[ESFP] Trying to get along with ESFP ex wife?

[Colors]

I admire your restraint, whynot, but clearly the ignoring method isn't working (you've been dating for "years", correct?). Clearly she's afraid of direct confrontation with you, outside of her terms (her insidious methods of backdoor manipulation and gossip).

Both by being annoyed and ignoring OR by becoming angry, you'd be playing her game, allowing yourself to be her construct (the "new girlfriend", the "competition", the "bitch", etc). So I say instead, be a human being. Surely you'd demand certain baseline respectful actions from anyone you come into contact with on a semi-regular basis (and likewise treat those other human beings with a certain code, hopefully one that doesn't involve ignoring their existence).

I'm not saying you can completely reset the relationship. After all, we can only control our own actions. But you can defend your self-respect.

 

[Riva]

You want a quick solution?

Poision her....

 

[whynot]

I admire your restraint, whynot, but clearly the ignoring method isn't working (you've been dating for "years", correct?). Clearly she's afraid of direct confrontation with you, outside of her terms (her insidious methods of backdoor manipulation and gossip).

Both by being annoyed and ignoring OR by becoming angry, you'd be playing her game, allowing yourself to be her construct (the "new girlfriend", the "competition", the "bitch", etc). So I say instead, be a human being. Surely you'd demand certain baseline respectful actions from anyone you come into contact with on a semi-regular basis (and likewise treat those other human beings with a certain code, hopefully one that doesn't involve ignoring their existence).

I'm not saying you can completely reset the relationship. After all, we can only control our own actions. But you can defend your self-respect.

You know, it's funny that you say that b/c I've been trying this method. Maybe I just assumed the "human being" approach was me ignoring her? I don't know... Anyway, about a month ago, I knew she was going to be around so instead of pretending she wasn't there, I asked her about her job and a few other things. Not too much conversation, but enough to let her know I acknowledged her. She was caught off guard and responded with short answers, but wouldn't look me in the eye. I was prepared to treat her the same way when I saw her while picking up the dogs recently, but that's when she cried and went the other direction. What a drama queen.... :rolli:

This approach is more my style, so I'm not going to confront her ...at least until I figure out if this works or not. If nothing else, it seems more interesting to me. I'd like to be surprised by her one of these days with a relaxed, normal response. But, yes, we've been dating for 3 years and she's still acting like this... we'll see.

 

[sLiPpY]

Well, seems like you're dealing with an individual who has the mental and emotional capacity of a five year old. Essentially the brain of a hamster.

You already know where all the buttons are. I'd just push them for fun.

 

[whynot]

Well, seems like you're dealing with an individual who has the mental and emotional capacity of a five year old. Essentially the brain of a hamster.

You already know where all the buttons are. I'd just push them for fun.

That's the thing... I have no clue what's going on in her head. I wish I did b/c then I'd have SOMETHING to work with. Instead I'm dealing with a bf's ex who has been dating a guy for years but cries constantly when my bf is around, still tries to be visible in his life, gossips about us like crazy but won't look me in the eye when i talk to her, and can't treat me like a normal person.

Everything she does is contradictory!

Nope, still can't relate.

 

[Colors]

See, but you don't have to! You're not her therapist.

 

[whynot]

Come to think of it, there are quite a few people in my life that have the mental and emotional capacity of a 5 year old... I guess it's just frustrating b/c I'm always trying to see things from their perspective and it's impossible sometimes.

 

[King sns]

See, but you don't have to! You're not her therapist.

I agree. You are taking this person way too seriously.
(I know, easily said from an outsider perspective)

 

[whynot]

See, but you don't have to! You're not her therapist.

Good point.

 

[sLiPpY]

Come to think of it, there are quite a few people in my life that have the mental and emotional capacity of a 5 year old... I guess it's just frustrating b/c I'm always trying to see things from their perspective and it's impossible sometimes.

That's exactly right. It's not possible to relate or understand them on an adult level. They're children. Actually they're brats.

If I hurt their feelings I wouldn't worry about it. They don't have the capacity to consider others...why should they be considered?

 

[whynot]

That's exactly right. It's not possible to relate or understand them on an adult level. They're children. Actually they're brats.

If I hurt their feelings I wouldn't worry about it. They don't have the capacity to consider others...why should they be considered?

Gah! A light bulb just went off in my head. Thank you for that.

 

[Colors]

Well, they should be considered. Because your arenas of space overlap. But there's a difference between concrete consideration and internal (I really empathize and totally know how this person feels so he/she should feel the same way about me too*) consideration.

*I mean, I get it. I totally want to know how people tick, especially when I'm in a vulnerable situation because I feel like it gives me power to file the person under A, B, and C category. But no amount of mental gymnastics will change how I *should* act in that situation.

 

[sLiPpY]

Well, they should be considered. Because your arenas of space overlap. But there's a difference between concrete consideration and internal (I really empathize and totally know how this person feels so he/she should feel the same way about me too*) consideration.

*I mean, I get it. I totally want to know how people tick, especially when I'm in a vulnerable situation because I feel like it gives me power to file the person under A, B, and C category. But no amount of mental gymnastics will change how I *should* act in that situation.

Tick? well, if you want to know what makes them tick.

You'd have to disconnect parts of the modern human brain, and revert to the former dominance of the limbic system.

They literally have walnuts for brains. Which doesn't affect intelligence per se. Just the ability to emotionally mature and grow in a connected way.

 

[Colors]

You're one of those irrepressible spirit people, aren't ya slippy?