[MBTI General] "Not Cool Enough"

[maliafee]

If you've seen School of Rock, that quote might be funny to you. :/

Anyway, I wanted to bring something up that's bothered me for a while.

For years now (about 13) since I've been interested in/studying type, I've noticed that every ESFP I come into contact with is nice, fun, interesting, great, etc., but for some reason they leave me with the feeling that I'm just "not cool enough." This happens every time. This might be why I'm not close with any ESFP. On first meeting, the ESFP always seems like a person I would like, someone l would naturally get to know and do things with. But I can't ever get there, because I always find myself terribly self-conscious around them (this is the only type that does this to me [except SOMETIMES being around an ESTP will get me feeling this way, but not as much].

Generally, I am fairly self-confident, feel good about myself and my interests and am not considered "dorky" by anyone I know (not that that would be a problem, but I just am not). But as soon as an ESFP is near I find myself feeling like the most awkward person who ever lived. I find myself wanting them to think I'm cool and also I find myself hyper-sensitive to their actions, trying to make sure I'm being appropriate from their point of view. As you can imagine, this feeling is very uncomfortable. Not only that, it colors my reactions. Instead of laughing things off and engaging in witty back-and-forth with ESFPs, as I would with other people, I find myself feeling unable to talk that easily.

It distresses me, because I want to be at ease with everyone, and I want everyone to like me (HAHA I know this sounds immature -- I don't mean I need them all to like me, but I like to keep a good rapport with everybody). It's annoying to have one type be able to walk into a room I'm in and suddenly exert unspoken influence over the way I feel.

Is this type-related, or all in my head? And further, does this happen to other types? Are there certain types that can make you feel insecure for no apparent reason?

I'd love a response on this from anybody, but especially people who really know functional analysis.

 

[King sns]

Other esfp's have done this to me, too. The strong ones. I don't know what it is either. A few people have told me. "Sometimes it makes me nervous that you have this ability to look right through me, makes me feel vulnerable." I think that other esfp's have this affect to. Reading you, sizing you up. In the end we don't judge, but are very good at knowing character. I think that can be a little awkward for people sometimes. Just be confident. Know that we love you for who you are. We want you to have fun with us, and feel welcome in our presence. Just smile a lot and laugh with us and go along with us and we will be your best friend forever! (Yea, corny.)

 

[BlackCat]

ENFPs do this to me actually.

 

[Udog]

With everyone else you simply try being yourself. With ESFPs and ESTPs, you suddenly try to be cool.

You quit being cool the second you try being cool.

You're not going to be able to be on the good side of every ESFP and ESTP you meet. Some of them are pretty shallow or very quick to focus their interest on a shinier object. However, if you be yourself it shouldn't take long to find some that you mesh well with.

 

[anii]

"Coolness" is a form of social control. Resist it.

Better yet, ignore it.

Trying to "be cool" is a waste of time and energy.

Be You instead. It's easier and will attract better quality friends.

 

[King sns]

"Coolness" is a form of social control. Resist it.

Don't buy into this Maliafee.
Now take this pill.
Everyone's doing it.

Do it or I won't be your friend.

 

[maliafee]

The thing about NFs telling me not to worry about being cool is silly to me. SPs are cool already. We really don't have to try, EXCEPT AROUND ESPs...HAHA. ;-)

(Jokes, non SPs, jokes...)

Shortnsweet, apparently, the pill is took.

 

[maliafee]

P.S. a) please be my friend, and 2) I like your hat!

 

[Udog]

Functional Analysis:

Se is the ESFP and ESTP primary function. They live to experience their environment.

You, an ISFP, use Se as a method to help live out your Introverted Feeling. Se is your secondary function with Fi being primary.

I think the problem is you are comparing your secondary Se to their primary Se, and it's making you feel inadequate. Quit trying to beat ESxPs at their own Se game, because it won't happen often. Instead, accept that Fi/Se brings it's own things to the table that many ESxPs will appreciate.

edit: Sorry if this doesn't make sense - those pills shortnsweet are handing out are totally tubular.

