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[ISTP] ISTP - "friends with benefits" relationships

Rachelinpa

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i dunno what to say. my istp said he was okay with me using the GF label, but he still doesn't really seem comfortable with the term due to past-ex issues (and i wonder sometimes if he is over her). he essentially said the same thing as yours (initially), "i don't know what i want right now. i feel uncomfortable with you being my girlfriend since i just got out of a relationship." that wasn't cool with me, but hey, he is istp...thus a slow mover... REAL slow as others on TypeC have pointed out.

we put a time limit on it (fish or cut bait) because eventually i figured out that i liked him so much that i wanted a relationship.

yeah, i think it would be good for you to determine what YOU want it to be. so at least, well, you feel like you have some control of the situation and aren't just leaving it up for him to decide. i could be wrong, but it seems like you are not too happy with the FWB sitch since you like him so.
 

StephMC

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I want to know how easy it is for ISTPs to maintain a completely unemotional friends with benefits relationship. Also, what are the signs that he may be developing some feelings for me, and the signs that it's a completely casual thing?

I'm too lazy to go back and read everyone's post, but as usual, I'm sure I'd agree with most of what my fellow ISTPs say. But as for the OP's question, I'm notorious for this. Except that it's not "completely unemotional"... I just don't want a commitment.

I have a tendency to get involved with someone, develop a friends with benefits type of thing, make sure they are FULLY aware I don't want a relationship and....it ends up being a relationship anyways. Except I refuse to admit they're my boyfriend and still won't -officially- commit. I'm not sure why. Or... I am... I just don't feel like going into an analysis right this moment. But long story short, my life is busy and hectic enough, and not admitting to being in a relationship is an easier escape -if- I need one for whatever reason. It's all in my head, because I always end up calling the thing off like I would a normal relationship anyways. Just to give you an idea, it took a year of talking to my last boyfriend every day + moving in with him for me to finally admit he was my boyfriend. Although it didn't but a few months more after that. :rolli:

If it's completely casual, he probably doesn't go out of his way to make plans with you. If he's developing any kind of feelings, he'd probably either try to make plans with you often or drop anything he's doing if you try to make plans with him.
 

sLiPpY

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:doh: relationships suck!

Why can't people just be fun! or share the moment...without having to label it as being anything other than whatever's going on for right now?

Relationships seem to be some silly excuse to tag, title, brand someone else's stuff. I'll keep my stuff! Thank you.

I might share my stuff, but joo no can have it! :cool:
 
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I lost a great friendship with T, and I had a hard time accepting that someone who used to be such a constant presence in my everyday life could all the sudden cut me out like that. On top of that, I found out that M had been involved in a relationship that ended quite tragically (neither of them wanted to break up but they were forced to), and he still did not seem to get over her after half a year. Though my gut feelings were otherwise, people kept telling me that M was just using me for sex, that I was his rebound, and that messed with me so much that I no longer knew who to trust. I still hung around the house a lot, but I was no longer my usual happy self with T ignoring me and feeling vulnerable and defensive against M. Maybe M took a notice of this, and at times he would go hot and cold on me (as I went hot and cold on him unintentially), though sometimes we would still hook up during the "hot" times.

^This part doesn't sound so good. When someone in a relationship is forced (by others?) to end it against their will, they can end up longing for that person for years. M could end up marrying someone else, having children, etc. but never truly be over this other woman, and then end up looking for her and reconnecting years down the road, when the forces that originally broke up their relationship are no longer in play. I think if you want someone that you can fully connect with, mind, body, and soul, you might need to look elsewhere.
 

lasdf23

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You're all very right in that I need to figure out what I want for myself too. And honestly, I do not know enough about him to make judgments as to whether he will be somebody that I want to commit to. Only the gut feeling that he is such an INTERESTING person, and I want to get to know him more. Sure, commitment comes easy to me, and I was the one who wanted that initially, but now that I think about it more maybe I was desperate to solidify a relationship status because I had given myself up physically so quickly and felt insecure.

The last time we hooked up, he asked me how confident I am in us succeeding in the "not hooking up again" deal. I said 70%. His answer was that he was pretty confident. But I got a sense that he wanted more, because even after we got out of the bed he kept saying how much he's going to miss it, kept wanting to hold me in his arms, kept being attentive to me, etc. But I know he will never admit to that feeling, at least not in the short run.

His ex situation is interesting because that was the story that he told people. But I also heard from a friend of a friend of the ex-girlfriend that she just used an excuse to seem like they HAD to break up, when in actuality she just didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. Don't know whose story is true, but as long as M believes in his version, he is not going to let that go and I can't do anything about it.

All in all, I think I am better off just being friends with him. In fact, I want to maintain that flirty but friendly atmosphere as much as I can, so I can have a better chance of showing him what I have to offer. Hopefully he will catch on to that and start liking me beyond the good physical chemistry. I'll keep you guys posted.
 

KDude

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:doh: relationships suck!

pretty much. i'm not asking for a lot though. i would enjoy a relationship founded on acceptance (both ways). more or less at least. i'd like to meet someone who gets to know me, and yet still sticks around.. i mean, like, really know me (if i even got to that point at all). what i'm not about to do is play up my good side, or cater to someone's need for a perfect partner or soulmate, or whatever. too much work.. relationships suck because it's easy to get carried away with what's ideal, and not truly accepting someone as they are.
 

