[ISTP] ISTP - "friends with benefits" relationships

[Salomé]

EDIT: It's like you know what the dynamic is and unless something changes you're okay with really anything. I hate explaining this stuff!

Right. Which is kind of opportunistic, go with the flow type thinking. That's all I'm saying is going on here. This guy isn't looking for anything serious.

Like you said:

I rarely meet someone who is independent and unemotional enough to deal with the arrangement. That's not to say sometimes I don't have stronger feelings for said person but it ebbs and flows. One day I'll really be into them and the next day think that I was really smart to keep things the way they are because I could never be with said person. It's par the course. Most of the time I just don't care one way or the other what happens with said person.

Safest bet for OP is to reckon on this dynamic, rather than allowing herself to imagine anything else is going on.
That's not to say it's an impossibility, it's just improbable. I mean, damn, he straight out said "he doesn't want a relationship right now". I'm not exactly reading tarot cards here.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

Right. Which is kind of opportunistic, go with the flow type thinking. That's all I'm saying is going on here. This guy isn't looking for anything serious.

Like you said:


Safest bet for OP is to reckon on this dynamic, rather than allowing herself to imagine anything else is going on.
That's not to say it's an impossibility, it's just improbable. I mean, damn, he straight out said "he doesn't want a relationship right now". I'm not exactly reading tarot cards here.

ISTP's never look for anything serious. That's why we are single for long periods of time. Yes. He stated he didn't want a relationship and I agreed with that. My point was letting her know that just because he doesn't want one doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings for her.

A lot of these threads paint ISTP's as cold and unfeeling. We do feel and have emotions. I would say intense ones. The difference is we just don't feel the need to show, talk about or act on them very much.

 

[Salomé]

ISTP's never look for anything serious. That's why we are single for long periods of time. Yes. He stated he didn't want a relationship and I agreed with that. My point was letting her know that just because he doesn't want one doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings for her.

A lot of these threads paint ISTP's as cold and unfeeling. We do feel and have emotions. I would say intense ones. The difference is we just don't feel the need to show, talk about or act on them very much.

I think you're missing the point. She isn't looking for a primer on ISTP warm fuzzy potential. She's looking for reassurance that she isn't wasting her time wanting more from this guy than he is willing to give.
I don't think it's responsible to offer her such reassurance. Especially since she is asking for help reading signs which are flashing in bright pink neon.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

I think you're missing the point. She isn't looking for a primer on ISTP warm fuzzy potential. She's looking for reassurance that she isn't wasting her time wanting more from this guy than he is willing to give.
I don't think it's responsible to offer her such reassurance. Especially since she is asking for help reading signs which are flashing in bright pink neon.

I'll let her take what she can from what information I gave.

 

[McRumi]

ISTP's never look for anything serious. That's why we are single for long periods of time. Yes. He stated he didn't want a relationship and I agreed with that. My point was letting her know that just because he doesn't want one doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings for her.

A lot of these threads paint ISTP's as cold and unfeeling. We do feel and have emotions. I would say intense ones. The difference is we just don't feel the need to show, talk about or act on them very much.

Huh?
Don't look for anything serious? Maybe when they're 13.

ISTPs have difficulty acknowledging their emotions because F is their blind spot and they do not trust it. ISTPs put a very high value on impartiality and are aware that internal values (F) can upset that impartiality.

Few human relationships can survive without some sharing of emotion and one's internal self...ISTPs have difficulty not only recognizing their emotions but expressing them when they are recognized.

That is why some ISTPs are quite content going solo. And why many, esp Fs, find them ultimately unsatisfying in committed relationships.

However, many ISTPs move to the F side as they grow older and mature (as is natural). That is when they usually come into their own in terms of relationships. Usually in middle age.

Sadly, our culture has bought into the Hollywood myth that happiness can only be found in twosomes. Our culture has demonized being single.

ISTPS are often wonderful examples of the beauty and richness of a life lived without an "other."

 

[KDude]

^I guess I'm back to appreciating that, but it's not like I want to be single. I'm coming off a disappointing situation as we speak. And when I say "disappointing", I mean I cared and tried. Sometimes I DO want the dynamic of a relationship to change, and will subtly push for it. I might not be someone who confesses things blatantly, but I do look for other ways to see if someone is really worth getting involved with.. and if I find that they're not, I'm a little bummed out about that.

 

[sLiPpY]

My perception is that they are good at not blurring the lines. A fuck-buddy is a fuck-buddy. Nothing more, nothing less. This is a good thing or a bad thing depending on your expectations.

I'll be vague, but seems like the same wave.

There's a paticular non-blood relative, and I hate their f* guts. I treat them well out of respect for whatever, but I still hate their f* guts.

Sometimes sex is just sex. But something odd, at least about myself and an ISTP friend. We both hate titty bars. Bachelor party instructions were to keep the fraternity invites from having an opportunity to subvert the no strippers plan.

