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  1. #1
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    Default Need Help with ESTP Male

    Hi, all - I have trolled around for a while, but this is my first post. Great forum! I am looking for insight/advice regarding my current relationship situation. I apologize in advance for the very long post.

    About me: I am a female INFJ, 3w4, EII (INFj), early-40s. I am fun-loving, but also a bit of a hermit. Very analytical, but deeply (secretly) emotional. I over-analyze and don’t trust easily. In other words, your standard INFJ, haha.

    About him: He is a male ESTP/ISTP (he claims E and I are straight down the middle, but I am clear that he is much more ESTP!), 7w8 or 8w7 (he didn’t take the test - this is my assessment), hasn’t taken the socionincs test, early-40s. He is the ultimate fire-cracker, thrill-seeker. He is driven professionally, but marches to his own drummer. Rules are guidelines.

    We were closely acquainted through very close mutual friends for over 10 years, but due to us both being in long-term relationships, it never went beyond that. That said, we did innocently flirt with each other, and I always felt a strong mutual attraction bubbling right below the surface. He was very unhappily married for 18 years to a woman he married and stayed with only because she got pregnant (he says he wanted to do the “right thing.”) He didn’t marry her until after the child was born. This isn’t something he only told me - he made it clear to his close guy friends (who are also my close friends) that he couldn’t stand his wife for the last half of their marriage, and was counting the days until he could break free. I have second-hand knowledge that he strayed *at least* a couple of times. Probably much more. Now that his child is grown, he ended the relationship late last year. I have been out of my previous relationship for two years and have remained single, by choice.

    He reached out to me via text pretty immediately after he and his wife separated, and began pursuing me pretty relentlessly. He told me he had always wanted to be with me and that he believes we could be soulmates. What?! After only exchanging texts and phone calls for about two months (never saw each other because I kept brushing him off), he told me had fallen in love with me. I didn’t reciprocate that statement, but was developing strong feelings. After much discussion, we began seeing each other in early March. It became physical the first time we hung out, which is very out of character for me. And wow, was it ever mind-blowing! We see each other regularly, and it is always, always wonderful - not just the sex, but the strong mental connection we have developed. We talk...a lot. About everything. It Is fantastic. In short, I have fallen head-over-heels for this guy...and it kinda terrifies me.

    While he professed his “love” before we ever hung out, he didn’t say anything else about it after we began our in-person, physical relationship. Being the guarded person that I am, I certainly wasn’t going to bring it up, and had never professed any mutual love. I then became convinced he only said those things to me to get me in bed, and I was devastated. I have extensive knowledge of personality types and know the ESTP is notorious for being insincere, manipulative, and untrustworthy (sorry...not trying to offend anyone). Given his history of thrill-seeking, hedonistic behavior, I thought I had been somewhat used. I began to prepare myself for the inevitable demise of our relationship. I planned my exit strategy, but didn’t let on. Business as usual.

    But then I got a major curveball on Friday night. He told me, face-to-face, that he is madly in love with me and that I am all he has ever wanted. He said I make him want to be a better man, and that he thinks I am the most beautiful, special woman he has ever known. That he can’t believe I am actually interested in him, and on and on. He actually had tears in his eyes as he said all of this. I was overwhelmed, and told him I felt the same (somewhat against my better judgement). I can’t believe I am already in love, but I am. I am elated at the prospect, but I can’t help but be skeptical here. Isn’t it very “un-ESTP-ish” behavior to so quickly profess your love for someone, and especially in such a passionate way? Or is he just telling me what he thinks I want to hear, in order to keep getting what he wants (lots of amazing sex, stimulating conversation, and fun company)? Not to mention his unfaithful past, ugh. I hate to over analyze, but that is what INFJs do, lol. Any and all thoughts are much appreciated!

  2. #2
    A Bittersweet Symphony... Eryn Silverfrond's Avatar
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    Girl sounds like y'all are in love youre kinda opposite function stacks so theres bound to be a few communication hiccups but dont over thinking. Enjoy each other. Have fun and be excellent to each other
    There aren't any good guys, and there aren't any bad guys.
    There's just us.
    People.
    Doing our best to get by.


  3. #3

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    You have virtually no knowledge of personality types beyond stereotypes, as it's clearly seen from your post here. Not only that but you're letting a personality theory dictate your love life, two strikes already.

    My advice? Try seeing what's actually going on instead of relating every bit of your relationship to a personality theory.

    The only slightly worrying part is the "unfaithful past" you've mentioned, if you're willing to, going into a bit more detail regarding that might help giving a more accurate assessment of the situation. If not (which is totally fine, and understandable) I'd recommend thinking about his past relationships in detail and without bias to figure out the root cause of the problem, unfaithfulness in relationships can be a result of many different factors and situations, and his intense confession to you could have been happiness at the thought that he'd finally met the right person for him, perhaps mixed with a little regret for his past actions. This is pretty wild speculation though, as there's not nearly enough information to go on.
    Johari | Nohari

    Moving forward, put aside all unnecessary preconceptions, eliminate all biases, analyze all the facts without letting external influences cloud your better judgement and put together a coherent picture of the truth like a jigsaw puzzle, you have the pieces you need, the only thing left to do is to learn how to put them together properly.

  4. #4
    abcdenfp Abcdenfp's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amberiat View Post
    You have virtually no knowledge of personality types beyond stereotypes, as it's clearly seen from your post here. Not only that but you're letting a personality theory dictate your love life, two strikes already. My advice? Try seeing what's actually going on instead of relating every bit of your relationship to a personality theory. The only slightly worrying part is the "unfaithful past" you've mentioned, if you're willing to, going into a bit more detail regarding that might help giving a more accurate assessment of the situation. If not (which is totally fine, and understandable) I'd recommend thinking about his past relationships in detail and without bias to figure out the root cause of the problem, unfaithfulness in relationships can be a result of many different factors and situations, and his intense confession to you could have been happiness at the thought that he'd finally met the right person for him, perhaps mixed with a little regret for his past actions. This is pretty wild speculation though, as there's not nearly enough information to go on.
    Agreed

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