[MBTI General] Witty comments

[Poki]

Just post all witty stories you have. I will start out.

Last night we were transoprting a small(2 gallon) fishtank that I drained half the water out of. I went around a turn and hit a bump and my wife made a comment about it splashing onto her leg as it was between her feet. I responded "I'm not licking your legs tonight" my other thought was "Im not sucking on your toes tonight" but my son was in the car and that would not go over well if he said that at school.

 

[sLiPpY]

I was out having lunch last week, and there were two cute 70+ year old ladies at the table behind me.

They were talking about how long they'd individually lived in town. How long each pastor was at their church. I stopped listening and focused on food.

Suddenly, one lady says to the other... "You are just so full of "it"...*insert four letter word of choice here*

The contrast led me to laugh so hard I spit my tea out.

 

[Willfrey]

This may be one of those 'you had to be there' moments, but as me and my best friend do we *always* talk shit to eachother. I forget what I'd told him in this instance, but it prompted him to respond

"Where you get that joke? lamejokes.com?"

"Yeah, right where you got that one."

:>

 

[sLiPpY]

http://www.typologycentral.com/foru...7-i-cannot-stop-questioning-3.html#post935059

I had a little accident in the philosophy forum.

 

[sLiPpY]

Someone posted in a forum, "I feel so lost! I can't even find myself!"

sLiPpY replies, "Have you considered GPS?"

 

[Sinmara]

I would always say this to my ESTJ mom and sister, who couldn't help but put their noses in my business and tell me how to do something because it's different from the way they would do it and therefore obviously wrong.

"Thank you for your input. Would you like to explain to me how to wipe my ass next? I don't think my technique is quite up to standards."

That would just make them so furious...lol.

 

[Poki]

My wife calls down the stairs as im leaving, "dont forget to turn your phone on"

I responded "ok, if I forget just call me to remind me."

 

[inebriato]

A disscusion between my friend about her ex.
Me: "You deserve better, he is ugly anyway."
Friend: "insert name here looks good in some lights."
Me: "What, in the dark?"

 

[Sinmara]

My boyfriend called me one evening with excitement in his voice to tell me that he just discovered the most bizarre military perk: Military wives in the Airforce have a HUGE discount on breast implants. You only have to pay the price of the implants themselves.

I told him, "Honey, if this is your way of proposing, you need to try again."

 

[Walking Tourist]

Telephone exchange:
Telephone: Ring, ring, ring.
Me: Hello.
Heavy breather: loud breathing noises
Me: You really should quit smoking
(at this point, I hang up the telephone)

 

[Willfrey]

"It's about time you picked up your phone, geeze"

"I always pick up my phone. When I see it is you, I put it back down."


*smirk*

 

[Sinmara]

Me: *cooking soup and measuring out the bouillon powder to add to the water* I hope I mix this right. There's no measurement directions on the jar.
Dad: Well, if you don't add enough you can put more in, and if you add too much you can take some out.
Me:....wait, wtf?
Dad: *wolfish grin* Just seeing if you're paying attention.

 

[Sinmara]

Dad just reminded me of something he had done years and years ago. I had completely forgotten until tonight.

My grandfather was an abusive alcoholic. He'd hide his booze all around the house, pretty typical alcoholic behavior.

My grandparents lived with us for a little while back when I was a kid because they had lost their house and were looking for an apartment. Dad told my grandfather that under no circumstances will he allow alcohol in his house. If he has to get drunk, do it elsewhere and be sober by time he gets home cuz he's not stepping foot through his door if he's drunk.

Grandpa completely ignored what he said and thought he'd be sneaky by sneaking alcohol into the house. (People, don't try to fool an ISTP. They notice. )

Dad went around and collected all of the alcohol bottles.

Then, he bought several tubes of super glue.

He glued the caps to all the bottles.

He glued the bottles to each other.

Then he glued the bottles to the counter.

It was one huge lump of alcohol and glass.

Grandpa came home from work and the ensuing battle was EPIC.

I can still see the faint outline of where the bottles were glued down on the counter top.

 

[Poki]

wife was beat down with son while we were in the car.

Untwisted the shifter knob handed it to her and asked if she wanted to help shift.

 

[Sinmara]

"I'm not much interested in pronography. I don't even own a pornographer."

"We had named our cat Tigger, but in the interests of being politically correct, we have changed his name to Tegro."

 

[sLiPpY]

My boss walked in and asked if we have any "canned air."

I turned and pointed to the back of my co-workers head, "hot or cold?"

It was a little difficult to contain the laughter.

 

[Willfrey]

This... Is the most nerdy joke ever but I snicker uncontrollably when I think about it... context is that my friend was talking about video games.

".....so have you been looking at Lost Planet 2 at all?"

"Your mom was looking at my two lost planets until I had to gamma ray burst in her eyes"

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

A fellow student was changing a tire in class and having difficulty. He enlisted the help of another student but to no use. This caught the attention of the teacher and as I walked by he motioned me to come over and take a look, "Why can't he get this tire on?" he says. I look at the tire and reply to the student, "You need lube." After a few seconds of silence and all of us looking at the tire I go, "....or you can just spit on it."

The students busted out laughing and my teacher turned red, shook his head and started laughing.

 

[Sunny Ghost]

at a friend's house hanging out with some chums.
my friend's ESFP roommate (who has quite an ego) comes home a while later, covered in face paint and smiling.
we all looked at her, and of course had to ask what she had been up to.
she acts as though it's no big thing to come home covered in face paint, and replies along the lines of, "oooh, nothing. just the usual crazy stuff."
i replied, "ah, just another day in the life of _____."
she glanced at me suspectfully after that and scuffled off to her room.

 

[Dali]

Setting: large dinner-party at friend's house.
Situation: I released my friend's beautiful, large Persian cat from his enclosure (he gets freaked out by visitors) for a few minutes in order to pet him. He bolted into the night. I jumped walls and whatnot to try and get him but... heh, try catching a cat that doesn't want to be caught. So I morosely go and explain what's happened to the friend. She says he'll turn up the next morning as usual but mock-seriously chides me in front of everyone going "I just had him professionally groomed yesterday. Cost me quite a bit of money and he'll now come back all dirty and bedraggled. Dali, how could you?" I pause for two seconds then respond "I'll groom him myself". *everyone falls about laughing*

Eh, you kinda had to be there.