because I owe you all a gracious response...
I logged in in order to respond to a couple of PMs I received, and saw that there were 5 pages of responses to my thread, many very thoughtful. Thank you all for the kind words -- I think I owe the people who made them a gracious response…
This actually isn’t just the aftermath of an angry outburst. I should probably explain that I’ve been discussing type on online discussion forums for about 5 years now, mostly on another list, and that this feeling of “enough is enough” is a cumulative effect of feeling tired of seeing the same old issues cropping up over and over. Five years is a long time.
It’s also not about me defending Ss. I've spent the last 5 years trying to bring balance and fairness to discussions about all 16 types. I can recall objecting to the INTJ type being portrayed by one vicious poster on another list as being pretty much evil incarnate, only to be told that my reasonable defense of that type was “misguided” and that I was “wasting my time.” It seemed to me at the time that more people wanted to just cheer on the poster of the venom rather than think about ways to reframe their anger into something they could work with and turn into something good. These sorts of conversations can really wear on a person's nerves.
When I first discovered type, I used it as a weapon myself, primarily against my NF mother. I felt validated when I read some of the things that Keirsey and Berens wrote about the SP temperament, but along with feelings of understanding that there isn't anything "wrong with me”, I also felt this surge of resentment against my NF mother for not properly understanding me, and for not being able to read my mind and heart, etc.., and for squelching what I thought were natural, wholesome feelings and desires. One Saturday, I spent half a day typing a big long diatribe (for my eyes only, not to publish anywhere) listing all the things my mom had done wrong as a parent. After a while, I broke down and cried. I know firsthand that it can be cathartic to write out your complaints about people who never really understood you. But do I honestly think I’d do better as a parent? Heck, no. In fact, even if I had kids and they all turned out to be a bunch of ISFPs who shared all my interests and passions, I would still undoubtedly make lots of mistakes. The problem with doing your cathartic exercises on a public forum is that it really does feel painful and/or confusing for the people reading it who might otherwise identify in some way with the type of people you say you can’t stand, or who have identified with that type or that behavior and now want to UNidentify with it because it’s being presented as being so awful. (by the way, in recent years my mother and I have a much closer relationship than we've ever had, and I actually value the very things I used to be annoyed by before.
)
Yes, it’s nice to get confirmation from others that you’re good and fine and perfect just as you are, especially if you’ve been the recipient of emotional abuse regarding your type preferences, and that if others didn’t understand you, it’s not your fault. But If you want to rant about all XXXXs because your older sister might be one and you and she always hated each other, be aware that everyone reading it is going to apply your definitions and descriptions to their understanding of what it means to be an XXXX, which means if most of what’s said is negative, who is going to want to identify with that type, or notice type XXXX preferences in people who aren’t as bad as you claim they all are? I could be wrong, but I think this is the main reason people mistype themselves and others – they don’t identify with some aspect of a description out there, and the more numerous the negative comments, the less anyone wants to identify with it, and the less anyone wants to discover the value in people who express traits that are deemed difficult or undesirable.
It seems to me that all people are whole, not just some types of people. All “types” of people possess every human trait, even those they haven’t spent much time consciously accessing. All human beings possess an imagination and access it sometimes. All human beings can see the big picture sometimes. All human beings care about details sometimes. All human beings are careless about some things. All human beings are bossy sometimes. And so on. Sure, you can choose to disown certain traits that don’t seem worthwhile to you, but that’s only going to make you less tolerant and more judgmental of anyone who enjoys accessing them in a healthy way (and if there’s been any emotional abuse as a result, the cycle of it continues). I’m a big believer in the concept of the shadow side, meaning that the very things we despise most about others are also a part of who we are, either conscious or unconscious, and that our work lies in accepting that we have these very traits we despise and that we need to choose healthy ways of expressing them, so that we no longer feel that the traits are bad in and of themselves, or that others are always the problem. As far as that relates to type, I think that all people express all 8 cognitive processes with various degrees of competence, and that the behavior we see in others that results from developed use of the cognitive processes in our shadow are most likely traits we need to find some way of expressing in ourselves rather than condemning in others.
One of the reasons my husband hates “typing” people or categorizing people in any way is because, as a special ed. teacher, he’s seen the downside of what happens to people’s self esteem as a result of negative labeling. When people are identified with disorders or categories rather than respected as being whole human beings, or when they are called insulting names such as “stupid” or “retard”, it affects the way they treat both themselves and others. It also affects what they feel they are able to accomplish –snap at a person for being “stupid” or “bossy” or “unable to see the big picture” enough times and they may start to think there’s more entertainment value in proving you right rather than doing the difficult and work of trying to change your attitude about them (not to mention that some people take a perverse pleasure in needing to be right in their negative assessment of others, and won’t look at any evidence that points otherwise than what they want to believe). The same applies to how we use type, and I guess I’ve become really sensitive to that over the years, and this is why I can’t just turn a blind eye to unfairness whenever I see it. And I can’t tune it out either.
Sure, I could spend more years of my life trying my best to bring some balance and common sense to online discussions about type. But this isn’t my job, nor am I even employed in a field related to psychological type. I already have a full time professional job that I enjoy and believe is worthwhile, and that I don’t really think I’m doing anyone a favor in splitting my concentration between what goes on at work and my feelings about what I read when I casually tune into typologycentral (I generally read it when I’m not terribly busy at the reference desk). When I feel annoyed, upset or angry by what’s written here, I think my emotional state affects my interactions with patrons, and it’s really not fair to them and also not fair to my employers and the institution I work for in general. Ultimately, I’m not capable of ignoring the type bias and the negative rants any more than I could ignore the sound of someone using a chainsaw fifty feet away from me. It’s something I feel compelled to respond to, whether or not it would actually do me or the other person any good. So that’s why I finally decided a couple of days ago that checking out the message board is really eating away at my time. I still plan to keep my account here and I really do welcome talking about type via PM with people, so drop me a line anytime you want to talk. The only thing I’m doing is saying “no” to spending my time in discussions otherwise.
Thanks for listening.
Fail.