I've had golf trips where the other married guys, wanted to spend the whole evening at the freakn' titty bar. For them maybe that was more considerate, and I was single at the time. But I hate those freakn' places, and much prefer to go dancing somewhere...the next year after being tricked into getting into a car and taken to one. I decided to not go the following year.

damn, off my crazy rant.

 

[KDude]

I hate strip clubs too.. I don't think it's a "moral" thing. I just... hate being treated like an idiot.

This does not bar me from dating strippers though. ;D I just have to meet them on accident.

 

[sLiPpY]

ISTP's never look for anything serious. That's why we are single for long periods of time. Yes. He stated he didn't want a relationship and I agreed with that. My point was letting her know that just because he doesn't want one doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings for her.

A lot of these threads paint ISTP's as cold and unfeeling. We do feel and have emotions. I would say intense ones. The difference is we just don't feel the need to show, talk about or act on them very much.

That's a good point. But in some ways, we are a bit unintentionally reptillian...which is something I didn't recognize or get a comfort zone with until mid-older.

Years after my fiance died, there was a lady I met at work...just an awesomely good and genuine person. We'd go on trips, go out to eat. Catch a movie. Cook. Entertain couples and groups of people from time to time.

Never had sex with her, or moved forward when the vibe indicated I could. Knowing that the chemistry just wasn't anything beyond that for me, and ultimately I suspect for her. Although on a non-communicative basis, I think we both questioned it?

That went on for about eight years, and I dated and I FWB...but never brought those up when hanging out and never dissed her in-between. Never once hid the fact that friendship existed in telling my girlfriend of the moment, that I couldn't go out because my old friend and I had plans.

Wasn't ever sure of exactly why I couldn't say to my old friend, I'm dating so and so and...we did this or that or whatever. Wasn't that I thought she couldn't handle it, and/or would reject being friends. Hell I don't know why...

In some aspects, I'm just f* crazy...it is what it is. *laughs at self*

 

[sLiPpY]

I hate strip clubs too.. I don't think it's a "moral" thing. I just... hate being treated like an idiot.

This does not bar me from dating strippers though. ;D I just have to meet them on accident.

oh, dude...

I ended up dating a stripper for a short while. I met her in a bookstore of all places.

Really smart, intelligent, bright beautiful chick...but we kind of hit a decorum taboo...when she uh, made a move by literally getting under the table in a family style seafood resturant. When I asked her about life initially she said that she was in "customer service." lol

referring to your comment on strip clubs.

 

[sLiPpY]

^I guess I'm back to appreciating that, but it's not like I want to be single. I'm coming off a disappointing situation as we speak. And when I say "disappointing", I mean I cared and tried. Sometimes I DO want the dynamic of a relationship to change, and will subtly push for it. I might not be someone who confesses things blatantly, but I do look for other ways to see if someone is really worth getting involved with.. and if I find that they're not, I'm a little bummed out about that.

Being ISTP is a funny thing. Retrospectively, I know guys that had their potential life partner settled early, such as myself... Then others it took longer for, or life happened etc.

Just saying I self-identify with what you said about your own experience.

Seems so odd on this forum sometimes. Me, and the few ISTP's I've recognized as knowing in life...often express feeling so different from everybody else. As, I'm sure all of us do?

But dammit, when we come across others in a space such as this...there seems to be an in-SYNC of communication I don't often recognize other types as having...????

Maybe they do, and I just don't get them? lol

mk...I put my typing fingers away for a while, please forgive post, post, post. When I saw this topic earlier today, it made me very uncomfortable. However, the discomfort was just within myself. Maybe difference between who I am, and what other folks might accept? Hell I don't know.

 

[KDude]

oh, dude...

I ended up dating a stripper for a short while. I met her in a bookstore of all places.

Really smart, intelligent, bright beautiful chick...but we kind of hit a decorum taboo...when she uh, made a move by literally getting under the table in a family style seafood resturant. When I asked her about life initially she said that she was in "customer service." lol

referring to your comment on strip clubs.

heh yeah.. it's odd how that works out, isn't it?

 

[Rachelinpa]

I have a tendency to get involved with someone, develop a friends with benefits type of thing, make sure they are FULLY aware I don't want a relationship and....it ends up being a relationship anyways. Except I refuse to admit they're my boyfriend and still won't -officially- commit. I'm not sure why. Or... I am... I just don't feel like going into an analysis right this moment. But long story short, my life is busy and hectic enough, and not admitting to being in a relationship is an easier escape -if- I need one for whatever reason. It's all in my head, because I always end up calling the thing off like I would a normal relationship anyways. Just to give you an idea, it took a year of talking to my last boyfriend every day + moving in with him for me to finally admit he was my boyfriend. Although it didn't but a few months more after that. :rolli:

my istp bff says, "It's not unemotional at all. It's actually more emotional than my normal relationships because there isn't stability or certainty so I'm always left wondering... Imagining... Stressing. And I'm always the last person to know that I'm in a relationship.

