt can, at times, talk in incessant detail and I just pretty much tune them out. My mom I can at least ask her to get on with the story and not be offended, but my aunt. Blah blah blah blah blah.

This is a tricky one because there are only a few things that I get excited about - well, whatever "trip" I'm on at any given time, LOL. I have to make sure to listen as well as talk so I catch the hint when it's too much. Already, though, I've gathered that he's mildly interested in my metaphysical pursuits but not so much that he wants to know everything. I keep it light.

Sounds like you almost need to jot down some interesting/funny bullet points about your day, but not too detailed stuff and call him then (when you've got "something" to say). I don't mean that critically or with any ill-will. Just...when you've got more big picture neat, interesting or important stuff to talk about over the phone, until you get to see him again in person.

This is actually a very good, constructive suggestion! Thanks for that and I'll add it to my repertoire.

BTW...I don't know if this applies to all ISTP's, BUT I personally HATE talking on the phone for an extended period of time especially if it's day in day out with the same person...like my mom who calls very very often. It's actually really annoying to me...kinda seems needy which is not what I want to deal with. Hope that may help too.

Well, we're both on the same page there. I normally hate speaking by phone, as well, unless there's subject matter of interest. Otherwise, blabbing about nothing is VERY annoying to both him and me. This does help, though!

Does your man play competitive Ultimate with a team back there? If so, men's or coed? I used to play men's here but I'm too old to keep up with the youngsters anymore so...now coed. But...no matter my age...it still feels great to "layout for the disc", especially if it's a defensive block.

He used to play on a men's team and now, only picks one up when the weather's nice and he just can't help himself. He is still very competitive and in good shape so he gives the youngsters a run for their money. Last time, they totally could not keep up because he knows all those crazy maneuvers you guys do. Pretty funny and he just turned 42.

 

[FrisbeeLad]

It's working out rather well now. We are communicating much more and I'm taking the hints when it's too much for him. It allows him to feel comfortable and he even called me out of the blue to tell me he loved me yesterday.

Yay!!! My wife (INFJ) and her sister (ENFP) both liked hearing that story too. I was thinking of another thing that may help. There's a book that talks about the five love languages that my wife and I read together 4 years or so ago, while we were still dating. I think they were:

gift giving
words of affection
physical touch
acts of service &
quality time

and each person has one of these as a primary means of "knowing" that they're loved when a loved one gives them what they crave. Additionally, people typically have a secondary language as well. You and your husband might learn about each other's love languages and then PRACTICE giving to each other what the other wants. A lot of times people will give to another what they desire themselves, but not always...sometimes people give to others what their parents "modeled"/gave to them (learned behavior). Either way, people don't always give or "communicate" to their other in the way that the other perceives as love.

Interesting my wife and her sister (both NF's) really melt easily when they receive words of affection. I wonder if somehow MBTI plays a role in people's love languages. My primary is physical touch, which might make sense for an SP, but I'm only a sample size of one so who knows. So...I've practiced telling my wife I love her and sending verbal hints of affection. It wasn't easy at first, but she melts so easily with it that it's pretty simple now. She's had to learn to touch me more and I hint to her when I'd like more. Seems to work out well.

My wife's secondary love language is physical touch and mine is acts of service. I think with my secondary I tend to do things for her A LOT, but yet I'm the one who craves it more. Doesn't seem to bother her though as she then doesn't have to worry nearly as much about the dishes being done or the laundry washed. Those are mainly mine. She gets to clean the bathroom, except the bathtub. That's mine too. Now I'm just rambling. Sorry.

But...you might check that book out. I think there's a Web page too, but it's been so long I don't recall that well.

Cheers!!

 

[istpunk]

Watch the interaction between an ISTP between a pet cat/dog whenever you get the chance.

Besides, what's not to love about ENFPs:

YouTube - LazyTown Dance Moves

I'm curious. What is the general dynamic between an ISTP and an ENFP? I ask because my twin is an ENFP and she always got along well with the ISTPs circulating around me, but then again, ENFPs are easy to get along with and very friendly.

 

[istpunk]

Yeah same here. Sometimes I turn off all of my phones for a couple days after dealing with some social emotional stuff. However, I do respond to emails like once or twice a day.

BTW...I don't know if this applies to all ISTP's, BUT I personally HATE talking on the phone for an extended period of time especially if it's day in day out with the same person...like my mom who calls very very often. It's actually really annoying to me...kinda seems needy which is not what I want to deal with. Hope that may help too.

Cheers,
FrisbeeLad

 

[mcmartinez84]

Talking on the phone for a long time is hard for me too. Talking about feelings is the worst thing in the world. I need loads of time to sort through feelings and see how I feel about something/someone. And then I need time to work up the energy to talk about them. (For math-haters, it's like forcing you to work thousands of problems without understanding any of it.)

Long distance is rough. I'm a bit out-of-sight-out-of-mind, although I would never cheat. I think that if I got to how I think he might be...it would be if I decided I was unhappy with the relationship and thought that there might be a better option (either being single or there might be someone nearby).

Definitely keep asking questions about feelings. I never divulge that information if someone doesn't ask. But just don't ask very often... If it's too often, I never want to say anything, and even if I did, it would just get annoying and I wouldn't talk because I'm stubborn.

As long as you can talk about *things* and not personal touchy-feely stuff, then the conversations can keep going and that's an uplifter, imo. Sometimes if I can't carry a "things" conversation with someone, I don't feel like I can talk about more personal stuff like feelings. I realize you've been close for a long time, but it's just hard to talk about feelings. They're so unreliable and they never make sense