• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[ESFP] Motivating an ESFP - is it possible?

PeaceBaby

reborn
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
5,950
MBTI Type
N/A
Enneagram
N/A
My son is 20 and ESFP (E to the maximum). Intelligent, and has no plans or direction for his life yet. Has spent the last year working part-time and playing video games. Is procrastinating about even getting his driver's licence. (I'm basically going to have to set a deadline now, saying that I won't drive him anywhere save for emergencies. We paid for driving lessons but he hasn't got around to taking the test.)

He's not motivated by material gain, how people view him or social status (which is cool.) Likes to have fun (basically.) But at some point he needs to go to school and do ... something with his life. Is there anything that I can do to help facilitate his decision-making? Ummm, I ask this even though nothing I have ever tried historically (all through high school, positive or negative) made much difference.

SP's, would appreciate your advice here. What did you need from your Mom & Dad to help you focus on planning? I often think I in particular facilitate his procrastination by being too "nice" and helpful. :)
 

defragmybrain

New member
Joined
Nov 17, 2008
Messages
250
MBTI Type
ESFP
Enneagram
9
sounds exactly like me.
i'm 20, and 100% unmotivated in life despite my tremendous potential and talent.
 

Quinlan

Intriguing....
Joined
Apr 6, 2008
Messages
3,004
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
9w1
If I knew the answer to that I wouldn't be living under a bridge!

Hmm but seriously that's a tough one, maybe give him lots of positive encouragement about how great he would be in suchandsuch and at the same time cut off any financial support you might be giving? Sometimes we SPs need to actually hit a barrier before we change course.
 

SaltyWench

New member
Joined
Aug 26, 2008
Messages
142
MBTI Type
xxxx
Yup, pull out the funding. Once your kid figures out that work will lead to the freedom to have fun again, there will be plenty of motivation. Can't promise that they'll suddenly want to go to Harvard, but it's a start, right?
 

Jeffster

veteran attention whore
Joined
Jun 7, 2008
Messages
6,743
MBTI Type
ESFP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx
SP's, would appreciate your advice here. What did you need from your Mom & Dad to help you focus on planning? I often think I in particular facilitate his procrastination by being too "nice" and helpful. :)

When I was 20, my main motivation was hot women. If I showed up at school and work, I had the opportunity to see a lot of them and often talk to them. By the time I was 21, I had rediscovered my love of roads, and my motivation to go to my job was to get a paycheck to buy gas to take road trips and food on the trips...and some places I went I could see hot women. :blush:

What motivates an SP is always gonna change I think, depending on what they're into. But there's nothing anyone could have done that would make me focus on planning. I never did that. I still don't.

Why do you feel like he needs to go to school? If he's happy with his life, that should be the important thing. If the problem is that you are supporting him financially, then bottom-line it for him and tell him you can't do that anymore. (like your driving deadline idea. ) In my life, the only way I ever dealt with anything was when I had to. I would have mooched off my mom for all eternity if she hadn't eventually told me straight up "I can't give you any more money." When she said that, I knew I had to do something else. But SPs are opportunists. If you give us the safety net, we will keep gloriously falling back into it. We will adapt when we have to, or when we feel like a change, but you never know when that's gonna happen.

P.S. I still mooch off my mom, but I do it more sporadically now, so she's more inclined to help me out when I need it. And I've done a lot of things to help her out in return. And nowadays, I keep my job and don't quit and expect her to take care of me like I used to do.
 

PeaceBaby

reborn
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
5,950
MBTI Type
N/A
Enneagram
N/A
Thanks all for your comments above. It's helpful. :)

When I was 20, my main motivation was hot women.

Yes, that is definitely a high priority focus - I think it's one of the reasons he does go to work!

Why do you feel like he needs to go to school? If he's happy with his life, that should be the important thing.