Speaking of my non relationship, analyze this:

He used to text me back and forth, ping ponging every minute or so. NOW (including right this second), he texts me, I text back within a few minutes, and then he takes 20 minutes to reply. When he started it!!!!!"

haaaahaha. istps-why put yourself through such agony? seems like unnecessary stress. is it that you want to see if the consistency of the other person is there without the label? or is it to avoid boredom and routine?

 

[McRumi]

We live in the moment. So sometimes we text non-stop, sometimes not for days.

We eat stress for breakfast when we are working/performing. But stress in relationships is completely different because it is emotional stress. Also inefficient. MOst intimate human relationships require a consistent maintenance...and that is exactly what we are not wired for.

We are like the big cats in the savanna: we are constantly scanning our surroundings for the big kill (crisis), put all our energies into it, and then retreat.

Intense energy/rest/intense energy/rest.

 

[cafe]

I am thinking you guys have a strong genetic compatibility that makes you hard to resist to one another when within smelling distance. Add this to the personality/physical attraction plus the behavioral reinforcement of memories of previous good sex . . . I'm betting you're going to keep doing each other at every convenient opportunity and it could go on for 3+ years easily and still not be a relationship. He could even meet somebody within that time frame that he does want a relationship with and drop you like a hot potato (or keep you on the side).

If you don't want to continue the relationship as it is now, you probably need to create some physical distance until you have the other aspects of the relationship hashed out to your satisfaction.

It could turn into something, but I'd say there's a 50+% chance that it isn't going to. The thing is, he probably won't know himself where it's going until he actually gets there -- unless he's pretty cold-hearted and manipulative and he's got things right where he wants them right now, which is also possible. That wouldn't be an ISTP thing. That would be a jerk thing and they come in all types.

 

[Salomé]

it could go on for 3+ years easily and still not be a relationship. He could even meet somebody within that time frame that he does want a relationship with and drop you like a hot potato (or keep you on the side).

If you don't want to continue the relationship as it is now, you probably need to create some physical distance until you have the other aspects of the relationship hashed out to your satisfaction.

Agree with this.

It could turn into something, but I'd say there's a 50+% chance that it isn't going to. The thing is, he probably won't know himself where it's going until he actually gets there -- unless he's pretty cold-hearted and manipulative and he's got things right where he wants them right now, which is also possible. That wouldn't be an ISTP thing. That would be a jerk thing and they come in all types.

I don't agree with your assessment. Why does not wanting to change the 'rules of engagement' make him a jerk? They've had the talk. He made himself clear. If she continues the relationship on the same terms hoping things are going to change then she only has herself to blame, no?

Speaking of my non relationship, analyze this:

He used to text me back and forth, ping ponging every minute or so. NOW (including right this second), he texts me, I text back within a few minutes, and then he takes 20 minutes to reply. When he started it!!!!!"

haaaahaha. istps-why put yourself through such agony? seems like unnecessary stress. is it that you want to see if the consistency of the other person is there without the label? or is it to avoid boredom and routine?

You are the only one stressing/agonizing, don't you see that? NFs, why are you always obsessing over this stuff? And why do you ask questions when you don't really want the answers? I don't know how many posts I've read along similar lines. If you are the kind of person who needs a lot of reassurance and stability and emotional support, you shouldn't be in a relationship with an ITP. You won't get what you need and you'll annoy the hell out of them.

 

[cafe]

I don't agree with your assessment. Why does not wanting to change the 'rules of engagement' make him a jerk? They've had the talk. He made himself clear. If she continues the relationship on the same terms hoping things are going to change then she only has herself to blame, no?

To a degree. I am inclined to believe there is responsibility on both sides, though more on her side for being stupid.

If he knows she has feelings for him that he is unwilling or unable to reciprocate and knows she is probably going to be hurt, but is still willing to engage in the relationship so he can have a convenient piece of ass, that is, IMO, a pretty jerky thing to do. It's not unfair or dishonest, but it is unkind and selfish.

But she is also being dishonest for continuing a relationship with ulterior motives.

If this is the case, they'd both be a lot better off finding a more suitable partner.

 

[McRumi]

ISTPs do not drop people like hot potatoes. In fact they are likely to remain friends with whomever they've encountered in life for all their life. ISTPS are egalitarians and highly attuned to issues of fairness and justice. There's a lot of NF and NT projection going on here.

 

[Salomé]

ISTPs do not drop people like hot potatoes. In fact they are likely to remain friends with whomever they've encountered in life for all their life. ISTPS are egalitarians and highly attuned to issues of fairness and justice. There's a lot of NF and NT projection going on here.

I read it to mean he'd move on without hesitation, not that ISTPs are fickle.
I have found them to be quite difficult to penetrate but very loyal to their friends and families.

 

[Poki]

Complication for one party will make complication for the other.

I know, why cant we all just get along?