[ISTP] ISTPs and validating others' feelings

[foolish heart]

I'll admit it, I'm really terrible at this. I'm so terrible at it that i dont even really know what "this" is, except maybe to explain it as the habit of expressing the type of affections that make someone feel loved. I always seem to forget that this is something a lot of people need whether or not I relate to that need much. My needs tend to be more physical... food, adequately comfortable clothing, sleep/shelter, etc. and I'm good. I think I tend to project these same needs onto other people and assume as long as they have their practical needs met (with additions like feeling comfortably safe and cared for) that they are happy. I feel like I'm on a completely different wavelength where it doesn't occur to me to do this. Just to clarify, it's not actually liking or loving someone, but the active expression of it so that they feel it (seems to be different for everyone). I guess you could call it Fe.

Anyone else experience this?

 

[KDude]

Hmm, yeah I think ISTPs probably focus on sensory a bit to get others comfortable, and pay less mind to the emotional aspects. That doesn't sound selfish to me exactly though..

Anyways, I'm fairly sure I don't know what it's like to be ISTP, and I doubt encouraging you to actually get emotional would be a good thing.. If your "Fe" is your inferior, in the same way my Te is, then I know it probably doesn't come out well all the time. You have Ti though, so maybe you can.. bring up these things on an intellectual level in a way (if you saw it was necessary with someone)?

 

[foolish heart]

You have Ti though, so maybe you can.. bring up these things on an intellectual level in a way (if you saw it was necessary with someone)?

I do try that, but it ends up being an explanation which is still MY preference for understanding people, not theirs. The expression itself meets their needs a lot better, I've learned. My dilemma is... even if I were tuned into that I don't think it would be nearly enough to remain sincere, and I don't want to mislead someone. However this is just how their needs are and these people are too important to me to ignore them.

 

[Heinel]

I do try that, but it ends up being an explanation which is still MY preference for understanding people, not theirs. The expression itself meets their needs a lot better, I've learned. My dilemma is... even if I were tuned into that I don't think it would be nearly enough to remain sincere, and I don't want to mislead someone. However this is just how their needs are and these people are too important to me to ignore them.

If they are too important for you to ignore then you should let them know you. I'm sure they will help you find a happy compromise.

 

[jixmixfix]

The annoying thing about being an ISTP is actually verbalizing to someone that you aren't comfortable sharing your feelings with them. That causes epic fail.

 

[KDude]

annoying

It is for me too sometimes.. but uh, probably for different reasons. I don't know how people are going to judge my perspective (actually, I often do know, so I don't feel like getting into it).

 

[Heinel]

Yeah, it is easier done than said.

For me I sometimes give people stuff I made. You'll have to find out what works for you.

And then there is this, I'm not sure if it works for everyone but whatever you ended up doing, you can try making it a game of some sort. Say your target is an ISTJ, then your objective would be to out-do the ISTJ's expectation. ENFP? Play mysterious, silence is yes and no together at once >=)

I find people less intimidating when I think this way.

 

[BlackCat]

One thing that I've learned about ISTPs, even before knowing about MBTI or anything, is to never lay a bunch of emotional crap on them. I really just got that feeling from them and it turned out to be true. The only time I've been able to express my feelings to them without them feeling awkward was when I was brief, not expecting anything out of them and it was obvious that I was feeling kinda crappy at that moment.

 

[gromit]

Have you looked into that five love languages stuff at all? It's probably at least a good place to start. Every individual just gives and receives love differently, though there are probably some general categories. I have not read the book(s) directly but I've talked with people who really like the framework presented in it. I suspect there could be some good suggestions in there...

 

[mcmartinez84]

gromit has a point.

And I'm with the other ISTPs here. I'm terrible at being emotionally understanding. I invalidate feelings all of the time. I guess I just compartmentalize better or find some form of reasoning for something and then it's all good. It comes off as me being an insensitive jerk, but as far as I'm concerned, the problem is solved....but they're all "wah, wah, my problems, wah, wah" and I never understand why D:

 

[Rainne]

gromit has a point.

And I'm with the other ISTPs here. I'm terrible at being emotionally understanding. I invalidate feelings all of the time. I guess I just compartmentalize better or find some form of reasoning for something and then it's all good. It comes off as me being an insensitive jerk, but as far as I'm concerned, the problem is solved....but they're all "wah, wah, my problems, wah, wah" and I never understand why D:

friend "wah, wah, my problem"
me; "why don't you try X"
friend: "wah, wah"

 

[Willfrey]

Amen to saying just the wrong things. I'm the worst type of comforter, I ask the who-why-where-when-whats of the situation, sit back, and try to 'solve' her bad mood.. sometimes with comical results. "It's sad your dog died, you should get another one, and probably a smaller dog because they tend to live a lot longer than big ones. Oh and shorthair, gray/brown in color. I hated those long white hairs all over your furniture"

 

[seamaid]

Yup yup. My ISTP says absolutely the last thing I want to hear when we're hiking or doing something strenuous and I whine about when we'll be done. Instead of "validating my feelings", ie. empathizing with my discomfort, he says with a big smile:

"oh... this is nothing." or

"well, if you hike twice as fast, we'll get there in half the time!"

Ugh! =)

 

[jixmixfix]

I think ESTP's might have a similar kind of problem too. Whenever I'm in doubt about girls though I would think what would an ESTP do?.

 

[jixmixfix]

Yup yup. My ISTP says absolutely the last thing I want to hear when we're hiking or doing something strenuous and I whine about when we'll be done. Instead of "validating my feelings", ie. empathizing with my discomfort, he says with a big smile:

"oh... this is nothing." or

"well, if you hike twice as fast, we'll get there in half the time!"

Ugh! =)

hahaha i'm very like that...like if your legs are sore or something i'll be like "oh you get used to it once you get going" I would never be like "ohh poor thing".

 

[gromit]

Oh! Lightsun posted a thread about those love languages.

 

[mcmartinez84]

friend "wah, wah, my problem"
me; "why don't you try X"
friend: "wah, wah"

Hahahahaha Pretty much!!!

 

[toast]

And then there is this, I'm not sure if it works for everyone but whatever you ended up doing, you can try making it a game of some sort. Say your target is an ISTJ, then your objective would be to out-do the ISTJ's expectation. ENFP? Play mysterious, silence is yes and no together at once >=)

I find people less intimidating when I think this way.

What would you try for enfj's?

 

[Kasper]

I love this about ISTPs! Don't change, please!!

You're blunt, to the point, don't mess around with soppiness but generally have good humour about it. The people who hang around you will appreciate you for you. Find the line between bluntness and cutting humour, be aware that the latter can be hurtful and back off with it.

Anyways, I'm fairly sure I don't know what it's like to be ISTP, and I doubt encouraging you to actually get emotional would be a good thing.. If

Indeed. An emotional ISTP is often an ISTP in crisis.

 

[StephMC]

but they're all "wah, wah, my problems, wah, wah" and I never understand why D:

friend "wah, wah, my problem"
me; "why don't you try X"
friend: "wah, wah"

Hehehehehe....

Yes, that's pretty much what I hear in my mind. I think I've gotten slightly better at going into robot sensitive ISTP mode when I know it's a bad time to be blunt/humorous:

Friend: "Wah, wah, wah and my feelings are hurt!"
Me: (Struggling to stay tuned in when there's words like "hurt", "upset", "feelings", etc.) "Oh, I'm sorry [Friend]! That sounds awful! I totally know how you feel." (Zones out)

Indeed. An emotional ISTP is often an ISTP in crisis.

You're tellin me... If you see an emotional ISTP, their world is falling down all around them