Oh absolutely, and trust me I don't necessarily think school is the answer - I too just want him to be happy, my husband too. I just feel that he needs to become more self-sufficient, because I am starting to recognize I'm being taken advantage of (even though he's so charming at it.) And I am starting to resent it. Just this morning I picked him up from work (he worked a night shift) then drove him home, then drove myself back to work. This is typical of what we do to help support him (and my ESTJ husband minds the driving etc less but definitely hates the lack of a plan more.)

(Another issue with school is the fact we have an education savings plan that will expire when he is 21. We get the funds back but with no accumulated interest in this plan. The other plans we have can roll to a retirement plan, but not this one.)

In my life, the only way I ever dealt with anything was when I had to. I would have mooched off my mom for all eternity if she hadn't eventually told me straight up "I can't give you any more money." When she said that, I knew I had to do something else. But SPs are opportunists. If you give us the safety net, we will keep gloriously falling back into it. We will adapt when we have to, or when we feel like a change, but you never know when that's gonna happen.

Indeed; thanks for this. Shall reflect on it.
 

King sns

New member
Joined
Nov 4, 2008
Messages
6,714
MBTI Type
enfp
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I think you need to be really strict, unfortunately.
I had some strict parenting by my mom. She respected my need for fun and relaxation, but had to put her foot down A LOT. We also didn't have a lot of money, so I started working early to afford my funs. :) We got into a lot of fights all the time, but in the end I ended up being a motivated, hard worker. She had to weed out what was helpful for me and what was enabling, I think.

I don't know how you would do this with a 20 year old adult, but it wouldn't hurt to start saying "no" once in a while.
 

Unique

New member
Joined
Oct 14, 2008
Messages
1,702
As long as he pays his way (at that age he should) and shows respect thats all I would expect as a parent

Is going to school going to make him happy or you as a parent happy?

Is he happy at the moment?

You'll find that SPs are indeed opportunists and he will in the next few years most likely all of a sudden on impulse say that he is moving out, and doing this that and the other

The reasoning for that would most likely be that he doesn't want to be seen as someone who still lives with his mother

We don't look too far into the future and don't worry about it, this enables us to enjoy the current moment to its fullest which to me is the most important thing in life

SPs find motivation from within, if we are talking money then a lot of the time SPs are motivated by that amazing car or the freedom and time they get to spend doing whatever the hell they want

If we can't see gains for our efforts we become bored with whatever work it is

Anyway thats all for now, good luck
 

PeaceBaby

reborn
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
5,950
MBTI Type
N/A
Enneagram
N/A
I don't know how you would do this with a 20 year old adult, but it wouldn't hurt to start saying "no" once in a while.

Thanks sweet - the issue with saying "no" has always been he doesn't seem too impacted by it. When he was younger, we would take away priviledges (never super-strict admittedly) and he would shrug it off. No computer for a month - whatever. Grounded - whatever. No allowance - whatever.

And you would think my hubs would be the stricter of us, but I can be the one who finally says "That's it." We're both enabling him I know.

But we've never been heavy-handed so it would be out of character to just kick him out or anything drastic. Point being that just saying "no" has never really been ... enough?
 

King sns

New member
Joined
Nov 4, 2008
Messages
6,714
MBTI Type
enfp
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Maybe it will be different now that the stakes are higher?
Mr. Charming should be able to find a ride to work with one of his friends, I spose- or else get his liscence. He'll need to find some way to afford his video games, right?

Also, maybe charge him a small rent to stay there.
 

PeaceBaby

reborn
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
5,950
MBTI Type
N/A
Enneagram
N/A
Is going to school going to make him happy or you as a parent happy?

We hope it would make him happy - it would make us feel more secure about his future and earning a living. But there's nothing we're forcing.

Is he happy at the moment?

I would say yes - he has a gf, and friends, food, shelter & entertainment. Not much more to want for I suppose!
 

