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[ISTP] istp-expressing want

Rachelinpa

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2008
Messages
878
MBTI Type
ENFP
i've noticed my istp rarely expresses want. it goes along with his indecisiveness. at the same time, however, he think it's fine to put the responsibility on me:

"whatever YOU want"

he says to me often.

but sometimes it just comes down to him having to decide. i asked him if he WANTED to come to a hockey game with me... and after much dialogue... he finally says.. "i'll go. i should be done work earlier today."

i don't expect super flowery language from him, but i do take note that his "i'll go" is not the same as "i want to go." it's the same as his earlier "yeah, i can come."

it's not IF YOU CAN. i'm not asking IF YOU CAN. i'm asking IF YOU WANT TO!!

hahaha.

what is this?
 

Trentham

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Joined
Jan 14, 2010
Messages
304
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
It's likely that he simply prefers to be flexible and not impose his will upon you. What is often interpreted by others as indecisiveness from IXTPs is actually a combination of a naturally adaptable mindset being equally satisfied with any number of outcomes, along with inferior Fe seeking interpersonal harmony.
 

Rebe

New member
Joined
Nov 15, 2009
Messages
1,431
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INFP
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4sop
istp and i was constantly

what do you want?
what do you want?
i asked you first.
whatever you want.
but...only if you want.
do you want to?
but...but WHAT DO YOU WANT

:angry:
 

Rachelinpa

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2008
Messages
878
MBTI Type
ENFP
istp and i was constantly

what do you want?
what do you want?
i asked you first.
whatever you want.
but...only if you want.
do you want to?
but...but WHAT DO YOU WANT

:angry:

horrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm the same way! i don't want to "impose my will" on him either, but... i wouldn't have asked him to come if i didn't WANT him there... i don't want him to come if he's only coming to appease me! blaaaaah.
 

Trentham

New member
Joined
Jan 14, 2010
Messages
304
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
istp and i was constantly

what do you want?
what do you want?
i asked you first.
whatever you want.
but...only if you want.
do you want to?
but...but WHAT DO YOU WANT

:angry:
I was married to an ISTP for 7 years and it would sometimes take us the better part of an afternoon to decide which fast food restaurant to pick up dinner from. :shock:
 

Randomnity

insert random title here
Joined
May 8, 2007
Messages
9,485
MBTI Type
ISTP
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6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
My isfp (isxp, maybe) and I are always like:

Me: want to do X?
him: nah not really
me: well what do you want to do? (eat/etc)
him: I dunno
me: how about X? (go to step 1; repeat until one of us gets bored/frustrated and stops)

A lot of the problem is he is pretty fixed on certain types of food (like burgers) and doesn't like most others - like almost all asian food (how is that possible?!!). But he knows I don't like eating out at burger places so he doesn't want to suggest them. My solution is to stay patient, toss a bunch of ideas out until one sticks...sometimes even burgers.

I don't have a problem expressing my wants though, if they're strong enough. If it's something I want to go to, I'd say something like "sounds good!" vs. if I didn't want to go but partner clearly wanted me to, I'd be like " ok, we can go". But that's just me. Some people just don't get obviously excited about things.
 

ChocolateMoose123

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Messages
5,278
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sx/sp
It's likely that he simply prefers to be flexible and not impose his will upon you. What is often interpreted by others as indecisiveness from IXTPs is actually a combination of a naturally adaptable mindset being equally satisfied with any number of outcomes, along with inferior Fe seeking interpersonal harmony.

This is accurate.

Rachelinpa,

I don't know about your SO but I know I'm pretty selfish with my time. Even when in a relationship. When someone asks me if I want to go somewhere I say "I can go" because in my head I'm asking myself, "Do I have the energy for this?" "Can I go the rest of the night being around noisy fans?" "Am I going to enjoy this?" So when we answer those questions in the affirmative it comes out as "I can go" because that's how we are internally judging your question - "Can I or can't I?" It's our default. We don't want to say we can do something and then realize it's too much. That sucks for everyone. So we are answering that question for ourselves but also for you - if we care about you.

It isn't a question of want. We know "want" right out of the gate. We don't need to think about it. When I say "I want" it's reserved for something I really enjoy but don't get to do as much as I'd like to. For instance, dirtbike riding, trivia contests, sex, whatever. You get the picture.

Don't take that to mean that we don't or can't enjoy the "I can" things. It's just the "I want" things don't require us to expend energy outside our comfort zone. That's all the distinction is.
 

Colors

The Destroyer
Joined
Apr 24, 2007
Messages
1,276
MBTI Type
ISTP
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5w4
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
This happens all the time when I'm in a group of introverts, it seems, Rachelinpa. Especially Ps. Restaurants! Best to just have one person throw out ideas, and the others have the option to veto. Sometimes strategic pauses work well too. Discussing just overwhelms with options.

But yeah, I don't know your ISTP, Rachelinpa. But for myself, the pause is all about actually making a decision. I could discuss possibilities forever!
 

Giggly

No moss growing on me
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Jun 12, 2008
Messages
9,661
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2
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sx/so
Is this a P thing?
 

sLiPpY

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Oct 14, 2009
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Speak to me in a language I can hear...

Well, sometimes I have trouble intepreting ISTP. But only if I don't "think" to understand the other person is an ISTP too.

i.e. My longest and goodest ISTP friend. I hear a concert advertisement on the radio and wish my friend could go. Band of mutual significance. We're ten years older now, one dating, one with kids and a couple hundred miles between us.

So I'm talking with my friend and tell him about the band coming. He ask if they're coming to the city where he lives, and if that's the one I'm planning on seeing?

That right there instantly told me the dude wanted to go. Took a couple of days to get the wife/girlfriend hall passes. But in-between I heard "I really, really want to go." Which is an incredibly rare statement for an ISTP to make.

