[ISTP] Behaviors of good ISTP boyfriends/husbands?

[sLiPpY]

hmm...I don't remember getting pissed off that she was stripping...

But then again, it was our last date.

 

[seamaid]

So, dilemma: I'm with an ISTP and he wants us to stay together. We're fine when it's just us two, but when I'm put in a social situation with him, I've noticed that other than occasionally checking to see what the other is up to, he doesn't act much like we are a couple, or a "team".

Until I saw the answers on this thread, I didn't know what to make of this. I thought this meant he just didn't care about me when given the opportunity to be in the company of other females. He's my first ISTP, and this very non-coupley behavior is not what I'm used to. I'm used to openly affectionate and reassuring SF behavior personally.

But now I see that he might prefer to stay in the background and observe activity and energy, particularly happy/positive activity and energy from his significant other interacting with others. A lot of social interaction drains me as an INFP, and I don't create the energy so much as just appreciate what's already there. I prefer intense one-on-ones to "flitting about", but I think I might be able to learn how to flit and overcome my social anxiety.

It makes sense that he just wants me to be happy. I too just want to be happy all the time. And be loveable and enthusiastic and silly. And sometimes I can be. But it's not frequent enough. I think the secret to keeping him really happy is simply for me to be really happy and bubbly all the time, wherever I am. The trouble is I am constantly thinking I am not good enough compared to this or that. This really hampers my ability to let go, have fun, and just be "me", which would be the best thing for the health of our relationship.

 

[sLiPpY]

So, dilemma: I'm with an ISTP and he wants us to stay together. We're fine when it's just us two, but when I'm put in a social situation with him, I've noticed that other than occasionally checking to see what the other is up to, he doesn't act much like we are a couple, or a "team".

Until I saw the answers on this thread, I didn't know what to make of this. I thought this meant he just didn't care about me when given the opportunity to be in the company of other females. He's my first ISTP, and this very non-coupley behavior is not what I'm used to. I'm used to openly affectionate and reassuring SF behavior personally.

But now I see that he might prefer to stay in the background and observe activity and energy, particularly happy/positive activity and energy from his significant other interacting with others. A lot of social interaction drains me as an INFP, and I don't create the energy so much as just appreciate what's already there. I prefer intense one-on-ones to "flitting about", but I think I might be able to learn how to flit and overcome my social anxiety.

It makes sense that he just wants me to be happy. I too just want to be happy all the time. And be loveable and enthusiastic and silly. And sometimes I can be. But it's not frequent enough. I think the secret to keeping him really happy is simply for me to be really happy and bubbly all the time, wherever I am. The trouble is I am constantly thinking I am not good enough compared to this or that. This really hampers my ability to let go, have fun, and just be "me", which would be the best thing for the health of our relationship.

Reading through, your description and revelation of his behavior in social environments is spot on. I typically roam and watch until I find an activity or conversation that engages my attention. I think other ISTP's enjoy watching their partners doing and being.

The non-coupled approach to social situations it just feels natural for me? Not really sure of why excepting "individuality and free-spirited." As a common behavioral pattern in my life vs. direct thought or feeling.

I don't expect people to be happily and bubbly all of the time; sometimes I need to talk about certain things too...that are kind of a downer. I don't know about other ISTP's but when I talk about something, I'm not really looking to explore the situation beyond finding a resolution and/or just saying.

ISTP's have a nearly universal aversion to drama.

My fiance died of cancer years ago, but I loved watching her interact with her friends and other people. I consider that non-coupling distance in a social environment the highest form of a love expression I can think of...

To me it says I trust you, and admire your individuality...rebalance that core self so that it can recharge that element and spark that makes us a balanced couple.

ISTP's are funny creatures, there's usually a distinct moment when we decide we are comfortable trusting someone and let them in.

As to my oldest and closest friend, we'd been hanging out for weeks...lifting weights, drinking beers, and he'd already asked me to be in his wedding. Wasn't until a couple of weeks later after a day long hiking adventure.