Unique

New member
Joined
Oct 14, 2008
Messages
1,702
Well I would suggest getting him excited about the prospect of being in control of his own life and have complete freedom, to do that a good education is where it starts

SPs have very simplistic needs though and unfortunately its usually us xSTPs that care more about money not so much the xSFPs

As time passes the situation should dawn on him that he needs to become more independent. Things can change very quickly with SPs....
 

icebreaka

New member
Joined
May 21, 2009
Messages
10
MBTI Type
ESTP
I'm someone who has a lack of motivation in my studies BIGTIME. Uni has been and is still a tough journey for me :(

I can take a stab at the problem by saying there's so much that goes on in my life that is more FUN :D!!!; and that I prioritise. The other factor is that my life is so secure... I think I'm depending too much on my parents. They pay for my transport to Uni, Car rego... All the money I earn from my casual job is all spent on wants because I don't have any bills to pay!

Yeah so I don't know where I'm going with this, but all I know is that I suck at studying and have no motivation for uni! I don't know what the answer is!
 

Moiety

New member
Joined
Aug 3, 2008
Messages
5,996
MBTI Type
ISFJ
Thanks sweet - the issue with saying "no" has always been he doesn't seem too impacted by it. When he was younger, we would take away priviledges (never super-strict admittedly) and he would shrug it off. No computer for a month - whatever. Grounded - whatever. No allowance - whatever.

And you would think my hubs would be the stricter of us, but I can be the one who finally says "That's it." We're both enabling him I know.

But we've never been heavy-handed so it would be out of character to just kick him out or anything drastic. Point being that just saying "no" has never really been ... enough?

They way I see it you must first identify what you consider is the problem. He's seems happy and the "shrugging off" you mentioned is not necessarily a bad thing. It means he can adapt. It's only bad if you see this from a perspective of control over his life.

So my advise would be to indentify the problem (maybe wanting reassurance that he is getting out of the house sometime?) and then just communicate that to him.

He seems like he enjoys his life and just likes to have fun (and that's great btw) so maybe you could make him see that he'll have to start thinking about being self-sufficient to continue with his lifestyle.

Maybe he's not unmotivated. His motivation is simply to make the best of the situation with the means available to him. Just make him see they won0t be there forever.
 

PeaceBaby

reborn
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
5,950
MBTI Type
N/A
Enneagram
N/A
I suppose the real problem is that I have to set boundaries that fit with me. After all, it seems I am the person with the issue, aren't I?

I just keep thinking he is going to change his habits and get inspired at some point.

And then I won't have to be a meanie ...
 

ColonelGadaafi

New member
Joined
Oct 10, 2008
Messages
773
MBTI Type
ESTJ
Enneagram
Si
You need to put him a in position where he internally reflects on his future. I am going to suggest that you put on the steel mitts. Be stricter and more rash with him when it comes to these matters, squeeze where it hurts the most. Since Extraverted Sensors... only conclude after experencing the context itself, he will come to full realization on the importance of progressing in life and becoming independent, after you've sanctioned his vices. While ESFP's are not the ones to forget.. when treated with what they consider "negative attitudes" , it wont be without ramifications.. however once he's cleared his head and seen the resultats of having to work and being responsible without mommys aid, he will be gratefull that you've pushed him, and you might recieve a thank you.

Trust me when i say that verbal motivation rarely work's with SFP's, in the case of ESFP's they take words for granted and let them seep out of the other ear, they will not take anything seriously without experiencing the measures taken first hand.

All and all, it will take time before you are able to launch his boat, thats fpr certain.
 

pardo

New member
Joined
May 24, 2008
Messages
51
MBTI Type
istp
Has spent the last year working part-time and playing video games.
I plan on spending my life working partime and playing games, more or less...

But at some point he needs to go to school and do ... something with his life.
Something like what??