Rebe

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All in all, I think I am better off just being friends with him. In fact, I want to maintain that flirty but friendly atmosphere as much as I can, so I can have a better chance of showing him what I have to offer. Hopefully he will catch on to that and start liking me beyond the good physical chemistry. I'll keep you guys posted.

hey lasdf23,

I was in a similar situation myself; those istps are pretty interesting. I caution you to be very careful as it seems it is hard for you two to stop having fun and getting physical :newwink:. I know I did. My advice is to lessen how much you spend time with him and pay attention to something else for a while. If he wants you, he will come looking for you, when he is ready, may be weeks or months. If you keep becoming involved with him, he might never realize he wants to be with you. Feelings are hard to push away and stuff down. You might feel hurt if you keep hanging around him and he still won't bugle from his position or he gets involved with someone else however casually or, etc, etc, maybe he looks at you coldly one night. Now that feelings are involved, it will be messy. I suppose it is down to personal preference, but I am an all or nothing kind of person in the long-run so I chose the 'nothing' and I think that's healthier than lingering between waiting for his response. I just hate waiting around for people, but of course, I have my own intimacy issues as much as my istp had his. I completely shut him out and I feel better, because I can move on, because I have decided that he hurt me enough that we cant go back to where it was before. I am still extremely attracted to him though; istps have this raw sexuality thing going on. Anyway, I just wanted to share what I know; I hope this is helpful. The messiness of these things disturbs me profoundly. Please be careful. :)
 

Salomé

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I want to know how easy it is for ISTPs to maintain a completely unemotional friends with benefits relationship. Also, what are the signs that he may be developing some feelings for me, and the signs that it's a completely casual thing?

:doh:It is a completely casual thing. What part of that have you failed to understand? ISTPs are good at compartmentalizing. Right now, you're just a fun lay he's not going to turn down in a hurry. You shouldn't count on that changing, given the way the relationship started and has developed. If you find that difficult to deal with, you need to think about ending it now. If not, just enjoy it for what it is. The whole "we musn't do this again" thing he probably just views as a challenge/way out when he gets bored.
 

sLiPpY

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:confused: Could you expand on the compartmentalizing concept pwease!?!

Just would like to see if on the same wave-length as to perceiving the concept.
 

Poki

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:confused: Could you expand on the compartmentalizing concept pwease!?!

Just would like to see if on the same wave-length as to perceiving the concept.

I can detach from feelings and get past things really easily. I can move into the moment very easily and move beyond things from the past in regards to being in the moment. I can do this with feelings toward people and compartmentalize on a situational basis. If you change the situation my feelings and actions will tend to change along with it. I tend to live in the moment in this regard. I can be pissed at someone for something and then turn around in a different situation like nothing happened with that same person.
 

KDude

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it's true for me too^

one of my good friends will start getting pissy with everyone if he's upset about something. i never understood that.

[edit] not entirely related to relationships i know.. im just thinking out loud. never thought about this.
 

ChocolateMoose123

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:doh:It is a completely casual thing. What part of that have you failed to understand? ISTPs are good at compartmentalizing. Right now, you're just a fun lay he's not going to turn down in a hurry. You shouldn't count on that changing, given the way the relationship started and has developed. If you find that difficult to deal with, you need to think about ending it now. If not, just enjoy it for what it is. The whole "we musn't do this again" thing he probably just views as a challenge/way out when he gets bored.

This sounds so harsh to me. Just because something is casual doesn't mean it isn't complicated for one or both parties and emotions aren't involved.

Wherever there are expectations there is complications and stagnation breeds desire for change which breeds expectation. So it's only natural that one person will begin to get bored with FWB and want to shake things up.

Things like this aren't black and white. I can tell you that my FWB situations are few and far between because I rarely meet someone who is independent and unemotional enough to deal with the arrangement. That's not to say sometimes I don't have stronger feelings for said person but it ebbs and flows. One day I'll really be into them and the next day think that I was really smart to keep things the way they are because I could never be with said person. It's par the course. Most of the time I just don't care one way or the other what happens with said person.
 

Salomé

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:confused: Could you expand on the compartmentalizing concept pwease!?!

Just would like to see if on the same wave-length as to perceiving the concept.

My perception is that they are good at not blurring the lines. A fuck-buddy is a fuck-buddy. Nothing more, nothing less. This is a good thing or a bad thing depending on your expectations.

This sounds so harsh to me. Just because something is casual doesn't mean it isn't complicated for one or both parties and emotions aren't involved.
Well yeah... Clearly it's complicated for the ENFJ.
 

KDude

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Hate to butt in, but I thought like what poki said above, that you were talking about compartmentalizing emotions.. err.. or something.

Anyhow, what you said isn't true in my case. I would never compartmentalize someone into some category like that. In the same way that I would never just come up with the decision that they were the "One". I'm too openminded (or maybe indecisive) on what could happen with someone. For better or worse.
 

Poki

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My perception is that they are good at not blurring the lines. A fuck-buddy is a fuck-buddy. Nothing more, nothing less. This is a good thing or a bad thing depending on your expectations.


Well yeah... Clearly it's complicated for the ENFJ.

My thought in this regard, if your ok, and I am ok, then thats all that matters in a relationship and a relationship is between 2 people.

I like your stance of just accepting the complication instead of arguing about the complication.
 

KDude

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you assholes are going to make me turn into that dude here who rants about individuality, and that he doesn't fit any MBTI Type. :D really questioning my ISTP-ness now.
 

ChocolateMoose123

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Well yeah... Clearly it's complicated for the ENFJ.

Complication for one party will make complication for the other. :laugh:

I would never compartmentalize someone into some category like that. In the same way that I would never just come up with the decision that they were the "One". I'm too openminded (or maybe indecisive) on what could happen with someone.

Yes to this.

EDIT: It's like you know what the dynamic is and unless something changes you're okay with really anything. :doh: I hate explaining this stuff!
 
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