I never asked him directly. Just told him if he showed up, there was a ticket waiting for him. uh, went to see Sublime with Rome, standing in for Brad. :solidarity:

hmm...teenaged nephew's also an ISTP. Annoys the crap out of me he won't make a decision when picking out places to eat. So we'll start driving having agreed it's time to eat. I'll offer up infinate possibilities. Try to narrow it down to a type of food... still get "doesn't matter, wherever you drive."

An ISTP will tell you exactly, if you listen for tone and inflection. Even if it hasn't yet specifically occurred to them in a committed way. :yes:

In summary, choosing to go see Sublime was easy. That was a once in a life time and tenured opportunity. Unlike the choice of where to eat. Where to eat or where to go? Is similar to standing in the shampoo isle at Target. Holy crap thousands of bottles and hundreds of brands! It's confusing for a sensor perceiver!

You'll probably get a blank stare or observe the ISTP picking up bottles and reading lables...unless they've already got a favorite one. They're tried and true sure of.

Like I automatically know which weeks my nephew wants the tried and true. No matter what he says. Other weeks, it's a toss at the dart board.
 

Randomnity

insert random title here
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Messages
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6w5
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sp/sx
You'll probably get a blank stare or observe the ISTP picking up bottles and reading lables...unless they've already got a favorite one. They're tried and true sure of.
Hahaha yeah...it's so hard to choose initially. What factors do you base it on, and how can you even guess what that brand actually has in favour of it other than advertising? Does the label tell anything valuable? I tend to alternate between staring into space and reading labels.

I'm a terrible person to shop with; even the most patient person is going crazy. :)
 

DoctorYikes

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Oct 28, 2010
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31
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ISTP
I'm pretty bad about this, too. I'll say things like, "Yeah, we could do that."

And that's pretty strong committed language for me. *heh* I suppose I use the word 'Should' waaaaaay more often than is comfortable for most people. "I should be able to." "I should be here." "I should be back by then." Even if I'm completely convinced that something wi... No, I'm lying. I don't think I'm every completely convinced of anything. Even if I'm 99.9999% certain of an outcome, there's still that pesky outlier that could make a liar out of me if I commit.
 
W

WALMART

Guest
i lol'd. ninety five percent of the time i don't give a fuck between option a or option b.


i have grown into the habit of picking one after being asked twice of my opinion on the subject, just for the sake of ending the perpetual loop of indecision.
 

Folderol

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May 16, 2008
Messages
83
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INTP
This is why they have coin tosses and multi sided dice.

Alternatively, if you still can't decide, you could apply extra restrictions to help make a choice easier: what takes the shortest time? what costs less? what is more annoying? what is new/familiar? If you truly do not care about option A or option B then applying a random rule shouldn't be hard since you should not care about what decides the end result either.
 

chickpea

perfect person
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Sep 12, 2009
Messages
5,729
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istp and i was constantly

what do you want?
what do you want?
i asked you first.
whatever you want.
but...only if you want.
do you want to?
but...but WHAT DO YOU WANT

:angry:

hahaha this happens all the time to me too. I'm probably worse than him though.

and then when he actually has something he wants me to do with him, he doesn't let me know til 5 minutes before he's going to leave the house.
 

lauranna

Member
Joined
Sep 23, 2008
Messages
764
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9w8
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sx/sp
i've noticed my istp rarely expresses want. it goes along with his indecisiveness. at the same time, however, he think it's fine to put the responsibility on me:

"whatever YOU want"

he says to me often.

but sometimes it just comes down to him having to decide. i asked him if he WANTED to come to a hockey game with me... and after much dialogue... he finally says.. "i'll go. i should be done work earlier today."

i don't expect super flowery language from him, but i do take note that his "i'll go" is not the same as "i want to go." it's the same as his earlier "yeah, i can come."

it's not IF YOU CAN. i'm not asking IF YOU CAN. i'm asking IF YOU WANT TO!!

hahaha.

what is this?

An ISTP might not SAY what they want but they will certainly DO whatever they want. If they appear indecisive, its because they actually don't care either way. If they strongly do or do not want to do something they will definitely let you know about it.
 

roastingmallows

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Joined
Dec 11, 2012
Messages
81
MBTI Type
ENFP
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7w6
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
This is accurate.

Rachelinpa,

I don't know about your SO but I know I'm pretty selfish with my time. Even when in a relationship. When someone asks me if I want to go somewhere I say "I can go" because in my head I'm asking myself, "Do I have the energy for this?" "Can I go the rest of the night being around noisy fans?" "Am I going to enjoy this?" So when we answer those questions in the affirmative it comes out as "I can go" because that's how we are internally judging your question - "Can I or can't I?" It's our default. We don't want to say we can do something and then realize it's too much. That sucks for everyone. So we are answering that question for ourselves but also for you - if we care about you.

It isn't a question of want. We know "want" right out of the gate. We don't need to think about it. When I say "I want" it's reserved for something I really enjoy but don't get to do as much as I'd like to. For instance, dirtbike riding, trivia contests, sex, whatever. You get the picture.

Don't take that to mean that we don't or can't enjoy the "I can" things. It's just the "I want" things don't require us to expend energy outside our comfort zone. That's all the distinction is.

Sounds like my dad. He is very selfish with his time. He has a lot of better stuff he could be doing, or at least that's the way he sees it. He hates to commit to something he's not entirely sure he wants to do. He also doesn't really like to say no (though he will, but if you give him a logical argument, he feels he has no choice but to agree despite knowing he doesn't want to), so I've heard him sigh and say "fine..." (or "probably" or "we'll see) a million times and then make up an excuse later.

Even when he actually WANTS to do something (I think) he rarely responds with much enthusiasm.
 
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