We were in the car on our way back with the windows rolled down, and a song playing loud. It'd been non-stop conversation until then. Transitioned into quiet, the song was over i stopped the cd changer and we road for many miles without saying a single word.

It was in that silence and comfortable stillness I found a good friend.

Just kind of sharing that story to emphasize don't feel like you have to be bubbly all of the time to please anybody.

 

[Kingfisher]

i am different from you guys, my wife and i tend to stick very close together in social situations. we are much more like a "couple" than two individuals. it usually only takes a few minutes apart from one another before one of us will go and find the other. at parties we are almost always right next to each other. when we are standing i tend to put my arm around her shoulders or her waist a lot. and when we are sitting she leans against me or puts her head on me, which is what i love. so we maintain a lot of closeness at parties and social settings, and if one of us moves around the other generally follows.

"flitting around" definitely does not describe either of us. it is more like we have an elastic band between us, and when it gets pulled very far at all it snaps us back together, haha.

 

[jixmixfix]

i am different from you guys, my wife and i tend to stick very close together in social situations. we are much more like a "couple" than two individuals. it usually only takes a few minutes apart from one another before one of us will go and find the other. at parties we are almost always right next to each other. when we are standing i tend to put my arm around her shoulders or her waist a lot. and when we are sitting she leans against me or puts her head on me, which is what i love. so we maintain a lot of closeness at parties and social settings, and if one of us moves around the other generally follows.

"flitting around" definitely does not describe either of us. it is more like we have an elastic band between us, and when it gets pulled very far at all it snaps us back together, haha.

king fisher you are an ISFP lol jks I have no idea.

 

[Kingfisher]

king fisher you are an ISFP lol jks I have no idea.

a few people have told me that.

 

[seamaid]

My fiance died of cancer years ago, but I loved watching her interact with her friends and other people. I consider that non-coupling distance in a social environment the highest form of a love expression I can think of...

To me it says I trust you, and admire your individuality...rebalance that core self so that it can recharge that element and spark that makes us a balanced couple.

That is really beautiful. =) Wow! Thank you so much for sharing that. It makes me see his relative lack of contact in a completely new way.

The latter paragraph really shows me that in their own way, ISTPs want their significant other to find themselves and be whole. Which is essentially the goal an INFP strives for all the time. An ENFJ might voice this encouragement, even try to guide this search themselves, but an ISTP I guess simply trusts that the person will make it happen for themselves?

 

[mcmartinez84]

That's me as well, I think I would be pissed of if my girlfriend started stripping at a party.

+1...altho make that "boyfriend" instead of "girlfriend"

 

[mcmartinez84]

That is really beautiful. =) Wow! Thank you so much for sharing that. It makes me see his relative lack of contact in a completely new way.

The latter paragraph really shows me that in their own way, ISTPs want their significant other to find themselves and be whole. Which is essentially the goal an INFP strives for all the time. An ENFJ might voice this encouragement, even try to guide this search themselves, but an ISTP I guess simply trusts that the person will make it happen for themselves?

Yep.

I think since I need space, I assume that other people want/need space too. Yeah, I really like spending time with you, but we're with other people now, go talk to them, you see me all of the time! It's not that I don't want to be around you, but we're with other people, we'll have plenty of time together later. What's the point in going out with a bunch of people if you're only going to talk to the person you already spend most of your time with? Might as well stay home. Plus, I like knowing that I'm not a total crutch in the relationship. I like seeing the confirmation of independence. I went out with an ENFJ for awhile...and EVERYTHING was "I want to do what you want to do." I got sick of that. I was like "DUDE! Make a decision! It's not all about me!!!" I like it to be close to 50/50 most of the time.

 

[sLiPpY]

Nice part about being with other people for a social outing is having things to bring back and share during the couple time. Little something extra to talk about.