 

[me_plus_one]

I never think of myself being cool... This because you said ESTPs make you feel not cool enough, but to me it doesn't really matter. Honestly, though I sometimes feel inappropriate in some situations, I have never had the feeling of not being cool enough... maybe when I was like in the seventh grade. But back then I really thought being cool is important.

It's quite funny, isn't it?

 

[maliafee]

Yeah. You don't have to think about it, because SPs are already cool. But also, you ARE the ESTP that makes others feel UNcool... haha. ;-)

I don't really think about it until in the presence of an ESP... and even then I don't think much about it -- more just react.

 

[Laurie]

P.S. a) please be my friend, and 2) I like your hat!

Bestest ESFP description ever.

Yeah I can get caught up in they "hey look over here, I like people too!" thing. Which I think is the same as the "im cool too" thing at its base.

I saw a few enfp's say that they feel in competition with other e's or enfp's. It's hard because we want the same things. I'm trying to learn to outgrow it

 

[Unique]

ESTPs don't really care I think, they can be thrown into any situation and know how to interact

I actually enjoy the variety

I've been considered a nerd, I've also been considered cool and sometimes both at the same time!

Most ESFPs are more on the cool side though

 

[Skyline]

Malia, I think you are a bit insecure to be honest. Ehm, like the way you say "SPs are already cool, yet I feel insecure around E SP's, aah!" .. ;

Don't question your own "coolness". You're fine the way you are.
If you feel intimidated by those E's, show them some of your own magic.
Everyone's got magic.

Someone also posted here "Quit worrying about being cool and just be yourself." etc...
I think that was a very valuable post
(I'm sorry for my lazyness of not quoting it properly )
And I'm going to remember it for myself,
in case I feel intimidated by E's...
I guess the thing is not to think they are better than you. because they are Not. not even a group is. just mingle mingle and be yourself...and don't be afraid to shine through... you'll get along just fine and you'll soon see who may be potential friends and who not...but don't let your insecurity get to you..
and if you ever get insecure again ; don't worry, you are cool when you are yourself because being yourself is cool.
alright??

I think I'm gettin' intimidated by the word 'cool'!

Btw, I MUST agree with these wise words, written by a person with type FREE which makes total sense after reading his words:

"Coolness" is a form of social control. Resist it.
Better yet, ignore it.
Trying to "be cool" is a waste of time and energy.
Be You instead. It's easier and will attract better quality friends.

.............I guess it's important to know this (beware for the mess):

YOU desire SOCIAL CONTROL

SOCIAL CONTROL = cool (According to our weirdass nature)
therefore
YOU must be cool [YOU = cool]

BUT

Being yourself (& not insecure about being yourself because you are thinking about trying to fit in and be cool or something because you might otherwise feel intimidated by the forcing powerr) = social control (yes, believe it or not!! because it shines through...)
therefore
being yourself = cool!!!!!!!!!

Anyways, I can relate to feeling as if you are not accepted, sometimes it's a bit of deceit, so just put it aside and go for it, go for being yourself out there and you'll succeed in being cool. and if they still dislike you for a petit reason tell them to go screw with their egos.

 

[maliafee]

Oh dear. I think you write valuable things Skyline, but you should know...

When I said SPs were "already cool," I was making a jab at the SP stereotype, not being serious. I don't actually think all SPs are cool naturally and all non-SPs are not. From my perspective, that would be ignorant and naive.

I don't actually care about "being cool" but indeed was talking about the social control mechanism of coolness which you yourself speak of; how without even TRYING to be cool or not, I feel less "cool" (i.e. socially accepted) around ES P types. And how frustrating that is, since I don't like to think about or try being cool to begin with. I don't think they are cooler than me, but merely being in their presence renders me feeling weaker psychologically. I was interested in why this could possibly be.