SP's, would appreciate your advice here. What did you need from your Mom & Dad to help you focus on planning?
Planning for what? A zombie invasion? Seriously, tell him how FUN driving is (because it is) and he will happily take the license. Fun is the key! By the way you shouldn't be driving him to places at his age -_-
 

Udog

Seriously Delirious
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
5,290
MBTI Type
INfp
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Peacebaby, I'm not a parent but my friend's parents had to deal with a 28 year old ESxP that sounds exactly like your son. Your son WILL continue to stay with you as long as he's happy with the way things are. I've seen your future if you do nothing - I know how this plays out.

School: It's his life. You can't force him to go to school. Or rather, you can't force him to stay in school. School has to be his choice. Better to get your money back, no interest, than spend it and have him drop out before getting a degree.

I'd find it cruel to suddenly clash down with the sledgehammer, and I know I couldn't follow up on something too harsh. I suggest making a gradually implemented plan with your husband - one that both of you can follow through with.

The goal of this plan is to make living with you more and more burdensome, until he realizes moving out will make for a better life. Then tell him everything up front, so he understands what the future holds. (This is more for YOUR conscious, than his. The plan won't be real to him until it affects his life, so it's best to implement it gradually so it doesn't hit him too hard.)

Some ideas:

* Tell him that in 2 weeks you will start charging for rides. Make it nominal at first, but that you will raise the price even more in 4 weeks. He will have excuses, and he will try to build up a 'tab' that he won't pay back. Have a plan to counter that. During the two weeks, be CLEAR to him that if he doesn't pay first, you won't give him a ride. Keep on reminding him the alternative is to get a license.

* Start charging rent, but don't do it all at once.

* Tell him in 4 weeks he has to start paying rent and ultilities. Make rent nominal the first month, but make him pay 33% of the utilities (assuming it's just the 3 of you).

* Gradually increase the rent the second month, until it reaches the max in 6 or so months.

* Force him to sit down with you guys so you can show him how the utilities are being calculated. Either that, or create an excel spreadsheet and go over it with him.

* He may retaliate by quitting his job, so he CAN'T pay you. If that happens, tell him he will start losing privileges. He will have to be home by 12:00. No girlfriend in the house after 10:00pm. Etc. No cable. No video games until certain chores are done. Etc.

* All this while, put the money into a savings account. When he is ready to move out, use that money to help him furnish his place, buy a car, etc. Whether or not you share that detail with him depends on if you think it will help your cause.

Just keep in mind, that the plan will not be real until it starts affecting him. Be consistent in following through. SPs can hate planning for things that might happen (he might not get a ride if he doesn't pay you first). He needs to know that this is the way things will be.

Anyway, those are just some ideas to get you started. Your plan will vary. :)
 

icebreaka

New member
Joined
May 21, 2009
Messages
10
MBTI Type
ESTP
I agree with what was said above... But if you want to follow Udog's advice, you really have to plan it out and commit to it before you implement it. If my parents did some or all of the things above, I just KNOW that I will be able to get out of it EASY! I just know how my parents work! haha

I also agree with what was said earlier about how we need to hit a barrier before making a change, or if there's a safety net we'll keep falling back into it. Even though there could be many great advantages from taking a hard route, we'll stick to the easy route that we're already satisfied with, and won't go with the hard route unless we need to.

Also with the licensing thing, like someone else said, show him how much more fun/flexibility he can have with a license. I got my license as soon as I could and beat the majority of my friends who were able to get it way before me. My motivation was getting out more! I can't believe how people can delay getting their license, its such a limitation on life! lol :)
 

Udog

Seriously Delirious
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
5,290
MBTI Type
INfp
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I agree with what was said above... But if you want to follow Udog's advice, you really have to plan it out and commit to it before you implement it. If my parents did some or all of the things above, I just KNOW that I will be able to get out of it EASY! I just know how my parents work! haha!

Yes! And we both know he will fight it. This is why they need to come up with a plan they think is humane from the onset, and always always give plenty of heads up before a hammer comes crashing down.

BTW, welcome to the forums icebreaka.
 
Top