 

[syckkz]

I made a relationship with an ISFJ/INFJ work for 4 yrs.. which is a HUGE accomplishment for me! So I'm gonna give this a shot.

In private, I am very close to my girlfriend.. I enjoy lots of space, but I enjoy being close just as much. I like more light hearted convo and serious convo about things outside of us (news, thoughts, debates..)... conversations being too emotionally heavy can be VERY draining for me.. but I stick it through for her when it's needed because she needs that from me sometimes.

I enjoy relaxing and hanging out at home with her more than anything. I tell her I love her on a daily basis because I know that she likes to know that and she gets upset when I don't.. and I don't want to have to get the "you don't care no more" talk. I've learned to bend for her because I love her, in turn she tries to not be too emotional with me and gives me my freedom to do things outside of us.

In public.. around other people.. I become very quiet.. I don't usually have much to say to people I don't know very well. I let her go on and do her own thing I prefer to stay in one area and kind of blend into the background.. she thinks I get cold or upset because I don't like to get in there with her and talk a whole lot with her in front of people.
I just enjoy being in my own space with my own thoughts, if someone talks to me I will be more than happy to try to keep up a conversation.. but that's my idea of enjoying it.

 

[jixmixfix]

a few people have told me that.

Have you ever taken a cognitive functions test? I can picture you with someone who has high Fi. My Ti and Fi are equally high.Some ISTPs don't have high Fi at all and some do.

 

[jixmixfix]

+1...altho make that "boyfriend" instead of "girlfriend"

hahahha I can't see how guys bring their girlfriends on stage at strip joints I wouldn't want 100 guys seing my girlfriend naked and running around like a little skank.

 

[sculpting]

I don't know if this is a weird question, but here goes anyway:

How does a good/healthy/happy ISTP boyfriend/husband behave toward his girlfriend/wife? In private? In public? I'm very interested in the 'in public' behavior.

I don't think an answer like, 'we'd be just like any other 'good' boyfriend' would work, because
well, ISTPs don't think like NFs. For example, a good ENFP boyfriend might write tons of gushy emails, but I don't think an ISTP would even if he was 'in love'. But then I might be wrong. Let me know.

Just honest and real answers please. Thanks.

From the ENFP perspective?
In public-not much physical contact and tons of freedom and alone time for the ISTP. I never made him do stuff like christmas parties or hang out my friends as he was very uncomfortable and unhappy. We didnt go shopping together or have dates or exhibit much PDA. Maybe twice a year we would go out for dinner. It was like he had two lives-the hobby life-on his own pushing the limits of the hobby- and the home life-with me and the kids. Sometimes we would hold hands in public.

At home-he liked to cuddle, was even a spooner at night, not averse to physical proximity. Not very talkative. Spending time together was enough-we didnt have long drawn out conversations. Could be quite cuddly and sweet as long as he wasnt busy with a project. Very sincere in his love.

 

[mcmartinez84]

hahahha I can't see how guys bring their girlfriends on stage at strip joints I wouldn't want 100 guys seing my girlfriend naked and running around like a little skank.

For real!!! I'm pretty generous about a lot of things, but my naked boyfriend is just not one of those things I share. And I'd rather die than be naked in front of a bunch of pervs...even if they aren't pervs, I ain't a fan of being naked around too many people!

 

[toast]

So, dilemma: I'm with an ISTP and he wants us to stay together. We're fine when it's just us two, but when I'm put in a social situation with him, I've noticed that other than occasionally checking to see what the other is up to, he doesn't act much like we are a couple, or a "team".

Until I saw the answers on this thread, I didn't know what to make of this. I thought this meant he just didn't care about me when given the opportunity to be in the company of other females. He's my first ISTP, and this very non-coupley behavior is not what I'm used to. I'm used to openly affectionate and reassuring SF behavior personally.