"Just be yourself" is of course what we all should do, but is a somewhat trite piece of advice that we all have heard a million times. My complaint was that I find that typically I cannot be myself around ESFPs, at least, not as I generally am "myself" around every one else. To say I should show them my own magic is also... correct but nothing new. I was initially actually saying that I lack my normal "magic" around them for no apparent reason, so I can't possibly show my magic to them if I can't show my magic to them.

Being called insecure is fine from my point of view. You know? Of course I sound "insecure." There is not one of us who is perfectly secure. But it also misses the point. Assuming we all get insecure sometimes, I was saying that being around that type (ESFP) is when I feel at my most insecure.

I agree with you, but I do feel you've misunderstood the aim of my original post.

(Skyline's quote below

Malia, I think you are a bit insecure to be honest. Ehm, like the way you say "SPs are already cool, yet I feel insecure around E SP's, aah!" .. ;

Don't question your own "coolness". You're fine the way you are.
If you feel intimidated by those E's, show them some of your own magic.
Everyone's got magic.

Someone also posted here "Quit worrying about being cool and just be yourself." etc...
I think that was a very valuable post
(I'm sorry for my lazyness of not quoting it properly )
And I'm going to remember it for myself,
in case I feel intimidated by E's...
I guess the thing is not to think they are better than you. because they are Not. not even a group is. just mingle mingle and be yourself...and don't be afraid to shine through... you'll get along just fine and you'll soon see who may be potential friends and who not...but don't let your insecurity get to you..
and if you ever get insecure again ; don't worry, you are cool when you are yourself because being yourself is cool.
alright??

I think I'm gettin' intimidated by the word 'cool'!

Btw, I MUST agree with these wise words, written by a person with type FREE which makes total sense after reading his words:

"Coolness" is a form of social control. Resist it.
Better yet, ignore it.
Trying to "be cool" is a waste of time and energy.
Be You instead. It's easier and will attract better quality friends.

.............I guess it's important to know this (beware for the mess):

YOU desire SOCIAL CONTROL

SOCIAL CONTROL = cool (According to our weirdass nature)
therefore
YOU must be cool [YOU = cool]

BUT

Being yourself (& not insecure about being yourself because you are thinking about trying to fit in and be cool or something because you might otherwise feel intimidated by the forcing powerr) = social control (yes, believe it or not!! because it shines through...)
therefore
being yourself = cool!!!!!!!!!

Anyways, I can relate to feeling as if you are not accepted, sometimes it's a bit of deceit, so just put it aside and go for it, go for being yourself out there and you'll succeed in being cool. and if they still dislike you for a petit reason tell them to go screw with their egos.

 

[booyalab]

Other esfp's have done this to me, too. The strong ones. I don't know what it is either. A few people have told me. "Sometimes it makes me nervous that you have this ability to look right through me, makes me feel vulnerable." I think that other esfp's have this affect to. Reading you, sizing you up. In the end we don't judge, but are very good at knowing character.

Maybe you're an exception, but I've never known ESFPs to be that good at knowing character and seeing through people, and I've known a fair amount.

I think what it is, is that ESFPs are just more comfortable with people and interacting with them. It's what they like to do and they have lots of experience with it. But that skill doesn't necessitate understanding each person they interact with. It's tactical.

 

[Skyline]

Malia, I agree with what you said , ..knowing my post is a bit useless I did kind of miss your original point... So, to continue (and I hope I'm on the right track now, haha) :

I guess I relate to how it can make you feel like that around them. They are all using a function that we are less "fond of" so...perhaps you feel that strength dominating... but.. I kinda try and learn to get that nasty feeling it gives off of me... and even though I know deep down that I'm not as "Se" or something as they are, at that particular moment when I am around such people I can still make use of that function too and have the same amount of fun. I think it's about realizing at that particular moment that it's all equal and even though I have another dominating function I can still use their dominating function when being around them. By saying this I do consider someone's post here saying we might feel their stronger Se resting upon us... Maybe hanging around such people can actually increase our use and tact of Se...might be useful?

Btw, I agree the "just be yourself" slogan can sound mushy and already told too many times, but it still works for me. It's the first step to overcome something that feels awkward (it's good against second-guessing myself). The second step needs more thinking through,which is perhaps what you were trying to do here; figuring out a particular personal problem you experienced..

 

[maliafee]

Skyline, I love the clarification.

I hope I didn't sound snippy in my last post to you... I was just responding to the detail you wrote.

Anyway, I agree with you. I would love to be able to develop past the awkward-feelings. It is kind of interesting; when I think of how I've felt bad around ESFPs in the past, I focus on those experiences, but I forget that I used to have a good ESFP friend at one time (I just remembered this morning!)... We met in France where we were placed in the same dorm together, studying at the Sorbonne in 2001. She was fabulous, and I never felt bad/weird around her. The difference is that she praised me for my idiosyncrasies as I recall, but I remember other ESFPs I've been in contact with either ignoring them or thinking I was weird for them in other instances, which I found disconcerting. I do sound a bit insecure, eh?

You know what though, ESTPs typically seem to respect me and show it.

This is all very confusing. I am not sure why either reaction happens! Why would an ESTP have a different affect on me (as they are both Se's, right?)?

But I agree with you, I do need to learn to just be myself around ESFPs!

 

[iqibi]

Is it that the ESFP's give you some sort of signals that they actually think you're not as cool? Or is it just their presence itself?

I haven't met too many ESFP's, but if it's just the presence... I'd guess it's because ESFP's tend to be the life of the party. I mean... I think if you compare any other type to ESFP's, they'll almost always come out on top in the "cool" factor in terms of social stuff. Tho personally, I've always liked ISFP's more than ESFP's, primary Se is easy to get along with but it's too out of control for me.


I know what you mean though, sometimes I feel intimidated by some INTJ's. They have very similar traits as I do (like you and ESFP's), but they have a very confident demeanor that can be intimidating at times. It's like being judged by a different "self" so to speak. It's different from having a person of a very different type judge you.


How to fix this tho... Just Be Yourself!! Ok, no, seriously tho... hmm... so... one thing I've noticed with primary Se/Ne types is that they just really like feedback... I get along with primary Se/Ne types real well, and I think it's mostly cause I give a lot of reactions/feedback. They can say the most unfunny/uninteresting joke/comment, and I'll give a nice reaction anyway. It's like crack to the ones I know... I don't do this to exploit them, I'm like that with all people, but those types really seem to dig it.


Maybe if you try this and other things ESFP's like, they'll like you more, and you'll feel less insecure around them. It sounds lame, I know: "find ways to get this person to like you so you don't feel insecure around them", but in all seriousness, it's more practical and it works. Once you know how to get on their good side, you'll feel more comfortable around them, and then it'll be easier to be yourself. The ultimate end is "Being Yourself," the means can be whatever the hell you want it to be, as long as it gets you there.


/endwalloftext

 

[lastrailway]

[except SOMETIMES being around an ESTP will get me feeling this way, but not as much].

When I started reading this paragraph, the first think I thought was "ESTPs do this too". I think Se dominants are even more extraverted than the other Es. Se is the most extroverted function possibly.

Is this type-related, or all in my head? And further, does this happen to other types? Are there certain types that can make you feel insecure for no apparent reason?

Since I see you're an ISFP, I'd say it's mostly the effect of an overly Extrovert to an I. You have the "cool" function yourself, the main difference you have with ESFPs (or maybe ESxPs) is that you're introverted and Se is secondary to you.

I'd love a response on this from anybody, but especially people who really know functional analysis.

Not very strong at typology, sorry. But I consider myself a kind of specialist on ESFPs. I'm not getting very self-consious myself, but ESFPs always usually do leave the impression they're so much more interesting and cool than other people.