I had this for a while but his jealousy actually helped me to see it for what it really was. My ISTP would disappear at parties & just check on me every once in a while. Not what I was used to. I would probably have come to all sorts of assumptions but I never really had time to be bothered by it because he displayed jealousy at parties early on. If he came to check up on me & there was someone getting too close, he'd stick on me & get very obviously "coupley." This helped me to realize he wasn't thinking about not being with me all night. He just figured (as mcmartinez84 pointed out) that we were there to hang out with other people... so why stick together?

As for PDA. He is much better with that but I don't think he'll ever initiate. He seems pretty comfortable letting me hug/kiss him in public as long as he isn't in a terrible mood. He will hold my hand a lot. I used to have A LOT of problems with PDA when he was uncomfortable with it. It really gave me the "are we really a couple?" complex I am still trying to recover from.

The trouble is I am constantly thinking I am not good enough compared to this or that. This really hampers my ability to let go, have fun, and just be "me", which would be the best thing for the health of our relationship.

And I completely relate to this though I think about it less now. I used to think of ways to be fun & exciting when I was around him because it was the only time he seemed to be responsive to me. It was easy at first but then I started to get bitter / hopeless when I started to feel like he expected it of me. Eventually he opened up a lot more & made me realize he liked when I was happy but didn't want me to be all the time. He likes to MAKE me happy sometimes, it seems. I still think about it when I am actually upset about something for too long, because I still feel like he likes me more when I'm happy (perhaps because it implies independence). I don't think about it much though. He really helped me with that.

 

[KarliJoanne]

I've been dating my ISTP boyfriend for almost 4 years now. We don't actually go to a lot of parties, we prefer to hang out just the two of us, just got back from a fishing trip actually. But when we do go to parties we stick together usually at the beginning, but often get to talking to other people. I think it's pretty obvious that we're a couple though. The better we know everyone the less time we spend attached, and the less we know people, the more we stick together.

I think that you should talk to your boyfriend about how you feel when you go to parties with him. He may just have no idea how you're feeling, ISTPs don't always pick up on feelings, so you have to try to be open and honest about them. It's good to realize that it's his personality to enjoy personal space and not to cling, but if it leaves you feeling neglected perhaps you can explain it to him. He might be sensitive to that

 

[millerm277]

That's me as well, I think I would be pissed of if my girlfriend started stripping at a party.

I think I'd probably be leaving her after that night....

I had this for a while but his jealousy actually helped me to see it for what it really was. My ISTP would disappear at parties & just check on me every once in a while. Not what I was used to. I would probably have come to all sorts of assumptions but I never really had time to be bothered by it because he displayed jealousy at parties early on. If he came to check up on me & there was someone getting too close, he'd stick on me & get very obviously "coupley." This helped me to realize he wasn't thinking about not being with me all night. He just figured (as mcmartinez84 pointed out) that we were there to hang out with other people... so why stick together?

This is about right. If we're with mostly good friends, I might not see her for an hour or two even, going off and doing something or whatever. If we're not, we stick together. And yeah, the territorial thing kicks in if it seems like someone is getting "too friendly" and I'll act extra "coupley"

As for PDA. He is much better with that but I don't think he'll ever initiate. He seems pretty comfortable letting me hug/kiss him in public as long as he isn't in a terrible mood. He will hold my hand a lot. I used to have A LOT of problems with PDA when he was uncomfortable with it. It really gave me the "are we really a couple?" complex I am still trying to recover from.

I pretty much never initiate kissing in public, hugs sure. It's just that to me, displays of affection are more of a private thing, and I don't really like such things to be for "the world to see".

 

[SillySapienne]

A good ISTP will give you plenty of space to breathe and explore but appreciates your proximity, (in a social environment).

In public it is plenty clear that you are a couple, as evidenced via pda, level and type of communication, and body language.

 

[SillySapienne]

Hahahahahaa, an ISTP writing a love letter.



I made the horrible mistake of writing an ISTP a love letter poem when I was 19.

His reaction?



Yeah, mortifying, we live and learn.